• Behind These Doors

    Behind These Doors

    Free verse for Picture This Club
    from 9 reviews.
    Fantasy  Poetry

  • Cat Tales

    Cat Tales

    Don't be fooled by that innocent face.
    from 10 reviews.
    General  Non-Fiction

  • Skies Weep Misty Rain

    Skies Weep Misty Rain

    A Cascade poem for Potlatch Poetry
    from 25 reviews.
    General  Poetry


damommy:

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter nods in approval and lets him in.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped hundreds of families get cost-effective health care."? St. Peter replies, "You may enter, but you'?re only approved for a three-day stay."




damommy:

I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier today, and realized my figure has everything it had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now.



damommy:

For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida, and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That's when they discovered that the jars were in fact urns and that they were snorting the cremains of the victim's husband and two dogs.



    LateBloomer: I'm sure the thieves were in the gifted and talented class when they were in school. Thanks for the laugh. Bloomer -


damommy:

Don't laugh when you see my new profile photo. My granddaughter wanted me to post it.

It's my high school graduation picture. Yes, we had cameras way back then!

    jlsavell: Why would anyone laugh? You are beautiful then and now. -
    damommy: Thank you, ladies. I felt a little foolish posting it. -
    sandramitchell: Crikey!! I've got a really beautiful sister!!!! Not that you aren't still. :)) xxxxx -


damommy:

Do you know how long dinosaurs lived?

The same as short ones.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Their time was a long time ago, but it was short when considering the age of the universe.
    -


damommy:

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.



FanStory wrote to damommy: I'll Pass finished third in the contest "~Resolutions for 2022 ~"


damommy:

Where do mathematicians go on New Year's Eve?

Times Square

    Gee: Nice!

    I like it -
    karenina: Giggle.

    And what does Doctor Who put on his fired haddock?

    Tardis Sauce! :) -
    karenina: Duh. meant FRIED haddock.... -


damommy:

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.




damommy:

How do you make an egg roll?

.
.
.

You give it a little push.



damommy: St. Nicholas of Myra, Turkey, between the years 270 and 343, was the man who became the legend of Santa Claus. He gave gifts and necessary things to those less fortunate. When the Dutch colonized the New World, they brought their Sinterclaus with them. And that's how it all started.


damommy:

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

    LisaMay: That's clever. I like it. -
    Teri7: This is too cute! -


damommy:
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.



damommy:

I childproofed my house. Somehow, they still got in!




damommy:
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.



damommy:
When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don't think I can eat eight."



damommy:
You know, some people pick their nose, but I was just born with mine.

    Robert Zimmerman: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. That's a fact. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : My Dad used to say he had a Roman nose. It was roamin' all over his face. -
    Jesse James Doty: Robert didn't you notice that Jan of jannypan had written the same thing!
    -


damommy:
I shot a turkey for Thanksgiving. Scared the dickens out of the other shoppers.



damommy:

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

"Ned," John called down, "I have good news and bad. The good news is, there's baseball in heaven!"

"Great," said Ned. "What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Sunday."




damommy:

How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.




damommy:
Let's say you have to lift a hippo with one finger. How would you do it?

You wouldn't because you can't find a one-fingered hippo.



damommy: /

There once was a man from Nantucket
who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket,
Nantucket.



damommy:

Sorry I?m late. I didn't know who showed up to the four-way stop first, so we all just sat there.

    Jesse James Doty: Oh!! Now I get it! When you said sorry I'm late I thought you were talking to somebody on Fan Story!
    -
    damommy: A lot of folks may have thought that, too. -


damommy:

Stalking: When two people take long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

    Jesse James Doty: Oh, I get it! You spelled stalking instead of stocking instead of Stalking your prey!
    -


damommy: My profile photo changed back. Hmmmm.
    Jannypan (Jan) : Sometime weird's goin; on in the neighborhood.
    There's a contest up for vote from who
    knows when. Click on it and all kinds of old, odd stuff shows.

    Who ya gonna call? -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Well, make that something weird's goin' on in the neighborhood. -


damommy:

Of all the dogs, a hot dog is the nicest. It feeds the hand that bites it.



FanStory wrote to damommy: My Garden finished first in the contest "It's NOT an Acrostic Poem"


damommy:

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

    Pantygynt: I suggest you read Lee's (Humpwhistle) latest story. It might give the snail the answer he seeks -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! After the Storm is the new Poem of the Month!
    lyenochka: Hooray!!
    Congratulations, Yvonne!!

    -
    Gloria ....: Many congratulations to you, Yvonne. :)) -
    sandramitchell: WOOOHOOOO!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, dear SATD!! It was brilliant!! 💗💛💙🎈🎇🎆🎉🥰😁XXXXX -
    sandramitchell: WOOOHOOOO!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, dear SATD!! It was brilliant!! 💗💛💙🎈🎇🎆🎉🥰😁XXXXX -
    Mrs. KT: Congratulations, Yvonne!
    Simply beautiful!

    diane -
    judiverse: Congratulations on your well-deserved Poem of the Month win. judi -
    damommy: Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement. Thank you for voting for my poem. I'm so excited!!!!! 8-) -
    MissMerri: Happy CONGRATULATIONS Yvonne! A wonderful poem won the prize. -
    RGstar: Well done. A nice poem -
    Jesse James Doty: Congratulations, Yvonne! I read that poem and boy howdy did it shine! -


damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

    Pantygynt: The only time it stops raining in Sweden is when it is snowing and you need your sidelights on then to be seen and light up. -


damommy:

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. ?George Carlin



damommy:

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.


    judiverse: Just read that one. Funny! And so true. judi -


damommy:

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house."



damommy:

Every year, I send in my tax return, and the IRS sends me a sympathy card.

    Senyai: Oh, do they? That is so sweet of them 😊 -


damommy:

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster?"





damommy:

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, "Well, they're the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store."



    Senyai: Hahahahah! At a turtle?s pace ?LOL ❤️ -


damommy:

If you haven't bought kiwisteve's book, "Forty-Four Fabulous Funnies (and fourteen more for free)," you certainly need to. It's funny, entertaining, and just what one needs to lift their spirits.



damommy:

How do you mend a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

    Senyai: Love this one! I will have to remember this for the grandkids 😉

    -


damommy:

Happy Friday! Here's to all of us who made it through another week of faking adulthood.

    Demetria Blouin: "Adulting is like looking both ways before crossing the street
    Then getting hIt by an airplane." Unknown author -
    Sandra Barlow: Ha ha ha. At my age and I'm one year older than you, I'm ready for second childhood. -


damommy:

I wouldn't exactly say I'm lazy, but it's a good thing that breathing is a reflex.






damommy:

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    Aussie: Send them out to play in the traffic! -


damommy:

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried -- I think she's jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf




damommy:

How fast does a zebra need to run before it looks grey?




damommy:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    nor84: Interesting question. Assassin is a 'profession.' Therefore, if someone hires an assassin or hitman to murder their spouse, I'd say that spouse has been 'assassinated' regardless of position or title. -


damommy:

Autocorrect walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you?"

Autocorrect says, "I'll have a bear. A bare. Bier. Briar. Never mind."

    karenina: Autocorrect...doesn't bither me a bot!?😊 -


damommy: Thank you all who sent me birthday wishes. My heart is so full, and I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends here on FanStory. You've all made it a very special day for me.
    l.raven: Hi Yvonne, Have a very Happy Birthday...have a lot of fun...and a lot of Lay's potato chips...love you...Linda xxoo -
    Irish Rain: Happiest of birthdays to you!! Yay!!! -


damommy:

Nowadays, weekends are just me watching Netflix and asking my cat, "Hey, did you see that?"



    Jannypan (Jan) : HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YVONNE!
    HAVE A GREAT DAY! YOU DESERVE IT!
    Jan & Abby 😊

    -
    damommy: That is one of the best birthday cards ever! I love it. Thank you so much. I will play it again tomorrow. It's so precious, watching those little guys "sing." -
    Ben Colder : HAPPY Birthday!!!!!!!! Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She made it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

    My blessings to you, Arkie! -
    aryr: Happy Birthday, Yvonne. Lots of love from Alie and Tabitha. 🌼🌻😺😺😻🎂✨ -
    damommy: Thank you all so much for the lovely birthday wishes. It has made me so happy to have you for friends. -


damommy:

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?



damommy:

The serving size for pizza is "until you hate yourself."

    Midi O: hahaha.....LOLOLLLLLOLLLL -


damommy:

Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?



damommy:

Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.



damommy:
I posted a poem earlier today and failed to give the name and instructions.

It was called A Quckstep Duo, created by Nancy E. Davis and named by Jim Bartlet.

Instructions are:
Two five-line stanzas with syllable count of 10, 10, 8, 8, 10,
and rhyme scheme of a,a,b,b,a.


    nor84: Not sure I understand, but from what I'm reading, site could consider this asking for reviews, which is against the rules. -
    Ben Colder : Well done, Nancy does a great job. She has been on the site for several years. Both of you girl children have done a great job. Be blessed today and make the devil mad! -
    damommy: I am NOT asking for reviews. I simply wanted to get the instructions out there since I failed to add them to my author notes and a few reviewers showed some interest. -


damommy:

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.



damommy:

In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

    AJ McCall: HAHA! I could imagine that it would be in their history books and there will be two sides, one believes we fried people, and the other side thinks not. :) -


FanStory wrote to damommy: My Time in WWII finished second in the contest "War Story"


damommy:

What happened after David had his ID stolen?

We had to call him Dav.



damommy:
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It's a Small World ride. He said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All."

-- Conan O'Brien



damommy:

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That's why in the Navy, the Captain goes down with the ship. - Dick Gregory



damommy:

Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was playing fetch with a boomerang.



damommy:

True story. I've forgotten where it took place. A woman notice her hamster hadn't moved from the corner of his cage for three days. She took him to the vet, and it turned out that somehow he had swallowed a refrigerator magnet, and he was stuck to the bars of his cage!

Come on, now! As much as I love animals, this is funny! The magnet was removed and hamster is doing fine.

    mrsmajor:
    I'm glad the little fellow is now doing well, did the lady say what kind of magnet it was, I bet it was a lady magnet... -
    Jesse James Doty: Good one, Yvonne! I smiled widely when I read this. I am glad that the hamster is doing fine now.
    -
    Bonnie Seach : I love animals deeply too, however I did find this very funny. I'm so glad that the woman noticed the poor little thing needed the vet. I wonder if she found it difficult to free it from the metal bars of the cage. -
    Teri7: I am glad he is o.k.
    -


damommy:

This "formula" can be read like a limerick:

12+144+20+3√4+(5x11)=92+0
7

A dozen, a gross plus a score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by 7
plus five time eleven
equals nine squared plus not a bit more.




damommy:

Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot superglued to your shoulder.



damommy:

During time of shortages, I might run out of toilet paper, but if anyone needs 40 plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags, I will be the queen of this crisis.



    AJ McCall: It's always good to be prepared, LOL. I know who to come to when I need some bags...! -


damommy:

I wouldn't say my cooking is totally terrible, but natives keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soup.



damommy:

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started," says the man.

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse."

"You keep pulling on that rope, and it'll come back to you."

    mrsmajor: Maybe that man should get an electric mower, they seem to work pretty good for the lady next door. -
    Sankey: Ha good one see my poem about Sthop Thinning about the minister getting someone to paint the church. -


damommy:

A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch.

