Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Prologue "Synopsis"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
30 total reviews
Comment from pbroussard209
This is a great start to a Synopsis, I am no expert but I have learned a few rules to writing them.
(1) Do not mention more than three Characters names, You could easily delete -Alice, the dog Morgan, Billy Joe and Mary Pat, James Bradley Bookman, and maybe even Nala. Use their titles instead, like friends, maid, dog, Bookman's wife and son.
(2) Main Characters in all Capital letter the first time you mention them.
(3) Keep it present tense.
Okay this is the part I hated when it was done to me, but it really helped and made me rethink what I had written and how I could change it. You have had a book published already so you probably know more than I do.
I didn't read the whole book but the part that seemed to really stand out for me was when Paige and Cash met Nala's family, and the pie.
The Corporal's ghost remains by her side throughout the entire delivery. (Okay then what happens to him? Did he stick around and watch over the house, his family? You don't mention him again until the end of the synopsis.
She immediately meets Cash Wilkins, who had been hired by her aunt, to restore the mansion (to Gothic Revival authenticity. ) - not important to the agent at this time.
Nala, the African American maid, and Cash introduce Paige to Billy Joe and his wife, Mary Pat. They all become immediate friends. Cash attempts to assimilate Paige to Southern living. One occasion he takes her fishing, and instead of catching fish Paige finds and adopts a stray puppy, Morgan.
maybe a rewording it a little. This is my sorry attempt:
Cash with the help of Paige's maid, attempts to assimilate Paige into Southern Living. Before she knows it, she has made a new life for herself with new friends and even a new puppy. Little did she know that trouble was brewing, waiting to destroy everything she has found in her new life.
The mansion is burglarized numerous times and it becomes clear somebody wants the rumored hidden treasure and Paige evicted from the house. Paige's four new friends fear for, not only her safety, but Nala's. - This is the first time you have motioned the rumored treasure, and the ghost, this is a important part of the story but you don't mention it until the forth paragraph. You may want to try and incorporate it into an earlier paragraph.
It surprises Paige to discover sixty years after the beginning of the Civil Rights Movement her friendship with Nala causes her hardship. - this is kind of thrown in as a afterthought, it has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. I think I would just leave it out.
I hope this helps a little.
Trish
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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This is a great start to a Synopsis, I am no expert but I have learned a few rules to writing them.
(1) Do not mention more than three Characters names, You could easily delete -Alice, the dog Morgan, Billy Joe and Mary Pat, James Bradley Bookman, and maybe even Nala. Use their titles instead, like friends, maid, dog, Bookman's wife and son.
(2) Main Characters in all Capital letter the first time you mention them.
(3) Keep it present tense.
Okay this is the part I hated when it was done to me, but it really helped and made me rethink what I had written and how I could change it. You have had a book published already so you probably know more than I do.
I didn't read the whole book but the part that seemed to really stand out for me was when Paige and Cash met Nala's family, and the pie.
The Corporal's ghost remains by her side throughout the entire delivery. (Okay then what happens to him? Did he stick around and watch over the house, his family? You don't mention him again until the end of the synopsis.
She immediately meets Cash Wilkins, who had been hired by her aunt, to restore the mansion (to Gothic Revival authenticity. ) - not important to the agent at this time.
Nala, the African American maid, and Cash introduce Paige to Billy Joe and his wife, Mary Pat. They all become immediate friends. Cash attempts to assimilate Paige to Southern living. One occasion he takes her fishing, and instead of catching fish Paige finds and adopts a stray puppy, Morgan.
maybe a rewording it a little. This is my sorry attempt:
Cash with the help of Paige's maid, attempts to assimilate Paige into Southern Living. Before she knows it, she has made a new life for herself with new friends and even a new puppy. Little did she know that trouble was brewing, waiting to destroy everything she has found in her new life.
The mansion is burglarized numerous times and it becomes clear somebody wants the rumored hidden treasure and Paige evicted from the house. Paige's four new friends fear for, not only her safety, but Nala's. - This is the first time you have motioned the rumored treasure, and the ghost, this is a important part of the story but you don't mention it until the forth paragraph. You may want to try and incorporate it into an earlier paragraph.
It surprises Paige to discover sixty years after the beginning of the Civil Rights Movement her friendship with Nala causes her hardship. - this is kind of thrown in as a afterthought, it has nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. I think I would just leave it out.
I hope this helps a little.
Trish
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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I will do more research on synopsis. Thank you.
Comment from royowen
I think ghost stories are great, it opens up so many possibilities on so many levels. Alexis leech has a ghost in her "let's talk dirty" series and it adds so much to the storyline, so go for it. I'm Australian, so apart from visiting Civil War sites in 2013, I have little knowledge of the intimate circumstances of the war! but well done, I'll still enjoy your story, Roy.
Typo: in your opening, only child is sufficient. First and...is a little superfluous.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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I think ghost stories are great, it opens up so many possibilities on so many levels. Alexis leech has a ghost in her "let's talk dirty" series and it adds so much to the storyline, so go for it. I'm Australian, so apart from visiting Civil War sites in 2013, I have little knowledge of the intimate circumstances of the war! but well done, I'll still enjoy your story, Roy.
