The Clown's Masquerade
minute poem16 total reviews
Comment from ravenblack
Pages upon stages- stages of development as human beings and writers and stages as acknowledgement that all art is a performance, the wearing of a mask, in this case clown paint, the holy fool or sacred clown. Thanks for giving the form depth. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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Pages upon stages- stages of development as human beings and writers and stages as acknowledgement that all art is a performance, the wearing of a mask, in this case clown paint, the holy fool or sacred clown. Thanks for giving the form depth. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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Man you got it perfectly. Well, my take anyway. Really thank you for reading. I've been looking for you! Posted anything recently you'd like me to look at? I voted for your Poem btw :) beautiful
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Thank you. If that is your comment on the voted poem, you really made my day as lately I am full of doubt. If you feel like reviewing something, please read my latest, "Totems". Thanks.
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I'm on it!
Also I fixed the poem
Branches split, cracked flash
steals thunder's entrance
Emerald blades jerk
back wild, stirring up
dampen soil, rain knocks
on angry arbor
Storm breaks, tranquil trance
soothes empty meadow
Crickets slide music
for birds' zigzag twirls
Nature inhales life...
serenity breathes
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Greg. Outstsanding poetry here. It deserves a six which I am out of right now. so sorry. The entire poem is well written, flows beautifully and ism very inspirational, I thought. Blessings. How is that new baby doing? Bob
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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Hi, Greg. Outstsanding poetry here. It deserves a six which I am out of right now. so sorry. The entire poem is well written, flows beautifully and ism very inspirational, I thought. Blessings. How is that new baby doing? Bob
Comment Written 24-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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hey man! Thank you for that :)
Have you posted your next chapter? I haven't seen it in my inbox?
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Hi, Greg. Nah, I've been real slow with this last one....doing summertime kickback....you know? LOL...I will be posting this sunday, the 27th I believe. See you then? Take care. Bob
Comment from tfawcus
Clever use of enjambment in this to arrest the reader and lend emphasis to the word(s) on the following line (eg facades, clip). The 'clip' incidentally harks back to the initial 'dip' giving a sense of completeness to the poem. I very much liked the first line, "Dip with me to depths eternal" - it is beautifully phrased. This is a Minute poem that stretches the form superbly. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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Clever use of enjambment in this to arrest the reader and lend emphasis to the word(s) on the following line (eg facades, clip). The 'clip' incidentally harks back to the initial 'dip' giving a sense of completeness to the poem. I very much liked the first line, "Dip with me to depths eternal" - it is beautifully phrased. This is a Minute poem that stretches the form superbly. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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I didn't even see that with Dip and Clip. Thank you! Your compliments are Great! Truly truly thank you...
I'm really glad you were able to read it! :)
Comment from Treischel
A powerfully dramatic poetic portrait of deception as the true person behind the mask is hidden by a pleasant facade. The minute poem formate is deftly crafted to set to tone and mood. Very well done.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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A powerfully dramatic poetic portrait of deception as the true person behind the mask is hidden by a pleasant facade. The minute poem formate is deftly crafted to set to tone and mood. Very well done.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Oh thank you my friend! Im lucky, there was not an iambic requirement. Hey, may I ask...
Iamb
Is brother mad at man
What is the better way to put that so that I can see better examples of da and DUM.
I was taught, well my understanding, that only those small words like; a, the, and, my, etc. could be da. But I see you do it differently. What constitutes the da?
If you have time of course!
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We both feel like we're in a Trans
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Hmm, so "like" and "in" are DUMs. I didn't know that was possible. Okay thank you..
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Sorry Greg. My computer went ka bluesy and pasted something in totally from some other place. Disregard. Il answer it tomorrow. Right now I'm off to bed.
Comment from Nosha17
I think the clown who wears a mask often conceals many things behind his mask. Vivid imagery and good use of rhyming to convey your thoughts. Excellent illustration-Goo luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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I think the clown who wears a mask often conceals many things behind his mask. Vivid imagery and good use of rhyming to convey your thoughts. Excellent illustration-Goo luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Thanks so much Nosha. I agree.
