Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "A Hidden Life"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
9 total reviews
Comment from GregoryCody
Fantastic job!
Luke is a really believable character. You're dialogue is not forced, totally natural.
You have a natural storytellers voice. I was pulled in and I've never read this before. THAT'S a hard feat!
I wish I could go through this line by line. Great descriptions too.
Well done and well deserved!
I want to bump this to a six overall like your others.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Fantastic job!
Luke is a really believable character. You're dialogue is not forced, totally natural.
You have a natural storytellers voice. I was pulled in and I've never read this before. THAT'S a hard feat!
I wish I could go through this line by line. Great descriptions too.
Well done and well deserved!
I want to bump this to a six overall like your others.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2021
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Humbly grateful. I've been around this site for several years. I think I'm ready for the museum. But I love to meet new voices I haven't heard. It reinvigorates me. Blessings between the bookends!
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
This is an excellent chapter. It reenergizes Luke back to what he is good at, being a detective. With an emotional motive stirring him he will be able to set his present problems aside, temporarily, while he begins a new case.
Ralf
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2021
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This is an excellent chapter. It reenergizes Luke back to what he is good at, being a detective. With an emotional motive stirring him he will be able to set his present problems aside, temporarily, while he begins a new case.
Ralf
Comment Written 23-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2021
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Thanks so much. I'm so happy you mentioned his experience about to come into play. Hence the title: A Leave of Absence. He has the time and the desire to seek for a lost daughter.
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
This is an excellent chapter. It reenergizes Luke back to what he is good at, being a detective. With an emotional motive stirring him he will be able to set his present problems aside, temporarily, while he begins a new case.
Ralf
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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This is an excellent chapter. It reenergizes Luke back to what he is good at, being a detective. With an emotional motive stirring him he will be able to set his present problems aside, temporarily, while he begins a new case.
Ralf
Comment Written 23-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2021
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Thanks!
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
My, my this was different. And so many emotions over such a period of time a space. Kudos!
Notes:
1.)
up the nerve and Chrissy was two years old, you had gotten married. I figured it would ruin your life."
--> what a brave girl. Ready to face a scene she knows will break her but determined to do so
2.) "What are you doing?" she asked."
-- new speaker = new paragraph. Generally--and this would stand out more effectively??
3.) Suzie was the cutest tomboy he'd ever me
4.) I would love more deets on how they did just exactly. Smoking cattails sounds insane - seems like you'll have to roll em in something corn silks, maybe??
It is a really crazy look back. Great job. Thank you!
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Stan,
My, my this was different. And so many emotions over such a period of time a space. Kudos!
Notes:
1.)
up the nerve and Chrissy was two years old, you had gotten married. I figured it would ruin your life."
--> what a brave girl. Ready to face a scene she knows will break her but determined to do so
2.) "What are you doing?" she asked."
-- new speaker = new paragraph. Generally--and this would stand out more effectively??
3.) Suzie was the cutest tomboy he'd ever me
4.) I would love more deets on how they did just exactly. Smoking cattails sounds insane - seems like you'll have to roll em in something corn silks, maybe??
It is a really crazy look back. Great job. Thank you!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2021
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
You have a skill, as demonstrated in this chapter, that you are able to write with descriptive narrative without "over writing." This is well written as you put another rising action, with its tension, into the story.
I find your stories interesting and easy to read.
Robert
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Hello Stan.
You have a skill, as demonstrated in this chapter, that you are able to write with descriptive narrative without "over writing." This is well written as you put another rising action, with its tension, into the story.
I find your stories interesting and easy to read.
Robert
Comment Written 19-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thanks Robert!
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You're welcome Stan.
Robert
Comment from BethShelby
What a dilemma. There are suddenly two women in his life and he has loved both of them. He has lost a daughter to accident and suddenly learned he has another daughter but she is also lost. I can't imagine how this can be solved without someone getting hurt. I'm looking forward to learning how this will work out.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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What a dilemma. There are suddenly two women in his life and he has loved both of them. He has lost a daughter to accident and suddenly learned he has another daughter but she is also lost. I can't imagine how this can be solved without someone getting hurt. I'm looking forward to learning how this will work out.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Beth, words can't express how much I appreciate how you remember the beginning story and I'm adding a new layer. Thanks!
Comment from royowen
This is a familiar story, I have many nostalgic memories from a chequered past, so relate to this very much, but I can certainly understand Luke being most keen to find the missing daughter. As usual, you write a superb story of emotionally charged story, with may fine moments, well done my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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This is a familiar story, I have many nostalgic memories from a chequered past, so relate to this very much, but I can certainly understand Luke being most keen to find the missing daughter. As usual, you write a superb story of emotionally charged story, with may fine moments, well done my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 19-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thanks so much Roy. I always look forward to your words of review or poetry.
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Most welcome
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow! I'm really impressed. You have quite a knack for drawing in the reader to the protagonist's past through the use of letters from a teen lover. I feel invested in Luke's future endeavor to find and rescue his daughter from a life of drugs and let that act bring him back to his first Love, his daughter's mother. You've got the makings for a great novel, here.
I would lay in bed and dream [The verb form should be "lie", but to be true to the integrity of the dialogue, it wouldn't be necessary to change it. I'm just drawing it to your attention.]
Then, myself esteem was in the toilet, [Same as above: Correct would be: "Then, my self-esteem was in the toilet." But the way you have it would likely be the syntax of a sixteen-year-old.]
He was free now but kneecapped [What does kneecapped mean? I could understand pinballed from the previous sentence, but the only thing I could think of, here, was to be hit in the kneecap.]
"when I get my badge someday and you need me, I'll be there." [Need to capitalize "When..."]
Great job on a compelling chapter in your novel. I won't hesitate to read more of this novel in the future.
Jay
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Wow! I'm really impressed. You have quite a knack for drawing in the reader to the protagonist's past through the use of letters from a teen lover. I feel invested in Luke's future endeavor to find and rescue his daughter from a life of drugs and let that act bring him back to his first Love, his daughter's mother. You've got the makings for a great novel, here.
I would lay in bed and dream [The verb form should be "lie", but to be true to the integrity of the dialogue, it wouldn't be necessary to change it. I'm just drawing it to your attention.]
Then, myself esteem was in the toilet, [Same as above: Correct would be: "Then, my self-esteem was in the toilet." But the way you have it would likely be the syntax of a sixteen-year-old.]
He was free now but kneecapped [What does kneecapped mean? I could understand pinballed from the previous sentence, but the only thing I could think of, here, was to be hit in the kneecap.]
"when I get my badge someday and you need me, I'll be there." [Need to capitalize "When..."]
Great job on a compelling chapter in your novel. I won't hesitate to read more of this novel in the future.
Jay
Comment Written 18-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thanks Jay. I appreciate it. Humbly happy to have someone of your caliber offer this encouraging review.
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I blush. Thanks!
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I can tell this might be part true story because I can feel true emotion in the writing. You did well. I enjoy the reading. I hope Luke will find this daughter and get back with Susie again since he was divorsed.
Well done.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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I can tell this might be part true story because I can feel true emotion in the writing. You did well. I enjoy the reading. I hope Luke will find this daughter and get back with Susie again since he was divorsed.
Well done.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2021
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Thanks Lisa! I appreciate your encouraging review.