Typo: in your opening, only child is sufficient. First and...is a little superfluous.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thank you for pointing that out. I need to reduce words anyway. DUH!! Why didn't I think of that.
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Most welcome.
Comment from elgone
Maybe mention the relationship of the ghost to Paige in more clear detail - her great grandfather or something like that. Otherwise, I think it sounds pretty good,
E
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Maybe mention the relationship of the ghost to Paige in more clear detail - her great grandfather or something like that. Otherwise, I think it sounds pretty good,
E
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the kind review. The ghost is not any relationship to Paige. Paige isn't a blood relative to any of the Bookman's only by marriage.
Comment from Curly Girly
I think you have written this synopsis well. Here are my suggestions:
One occasion he takes
On one occasion he takes
and instead of catching fish Paige finds and adopts
and instead of catching fish[,] Paige finds and adopts
Paige's four new friends fear for, not only her safety, but Nala's.
Paige's four new friends fear for her and Nala's safety.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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I think you have written this synopsis well. Here are my suggestions:
One occasion he takes
On one occasion he takes
and instead of catching fish Paige finds and adopts
and instead of catching fish[,] Paige finds and adopts
Paige's four new friends fear for, not only her safety, but Nala's.
Paige's four new friends fear for her and Nala's safety.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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I will make those changes, thank you for the help.I underst
Comment from Sis Cat
An engaging read that made me wonder what was hidden in the house.
Some of the details I found confusing. You state, "On September 20, 1863, Confederate soldier Corporal BRADLEY BOOKMAN is killed during a battle at Chickamauga." Then later in the paragraph you write, "Bradley remains by her side during the delivery." I wonder, "Is Bradley dead or not? Is that his ghost by his wife's side because you just told me he is dead?" I found this confusing.
Also, despite your intro--"Savannah Love begins in 1863 during the Civil War and ends with PAIGE SWANSON agreeing to marry CASH WIKINS in 2015."--I am unclear when this story occurs. The paragraph on Bookman's death states the Civil War. I assumed the next paragraph on Paige also occurred during the Civil War. It took several readings to realize that the events with Paige and Wikins occurred today. What is needed is the phrase, "One-hundred-and-fifty years later, Paige, an heiress from Boston, inherits the Bookman antebellum mansion from her aunt." This will clear up the time jump for the reader.
If the maid, Nala, is African American, you should state this.
I am unsure whether or not the Bradley who befriends Paige and reveals the hidden treasure is the same Bradley who was killed in the Civil War, his ghost, or his son James Bradley Bookman. If it is his son, what is he doing living a century and a half after the Civil War? Once again, the time period is unclear. If this is a Southern Gothic ghost story, you should state it.
I have written only a couple of synopses for screenplays and short stories. What usually draws me into a story is not only a secret but also, more importantly, the characters. You list the characters without giving me a feel for the characters or the mood and tone of your book. If this synopsis was on the back of your book jacket, I may not open the book to read.
The writing of your synopsis should mirror the writing of your book. The synopsis gives an editor a feel for your style. You are not only selling characters, plot, and mood, but your writing.
From what I have read of your work, you are an excellent writer. That needs to show in your synopsis. You are capable and talented to achieve this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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An engaging read that made me wonder what was hidden in the house.
Some of the details I found confusing. You state, "On September 20, 1863, Confederate soldier Corporal BRADLEY BOOKMAN is killed during a battle at Chickamauga." Then later in the paragraph you write, "Bradley remains by her side during the delivery." I wonder, "Is Bradley dead or not? Is that his ghost by his wife's side because you just told me he is dead?" I found this confusing.
Also, despite your intro--"Savannah Love begins in 1863 during the Civil War and ends with PAIGE SWANSON agreeing to marry CASH WIKINS in 2015."--I am unclear when this story occurs. The paragraph on Bookman's death states the Civil War. I assumed the next paragraph on Paige also occurred during the Civil War. It took several readings to realize that the events with Paige and Wikins occurred today. What is needed is the phrase, "One-hundred-and-fifty years later, Paige, an heiress from Boston, inherits the Bookman antebellum mansion from her aunt." This will clear up the time jump for the reader.
If the maid, Nala, is African American, you should state this.
I am unsure whether or not the Bradley who befriends Paige and reveals the hidden treasure is the same Bradley who was killed in the Civil War, his ghost, or his son James Bradley Bookman. If it is his son, what is he doing living a century and a half after the Civil War? Once again, the time period is unclear. If this is a Southern Gothic ghost story, you should state it.
I have written only a couple of synopses for screenplays and short stories. What usually draws me into a story is not only a secret but also, more importantly, the characters. You list the characters without giving me a feel for the characters or the mood and tone of your book. If this synopsis was on the back of your book jacket, I may not open the book to read.
The writing of your synopsis should mirror the writing of your book. The synopsis gives an editor a feel for your style. You are not only selling characters, plot, and mood, but your writing.