"That is true," he responded, "but it does depend at what speed you are carrying the torch."






damommy:

A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, "So, how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?"

"Well, Doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my stepdaughter.

"When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her, and they eventually married. So, my stepdaughter became my stepmother. Then, my wife gave birth to our son who, of course, was my father's brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my stepdaughter was my stepmother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my stepmother, is my grandmother, and I am her grandson. But that's not everything. I'm married to my step-grandmother. I'm not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that's enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn't you agree?"


    sandramitchell: 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣 You are soooooo funny! It must have taken ages to work that all out! I laughed my socks off!!!!!! 😂 -


damommy:
Historians of the future will have a hard time figuring out how many organized groups of strident jackasses succeeded in leading us around by the nose and morally intimidating the majority into silence. -- Thomas Sowell

    Badger_29: Thank you for sharing this seems very timely! -


damommy:

A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.



damommy:

If you're tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.

    damommy: Cute little chick. Years ago, my son and I were in DYI store and couldn't get waited on in the garden section. I went to the phone and called the store, telling them we were in the garden section and needed some help. Someone came right away. hahahahahaha -


damommy:

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: "You need to eat that chocolate."

The other voice goes: "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

    Jannypan (Jan) : Yes, choclate's good for your heart.
    (at least dark chocolate is)
    -
    Justin Yhoung: At least the voices are in unison with one another! lol. -


damommy:

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, "What do you want?"

The dog points to steak in a glass case. "How many pounds?" The dog barks twice.

"Anything else?"

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog's mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog's neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, "What a remarkable dog?"

"Remarkable?" snorts the owner. "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys."





damommy:

Do regular dogs see a police dog and think, "Oh, no, it's a cop!"



damommy:

My fashion philosophy is if you're not covered in pet hair, your life is empty.

    mrsmajor: I agree with that thought, Yvonne, and I will go further and say, a home without a Dog, is empty. My Shaka is right here at my feet, sleeping. -
    damommy: I'm so happy you all agree. I can't imagine life without a pet. Thank you. -


damommy:

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes

    AJ McCall: My and I used to bake cupcakes all the time. My favorite part, of course, was eating the mix left in the bowl. LOL. -
    damommy: It's always fun to lick the bowl and spoon. -


damommy:
I said: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
The mirror said: Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.




    Jannypan (Jan) : I'd break that mirror, but don't want 7 years of bad luck ~ maybe spray it with some windex so it can see you clearly.
    -
    mrsmajor: That was another good one Yvonne. Jan that was a really good response, for me, I think I'd just give him the evil eye, and he'd disappear...That old mirror has some nerve saying that to you, Yvonne... -
    strandregs: So I punched him in the face.
    Such a fathomless disgrace -


damommy:

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Better watch out. That may not be the case with new AI, Yvonne.
    -


damommy:

I wonder what it's like to be the guy who actually did forget how to ride a bike.
    Allezw2: https://www.facebook.com/groups/702304553632156/
    Unfortunately, it was a malfunction in the semi-circular canals. Thirty years before I noted an elderly gentleman riding his bicycle, upright, with fenders. I commented that was us in another few years. The others laughed. One by one they needed an artificial aid to retain their balance to walk, or ride their bicycle. Then they fell away, unable to ride a standard framed bicycle. Some tried a racing tricycle but never mastered flying the outside wheel on a fast turn. A couple tried a recumbent tricycle but were discouraged by the extra weight and the difficult ascent on the long hills from the San Fernando Valley over the mountain ranges to Santa Monica to the south, or into the Simi Valley to the west. Now, I am more akin to that older man I saw those years ago. My bicycle is geared to get there. Like the tortoise, or the little engine that could, I will make it, sometime. My goal? Membership in the nonagenarian subset of the organization in 2026. Allez! -


damommy:

Going to the beach with my dog named Shark was a big mistake.

    sandramitchell: 😂 you are so funny! How do you manage to come up with these gems? xxxx -


damommy:

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, :Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant?s retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."

    sandramitchell: LOL!! LOL!! That was so funny!!!! You are amazing dear Sister!! xxxx -


damommy:

Born and bred in Manhattan, Larry and Jane left the city to buy a cattle ranch in Wyoming. Months later, a friend flew out for a visit. "So, what did you name the ranch?" he asked.

"At first, we couldn't agree on anything," said the new cowboy. "We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch"?

"Wow!" His friend was impressed. But looking around, he saw no cattle. "So where are all the cows?"

"None of them survived the branding."



damommy:

Two Martians are watching Earth from the safety of their spaceship.

"This is interesting," says the first. "The biped species on this planet has developed satellite--based nuclear weapons."

"Are they an emerging intelligence?" asks the second alien.

"I don't think so. They have them all pointed at themselves."



damommy:

Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard. I've lived in constant fear ever since.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Well if it went 'down under', then maybe the Earth's rotation sent it spinning into space.

    -


damommy:

Ah, these modern days. I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone to cross the street.

    Jannypan (Jan) : . . .and that youngster probably had no clue what was happening since his/her eyes were glued to the phone
    -


damommy:

I don't know how old I am. It keeps changing.

    Jannypan (Jan) : As they say, age is just a number.
    Thanks for the laugh, Yvonne.
    -


damommy:

Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.




damommy:

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his dip at the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

    Jannypan (Jan) : When we played Monopoly, Tim would ALWAYS win ~ even he went to jail.
    -


damommy:

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?



    Jannypan (Jan) : Haha, Yvonne, that is so true. The sign needs to read 'Slow Down ~ Children
    Playing ~
    -
    giraffmang: Probably referring to the children I work with.... -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! My Hero is the new Story of the Month!
    sandramitchell: YAY!!! Congratulations, dear SATP! I'm so pleased for you. You have an amazing son! 🎉🧨✨✨🎈🥰 xxxxx -
    Pam (respa): Congratulations, Yvonne, you really deserved this!!! Enjoy your day😊😊 -
    judiverse: Congratulations on your Story of the Month. Great story. judiverse -
    Ginnygray: We share in your great news about ?My Hero?! Well deserved Mom and Son. Congratulations damommy. -
    damommy: Thank you all so much! -
    rspoet: Congratulations, Yvonne.
    You have a great SON, a great story and now a great SOM (Story of the Month)!!!
    -
    lyenochka: Wonderful story! I'm always thankful for heroes like your son!!

    -
    damommy: Thank you to this lovely group of well wishers. That means a lot to me, more than I can say. -
    karenina: An awesome recognition! So happy for you!
    Congratulations!

    Karenina -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Love at First Sound finished third in the contest "Race-Less Portrait"
    aryr: Congratulations, a great job. -


damommy:

Police officer: "Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I'm going to have to take away your driver's license."

Driver: "You're kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!"

    mrsmajor: Ha Ha, that's a good one Yvonne, it shows that people don't always pay attention to what's being said, that driver is one of those people. I think we all do that at one time or another...Enjoy the day...Finally the Sun is shining here on Long Island, it's been raining.
    Victoria -
    damommy: Thanks, ladies. I'm glad it gave you a laugh. Sun in New York, rain in Arkansas. What's it doing in Texas? -


damommy:

Europeans were scared of eating tomatoes when they were introduced.

Scholars think Hernan Cortes brought the seeds in 1519 with the intent of the fruits being used ornamentally in gardens. By the 1700s, aristocrats started eating tomatoes, but they were convinced the fruits were poison because people would die after eating them. In reality, the acidity from the tomatoes brought out lead in their pewter plates, so they'd died of lead poisoning.



damommy:

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.



damommy:

You know that moment when you're in the shower and it suddenly hits you, oh, no, if something terrible were to happen right now, I'd have to run outside naked.

Now, you know you've thought that at some time.

    nor84: Well, no... But I can remember what a friend said she thought when actually caught taking a shower. A significant earthquake hit the town. She thought: I came into this world naked and wet, and I don't want to go out the same way! -
    damommy: That's funny. Thanks, Nor. -


damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



damommy:

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. "There are no fish under the ice!"

He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: "There are no fish under the ice!"

He nervously looks up and asks, "Lord? Is that you?"

"No, this is the rink manager!


    Jannypan (Jan) : Even this ice skating penguin couldn't find any fish! Thanks, Yvonne, for the laugh.
    -
    AJ McCall: Hahaha!! Wow. He was in the wrong place! LOL. -


damommy:

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.



    sandramitchell: LOL! I want one of those!!!!! I'm always arriving at places and can't remember why I wanted to go there. I went out this morning to buy a new loo brush and came back with a new tumble dryer!!! 😂🤣 I still need the loo brush! -
    damommy: Oh, Sandra, that's exactly something I would do. I frequently come from the grocery store with everything but what I went for. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : The stores know that there will be impulsive buying. So, they stack the deck. Thanks for the laugh, Yvonne.
    -
    damommy: Love the compass, Jan. -


damommy:
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.

- Washington Irving



damommy:

Show respect even to people who do not deserve it. Not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours. -Dave Willis

    Jannypan (Jan) : Respect ~ show respect, it will return to you.
    Respect our Military ~ Always!

    -


damommy: We didn't realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun.
- Winnie the Pooh



damommy:

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.



damommy:

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.



damommy:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.



damommy:

Maybe the reason you think your washing machine is only eating single socks is that you wouldn't really notice if it ate a whole pair.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Well, if the washer can't eat 'em both, then join 'em.

    Thanks for the laugh, Yvonne.
    -
    Bonnie Seach : So true. We miss the obvious but forget about the things that are not obvious. Kind regards -


damommy:

What disease did cured ham actually have?



damommy:

How did the man who made the first clock know what time it was?

    AJ McCall: Wow. I have so idea! You know I never actually thought about that. That's a good one damommy. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Time to make the clock, of course! Thanks for the laugh, Yvonne.

    -
    mrsmajor: Well I think I got this one Yvonne...He took His time to make the time...His Time!...ha ha got yah! -
    damommy: Good one, Gloria. hahahahaha -


damommy:
The sun still shines, even when it's hiding.

- Winnie the Pooh



damommy:
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
- Benjamin Franklin

    mrsmajor: He knew he was out of place, and not wanted....God was with us, showering us with His Blessing of peace and joy....Don't ever come back, trouble, you will find the same circumstance. You are not wanted! -


damommy:

Why do we say tuna fish and not dog mammal?

    mrsmajor:
    Because a dog isn't a fish, but it is a mammal...I think! -
    damommy: I know. But if we tuna FISH, why don't we say mammal after everything that is a mammal? lol -
    mrsmajor: You got me there, Yvonne, hmmmm just cant answer that one...lol -


damommy:

I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle.


    mrsmajor: Come on now, Yvonne, I don't believe that at all...ha ha. -


damommy:

It is impossible to stand backwards on stairs.

    mrsmajor: That's for sure, unless you try and move...

    Ha, that was a good one, Yvonne.. -


damommy:

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me? are you a horse?"

"Why yes, I am," replies the horse.

"What are you doing at this movie?"

The horse says, "I really liked the book."

**********

Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the carousel and sober up.