Comment from lightink
Excellent! Very smooth flow, clear rhythm! I can see the murkiness of the human soul and the opaque matrix of creation in your poetry! It speaks to my heart in a very primal way that's hard to put into words. Speechless!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Excellent! Very smooth flow, clear rhythm! I can see the murkiness of the human soul and the opaque matrix of creation in your poetry! It speaks to my heart in a very primal way that's hard to put into words. Speechless!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Oh wow. You've made my morning! :)
What an incredible review. Thank you so very much, truly. It means a Huge amount to me.
Comment from rama devi
Great to see you posting Gregory. I visited here for a few days and had been hoping to see a new post from you! Just came to follow up with replies and personal messages and, upon seeing your name in my inbox, could not help but review, though I was not planning on reviewing here today at all. Glad I came to "dip with you in depths eternal!"
Rhyming eternal and journal is super genius! Bravo!
Rounds and clowns makes a superb slant rhyme as well (I hope the contest judges accept near rhymes).
Superb alliteration of C in the last stanza. The flow is a bit choppy, though. I am unsure if the second and third lines are meant to use enjambment or not. Your lower case letters suggest it, but I think it would be more effective with new sentences. May I suggest some changes for smoother read (according to how I 'hear' this read aloud, which, alas, may be inaccurate to how you intended it):
Climb fathoms, crack placid sea crust
Reach far--you must
Clip heavy soul
Give Him control
If you don't like the dramatic pause with the dash, a comma would work:
Reach far, you must
Another interpretation could be:
Reach far. You must
clip heavy soul--
give Him control
I like this one, as it avoids the forced feeling of reverse syntax in line two that way. However, so many people like the device of reverse syntax, so that's a matter of taste.
This line is super potent, eloquent and original:
Climb fathoms, crack placid sea crust
This leans toward a six for a most original and meaningful Minute poem (true to form) and with such inventive rhymes included. However, I think it could use a tweak or two to reach its peak.
I always admire the intensity of your poetic voice. How's your book sales? I recommend you also send submissions to journals dealing with depression, etc.
You're meant to be published, I think.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Great to see you posting Gregory. I visited here for a few days and had been hoping to see a new post from you! Just came to follow up with replies and personal messages and, upon seeing your name in my inbox, could not help but review, though I was not planning on reviewing here today at all. Glad I came to "dip with you in depths eternal!"
Rhyming eternal and journal is super genius! Bravo!
Rounds and clowns makes a superb slant rhyme as well (I hope the contest judges accept near rhymes).
Superb alliteration of C in the last stanza. The flow is a bit choppy, though. I am unsure if the second and third lines are meant to use enjambment or not. Your lower case letters suggest it, but I think it would be more effective with new sentences. May I suggest some changes for smoother read (according to how I 'hear' this read aloud, which, alas, may be inaccurate to how you intended it):
Climb fathoms, crack placid sea crust
Reach far--you must
Clip heavy soul
Give Him control
If you don't like the dramatic pause with the dash, a comma would work:
Reach far, you must
Another interpretation could be:
Reach far. You must
clip heavy soul--
give Him control
I like this one, as it avoids the forced feeling of reverse syntax in line two that way. However, so many people like the device of reverse syntax, so that's a matter of taste.
This line is super potent, eloquent and original:
Climb fathoms, crack placid sea crust
This leans toward a six for a most original and meaningful Minute poem (true to form) and with such inventive rhymes included. However, I think it could use a tweak or two to reach its peak.
I always admire the intensity of your poetic voice. How's your book sales? I recommend you also send submissions to journals dealing with depression, etc.
You're meant to be published, I think.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Wow Rama. I'm so happy to see you! This is a stellar review. Thank you truly. Ugh I don't have any nominations left. The next one is yours.