From what I have read of your work, you are an excellent writer. That needs to show in your synopsis. You are capable and talented to achieve this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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I understand what you're saying and I have made changes since you read. My largest problem is the word restraint. I have to do all of this within 200 - 300 words. Thank you and I will see what I can do.
Comment from Tootsie55
Hey mate, your old fan Geoff (sankey)coming in on Louise's account. Louise never had this account back when I was reading this book. So glad to see this synopsis. can't see why the publishers would not love this book. I did very much. Funny you bringing this up just after we talked about it other day hehe. I wish you all the luck in the world. Bring it out as an e-book I will buy that.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Hey mate, your old fan Geoff (sankey)coming in on Louise's account. Louise never had this account back when I was reading this book. So glad to see this synopsis. can't see why the publishers would not love this book. I did very much. Funny you bringing this up just after we talked about it other day hehe. I wish you all the luck in the world. Bring it out as an e-book I will buy that.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from judiverse
Best of luck with getting your novel published. You did a great job with the historical background in it. Your prologue does a great job of establishing the characters and the conflicts readers may expect in the story. I'm not offering advice but a suggestion. Maybe you could consider beginning with modern day and then have the past (the Bookman story) revealed as Paige explores the house's history. I say not to worry about showing the picture of the Confederate flag. Part of the past that you're dealing with in the story. judi
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Best of luck with getting your novel published. You did a great job with the historical background in it. Your prologue does a great job of establishing the characters and the conflicts readers may expect in the story. I'm not offering advice but a suggestion. Maybe you could consider beginning with modern day and then have the past (the Bookman story) revealed as Paige explores the house's history. I say not to worry about showing the picture of the Confederate flag. Part of the past that you're dealing with in the story. judi
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thank you and I will explore that. I was also wondering any idea about a hook for this story.
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You're very welcome. I'd say that something relating to the ghost would be the hook. The idea of the ghost would draw readers in. judi
Comment from rtobaygo
Hello, again.
Absolutely no questions regarding the Corporal's presence. Just enough information on the major characters to create interest and on how they will be an integral in the novel
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Hello, again.
Absolutely no questions regarding the Corporal's presence. Just enough information on the major characters to create interest and on how they will be an integral in the novel
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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PLEASE !!! Reread this. I have made numerous changes probably as you were reading. Please let me know if this one is any better. I would really appreciate it.
Comment from Jay Squires
Barbara, this was posted some time ago, wasn't it. I don't really remember it ... unless it was the one that ended in a mine that had collapsed, in which I only got into it when it was winding down to a finish.
Considering myself as new to the novel, as an editor would be, might have its advantages.
As I read through this synopsis, the one thing I'm struck by is that you don't mention that Bradley's spirit has lived on into the present. I'm assuming that's the case. I believe that omission figures into my confusion of the very first paragraph:
at exactly the same time. Bradley remains by her side during the delivery. [Barbara, this sounds very much like Corporal Bradley Bookman dead from his wounds in a Civil War battle, was lying beside his wife the very moment he was killed and the baby was born. I'm really sorry, but what am I missing?]
They all became immediate friends. [Must maintain the present tense.]
Again, the biggest problem is somehow to let the reader know there is some paranormal stuff going on here.
************************************************************
You've taken care of the birthing scene admirably. I only have a problem now with, "Secondly, he doesn't believe ghosts exist." Other than the birthing scene ghost there was no other mention of ghosts when Cash's internal battle is mentioned. Somewhere before this I think you should mention Bradley's constant connection with the house and perhaps who he is seen by.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Barbara, this was posted some time ago, wasn't it. I don't really remember it ... unless it was the one that ended in a mine that had collapsed, in which I only got into it when it was winding down to a finish.
Considering myself as new to the novel, as an editor would be, might have its advantages.
As I read through this synopsis, the one thing I'm struck by is that you don't mention that Bradley's spirit has lived on into the present. I'm assuming that's the case. I believe that omission figures into my confusion of the very first paragraph:
at exactly the same time. Bradley remains by her side during the delivery. [Barbara, this sounds very much like Corporal Bradley Bookman dead from his wounds in a Civil War battle, was lying beside his wife the very moment he was killed and the baby was born. I'm really sorry, but what am I missing?]
They all became immediate friends. [Must maintain the present tense.]
Again, the biggest problem is somehow to let the reader know there is some paranormal stuff going on here.
************************************************************
You've taken care of the birthing scene admirably. I only have a problem now with, "Secondly, he doesn't believe ghosts exist." Other than the birthing scene ghost there was no other mention of ghosts when Cash's internal battle is mentioned. Somewhere before this I think you should mention Bradley's constant connection with the house and perhaps who he is seen by.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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I have made those changes. Many of the reviewers have commented on that. I am correcting it so it reads better, I hope. If you get a chance please reread and let me know.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very good synopsis from my point of view. I didn't read all the chapters but I loved what I did read. I'm not going to be able to help you with what you need. I'm sure it will be published. Have a blessed day. Shirley
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Very good synopsis from my point of view. I didn't read all the chapters but I loved what I did read. I'm not going to be able to help you with what you need. I'm sure it will be published. Have a blessed day. Shirley
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the kind review.