    Justin Yhoung: Not sure I fully understood the !st one, but I hadn't heard the 2nd one before, so thanks for making me laugh!--is it yours? -
    damommy: Justin, the first part is funny because the horse came to the movie after reading the book. 8-) -


damommy:

How soon after waking up is it okay to take a nap?

    mrsmajor: Whenever my eyes, begin to scream,
    "Close Me, Close Me" then it's really time! -
    damommy: So right. I agree with you both. Whenever the mood strikes is the right time. -


damommy:


Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't.

- Bill Nye, the Science Guy

    mrsmajor: Indeed, Yvonne, but the problem is, not everyone will accept that. I've found out how little I do know about some things, and I have benefitted by the knowledge that was shared with me, from people I hardly knew. No matter how old one becomes, there's always something else that will make for a more tolerant, and interesting person.(at 86 years of age,I speak from my own experiences).
    -
    damommy: I learn something new almost every day. -


damommy:

Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don?t.

- Bill Nye, the Science Guy



damommy:

I can?t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.



damommy:

What if stones are just super nervous organisms and only get all tense when we touch them?

    Aussie: How about gallstones? :-) -


damommy:

One of the advantages of being disorganized is that one is always having surprising discoveries.
- Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne

    Mabaker12: I like lots of things but I wouldn't want them all to go public! Mabaker 12 -


damommy:

I haven't tried yoga, but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.



FanStory wrote to damommy: Life Before the Mast finished first in the contest "FUN! FUN! FUN!"
    sandramitchell: YAY!!! You won and so deserved my dear SATP!!! Huge congratulations!! 🥰😘 xxx -
    damommy: Thank you so much! I was truly surprised. -


damommy:


My driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. I got 7 out of 12. The other 5 managed to run to safety.




damommy:

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house and realized the vacuum wasn't even plugged in.



damommy:

My friend was going through her wardrobe and said, "Look at this. It still fits me after 25 years."
I said, "It's a scarf."

    AJ McCall: Smh... you come up with the best jokes! -


damommy:

If every person on Earth blinked at the same time, nobody would ever find out.

    k watson: But they would all be out. Ever played the 'killer' wink game? -


damommy:

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    CD Richards: Then the family fights over who gets what of your stuff start. -
    CD Richards: Truth is, no matter how many time you get scared half to death, it could never kill you (Zeno's paradox). -
    CD Richards: Pretty sure. It's like this old chestnut:

    A snail wants to visit a friend who lives 200 metres away. The first day, he manages to travel 100 metres. The second days, he is quite tired from the previous day's effort, so he can only travel 50 yards. The third day, he has even less energy, and can manage only 25 metres. How many days will it take him to get to his friend's place?

    Same idea :) -
    k watson: It is four times as scary. -


damommy:

The word "queue" is just a "Q" followed by four silent letters.

    TommyWrites: Annnnnd these are the kind of thoughts that keep me up at night. XD -
    k watson: Tell that to the people in Qatar. -


damommy:

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body.

    mrsmajor: You got that right, Yvonne, but the more the merrier doesn't seem to be working for me...That was a good one....ha ha ha -
    mrsmajor: You got that right, Yvonne, but the more the merrier doesn't seem to be working for me...That was a good one....ha ha ha -
    k watson: Yes, it all goes to waist. -


damommy: Potlatch Poetry will be posted at a later date.


damommy:

The darker it gets, the stronger is my belief in ghosts.

    k watson: Hiding under the blankets helps keep them away. -


damommy:

If you feel your children are watching too much television, mute it and put on the subtitles. Now they're reading!

    Brett Matthew West: One means of teaching them how to read. Not going to get books in most kids' hands these days. -


damommy:
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor -

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.

"No, not yet. The floor's still wet."



damommy:


Covid Vaccine Reaction!

This happened yesterday and is important information for those of us who happen to be over 65. I realizenot all who read this are over 65 but thought you might want a clue what it will be like someday when you reach it.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

    CD Richards: Seems he made a right spectacle of himself. -


damommy:

It's not hard to meet expenses.
They're everywhere.


    Begin Again: Amen to that! And they never stop running into us. -
    mrsmajor: That's true, Yvonne, but I wish they'd loose my address, my house if full. -


damommy:

How is seven different from the rest of the numbers between one and ten?

    Jannypan (Jan) : The word 'seven' is two syllables, and the others in question are only one syllable each.
    -
    damommy: You're absolutely right! -
    mrsmajor: I must really be getting old, it took me a few minutes to get that one, but finally, I go it...seven is two syllables and all the others are one... one, two three four five six...seven...eight, nine, and ten...Hooray! -
    damommy: Atta girl, Mrs. M. It took me a minute or two, too.
    -
    CD Richards: It's the only one which is the cubed root of 343. -
    damommy: CD, I'm not that smart. 8-) -


damommy:

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.






damommy:
Math Jokes:

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.

A farmer counter 196 cows in the field
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.

How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times . . . "

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's too bad they'll never meet.

Why can math books be so depressing?
Because they're filled with problems.


    strandregs: And i just asked why is every one so depressed
    I miss calculated
    Damommy is Da Man -


damommy:

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

    mrsmajor: That was a really good one, Yvonne, I needed that. -
    damommy: Thanks, you two, for always reading my silliness. -


damommy:
A lady went into a pet shop and was surprised to hear the parrot say, "Hey, lady. You're ugly."
She ignored it and thought it was kind of funny.

However, every time she entered the shop, the parrot would holler, "Hey, lady. You're ugly!"

Outraged, she spoke to the shop owner who had a word with the parrot. He said, "You can't talk to people like that. It must stop, or you will be in big trouble."

The parrot agreed he would stop shouting insults at the lady.

The next time she went in the shop, the parrot shouted, "Hey, lady. You know!"



damommy:

It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed. - Doe Zantamata

    mrsmajor:
    Not even for a moment, Yvonne, no even for a second... -


damommy:

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot. I'm behind you on the 7th hole."




damommy: One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it?s so expensive.

The assistant tells him, "This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast."
"Okay, what about the green one?" the man asks.

The assistant says, "He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes."

"What about the red one?" the man then asks.

The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."

Curious, the man asks, "What does he do?"

The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."



damommy:
Two factory workers are talking to each other one day.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "Oh, yeah? And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb.

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

As the woman leaves, the man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."



damommy:

A forgetful old gas man named Dieter
who went poking around his gas heater,
touched a leak with his light;
he blew out of sight -
and, as everyone who know anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.


    mrsmajor: I was waiting for the ending, ha ha,
    another good one.. -


damommy:
They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm deliberately making as many as possible.
Soon, I'll be a genius!!



damommy:

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."

"God, how much is a million dollars?"

"To me, it's a penny."

"God, may I have a penny?"

"Wait a minute."


    mrsmajor: Now that's really a good one....Ha Ha -


damommy:

Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?



FanStory wrote to damommy: Edna finished second in the contest "True Story Contest"
    Begin Again: Congratulations on your True Story Contest. "Edna" will be proud! Smiles to you! -
    Judy Lawless: Congratulations! A lovely story of cherished memories. Yes, if only she could talk! -
    damommy: Thank you so much. I very surprised and pleased. -
    lyenochka: Congratulations, Yvonne!
    So happy for you!!

    -
    Sugarray77: Congrats on placing in the contest, Yvonne. Loved your story.

    Melissa -
    judiverse: Congratulations on your second place finish. Great story. judiverse -


damommy:
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Then, forwarding it will be worth the effort.

Walk With Me While I Age -
it's worth the read. A beautiful poem about growing older.
>
>
>
Shoot!

I forgot the words.




damommy:

If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

    mrsmajor: That' for sure, Yvonne, not only car payments, try miss paying the electric bill, and you might not even be able to read it in the dark....lol

    Another good one ! -


damommy:

Rene' Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.




(referring to his quote, "I think, therefore, I am."


damommy:
There is a new study about how women feel about their asses. The results were very interesting.

10% think their ass is too skinny.
30% think their ass is too fat.
60% say they don't care. They love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.


    mrsmajor: That's a good one, I guess I'd have to go with the 60%, although he may be gone now, still, he was one of those good old guys..lol -
    damommy: I'm so glad you got a laugh. -
    mrsmajor: It's always fun to join in with my comments, Yvonne, there's always a way to find some pleasant moments in our lives, no matter how small they may seem...Yep I still miss that old guy... -


damommy:

It's so cold, my teeth were chattering all night - and I wasn't even wearing them.



damommy:

I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars.



damommy:

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "We don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."



damommy:

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

    Jannypan (Jan) : I agree when the gov't should be doing more to protect the air, land, and water from companies that consistently get by polluting the environment and/or dumping dangerous chemicals anywhere they can get by with. -


damommy:

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, Let's go in there for a pint." Second guy, says, "They won't let us in with our dogs." First guy: "Sure they will, just follow my lead."

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, "I can't let you in here with that dog."? He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman says, "Ok then, come on in."

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, "You can't come in here with a dog." He replies, "I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The doorman responds, "You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?" The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, "They gave me a chihuahua?"




damommy:

My doctor said, "You have high sodium, high cholesterol, lots of toxins. In fact, your blood test is remarkably similar to that of a potato chip."



damommy:

A burglar broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.



damommy:

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.

    greyson ernst: i heard that one before those darn garbage eaters or are those pigeons or both -


damommy:

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and will sing it to you when you have forgotten the words.
-Camus.

    nor84: I actually did sing via telephone with my friend Marilyn Callahan, who loved songs of Tommie Makem, who sang of the Irish Rebellion. Marilyn and I was co-authoring a novel, but she unfortunately passed away before we finished it. Some of you may remember her. -
    damommy: I'm sorry I didn't know here. I know you feel her loss deeply. We have very few true friends in life, and we're lucky if we have one. You were very fortunate in her friendship. I would like for you and me to keep in touch. -


damommy:
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read. -Mark Twain



damommy:

Masks are the new bra . . .
They aren't comfortable, you only wear them in public, people will notice when you DON'T wear one, and you can now get them in every color pattern and style.




damommy:
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

    sandramitchell: LOL!!! That is so funny!! You truly are as nutty as me! Lol. xxxx -
    damommy: If we lived closer together, I don't think the world could take it. lol. -


damommy:

Lent is coming up. Get your ash in church.



damommy:
Math book. The only place where it's normal to have 21 melons and suddenly eat twelve of them.



damommy:

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. - Winnie the Pooh

    damommy: I'm the lucky one with you as my friend! -


damommy:

Never underestimate the power of a random compliment.



damommy:

Do dogs chew up shoes because they think they're the reason we leave the house when we put them on?




damommy:
Zoo rules: Those who throw objects/stones at the crocodiles/snakes will be asked to retrieve them.

    mrsmajor: And if they refuse they should be fined, lots of money, but if their really money hungry they just might do it...LOL -


damommy:
Seen in a library window:

Please note:
The post- apocalyptic fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs.




damommy:

I've heard that, if you're thrown into water, you quickly learn to swim. I wonder if I fell off a building, will I learn to fly?

    greyson ernst: https://dl.glitter-graphics.com/pub/2080/2080180emgbdyh6sj.gif -- go to www.glitter-graphics.com -
    Mira 2: That makes me crack up! Hilarious! -


damommy:

A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat . Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant's retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."



damommy:
"The things that make me different are the things that make me, me." - Winnie the Pooh



damommy:

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. - Winnie the Pooh



damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



damommy:

Two young ladies living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away . . . Florida or the moon?" The other one turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida??????"



damommy:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the young woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' she yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

    mrsmajor: That's a good one, Yvonne, but understandable.lol -
    edde1969: He asked her if she had any I.D.
    "About WHAT?" she replied. -
    damommy: That's a good one, too. -


damommy:

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.



damommy:

A bored young man decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God" This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"




damommy:

A pastor recalls, "After a worship service, a mother of a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lost his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."



