Elizabeth Emerald

Elizabeth Emerald: What Are "My" Pronouns?

The answer is obvious to "me."

Here's how "I" see it:

This PC replacement for "nice to meet you" has no relevance in the context of the exchange of introductions between two people. Notwithstanding the particulars of the parties' genders or the ambiguities thereof, each will naturally proceed to address the other as "you."

Reserve the pronoun query for large group interactions, wherein its awkwardness is trumped by the potential for distress due to genders being misconstrued.

Elizabeth Emerald: SAD NEWS:
Raffaelina Lowcock, aka Ralf, died on January 22, 2022.

Ralf was a loyal fan, a prolific reviewer, and a fine writer. Amongst her portfolio is a stunning novel "Learning to Swim." Each chapter title is a clever play on the theme. Check it out.

Thanks to Judy Lawless for googling OBITs

Ralf made it to 90. RIP

Elizabeth Emerald:
Per my profile post of last month, I was canned as editor by "Dicktor," the demented despot owner of an online publication. I'd stepped in when his one-and-only remaining editor, Raffaella, resigned --on account of family concerns-- after years of loyal, unpaid, service.

Dicktor told Raffaella he was "disappointed" that she was leaving; never once did he follow up to express support as to her stressful circumstances.

Fast forward one month. Dicktor -- desperate to get her back now that he'd got rid of me -- emailed Raffaella, filled her in as to my departure, and implored her to contact him immediately.

In light of how dismissively he'd treated her, Raffaella declined to respond.

Virtual vengeance is mine!

Epilogue: Dicktor's one-man show is circling the drain.

Elizabeth Emerald: I just underwent an ugly implosion of a short-lived intense connection wherein I failed to live up to the exalted intellectual and ethical standards of an erstwhile fervent fan on another site. I am shaking as I write this, sickened that this person blasted me for ignorance and laxity as to exploring nuance amidst what he construes as incontrovertible truth.

Have you had a similar experience either here or in another context?

Elizabeth Emerald: February blues, Marching ahead ...

I want to post-date my birthday, the 17th, by a month.
As it is, I get gypped because my birthday gets conflated with Valentine?s Day.

Though at present, alas, the issue is moot.

Add to my wish-list: fast-forward my birth-year from 19xx to 19xx+40.

Elizabeth Emerald: File this under:
THE PERILS OF SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

I just read an article by an editor off-site, who began by saying she bailed out of a story after being put off because the word "like" appeared twice in one sentence. She segued to a general admonition as to laziness and carelessness.

It was an impressively impassioned and on point exposition, notwithstanding which it was rife with typos (tactfully speaking) and punctuation omissions I didn't say run-on sentences infer what you will

I take grate care too elinimate tpyos, and aslo ass well, not to mention, it goes without saying I strive to aim to avoid and eschew needlessly extraneous superfluous redundancy Cheers LIZ

Elizabeth Emerald: Backstory below as to my having been suspended from my role as editor of "Genius in a Bottle."

I've been mulling on variations of my "you can't fire me, I quit" letter. Here's the sneak preview of my favorite:

I am awed by your lenient sentence for this unforgivable breach of protocol. I deserve nothing less than permanent banishment.

Be assured: This ignoble idiot will nevermore disgrace the Genius in your Bottle.

Best of luck working with him going forward.

Cheers.
LIZ

Elizabeth Emerald: The despot publisher of the virtual venue "Genius in a Bottle," alias Dicktor, canned me as editor (for starters: "suspended for a fortnight") for transferring "his" log entry of a published piece from the "pending" section to the "published" section.

Dicktor blames me for pushing the "Publish" button (a technicality in this case, given that he'd marked it as good to go).

I told Dicktor the piece had been published hours earlier; thus, I assumed he had done it and neglected to log it.

As to how it got published -- there WERE just the two of us -- the mystery remains.

Moot, alas, now that Dickie is left to fiddle with himself.

Elizabeth Emerald: I just completed the second half of a virtual marathon. I didn't have to get off my backside--but it was an effort indeed!

I am appalled to confess that I was 407 review responses in arrears. Yesterday, I knocked them down to 176, and I responded to the rest this evening. Whew! Apologies to all for my tardiness.

Elizabeth Emerald: As to the catch-22 below, another avenue to for ID is obtaining a passport--alas, the same dilemma applies.

