A Hidden Life

Luke was alone again in the cabin, except for his little bulldog Bugsy who watched his every move. Luke ransacked the cupboards until he chanced on a dusty bottle of Jack Daniels. He took too big of a swig until it torched his throat, and he sprayed the remnants of his drink. Bugsy ran for cover. The room spun. He closed his eyes until he could sit and read where a shaft of light poured through a window.

Before Luke read the first letter from his former high school girlfriend, he noticed it was from Amherst, NY near the Falls near Buffalo. He clutched his letter, closed his eyes and tried to go back in time and imagine how life would have turned out if they had married. His first love.

He took the stack of letters and read the first one, as instructed by his wife, Sharon. Suzie explained how when she got pregnant, her parent's moved her out of state to an aunt to have the child. How she was told not to tag Luke as the father, or they would have him arrested and up on charges since she was still fifteen, and he was eighteen. Her father, a lawyer, was deadly serious. He had the connections to make it stick.

Luke read the letter, as if in a trance. "From my Aunt's house, I thought about calling you a thousand times. I would lay in bed and dream about how we would work out a plan to run away together. By the time I had the baby and was sixteen, I was less afraid of my parent's world, I heard you had gone to school, and you were dating someone. Then, myself esteem was in the toilet, and I just couldn't tell you. I regret, every day now. A few years later when I finally worked up the nerve and Chrissy was two years old, you had gotten married. I figured it would ruin your life."


Luke's mind pinballed back to his wife, Sharon and the divorce papers. He was free now but kneecapped by his own brush with the law he swore to protect. His life was turned upside down and he felt as if he should be hanging from the rafters of the cabin. He had only known Suzie moved away to live with an aunt, and when he tried to contact her through her parent's they stonewalled him. He expected to hear from her, then finally gave up, found a new life in college, and then got married to Sharon. But now the memories flooded him with such regret he could scarcely come up for air.

Luke went further back in time when he was a teenage Peeping Tom. He walked the back woods spying on houses. Suzie's was the last one. He hid behind a tree. She spotted him and ran out to greet him. Luke acted like he was looking for arrowheads with his head down. "What are you doing, she asked."

"I heard there's arrowheads in the woods."

She smiled with wide emerald eyes of wonder. She stepped toward him. "Let me help."

Luke couldn't say no. He was ashamed, he'd been spying on people. He was just a bored twelve-year old. Suzie was the cutest Tom Boy he'd ever met.

"Sometimes I find seashells," said Suzie. "My Dad told me that all this land used to be under water."

Luke was in love from the moment she smiled his way. He swallowed a lump in his throat.

Suzie made up for his lack of words. "Hey, do you want to smoke cattails? We have some by the tracks. I'll grab matches." She darted back to the house.

When she raced back, Luke didn't mind following Suzie to the weeds. It was a warm sunny day. They were so close to the railroad tracks he could smell the iron rails. They made a bed of grass, broke off cattails, smoked them, and pretended to be adults. They looked up at the pearly blue sky watching jet trails paint on nature's canvas.

Suzie looked over at Luke. "Do you ever wonder what you will be when you grow up? Like will we have kids, a family. Will we... like do something special with our lives?"

Without hesitation Luke said, "I want to be a police officer or a fire fighter and save lives."

Suzie cried. "This world is a dangerous place. I don't know if I could keep my own child safe from all that can go wrong."

Luke was ready to tell her anything to keep her from crying. "when I get my badge some day and you need me, I'll be there."

Tears pressed against Luke's eyes, as he looked up from the letter. His old love for her stirred within him like hot coals on a cold, starry night.

Luke opened the next letter and the one after that. Each one offered a timeline and the story of an unknown daughter growing up in a world without him. Pictures came with the words. Snapshots of Chrissy as a child on a swing, then a young girl doing gymnastics, and then a teenager.

Chrissy looked like Luke, a narrow face with hazel eyes. He paused over the picture of her wearing too much eye shadow and lipstick. A lost teen.

The last letter explained the desperation. "Please call! Please help me find her. She quit school, she's runaway, and she's connected to a drug dealer. You may be the only one who would do what it takes to bring her back. You know how to be a detective. I still recall your promise so long ago, as if it were yesterday. Please, please! I'm begging you. Help me find my daughter. Help me find our daughter."

Tears broke like a dam. He wept out loud. Bugsy, his bulldog looked worried.

But it was true, Luke more than anyone needed to help Suzie find their daughter. His chest tightened. A burning resolve swept through him, stronger than the liquor.

He was a man on fire.