FanStory wrote to damommy: The Time Has Come! finished third in the contest "This Sentence Starts The Story"
    damommy: Thank you so much, dear friend. -
    sammielwf: Congratulations on your red ribbon Damommy. It all made "cents" in the end and I really enjoyed this piece.
    Sammielwf -
    damommy: Thank you, Helen and Sammielwf. Appreciate your congratulations. -


damommy:

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"



damommy:

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

    Jannypan (Jan) : So true! Many times a student would remark, "How am I supposed to look it up when I can't spell it?" Even if s/he did look it up, would they know if it was correct?


    -
    mrsmajor: Seriously, has that ever happened, I guess anything is possible. but really if a mistake was made, how would we know it. Well now I'm only going to use words I know how to spell...for sure! -


damommy:

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.



damommy:

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?



damommy:

Don't worry about other people's opinions of you. God never told you to impress people; only to love them.
- DaveWillis.org



    greyson ernst: i know but is till been having amazing reviews -


damommy:

I think I made too many New Year's resolutions this year. It took me almost a full day to break them all.

    Jannypan (Jan) : I did not make any this year. But what you shared was hilarious! -
    mrsmajor: I decided not to make any this year, so that my feeling won't be hurt when I break them. I guess I just can't help myself.It's easier to make them than it is to keep them. -
    sandramitchell: I made a new year's resolution, and so far I haven't broken it!! Mine was, I promise not to make any new years resolutions!! I've been so surprised that I've been able to keep it! :) So proud of myself. Lol. -


damommy:

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.



damommy:

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don't have it, but I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.



damommy:

Q: You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the carousel and sober up.






damommy:
Here's a helpful tip for the winter -
If you call out for pizza enough times, you don't have to shovel your walk. -Maxine comic strip


    mrsmajor: Guess I better start ordering Pizza, Yvonne, good thing I like it...We just had a pretty good snow storm.. -


damommy:

I'd rather look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying, "I wish I had done that."



damommy:

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels-the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

    mrsmajor: Ha Ha, that was good thinking, Yvonne, at least they won't be around all the time. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Yes, those 2 days many churches allow people to bring their animals for a special blessing for animals.


    -
    CD Richards: Really? I thought that was only on Vicar of Dibley!
    -
    damommy: I love Vicar of Dibley. Yes, we have a day in our church for blessing of the animals. -


damommy:

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with the note on it saying, "Toys not included." - Bernard Manning

    mrsmajor: My husband enjoyed putting the toys together for our kids, now without a battery, there's no fun and no play...lol -
    mrsmajor: My husband enjoyed putting the toys together for our kids, now without a battery, there's no fun and no play...lol -


damommy:

What's the differentiate between Christmas alphabet and ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

    damommy: How sweet! Thank you so much for this Christmas kitty! -


damommy: Jeopardy Question:

Clue: A 2012 poll by Britain's national army museum voted this man, born in 1732, as the nation?s greatest military enemy.

Correct response: George Washington



damommy:

Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me a lot of good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.



damommy:

Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He's at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.

    Cindy Decker: I?m sorry this happened. Dogs are dogs, but nonetheless the owner should take steps not to let their dogs roam and teach them not to bite. I hope the dog did not have rabies for Dave?s sake.
    Blessings. -
    mrsmajor: You can't mean he bit the dog, Yvonne, but if he did, it serves him right, don't try to get the hair off a dog! lol -
    mrsmajor: You can't mean he bit the dog, Yvonne, but if he did, it serves him right, don't try to get the hair off a dog! lol -
    mrsmajor: You can't mean he bit the dog, Yvonne, but if he did, it serves him right, don't try to get the hair off a dog! lol -
    mrsmajor: Sorry for the double post.. -
    damommy: No problem, Mrs. M, I just thought you liked it three times as much. LOL -
    trimple: Well that one went over everybody's head :) 'Hair of the dog' is a term used to describe someone having another drink to combat a hangover :) -


damommy:

I?m old enough to remember when a wild night out meant skating around in circles while a DJ played music.



damommy:

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.




damommy:

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

--Cullen Hightower

    mrsmajor: Not if you run away, Yvonne...lol -
    Irish Rain: Ha ha...my life just got lengthened...thank you ladies! -


damommy:

Seen on a church sign: By sheer perseverance, the snail made it to the ark.



damommy:

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

-- Bertrand Russell

    mrsmajor: I can deal with that, Yvonne, just walk along the beach, without notices all the beautiful shells, because we fail to look! -


damommy:

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Al McGuire



damommy:
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
- Billy Connolly



damommy:

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
--Calving Trillin



damommy:

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. ?Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    mrsmajor: So true, what's in one's heart is often hidden behind sad eyes, and never a smiling face. -
    Colin John: I wonder what he said about women? -


damommy:

I'm so old, when I was young, rainbows were black and white.

    CD Richards: Me too, Yvonne. I used to like watching snooker on our old B&W TV. At first it was hard trying to pick which was the pink ball, but I quickly figured out they had to sink it just after the blue. -
    damommy: hahahaha. I still like old B&W movies. -


damommy:

Sometimes I talk to myself, and then we both just laugh and laugh.

    mrsmajor: Another good one, Yvonne, ha ha, but how about this
    Sometimes I look in the mirror, and wonder who the heck is looking back at me, that can't me (but it is)...ha. -
    damommy: Boy, I know exactly what you mean! hahahaha -


damommy:
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -Winston Churchill



damommy:


An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


    mrsmajor: I knew there had to be a surprise at the end...ha ha...I couldn't even hold a 5 pound bag in one hand..That's a good one, I'm going to send it to my sister...lol -
    damommy: I'm glad you liked it, too. Let me know what your sister says. When I first read it, the ending took me by surprise! We assume the bags have potatoes already in them. hahahahaha -


damommy:

What if dogs in water aren't swimming, but simply trying to stand up repeatedly?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name


    Gloria ....: Haaaaa, this is so funny. Thanks for the laugh, Yvonne. :)) -
    mrsmajor: I liked those Yvonne, I needed a laugh!
    -
    damommy: I'm so glad someone's enjoying these tidbits. Thank you. -
    nor84: Yvonne, I don't know how you come up with these tidbits day after day, but keep them coming! -


damommy:

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be called a chicken sedan.

    mrsmajor: You got me on that one, I was thinking a "Chicken Coupe"... -


damommy:

It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.
Written by Doe Zantamata.



    mrsmajor: I am sure of that, Yvonne, no matter what, there is the strength that God grants to us in the most tragic of times...What a Blessing!
    -


damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

    Jannypan (Jan) : Ah, I don't know. Must ask Sven - he knows everything. -


damommy:
You know you're getting older when . . .

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

You gave up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.


    mrsmajor: Well there's one thing I can especially agree with, my teeth and I have been sleeping apart for a good while now...me in my bed, they in their own special place, in my bathroom medicine cabinet...ha ha ... -


damommy:

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.



damommy:

I hate spelling errors. You mix up to letters, and your entire post urined.



damommy:

I was sitting in my car at Wal-Mart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air, and every time he squeezed it . . . I honked my horn.



    Edward Escobar: I couldn?t stop laughing, how foul and yet sparklingly amusing -
    Jannypan (Jan) : This is great! Well, he was confused before, so no harm done. -
    sandramitchell: LOL! What are you like, Yvonne!!! LOL you are such a fun person/ xxxx -
    mrsmajor: That's easy to believe Yvonne, sounds like something I'd do...The remote looks very much like my phone...ha ha ...Good one, keep them coming...We need You! -


damommy:
It's important to take breaks between individual exercises. I stick to breaks of about three to four years.

Refusing to go the gym counts as resisting training, right?

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

Me, sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red: I can't see you anymore. I'm a not going to let your hurt me like this again!:
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.


    AJ McCall: 😂😂🤣 This is too funny!! -


damommy: Jan's brother passed away early this morning. She wishes to pass on her thanks to everyone for their prayers. Let's continue to pray for Jan as she faces this sad time.
    mrsmajor: I'm so sorry to hear that, I know she's facing a very difficult time.
    I will continue to pray for her and her family...May her brother rest in peace. -
    Gypsymooncat: Very sorry to hear that. I hope she's okay. RIP to her brother xoxoxoxo -


damommy:

Once I started to read between the lines, I realized that all books were really the same.

    mrsmajor: Empty..ha ha good one Yvonne... -


damommy: Jan's (Jannypan) brother is declining rapidly. If you see her posting her writing, it's what she's writing while she sits with him. She's not promoting, but please read it. She needs love and support from us all now. Thank you.
    AJ McCall: Will do... please tell her we're continuing to pray for her brother's health and well-being. -
    mrsmajor: I will do that, My prayers are still for her brother's well being...and for hers! -
    damommy: Thank you so much. Prayers are appreciated. I will certainly tell her. -


damommy:


My husband asked me if he was the only one I'd been with. I said, yes, all the others had been nines and tens.





damommy:

Some days, the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

    CD Richards: I can lend you a few, Yvonne. But I'll be needing them back :) -
    Carlos' girl: One can never have enough curse words, dammit! -
    damommy: Thanks, CD. Having been a Navy wife, I think I know them all. If I didn't already, I could have learned them all while driving a school bus. The language those kids used, even kindergartners! -
    Gypsymooncat: Hahaha, your profile thoughts crack me up!

    Being an Aussie, I can give you a very extensive range of expletives. -
    Gypsymooncat: They are cheap, too, and very effective lol! -


damommy:
An apple a day really can keep the doctor away - but only if you aim it well.



damommy:

I recently had a birthday, and I want to say I have everything I had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now.

    Gypsymooncat: Lol, love it! I hope "it" doesn't trip you up... -


damommy:
I'm so old, I can remember when multiplication was called "times tables"

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is taking it badly.

With age comes wisdom? Apparently, "wisdom" weighs about 20 pounds.


    nor84: some of us carry a heavier load of wisdom, LOL! -
    mrsmajor: "Times Tables" hmmmm, I can remember when only your fingers did the counting...as for old age and wisdom, well, let's just say, I'm 30 pounds overweight...LOL!

    Glad to see you Yvonne, missed you. -
    damommy: Thanks, ladies. I willing to bet there's more of us than there was 40 years ago. lol.

    It's nice to be missed. Thank you, Mrs. M. -
    Wils: You mean they don't call it that anymore?? I'm guessing long division's gone by the wayside as well. -
    Gypsymooncat: I must be awfully old, because I still call it "times tables".

    I must be INCREDIBLY WISE but only regards wisdom weighing 20 pounds. I'd say I'm at genius level. -


damommy:

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

You can't control everything. Your hair was put on top of your head to remind you of this.





    AJ McCall: Haha! :) But if you really think about it, it makes sense... -


damommy:

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

    Gloria ....: Haaaa. You always have the best jokes. :)) -
    damommy: Thanks, Gloria. I'm happy you enjoy them. -


damommy:

My son, John, passed away on September 19, 2020. I appreciate everyone's love and support, and the lovely poems you wrote. I love you all.