My game plan is to get a notarized letter from my lawyer as to vouching for my identity and go to a nearby passport office--IF they aren't closed on account of coronaphobia--I shall call tomorrow.

I do have my birth certificate (no certification stamp as required) and I have SSN cards in both names and an expired license with my photo (different hair color).

I'm hoping I can charm the clerk to accept these documents as proof. If I can't muster sufficient charm in the face of bureaucratic constraints (scratch the "IF") I will lie and say I was told when I called that given my special circumstances, they would accept my documentation--

--though there would be a processing surcharge of $50, payable in cash--which I would wave in the face of the clerk, and hope s/he would take the bribe.

Elizabeth Emerald: File this under: Circularity Sucks

As to renewal of my driver's license, I am faced with two dilemmas:

1) I cannot renew my license without my birth certificate, and I cannot get my birth certificate without a license.

2) My current name is not my birth name. I cannot produce the requisite legal documents. My name change was not processed through the courts (it is not required to be), nor was it consequent to marriage or divorce.

The irony is that I don't drive; I need the license as an ID.

Elizabeth Emerald: DOES ANYONE HAVE NEWS OF RAFFAELINA LOWCOCK (RALF)? Two months ago, she posted about a dire diagnosis of leukemia. We'd been corresponding regularly--in her last communication, at least a month ago, she said she'd decided not to pursue treatment, except for blood transfusions. She has not responded to my recent messages.

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! 2021 Short Works Writer of the Year.

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Winner of the Reviewing Contest!

Elizabeth Emerald: 10/1/21 at 9:25 pm:
I was told that someone coined the word SMIZE for smile through a mask. I thought why not SMASK or SMISK?

I am astounded to find that those "obvious" coinages have no google hits.

This is the first time that "my" clever coinages had not been independently invented, multiple times, many years earlier, as evidenced by zillions of google hits.

If you're reading this, kindly bear witness to my creations.

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Second place finish in the reviewing contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Third place finish in the Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Third Place Finish in the Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Third place finish in the reviewing contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Winner of the Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! March 2021 Recognized Writer!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Honorable Mention Finish in the Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Third place finish in the Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Third place finish in the Reviewing Contest!

Elizabeth Emerald:

CHOKE of the day: (I made this up, as you probably surmised)

Fang Fang did Swalwell

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Third Place Finish in the Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Second Place Finish In The Reviewing Contest!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations on your second place finish in the Reviewing Contest!

Elizabeth Emerald: I write to commend KAHPOT for graciously accepting my 4-star rating, amending the piece per my suggestions, and nominating me to boot!

FanStory wrote to Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations! Honorable Mention Finish in the Reviewing Contest!

Elizabeth Emerald: Congratulations to Dolly's Poems for her upgrade to #1 reviewer. Upon her achieving such lofty status, the Grim Reaper icon was bequeathed her. I propose that this fearsome figure--who wields a scythe suitable for star-smashing--be swapped out for a friendly one. Perhaps a fairy princess who sprinkles magic stardust with a cheerful smile--apropos of Dolly, who always strews such wonderful words of encouragement along with a generous distribution of sparklers.

Elizabeth Emerald: Given that reviewer nominations generally vanish down the rabbit hole, I wish to commend Sarkems for an astute critique. There was a logical flaw in my story, which I'd been hesitant to post because something had seemed "off," yet I couldn't pin it down. SARKEMS did. I amended the piece forthwith.

Elizabeth Emerald: I wish to publicly laud Dina Bruun for a six-star review. Meaning six-stars to her for her four-stars to me. Dina wrote a painstaking critique of my script; she warmly expressed the many things she liked, and made several detailed suggestions for improvement. Her advice was spot on; I wasted no time implementing her apt recommendations, being eager to offer my best to the rest. As regards her extensive effort in my behalf Dina went above and beyond; as regards her giving a balanced review Dina did exactly as we are supposed to do. Kudos to her. As Freudians (probably don't really) say--sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; I say--sometimes "good" means good.

...On the flip side...sometimes "good" means: THIS SUCKS! I recently got a four-star review for a parody piece that taken on face value was not worthy of even a one. The reader gave up in disgust three lines into my monstrosity in which (per the footnote) I spew utter nonsense in a jumble of atrocious grammar and usage.

Elizabeth Emerald: I am frustrated at being MUTEd after having given a three-star review, shortly after which I set out in search of other pieces by the author that would merit high-fives and found myself locked out. A shame, surely I would have found worthy works amidst her portfolio--she'd have more than made up her stars.

