Comment from Rosalyne

Excellent

Hi, Gretchen.
Great chapter, and well plotted plan. I really like how you've shown the two sides of Rory, one voice of good the other pushing him into trouble. You've described perfectly the way a fifteen-year-old boy would think, especially one with a crush on a girl. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2014

Thank you so much for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

Now that won't solve a thing. The timing will have to be perfect to know when Dean will arrive home from the date. Rory will have to be home before he gets there or Dean will see the car is missing. Rory will not want the evening to end if he is alone with Cassie. Oh boy! This will be a mess. LOL Nancy

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2014

Thank you so much for the wonderful review. Gretchen

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

that's one draw back - drawback
When I close my eyes, - add comma
You express his longing for Cassie effectively
love the passage about the voice of reason as it battles with the evil voice
interesting plan in calling Charla to distract his dad as the evil voice laughs :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2014

Thank you so much for the wonderful review and the help with the spags. Gretchen

Comment from padumachitta

Exceptional

Hi...this says it all...
I can't concentrate on anything else she says, 'cause that damned evil voice is laughing his ass off.

Another well written piece of the saga. I remember reading teen books as a kid,'Ma Darling My Hamburger and That Was The This is Now'...your book has that feel. Really, find yourself a teen publisher and get them out there...
(Ok, I know it is not easy, but these would so help some lonely kids...they helped me, and I was one fu++ed up teen)

padumachitta

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thank you so much for the glowing review. I, too, loved S.E.Hinton and the others who wrote raw and unflinching views of the teenaged life. I had a pretty good teen existence but that doesn't mean it was easy. LOL. Glad you are enjoying these. I am in the process of self publishing the first novel in the French family saga. The 'Shine Baby. Again, thank you so much for the wonderful review and the stellar rating. Gretchen

Comment from Gladness

Excellent

Well, I don't like cussing, but that last line does get the point across.
Found one spag:

But there is a little voice in head blaring out a warning. (in my head)

Another good chapter. This is a good book.
Anita

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thank you so much for the great review. I try to leave out as much cussing as I can, but the ugly fact is, most teenagers cuss like sailors. I guess it's a rite of passage or something. Gretchen

Comment from Misrael

Excellent

Oh honestly that was really funny and I got a lot of laughs out of it. Especially the last sentence or two. I can hardly wait to find out what happens next.. Keep up the good work.

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Glad you found the last line humorous. Gretchen

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

Your story's up to its usual caliber, Gretchen, but since I'm trying to be consistent with my two nits "yardstick" for a deduction, I'll temporarily kidnap one of yours. Let me know when you've made the corrections and I'll reunite your star with you.

See below:

It has got to be love, why else would [a run-on sentence. Consider a semi-colon instead of a comma.]

But there is a little voice in head blaring out [voice in MY? head]

I like your characterization of the evil voice.

I thought he was going to have a double date with his dad and Charla. I was wondering how he was going to get to the party he promised to take Cassie to.

Keep 'em comin'

Jay

************************************************************

Here ya go!

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thanks for spotting those pesky run-ons. When I started the process to self publish The 'Shine Baby, I ran my manuscript through a proofing program and man oh man, did I find out I can conjure up some run-on sentences. I dubbed myself the queen of run-ons. Unfortunately, I still do them. I got the missing word and fixed the run-on. As for Dean, Charla, Rory and Cassie going on a double date...would you have doubled with your dad? LOL Thanks again for the great review. Gretchen

Comment from Sankey

Excellent

Great chapter, naughty as usual, but maybe he will get what he wants for a change huh! O spags very well written thanks again.

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thank you for the great review and the fun look at it. Gretchen

Comment from buzclick

Excellent

The ending seems to be adding up to a filled finish.
More going on in the mind than on the surface. I hope you can handle the kick-back coming? It has the ear-marks of a great story, good luck. You have built it to an overstated amount of suspense.
This one excerpt of the story is too short to grade really.
So I await your next installment.

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thank you so much for the terrific review. Gretchen

Comment from Aramos

Average

This is a good idea. It is good in the execution, but could be much better with some work. The concept is strong and could be adapted into a decent screen play if properly rendered.

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014

Thank you for the great review. Gretchen