Thanks to Jan for taking care of my clubs.

I don't know when I'll be back on FanStory.

    Jannypan (Jan) : YOU are welcome, Yvonne. Everyone loves you and misses your awesome writing. Please hurry back. -
    mrsmajor: You're very welcome, Yvonne, we all miss you, and look forward to your return...Take Care of yourself, this is a difficult time for you and your family...We'll be right here waiting for your return...God Bless You...
    Victoria -
    damommy: Thank you so much. Everyone's love and support have meant to much to me. People I've never met and still have so much concern. God bless everyone. -
    Saria/Shreyamsi: You are welcome, Yvonne.....we all miss you and your writing, It is a difficult and Sad time. We are always here for you and waiting for your return :) -
    Debra White: I?m so sorry for your loss. Sending love and sincere sympathy x -
    Mrs. KT: Words seem so empty, but please accept my sincere condolences for you and your family, Yvonne. -
    sandramitchell: Dear Yvonne, you are so welcome, I just wish this hadn't happened to you and your family. We'll be here when you feel you want to return. Take care, my friend. Lots of love. xxx -
    Gloria ....: My thoughts are with you, Yvonne. (hugs) Take care and we look forward to your return to the FanStory family. -
    Alchera: Emptiness covers our life in this pandemic historical moment and empty and useless are the words but please accept my sincere sympathy and love for all your beloved family. -
    AJ McCall: Be well, Yvonne. Praying for your well-being. -
    Pam (respa): You are very welcome for the poems and support, Yvonne. We all miss you, but also know this is a very difficult time for you and your family. Take care of yourself, and we'll be here when you are ready to come back on the site. -
    Becky Kern-Taylor: Losing a loved one is very difficult, losing a child no matter the age, is horrific. Deepest sympathy, and know the fact you will meet again. -
    damommy: You are all so kind. I won't ever forget your love and support. Thank you so much. I'll be some day, but I don't know when. I'm thinking of you all. -
    Pearl Edwards: I think of you every day Yvonne, when my emotions spill for me, they spill for you too. Sending warm hugs across the seas to you and yours.
    valda
    -
    Pearl Edwards: I think of you every day Yvonne, when my emotions spill for me, they spill for you too. Sending warm hugs across the seas to you and yours.
    valda
    -


damommy:

I'm so busy I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

    l.raven: Happy Birthday Yvonne...it said it on the cake...but when I pasted it...it dropped it...I hope you have a lovely day...love Linda xxoo -


damommy:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. It's not what I expected.

I thought growing old would take longer.

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.

    mrsmajor: Yep, Jan, us old folks have learned to see only what we want to see when we look in the mirror...The thing is, what I see isn't looking back at me...hmmmm does that make sense... -
    damommy: I know what you mean. Something's gone wrong with all the mirrors at my house. lol -
    Colin John: When I was at school, I remember saying one day to friends," can you imagine being 50, now that is really old, hope I live that long" -
    damommy: Yes! I couldn't picture myself being 56 when the turn of the new century came. But there I was. -
    Miss Cookie Atkinson: I love the words to your poem what you wrote is oh so true. My only problem I don't think I could write a poem as well as you.
    It looks so hard to do.
    thank you for sharing.
    Cooke -
    damommy: Oh, Miss Cookie, my money is on you. You can do anything. 8-) -
    nor84: Who looks in a mirror anymore? When I was young, maybe 13 I said I wanted to be older. My dad, who was 50 years older than I was, looked at me sadly and said, "Norma, you'll be an old woman before you know it." Words of wisdom. -
    mrsmajor: Come on now, guys, and dolls, what are you going to do when you reach my age..I thought people gave up by the time they got to my age,86 but actually it brought into my life..a new friend, whose name is Arthur! bet none of you know him...lol -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Mrs. Major,
    Could you be referring to arthiristis? Hopefully, I'm mistaken. -
    mrsmajor: No Jan, you're not mistaken, Arthur wasn't invited, but he came on his own..and he won't leave...lol
    I promise I won't send him your way, he's creepy! -


damommy:

I yelled downstairs to my husband and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

"No," he replied.

I said, "How about now?"

    mrsmajor: Well, he must have deserved it...ha ha
    -


damommy:
4 out of 3 three people struggle with math.

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny? Anyway, I need bail money.



    mrsmajor: Now, Now, Yvonne, you know that it's really one dozen people out of 10 that struggle with math..lol
    -


damommy:

My date last night was really awesome. We had a definite spark and pretty soon, he was lying at my feet. I love my new taser.

    AJ McCall: Hahaha! Oh, no... that was so unexpected! Where do you get these jokes? -
    mrsmajor: Oh shucks, Yvonne, I thought you were talking about a dog, or a cat..I didn't get that one until the very end...Where do you get these jokes, they sure keep me thinking...Ha Ha -
    damommy: As long as y'all keep enjoying them, I'll keep posting them. I'm so glad you get a laugh. -
    mrsmajor: Yvonne, sometime we need a smile, and a laugh is even better..Keep them coming! -


damommy: Jannypan (Jan) wants to apologize for not getting back to her reviews. Her brother, Tim, is in the hospital after discovering he has a brain tumor. We don't know any information yet. She will get to her reviews as time permits. Please pray for Tim and Jan and family.
    AJ McCall: My heart goes out to Jan. I hope that they stay safe and well, and God will get them through this hard time. Please let her know that she is in my prayers. -
    Colin John: This is sad news for all at this time, I hope he can get the best of help he needs to recover fully. -
    Irish Rain: So very sorry Miss Jan. Prayers for your brother and your family. -
    mrsmajor: I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. I hope that her brother,Tim, receives the very best of care, and
    recovers..I will keep Jan, and her family in my Prayers...please let her know that...she's not alone, God's with her at this difficult time, and so are those of us that care for her..Victoria -
    damommy: I will be sure to tell her of your responses to her in her time of trouble. I know she thanks you all for your concern and for your prayers. -


damommy:

Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? -- Rose Kennedy

An ironing board is a surf board that gave up on its dreams and went to work.




damommy:

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn't tell what gave him the bigger shock -- the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

The snowman sniffs and says, "Hmmm, funny, I smell carrots."

    mrsmajor: I can deal with that, you can always put on that extra smile, and a go have some fun...In the snow! -


damommy:

A dog sits in a bar, sipping a bourbon. A customer walks up to him and says, "It's not often that I see a drinking bourbon here!" The dog replies, "Yeah, hardly a surprise at these prices."

What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena? No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.


    mrsmajor: I can join you, Yvonne, Ha Ha! -


damommy:

I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Do crabs think we walk sideways?

    AJ McCall: Hahaha! That is hilarious! But you know what, the bottom your feet also find legos and toy soldiers! -
    mrsmajor: I did win once, years ago, but they took almost half of it before they
    even gave me the check...no it wasn't a BIG one, but it was surely more than I had before I won..so I
    was a happy camper...where is it now?...Gone with the wind!! -
    shelley kaye: you see me running.... you'd better run too because there is something scary chasing me
    -


damommy:

Do not let them take your temperature going into the store! It's a scam! They're erasing your memory. I went for bread and eggs, but came home with Blue Bell Ice Cream and Snickers.

    mrsmajor: You're inner self spoke loudly and clearly...Give me Ice Cream, and give me Candy...Now!...Yummy... -


damommy:

I wonder on how many animals' backs did we humans have to jump until we found that horses are OK with it.



damommy:

We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.

My computer went down today, and I had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


    Jannypan (Jan) : These are hilarious!
    We all need to laugh more.
    Thanks, Yvonne.
    -


damommy:

I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this years. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

    mrsmajor: My baggage won't even speak to me...just stands by the door, staring at me...I'm in trouble...help! lol -


damommy:
THE ANIMAL CRACKERS CLUB is open to all and any of God's creatures. It seems we have more response from cat and dog lovers, but there must be some of you who have another kind of pets ? birds, fish, reptiles, etc. Please feel free to write about them in our club.

ASK P&P ADVICE COLUMN is not just for dogs or cats, either. Questions from anyone are very welcome and appreciated. It's all done in fun!


    Becky Kern-Taylor: Well, I was just going to enter a limerick contest. I read the rules and it said limericks were 9-9-5-5-9. In my 26 limerick piece, some of my limericks are 8-8-5-5-8. I asked them (the upper echelon) if that was permissible, haven't heard yet. I have been eradicated from 3 contests and lost those points. I don't want it to happen again. -


damommy:

Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday, and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

    DR DIP: I find that totally offensive Yvonne.
    I am a man of colour
    It's ridiculing the illiterate like me.
    -
    damommy: Go on with you. You're funny. 8-) -


damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.

--John Steinbeck

    Jannypan (Jan) : [url=https://www.glitter-graphics.com][img]http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/2864/2864888x0is8jm8sr.jpg[/img][/url]
    Great quote. Look in the mirror. Who do you see looking at You? -


damommy:

Newspaper ad:
We are asking rioters to work from home
and destroy their own property.

    CD Richards: Is someone missing the political forum? -
    Bananafish308: It is beyond criminal, in fact pure fascism, what some 'law enforcement officers' are doing to peaceful protesters and our GREAT USA! Forcible suppression of opposition is one of the hallmarks of authoritarian regimes. -
    Colin John: Sad but too true, better still put them in jail for a long time. -
    Becky Kern-Taylor: I'LL SECOND THAT. I am interested in your club. I'm a new kid on the block and am working to find my path. II am interested in the club? WHAT NOW??? Becky Kern-Taylor. signed up June 5th. -


damommy:

I just to a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.





damommy:

I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers, but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.



damommy:
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


    CD Richards: I've never seen a parachute jump... I imagine I just need to sneak up behind one and yell, "Boo!" -
    CD Richards: That's funny, Yvonne. It reminds me of the old Chinese proverb... "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving not for you." -
    damommy: Cute little parachuter graphic. 8-) -


damommy:

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.



damommy:

That moment when you talk to yourself and you start laughing like an idiot because you're just so hilarious!



    Jannypan (Jan) : happens all the time--we all need to laugh--even at or with ourselves -


damommy:

Why don't I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

    Selyob: Brilliant! Simply brilliant!!!
    -


damommy:

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Yes, it's amazing how items just jump off the shelves into your basket without you knowing it. -
    Selyob: LOL! Good to see I'm not the only one who owns stock in the grocery store. -


damommy:

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

    Jannypan (Jan) : Haha, that's a good one. Thanks for the laugh. We all need uplifting words these days--well always, really. -
    DR DIP: GPS

    I have a little Satnav
    I've had it all my life
    It's better than the normal ones
    My Satnav is my wife

    It gives me full instructions
    Especially how to drive
    "It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says
    "You're doing sixty five"

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever
    Safe to overtake

    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively
    Just when to intervene

    It lists the vehicles just in front
    And all those to the rear
    And taking this into account
    It specifies my gear.