Elizabeth Emerald: To be sung to Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Where have all the sixes gone?
Long time since I got one
Where have all the sixes gone?
Lord hear my plea

Where have all the sixes gone?
Gone to others, every one
When will they ever learn!
Save some for me!

Where have all the sixes gone?
Good news: they changed the rule!
They're sure to come my way
Since there's no cap

Where have all the sixes gone?
Alas, I still have none
When will I ever learn
My work's mere pap

Elizabeth Emerald: Sung to My Sharona, The Knack 1979

When ya gonna get to me, my Corona?
Is it just a matter of time Corona?

You're never gonna stop, such a dirty brand
Gotta stay away from the touch of an un-washed hand

M-M-M-My Corona!

Oooh, I'm afraid: Next it's me
Wish it were a game in my mind Corona
Can it be: Destiny?
You're falling down upon us from the sky, Corona

M-M-M-My Corona!

Oooh, it's going up, going up
How my fever burns
We're all throwing up, throwing up
Taking toilet turns

M-M-M-My Corona!

Elizabeth Emerald: Rename proposal: Fan-Story Land to Five-Starry Land.

Alas, after a six-week struggle, I too have succumbed to High-Five Fever.

Check out the ranked writers list. Everyone gets an "A" plus-or-minus. When I was in grammar school, "A" stood for "average." Seems that's the case here as well.

Elizabeth Emerald: Not that it's up for your vote
Still, a verse worthy of note
Been brewing two days
On the Corona craze
Alas, I must pay to promote

Elizabeth Emerald: Tell me, somebody: Have I gone ghost?
No one has looked at my post
My mood: downward spiral
It should surely go viral
This terse verse of which I can boast

Elizabeth Emerald: This bitch of a critter Corona
Has turned each of us into a loner
It's OK to a point
Watch the tube, toke a joint
But who's there to do with my boner?

Elizabeth Emerald: Rolling randily 'round on the rug
Just last week, now not even a hug
God forbid, stick it in her
Cries the erstwhile sinner:
Corona's a bitch of a bug

Elizabeth Emerald: One of my very first reviews was 4-stars. I was pleased by the feedback; the reviewer said what he liked about the piece and I took GOOD at face value. Shortly thereafter I got another 4-star review where the reviewer made clear his GOOD was intended as a demerit.

And so began my introduction to our ratings system, where GOOD is the new BAD. I expounded upon this in my profile; I later released my thoughts under the title: Next: Exceptionally Exceptional? (subtitle: Must we be haunted by spectral stars?)


I'm bringing this up again now because I just got ALL-CAPS BLASTED by a poet for "only" 4-stars, which in our crazy world is perceived as "taking away" one due her.

Funny, have you noticed that even "revenge reviews" (and I've had a couple) are 3-stars--as if to go lower would be superfluous! Cheers. LIZ

Elizabeth Emerald: In Fanstory Land, Five is the New Three, and Good is the new Bad.

I'm less than a week old in this strange world and have already submitted three pieces for which I have received a total of 15 reviews.

One of my reviews was Good. I was pleased: The reviewer specified a section he found "interesting and informative."

Yesterday---having had to spend 75 real dollars to promote my own work---I began to review others' submissions, not only to earn $ but also out of genuine interest.

Curious to see other reviews of a piece, I began to peruse them.
I was astounded to see that virtually all were Excellent or Exceptional. One author, in response to a Good review, requested that the reviewer replace the star that she "took away," which the author assumed was on account of the typos the reviewer helpfully pointed out. Apparently, it didn't occur to the author that the reviewer simply did not deem the work Excellent. (P.S. The reviewer gave the star "back.")

This perception of having one star taken rather than four stars given is reinforced by the graphics that depict shattered phantom stars---as if a vengeful reviewer had smashed them. Must we be haunted by spectral stars? I propose that we sweep away the ghostly shards and let the three or four stars shine.

I'm all for keeping it positive. Indeed, in all the pieces I reviewed, I managed to muster enthusiasm in my words, regardless of the Average rankings I saw fit to assign some.

The default position is, by definition, Average. For that reason, I would never presume that a piece is Below Average. If I consider it Good or Excellent I will say so---I am pleased to have done just that for several so far.

Cheers. (Regarding which Three is Good!)