Comment from Kalimba Fire

Excellent

Okay, once I hooked into the rhythm of the writing, I was sold. I'm intrigued to read more. Since this is the Prologue, my guess is more will be posted in the future. Looking forward to it.

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

Thank you for the review.

The episode is an hour long and will be broken down into short segments.

The next part will be posted soon.

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Exceptional

Excellent. The narration and dialogue are perfect. I can see everything that is going on and everyone's emotions. I never liked scripts until I started writing them. Now I'm hooked.

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

Thank you for the review and kind words. I will be posting more soon.

Comment from Natali Holden

Excellent

"JAY
(into phone)
Hugo[,] It's Jay. We need a new girl." Needs comma. Macsween, you're rocking these scripts! Not many people do them, or at least are ranked, so if you write and post consistently, I'm sure you'll move up pretty fast. Another thing though, I'm pretty sure the talking doesn't need to be centered. I really like your idea. If I had just read this, I might be a bit confused, but it seems to be similar to 'Interview Not Required', and so I understand more about the seemingly antagonists and young women. You're dragging me into this story. I can't wait for more! Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2017

Thanks for the kind words.

Interview not req was based on the teaser of a script I'm writing for the UK market.

I've continued it with this post, but will be making a few changes.

The next part will be posted soon.

Thank you for your time.

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

A gripping scene. Very cinematic--as is appropriate.

I admit, I don't read scripts very often. I guess I just prefer the 'flow' of prose. When I read scripts, I feel like I'm reading prose with a stutter. My problem, not yours.

I think you might have missed a bit on the cop's vernacular. Didn't sound Southwest to my ear.

Also, I wonder if you need (or if a director, or producer would appreciate) the nuanced stage direction? Just a thought.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017

Thanks for reading and commenting. You'r right, I'm not too familiar with the South Western vernacular. This script is based on one I've written which is set in the UK- London and Glasgow mostly- where I have spent all my life. I've written this one in America as most of the people on here are from there. If I'd posted it the way I've written it, London Cockney and Scots dialect, I'd have to write a glossary of terms and I don't think it would be enjoyable for people who aren't familiar with that way of speaking.

I'm not looking to get this made. I'm getting into script writing and am just trying stuff out.

Your comments are, as always, very much appreciated.

Thanks

Al

Comment from pome lover

Excellent

well...
what can I say? Okay, you conveyed the terror and horror well. The reader (me) knew what was going to happen (or thought I did) but hoped it wouldn't. (It did)
You built the tension well. Realistic dialogue.
From the title I'm thinking that there must be more of this kind of occurrence in your book, which, by the way, reads like a play.
Anyway, good job.
pome lover

 Comment Written 29-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017

Thanks for taking time to read and review. I very much appreciate it.

Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens

Excellent

yes, I could see the action, intrigue and fright as this scene unfolds. The cop had to do his duty. He had to get stabbed and the young woman had to be suffocated. Predictable but well written and a bit hair-raising as well. The elements of a good thriller.
:-) Carolyn

 Comment Written 29-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017

Thanks for reading and reviewing. Much appreciated.

Comment from F. Wehr3

Excellent

Nice work on this script. Very tension filled and good action sequence. There was only one thing that made me pause. a beat? I wasn't sure what it referred to.

Based on this I would read more.

Good luck with your project,
Russell

 Comment Written 29-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017

Thanks for your time and feedback. I use the beat just represent a longer pause, a realization or a point of reference in the script.

I'll be posting more of this soon.

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

This is a very nice opener. Reads very well for a script/screen play. Nice tension evoked.

I mean't just me and the kids. - meant.

She's dropped to the floor beside Cop - beside the Cop?

jay takes a mobile phone - Jay.

 Comment Written 29-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017

Thank you for taking time to read and review. I very much appreciated.

Comment from Possummagic

Excellent

I really enjoyed this piece of work. I've only ever written one script and I don't know that I'm too good at it but I'll keep trying. Poor girl died easily. It's frightening to think that a large hand over a small mouth and nose can be so deadly! Well written.PM

 Comment Written 28-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017

Thank you for taking time to read and review. Much appreciated.

reply by Possummagic on 29-Aug-2017

You are welcome.

Comment from frierajac

Excellent

interesting the way you build suspense with the repetition of the
INT and the rest. I don't do scripting and violenceonly interests me
in gory fairy tales. However, the idea of a beat to show space in dialogue is instructive.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 28-Aug-2017

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reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017

Thank you for taking time to read and review. Much appreciated.