    I'm sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car
    It still gives its advice

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey's pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it
    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
    Makes sure I'm properly fed,
    It washes all my shirts and things
    And - keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages
    And my tendency to scoff,
    I do wish that once in a while
    I could turn the f-----g thing off."

    doh!
    -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Wow, if my significant other referred to me as 'it' and signed off with profanity, I would . . . . so uncalled for . . . . this is what happened in the political forum and now that is gone???? -
    damommy: I don't appreciate profanity in response to anything I post. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : The proper response would have been an apology rather than continuing to this kind of reply. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Remember the saying ~
    "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything."

    I agree with you, damommy. While everyone has the right to expresse their opinion, there is a tactful way to do that many ignore.
    -
    DR DIP: "I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

    Jan if you thought my response to Yvonne's funny profile thought was in bad taste or a personal attack you've got to lighten up a bit.
    It was inane poem about a satnav saying it was comparible to one's "significant half' I bet your significant half would of had a giggle.
    The sad thing is Jan you have never gotten over my silly parody song from 5 months ago on the coronavirus at a time that no one was taking it seriously and even though it was written in the vein to lighten up which is now a very serious concern in the world today and sure in hindsight I regret posting it but sadly you have been a dog with a bone ever since ready to pounce on anything I post and thats fine but don't drag everyone else in on your bitterness.
    I for one was the person who had pushed for a couple of years that the political and religious threads should be removed from the forum as it became toxic and ruined friendships that had been forged through the common passion of the written word be them ever so diverse in style and personality.
    I have had a wonderful friendship with Yvonne over the 7 years of coming to Fanstory and always appreciate her reviews.
    Sadly my disillusionment with this wonderful site over the last 6 months and the seriousness and toxity that had been only enhanced by those two threads has seen my visits only fleeting.
    Unfortunately I just don't have the time in my life or the impetus at present to dedicate to this once enjoyable site the dedication it deserves

    respectfully and disappointingly
    dip
    -
    Jannypan (Jan) : I did not know your expertise in the medical field amounted to being a Doctor of Psychology. You only think you know me. But everyone knows you from your 'toxic' posts. This is the last postl from me on this subjct as I do not wish to bring the 'political' hatefulness of the former post to this one. It is evident that you are 'disalluioned with FS.' However, part of that can be attributed to your attitude. -
    damommy: Enough! The only thing I objected to was the use of "f*****g". Let's all stay friends because life's too short to lose one. -
    nor84: Sorry, I agree whole-heartedly with Jan. That poem was uncalled for and the F word was not its only problem. It was an attack on women. By removing the political and religious forums, Tom has shown he will no longer put up with bad behavior, he'll end the forum where it occurs. A psychologist who posts a poem with those remarks knows or at least should know that women reading it will be offended. -
    DR DIP: 'an attack on women'...give me a break Nor.
    If that offended you Yvonne I apologise but in the context of your initial 'profile thought' I really thought it would give you a giggle, it was never meant to be offensive just a bit of fun.
    Jan , Nor lighten up a bit for God's sake.

    I will refrain from posting here anymore if I'm that offensive.
    -
    Jannypan (Jan) : No, YOU, need to see the light. Your post was offensive--nothing funny about it. It was erogatory, hatefu, and insulting--esp to women. -
    Jannypan (Jan) : That should be 'derogatory' and 'hateful'. I add this since I can't revise any other way. -


damommy:

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.
- John Steinbeck


    Jannypan (Jan) : True, but so many take it upon themselves to condemn without realizing, or caring, that s/he (the one accusing) is the same. -


damommy:

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly

    mrsmajor: Exactly, Yvonne, writing does come from one's own self, and personal thoughts...how else can we write with honestly, fearing no one...
    -


damommy:

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

    Jannypan (Jan) : On the Sandwich Islands [real place] of course. But getting there is impossible. -
    dbmccarter: You are like a breath of fresh air. If you find our where sandwiches live please let us know. -
    CD Richards: Perhaps they live in the Sahara Desert? I've often heard about all the sandwiches there. -
    Gloria ....: I've hunted down many a good sandwich in the fridge, so while they might live in other habitats, my guess is the best hunting ground for sandwiches is the fridge. -


damommy:

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!

    mrsmajor: I can deal with that, Yvonne...I love popcorn! -
    damommy: Me, too! And potato chips. -


damommy:

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who's going to do it.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Haha, give it to your kitties. They like to get into anything and everything. -
    dbmccarter: I love all your observations. Keep them coming. -
    mrsmajor: For some reason, although I'm good at making the lists, they always seem to get lost...hhhmmm, I wonder why! lol -
    nor84: I have a to do list with only 3 items and it's been sitting on my desk 3 days. Well, as Scarlett said, "tomorrow is another day." -


damommy:

A lot of problems would have solved if those cowboy architects had built the town big enough for two.



damommy: Lyenochka and I are posting an advice column call "Ask P&P." We like questions from any of God's little creatures, not necessarily cats. You can PM either of us with your questions.
    Jannypan (Jan) : Hey, y'all. We need to support Helen and Yvonne with this fun project they are sharing. -


damommy:

I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.



damommy:

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. - Martin Luther



damommy:

I just realized that "Let me check my calendar" is the adult version of "Let me ask my mom."

    mrsmajor: That's for sure, my Mom, was my calendar and my watch...Her time was my time....lol -


damommy:
2020 - the year your trash bin goes out more than you.



damommy:
No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
-Terry Pratchett



damommy:

I'm so bored with all this isolation. I went outside and knocked on my own door, then came back in and said who is it?

    mrsmajor: That's funny, I know what you mean, I've taken to talking to myself, out loud!..even my dog looked around to see who was there!
    lol -
    CD Richards: I wish people would stop complaining about how this virus drives them crazy. By the way - I discovered an interesting fact. The potato vine growing on our fence has 37, 519 leaves on it. -
    damommy: You're both so funny. 8-) -


damommy:

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. -Jean de la Fontaine


    strandregs: Must have been a treacherous fountain -


damommy:

Cats are smarter than dogs. You'd never get eight cats to pull a sled.

    Jannypan (Jan) : True, and cats will get humans to pull THEM in a wagon. -
    strandregs: It's because they are snow flakes
    You'll never ever see a cat running for fun.
    Except in the Lion King -
    damommy: Oh, yes, they run for fun. Mine regularly play tag. -


damommy:
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, "Any suggestions for painting dogs?"

Another responded, "Wait till they're asleep."



damommy:
My mind is like my internet browser
19 tabs open
3 of the are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from

    damommy: It's the music! The music! It's driving me crazy! Bwahahaha. -


damommy:

Every family has one weird relative

If you don't know who it is, then it's probably you.



    Jannypan (Jan) : And the one thinking for sure it is someone else is the weird one! -
    damommy:
    I think in my family, it's me! hahahaha

    -
    Gloria ....: My family is completely opposite to that. There are nearly 134 complete weirdos. -
    damommy: Bless your heart. At least in my family, there's just the one. lol -


damommy:
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

    Jannypan (Jan) : I can hear it now!
    OR
    2 trucks will fall in love with each other. -
    mrsmajor: Here's a song...

    Truck on down, truck on down and find me!

    How's that Yvonne!

    lol -
    damommy: I think there's a hit song there! lol -


damommy:

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??"


    CD Richards: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender announces, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!". The grasshopper responds, "What, Kevin?" -
    DR DIP: A trump supporter walks into a bar......
    The bartender announces.."hey we have a nation after you"....the trump supporter responds.....What ? Michael? -


damommy:

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Yes! Those that don't add it to fruit salads may move to the head of the class. Those that do--in the corner! -
    mrsmajor:
    It's in the corner for me, Jan, I didn't realize a tomato was a fruit for a long time...Let's just say, wisdom was a little late showing it's face lol...but Now I know!

    I just finished making a salad to go with my dinner.

    That was a good on Yvonne!

    Take Care and Stay Safe!

    -
    damommy: Thanks, Jan and Mrs. M. I wonder what would happen if we did put it in a fruit salad? If you do, let me know. lol

    -
    strandregs: Knowledge is also not eating the skin and seeds.
    Or are they pips?
    Lectins !!!
    -
    damommy: How you eat a tomato without eating the skin and seeds? It would be naked! lol -
    Ogden: If that's what knowledge is, I was smart even before I started making my own sandwiches. -


damommy:

The first parents ever to have identical twins must have been really confused.



damommy:

Before crowbars were invented, crows had to drink at home.



damommy:
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.



damommy:
My boss told me, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

Now, I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Wonder Woman.

    Jannypan (Jan) : Well, the boss could dress like Superman and the committee could dress as Batman, Robin, and . . . -


damommy:

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. - Mark Twain

    Jannypan (Jan) : YES! We are seeing that in action with the riots--looting, burning, killing. -


damommy:
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. -Helen Keller

    Marjon van Bruggen: And Helen Keller was such a wonderful example of the truth of her wise words. -
    AJ McCall: Helen Keller is one oof my favorites... -


damommy:

We are all brothers under the skin, and I, for one, would be willing to skin humanity to prove it.

-Ayn Rand

    mrsmajor:
    I'll be right behind you...quick, fast, and in a hurry! -


damommy:

"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."

-Mark Twain


    mrsmajor:
    How very sad, Yvonne, that such a thought is true....but it is! -


damommy:

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

-- George Orwell



    strandregs: True like banning Chlorine Dioxide.
    Rick Simpson cannabis oil.
    Essiac tea.
    The Budwig protocol
    The Alzheimer's protocol.
    The Hockey clinics.
    Black salve.
    Black seed oil.
    Anything that will cure people and detail big pharma -


damommy:

For the first time since 1945,
the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been
cancel . . . cancul . . .
cance . . .
called off.




damommy:

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like bam, there's a snail.



damommy:

"Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood."

    Jannypan (Jan) : Good idea. But my next-door neighbor ran over their walking sprinkler in her driveway as she was backing out the driveway. This happened many years ago. -
    Gypsymooncat: Agreed. I love reading how to leave my house every time I bring up maps, not lol. Guess it's not a bad thing though...I might forget one day! -
    damommy: You may be right. One day, I may need those directions. LOL -


damommy:

Do you think some future archeologist will dig out Disney World and assume it's a temple of some bizarre mouse worshipping cult?



    phill doran: The short story "History Lesson" from the 1940's by Arthur C. Clarke, has a future race of alien creatures judging (the long extinct) mankind on the strength of a Disney reel... -
    Gypsymooncat: It's very possible and very likely. I hope they find Looney Tunes one day too. -


damommy:

In answer to Judiverse's dilemma:

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: "Oh, for goodness sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!"



damommy:
I like to hold hands at the movies . . . which always seems to startle strangers.

    mrsmajor: Ha ha, I hope you've gained some new friends too...that's a good one...ha ha -


damommy:

At the police academy, the instructor was telling different scenarios the cadets may encounter when they become police officers.

The instructor asked one young cadet, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

The cadet replied, "Call for backup!"

    CD Richards: Very good. Police also issued the following public service announcement this morning: "Running away from Law Enforcement Officers is not considered social distancing." -


damommy:

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in high school math instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

    Jannypan (Jan) : That's so true--students forever ask their teachers, "When are we gonna use this?" Parallelograms--hmm-would that knowledge help learning to parallel park? -
    CD Richards: ...or making playpens, or portable clotheslines, or any one of many foldable utensils ;-) Yes, I appreciate the joke, but I wonder if anyone can name a single mathematical formula or principle that hasn't had multiple practical uses? -
    Sarkems: I can only name the ones I've never used, Craig, which isn't the same thing. Most of it was beyond me. I was in the 'too thick' class in maths so the majority of the formulaic stuff they didn't even bother teaching us. So, Algebra - probably used all the time, but not by me. I never understood it. I vaguely remember something about Sine, Cosine and Tangent, but had no understanding of what it was and what it was for. Trigonometry I have actually used in my former life doing lighting designs, but only at a basic level, and my crapness with all things maths is the main reason I couldn't ever be a proper pro- LD. So, yes, there are prob multiple uses, but I've survived just fine understanding barely any of it. -


damommy: The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call my chief."