So, that last part. I'm going to change it now. I really like that last suggestion. It's great.
And almost a six? That's Great. That means I'm Close! I'll go rework the way you suggested. I love it.
And I'm still a little nervous but I'm going to start submitting again soon. I entered the Rattle Poetry contest. I entered A Reason to Stand on my page. Really, I meant this, no need to review. I'm just curious if you think it's any good. I already submitted it unfortunately. But I did submit three other ones we worked on.
Anyway, yes that started me I think. I'm going to start submitting.
And I've become friends with I Am Cat. She really respects your opinion btw. I told her all about you too ;)
Truly thank you so so much.
Love, Greg
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Thanks for your gracious response and update, my friend...and for recommending me to I Am Cat...we've hit it off spectacularly and I'll be working with her too, which I look forward to. I also look forward to reading A Reason to Stand. On my way!
Keep submitting...enthusiastically..but do not get dejected if you don't win or place in the contest....thousands of entries...and many of them will be win-worthy, including yours, but it ultimately depends on the taste of the judges.
Love,
rd
Comment from Megalips
You're a deep poet, Greg. First of all, I like the aesthetics...like Dean, I'm a fan of black and white pics and I like how you incorporated your poem into the picture. Next, I like the alliteration. "Dip with me to Depths". Your rhyme works well and I like the idea of the metaphorical masquerade and "parade of clowns". I'm sure you are familiar with Nat Merchant's song, "Carnival"....reminds me of that...and I love that song. Your final line, "Give Him control" is to suggest we give God control of our lives. I cannot hope to understand the depth of what you have here, but in my little mind I see myself walking thru the 'daily carnival' of life, meeting and greeting people with their 'fake' faces (and extending my own)...the world is a 'play'...a script...a movie. There is a lack of genuineness. God is genuine...be who you are, and allow him to be your protection (rather than wearing the mask). Great Poem. Good luck on the contest, Greg!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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You're a deep poet, Greg. First of all, I like the aesthetics...like Dean, I'm a fan of black and white pics and I like how you incorporated your poem into the picture. Next, I like the alliteration. "Dip with me to Depths". Your rhyme works well and I like the idea of the metaphorical masquerade and "parade of clowns". I'm sure you are familiar with Nat Merchant's song, "Carnival"....reminds me of that...and I love that song. Your final line, "Give Him control" is to suggest we give God control of our lives. I cannot hope to understand the depth of what you have here, but in my little mind I see myself walking thru the 'daily carnival' of life, meeting and greeting people with their 'fake' faces (and extending my own)...the world is a 'play'...a script...a movie. There is a lack of genuineness. God is genuine...be who you are, and allow him to be your protection (rather than wearing the mask). Great Poem. Good luck on the contest, Greg!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Wow. I mean you got it Spot On! Really. That's exactly what I meant, you summed it up perfectly. Truly thank you so much. Yes I believe God is in control. Sometimes it's hard to see, if you're in pain, but I believe it's there. Thank you again, so much.
Comment from visionary1234
Oooooooh this is one of your most interesting ones Greg! Love it! Especially:
Climb fathoms (how contradictory!), crack placid sea crust (love the staccato 'a' assonance, with the 'k' & 's' alliteration & consonance.
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Oooooooh this is one of your most interesting ones Greg! Love it! Especially:
Climb fathoms (how contradictory!), crack placid sea crust (love the staccato 'a' assonance, with the 'k' & 's' alliteration & consonance.
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Wow. That Really does mean a lot. You don't give these out often. And thank you for teaching me the word staccato. Seriously that's awesome. Thank you.
Comment from kiwijenny
I love the imagery and the idea of cracking the sea crust
I love the art work
But the last line is best
Give Him control
God bless
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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I love the imagery and the idea of cracking the sea crust
I love the art work
But the last line is best
Give Him control
God bless
Comment Written 21-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2015
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Thank you! God bless you as well Jenny