The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.

"How do I handle this, chief," asked the policeman.

"Is it the Governor" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who is it then" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the policeman, "But he's got the Pope as his driver."



damommy:

Is a paper cut the tree?s way of getting back at you?



damommy:

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body!

    Jannypan (Jan) : The reason that happens is so you will have the ability to return for more burgers & fries. -


damommy:

In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered, "a doctor."

    Gypsymooncat: I might do the same, because my partner might laugh and ask them to finish the job lol! -


damommy:

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


    Jannypan (Jan) : This is a fun little joke. Thanks for the laugh. [I know it is all in fun.] -
    Gypsymooncat: Where do you come up with these hysterical one liners?? LOL!! -
    sandramitchell: LOL!! You are so funny, Yvonne, and you always cheer me up! -
    Gypsymooncat: Oops, there's a comment from me that I believe should've gone on C D Richard's profile page...shame, shame, shame... -
    Glenda Simpson: What a witty quip. Your sentiment is a walk down memory lane for those of us who have many trips around the sun. Much future success. Glenda
    P.S. Do you want to be buddies? -


damommy:

A man goes into a shoe store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any alligator shoes?"

"I don't know," replies the clerk. "What size does your alligator wear?"

    mrsmajor: Another really good one. lol -


damommy:

Feeling guilty about your kid watching too much TV? Mute it and put the captions on. Boom. Now they're reading.



damommy:

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of the little monsters called in a bomb threat.

    Jannypan (Jan) : So did mom run out the door and forget the ragamuffins? [I know this is all in jest.] -


damommy:

Exercise for People Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room a ech side.

With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you?ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags. Then try 50-lb. potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can life a 100-lb. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I?m at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


    June Sargent: You always manage to get a chuckle out of me - you got me at the end! Keep them coming - we need to laugh more these days...


    -
    damommy: I'm so glad you like them. I like posting them. You're right. We need laughs these days more than ever. Thank you. -
    mrsmajor: Yvonne, you got me that time...until the ending...We all need to laugh these days..keep them coming...lol -
    CD Richards: Finally, an exercise regime I can keep up! -
    samandlancelot: Haha. I love it! I'm going to start my training today. Patricia -


damommy:

You know where the general keeps his armies?




Up his sleevies.




    mrsmajor:
    Under the shoulder pads in his jacket.... -


damommy:
I'm officially old. I just spent ten minutes chasing an eye floater with a fly swatter.


    sandramitchell: LOL! Yvonne, you are so funny! It took me a moment to 'get' it, but then I howled with laughter! :)) -
    LIJ Red: My eye doc said "The critters were always there, you just couldn't see 'em for the cataracts." -


damommy:

My cleaning lady just called and told me she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

    mrsmajor: Well, with those instructions I'd do the job myself and fire her...forever... -
    Jannypan (Jan) : Thanks for the laugh1 She sounds like MollyMade her living and has no more giving. -


damommy:
I see people around my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!

    mrsmajor: Ha ha, I'm lucky to be able to stand up, and even try!... -
    RJN: at a loss for words....lol -
    Gypsymooncat: I also view that as a major achievement. The undies that is lol! Love your profile thoughts! -
    DR DIP: I like doing the Mr Bean trick lol -


damommy:
To go to the grocery store, they said a mask and gloves were enough. They lied! Everyone else had clothes on!

    Jannypan (Jan) : Quick, grab a roll of paper towels to cover . . . oh well, nice thought . . . -
    juliaSjames: Love your wit! Humour is the best antidote for stress. -
    Jen Vasquez: That was a good one... I imagined the whole thing... I -
    mrsmajor: Thanks, humor certainly has a place in our lives, especially now, that was a good one. -
    damommy: I'm so glad you all enjoyed this. -


damommy:

8:00 p.m. is now the official time to remove your day pajamas and put on your night pajamas.

    Jen Vasquez: Yessss.... You are absolutely right!! Pajamas for the day... A pair for the afternoon/evening and then put on my favorite ones for bed time -


damommy: During this quarantine, my thoughts go out for all those poor married men who've spent months telling the wife, "I'll do that when I have time."

    sandramitchell: LOL!! You should see the list I've given my husband! He has nowhere to hide, lol. -
    DR DIP: dont forget the line by the wives 'not tonight honey I don't have the time or the inclination" could be a lot of trade offs i'd say haha

    My list is over a foolscap long but the surf has been good lately lol -


damommy:

Please forgive me if I don't get any reviewing done for a few days. I injured my left hand yesterday and typing is very difficult using one hand.

    mrsmajor: Take Care, I hope all goes well for you...
    Blessings...Victoria -
    lyenochka: Totally understand, Yvonne! Please take care of your hand! ♥ -
    lyenochka: Totally understand, Yvonne! Please take care of your hand! ♥ -


damommy:

I shot a turkey yesterday. It scared the heck out of the other customers at the meat counter.

    DR DIP: I went fishing and got a lot of bites lol -


damommy:

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Okay, FINE. It was a pizza. I ate a pizza.



damommy:

When I start to sing, my family goes out and does some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

    mrsmajor: Why do they do that, Yvonne, are you an Opera singer? lol -
    Gypsymooncat: When I start to sing, my partner takes the dog for a walk... -
    Gypsymooncat: When I start to sing, my partner takes the dog for a walk... -
    Gypsymooncat: When I start to sing, my partner takes the dog for a walk... -


damommy:

Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her pajamas.

    Ideasaregems-Dawn: Put her outside without a coat-- in winter-- then douse her with water. :) LOL. -
    DR DIP: Don't put her near a radiator -


damommy:

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

    DR DIP: hehe you're funny Yvonne
    Suppose I should be careful what I wish for around here. -
    Gypsymooncat: Hahahaha, even though I got along with my ex-mother in law most of the time, sometimes I wished for a working wishing well! This made me laugh out loud! -
    sandramitchell: LOL, Yvonne you curl my up laughing, you are so funny!! LOL xxx -


damommy:

The daffodils have buds and I expect snow any day. It always happens that way, what I call the Daffodil and Snow Tire Festival. lol.

    Eve Vasa: hahaha ? you are funny. I read this the other day but didn't get it. Today, the penny has dropped, lol. Have a good day, Eve. -


damommy:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



damommy:

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

    Eve Vasa: hahahahah ? love it! I love jokes. You have to be careful though, I have been known to get it wrong. I will add one below for you... Eve. -
    Eve Vasa: Sorry about spelling your name wrong, I thought it would just go below your comment. -


damommy: ?Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.?
? Anonymous.
    DR DIP: "The present is the future of the past"

    dipi lama -


damommy:

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

    Bicpen: ... dont forget one to turn it on ... -


damommy: When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.'

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as he instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out he was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.


    DR DIP: hehe too funny

    dip -
    Kerry Robinson: Haha-ha😂🤣🤣
    That?s hilarious, I can?t stop laughing. -
    Katelynn Magee: hahaha. i have to help my mom insert her card all the time this is too funny! -
    damommy: Thanks to you all. I'm so glad you found it as funny as I did. -
    mrsmajor: Ha Ha that's the funniest think I've heard in a while...LOL -
    D.F. Wood: OMG, you had me going. I was wondering "WHAT". You have made my day by bringing me a smile. Thank you. -
    sandramitchell: LOL!! Yvonne you are soooo funny, the twist at the end had me screeching with laughter!! I really believed you for a while there! Lol. -


damommy: If you ever see me running, run like hell, too. I?m far too lazy to be running without a good reason.


damommy: The person who thought it?s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn?t have any siblings.
    Kerry Robinson: That's really funny. lol
    I for some weird reason have one to the bathroom ceiling light in my kitchen. There is another in the bathroom which is for lights above the vanity. It's so strange.

    -


damommy: I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.
    sandramitchell: LOL! I have the same problem, Yvonne, it's so frustrating, isn't it? lol!!! -


damommy: Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 1 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

    Ms. Snyder: HAHAHAHAHA - I absolutely loved this joke! Cheers -
    Bro0ksi8: That is just tooooooo funny. -


damommy: A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster! The offspring were the laughingstock of the community.

    sandramitchell: LOL!!!! What are you on, Yvonne?? I'd like some of it? LOL! -


damommy: Don?t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head, that?ll freak you right out.
    Eve Vasa: hahaahah love it, damommy, and as for my brain, ditto, lol -


damommy: Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere that makes your heart race and changes you forever . . . we call these people cops.
    Bro0ksi8: Especially, when you are driving your husbands car and you can't remember where the registration is located. -


damommy: I asked my son if he'd seen my newspaper. He told me that newspapers are old school. He said people use tablets and iPads today, and handed me his iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance.



damommy: Check out scholarship for Pantygynt's poetry class!!! Go to the 'Clubs' tab under 'Social' tab.


damommy: I had a really bad day yesterday.

First, my ex got run over by a bus.

Then, I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
    damommy: Thanks for reading this. I'm glad it gave you a laugh. -


damommy: Last night, I dreamed I was walking on the beach. I guess that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
    alf collier: Oh wow, hope that was sand between your toes!! -


damommy: We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner
    jlsavell: So cute, you will love those little critters. I have a few. -


damommy: A bowl of rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.
    Jannypan (Jan) : Well, those 2,000 little sticks need something to hold them together like 2,000 chocolate chip cookies. You know 1 to 1 correlation. -
    JLR: I have resubmitted the free verse with revisions JLR (Jim) -


damommy: I just talked with our good friend Douglas Paul. He's determined to be up and about soon. His attitude is an inspiration! Let's pray that he will.


damommy: They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
    Adri7enne: I would have predeceased you by several years. -


damommy: Why do sea gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.


damommy: The police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even have bikes!


damommy: 10 FUN FACTS

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose with your
tongue out.
4. You just tried No. 3.
6. When you did No. 3, you realized it's possible, only
you look like a dog.
7. You're smiling right now because you were fooled.
8. You skipped No. 5.
9. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
10. Share this with your friends to have some fun, too!

    phill doran: ho, ho! that is brilliant... (i just watch somebody else do it, exactly as written. pffft, people...) -
    Gloria ....: How did you know?! I did try number 3. LOL -
    damommy: Don't feel bad. I tried it, too. lol -
    Ideasaregems-Dawn: Hahaha. Gotcha. I couldn't try #3--I wouldn't chance it with this cold.(*grin*) -
    sandramitchell: LOL!!! I did everything that it said I would! And so did my husband! That had me howling with laughter! -


damommy: A Police Officer came to my house and asked where I'd been between 5 and 6. He seemed a bit irritated when I answered, "Kindergarten."
    lyenochka: Lol! Thanks for the giggles, Yvonne! -
    Pam (respa): Ha, Ha. This appeals to my sense of humor!!😊 -


damommy: I'm bored. I think I'll go to mall, find a parking spot, and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.
    Gloria ....: Haaaa, that would definitely cause some fun when parking is premium. :) -
    WryWriter: Oh...you do have a cruel streak. LOL! LOL! -


damommy: Just burned 2,000 calories. That?s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap!


    mrsmajor: I'm so glad you woke up in time...I bet You won't do that again....lol -
    WryWriter: I can see this becoming a new weight loss fad. "How to burn 2000 calories without leaving the couch! Send $9.99 to P.O. Box 'Quick Burn', Jiggling Bootie, Ca. 55555" -
    Sarkems: Great. Now I want brownies. -
    damommy: Oh, the power of suggestion. Now, I do, too. hahahaha -


damommy: I hate it when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
    WryWriter: I'd say neither side deserves an advocate. They shouldn't be arguing in public! LOL! -
    DR DIP: Suppose that's the same on here hey. Yvonne
    Sometimes I wish people knew the full story and not just judge someone on heresay and rumour. and know first hand the facts.

    Thanks for posting Yvonne

    xdip -


damommy: I just spoke to Douglas Paul's son. Douglas is back in the hospital. Brett, the son, said there were indications that it go could either way. We'll pray it goes in his favor. Douglas has been a good friend to many on FS.
    sandramitchell: Oh, No, not Douglas as well! I'll keep him in my prayers. What a sad day this has turned out to be. He was a great friend and I've missed him loads. If you hear more, let us know, want you? Thanks for passing this on. Yvonne. xxx -
    davisr (Rhonda): Oh my! My prayers are with both families, and these on the heels of losing Mikey a few months ago. -
    damommy: It's been a bad year for losing friends. Still, Douglas may rally. I wouldn't be surprised if he does. His great attitude has carried him far past what the doctors predicted. If I hear more, I'll certainly share it. -


damommy: Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking its time and getting to know everyone personally.
    Thomas Bowling: Insanity is hereditary.

    You get it from your kids. -

    CD Richards: LOL How true... well, almost. In reality, mom's too busy on her cellphone to notice what they're eating. -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Not Saved by the Bell! finished second in the contest "100 Word Story"

    damommy: We should form a club. hahaha -
    Angela Hayes: I was classed as a minor, but because of my job my pocket money was too much...lol -
    mrsmajor: It's much easier being an innocent kid...that's for me...this grown up thing is just too hard... -
    sandramitchell: I don't like ageing, either. too many things start going wrong. At least if you are an old car you can have a good service and be able to carry on zooming around! You can't do that with a zimmer frame! -
    DR DIP: Age is a state of mind Yvonne

    xx -


FanStory wrote to damommy: You Can't Fool Mother Baker finished first in the contest "Every Story Has A Beginning"
    Jannypan (Jan) : CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WELL-DESERVED WIN, YVONNE!
    (three's a crowd, right?) Jan


    -
    damommy: Thank you, Jan and Gareth. I never thought I'd make it to the top. How exciting!

    Love the kittens. -
    Sarkems: Well done. A worthy winner, indeed. -
    damommy: Thank you, Sarkems. I'm sorry, I don't know your name. I appreciate your congratulations.

    Yvonne -


FanStory wrote to damommy: The Final Tally finished second in the contest "Sonnet Poetry Contest"
    MissMerri: A heartfelt congratulations to you for this wonderful sonnet taking second place. -
    judiverse: Congratulations on finishing second in the sonnet contest. Great Work! judiverse -
    damommy: I accidentally deleted the messages from Giraffman and Sarkems. I'm so sorry. Sometimes, my fingers get away from me. -


damommy: It seems someone has created a Hotmail account using my name, and are contacting everyone in my contact list. If you get anything from yuzzell@hotmail.com, it is NOT me. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I'm taking whatever steps I can to stop it. Thank you for understanding.
    WryWriter: Keep an eye on your bank account. Sounds fishy to me. -
    nor84: You should probably let Tom know about this, if you haven't done that already. -


FanStory wrote to damommy: I Stand Forgotten finished third in the contest "Rhyme-horse/horses"

    sandramitchell: LOL!! That is so funny, Yvonne, and congratulations!! :)) -
    MissMerri: Hahahaha! Are you sure you didn't have some help? Love this... and your delightful sense of humor! -

    Tootie: Hilarious! Thank you! :) -
    WryWriter: That sign is priceless!!! LOL! -
    robyn corum: THANK YOU SO MUCH! That's the best thing I've seen all day and it made me so happy... deeeeep down HEART happy. And I had to take a pic and pass it on to my mother AND my mother-in-law. I couldn't get to church services this morning and this just helped SO much. Hugs, hugs, hugs!!! -
    sandramitchell: That is sooooo funny! LOL! What a good way to start the day, wetting your plants!! LOL. x -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Life finished first in the contest "FREE VERSE !"
    alf collier: Heaps of congratulations, my friend!! This was a fantastic write!! -
    Irish Rain: Congratulations Miss Yvonne, got my vote! -
    damommy: Thank you, each and every one. -
    l.raven: CONGRATULATIONS my sweet friend...a vote well deserved...love Linda xxoo -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Love This Day! finished second in the contest "Kyrielle poetry"
    BeasPeas: Congratulations on placing in the contest. Marilyn -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! Simplicity won the contest "I Can't"
    judiverse: Congratulations on your great contest win. judi -
    Dean Kuch:
    CONGRATULATIONS, Yvonne!
    photo skeleton-animated-gif-8_zpsgszwsxnb1_zpsqts5abyo.gif
    ~Dean -
    Ulla: Yvonne, this is so well deserved. Congratulations!!! -
    damommy: You're all so kind to send me congratulations! I appreciate it so much. Thank you for your support. -
    Mrs. KT: Beautiful, Yvonne...
    Congratulations!

    ~diane -
    krys123: Congratulations, Damommy
    I'm happy for you
    Alx -
    tfawcus: Congratulations! A lovely poem. -
    BeasPeas: Congratulations, Yvonne, on your win. Great job. Marilyn -
    Phyllis Stewart: Congratulations! Superb poem in every way. Definitely deserved the win! :) -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! November 2018 Recognized Writer!
    Ulla: Wow, Congratulation!!! If anybody deserves this then it's you. I'm so happy for you, Yvonne. Ulla xxx -
    michaelcahill: Whoo Hooo! Who says nice gals don't finish first? So happy for you. Much deserved. :)) -
    Dean Kuch: Well it's about time if you ask me, Yvonne.
    Congratulations, so well deserved!
    -
    damommy: Are they sure this was meant for me????? I'm stunned. I appreciate all your lovely messages. Thank you for your support ever since I've been on FS. Yvonne -
    judester: Bravo you. Congratulations on your award. Cheers, j -
    IndianaIrish: Congratulations on this outstanding FanStory recognition! -
    Pam (respa): Congratulations on being the Nov. Recognized Writer. Very well deserved. -
    JennaG: This is awesome! Congratulations to you, Yvonne! :) -
    damommy: Everyone has been so gracious. Thank you all for your friendship and support. I love it here! -
    Pam (respa): Congratulations for this special honor. You are very deserving, as you add a lot to FS with
    your creative efforts. -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Forgotten finished second in the contest "CHAIN RHYME"
    Ulla: Congratulation!! Well deserved. You know where I was on this. :))) -
    damommy: Awww, y'all are so sweet. -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Wally Weasel's Vacation finished second in the contest "Write Your Best Children's Poem"
    michaelcahill: A win to be proud of in one tough field of exceptional writers. Congrats!! :)) -
    damommy: Thank you so much for your congratulations, Jan and Michael. I appreciate it. -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Little Buccaneers finished third in the contest "swap quatrain"


damommy: I want to thank the Committee for choosing my story in the Dribble Flash Fiction contest. Also, the lovely people who sent me congratulations. I was never so surprised, and I'm tickled pink! Thank you, everyone.
    Ulla: Congratulations!!! I loved the story. Ulla:))) -
    BeasPeas: Hi Yvonne. Congratulations on your win. Marilyn -
    joycetreasures: Congratulations on your win! DaMommy!!! Great job!! -
    Adri7enne: Congratulations on a well-deserved win. Great little story!
    -
    Pam (respa): Congratulations on your win in the Dribble Flash Fiction contest. I liked your story a lot! A good sense of humor. -
    l.raven: Hi Yvonne, CONGRATULATIONS sweet girl on a sooooo deserved win...I am so happy for you...love Linda xxoo -
    Pantygynt: I am s pleased this story won. The concept was just brilliant. Congratulations. -
    JennaG: Congratulations to you! I loved your story! :) -


FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! The Kept Appointment won the contest "Dribble Flash Fiction"
    Irish Rain: YAY!! Congratulations Miss Yvonne!!!! -
    Sugarray77: Way to go!! Great Dribble entry. Congrats!! -
    krys123: Congratulations, Damommy, for your elegant win
    Alx -
    judiverse: Congratulations on your great contest win. I loved your story. judi -
    damommy: I want to thank the Committee for choosing my story in the Dribble Flash Fiction contest. Also, the lovely people who sent me congratulations. I was never so surprised, and I'm tickled pink! Thank you, everyone. -
    michaelcahill: I can verify, this is a TRUE story. LOL

    Congrats! So original and funny. :)) -
    rspoet: Congratulations! Always trust a dog more than its owner. Well done. -
    Robbie Yates: Congratulations! Such a great flash fiction piece - well done! -


FanStory wrote to damommy: The Reason's Simple finished second in the contest "Humorous Dialog "
    judiverse: Congratulations on your excellent second place showing in the Humorous Dialog contest. judiverse -

    Ideasaregems-Dawn: This spider looks a lot like a room-mate I once had who went missing... (*evil grin*) What happened to you, Betty Boo-s? (For those who don't know my twisted sense of humor, I'm joking, of course... Or am I? Muwahaha!):)) -
    damommy: I, too, have a odd sense of humor, Dawn. I totally understand. LOL
    -
    BeasPeas: You may not believe this, but I DO think of things like that. I hate killing anything and try to carry it outside is I can. Two exceptions--mosquitoes and ticks. Marilyn -

    giraffmang: Technically this would mean that the singularity had been reached and that God is in fact a giant self-aware Artificial Intelligence... -


FanStory wrote to damommy: The Tiny Leaf finished second in the contest "Rhyming Poem"
    Jannypan (Jan) : CONGRATULATIONS! A WELL-DESERVED WIN!
    -
    Mrs. KT: So beautiful!
    Congratulations! -
    damommy: Thank you! I'm so excited, and surprised. -
    JennaG: Congratulations to you! Your poem is wonderful! :) -
    damommy: Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm so excited to win second place. -


damommy: Pluviophile - a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.
    damommy: Thanks. I couldn't get the picture to load. -
    F. Wehr3: Oooooh man! Now I feel bad I punched someone the other day for calling me this. -
    Irish Rain: I LOVE rain. If it rained every day, I'd be thrilled!!! -
    damommy: Me, too!!!

    Don't you love Wehr3's reply? LOL -
    Irish Rain: Ha ha...well it DOES sound insulting, ha ha!!! -
    Jannypan (Jan) : I love, love, love rainy days. Five days out of 7 would be great with 2 partly cloudy days. -
    Delahay: So, you're saying I should NOT punch anyone who calls me this? -