Sins of My Father
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Mystery Call"A coming of age story.
15 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This scene is filled with all kinds of emotions that are kept from us to build a concern and curiosity for what's going on with Grandpa. The coyness of the Grandma playing off the importance of the call until adult ears are on the phone, and the dad's slow burn from the conversation to losing patience is nicely staged. You keep the readers wondering and giving us a hint with the release of emotional tension on the wall. The lens of this third person limited perspective really deepens the appreciation of the teen filter we're seeing this story through.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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This scene is filled with all kinds of emotions that are kept from us to build a concern and curiosity for what's going on with Grandpa. The coyness of the Grandma playing off the importance of the call until adult ears are on the phone, and the dad's slow burn from the conversation to losing patience is nicely staged. You keep the readers wondering and giving us a hint with the release of emotional tension on the wall. The lens of this third person limited perspective really deepens the appreciation of the teen filter we're seeing this story through.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review. Your thoughtful comments are much appreciated. Gretchen
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Gretchen.
Sorry for my late response. This chapter is well-done, and shows how the threat of violence is so real. Your description of Rory's feelings is excellent. I like the imagery you used to describe the looming danger and showing Dean unraveling.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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Hi, Gretchen.
Sorry for my late response. This chapter is well-done, and shows how the threat of violence is so real. Your description of Rory's feelings is excellent. I like the imagery you used to describe the looming danger and showing Dean unraveling.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 19-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much for the great review and the comments about the chapter. Never too late to review. LOL. Gretchen
Comment from adewpearl
I spent a few teen years tuning my dad out - that rings so true :-)
When he finally does answer her, - add comma
smoldering eyes, slumping, hitting his fist through the wall - all excellent examples of non-verbal communication that adds to the emotion of spoken conversation
Brooke
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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I spent a few teen years tuning my dad out - that rings so true :-)
When he finally does answer her, - add comma
smoldering eyes, slumping, hitting his fist through the wall - all excellent examples of non-verbal communication that adds to the emotion of spoken conversation
Brooke
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much for the wonderful and personal review. Gretchen
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Read the last two together. Your writing in this story never misses a beat, sounds so natural easy on the eyes and easy to digest.
It's a fun story to follow.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Read the last two together. Your writing in this story never misses a beat, sounds so natural easy on the eyes and easy to digest.
It's a fun story to follow.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you. I wrote the apology for the short chapter specifically for you. LOL. Thanks for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
This chapter shows a warmer relationship between Rory and Dean. That's before the last sentences where dean lowers the boom for Rory to comply with orders.
Descriptions, dealing with characters and dialogue are good throughout.
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I have a question and favor to ask, Gretchen. Have you ever disabled any piece on FanStory and restored it to send to a market or publisher?
I think I found a way with a piece or two, in a round-about way. In my Contact Question with Tom Ens, about sending a disabled piece, he said, "Sorry, FanStory postings won't navigate."
I guess he meant none will travel or be sent to another place.
But one process was that after I restored a piece, I copied, cut and pasted it into the body of an email. I sent this successfully.
But I'm leery about disabling a whole book (my memoirs) and trying this process. I fear losing it--the unthinkable. What do you think?
Don
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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This chapter shows a warmer relationship between Rory and Dean. That's before the last sentences where dean lowers the boom for Rory to comply with orders.
Descriptions, dealing with characters and dialogue are good throughout.
********
I have a question and favor to ask, Gretchen. Have you ever disabled any piece on FanStory and restored it to send to a market or publisher?
I think I found a way with a piece or two, in a round-about way. In my Contact Question with Tom Ens, about sending a disabled piece, he said, "Sorry, FanStory postings won't navigate."
I guess he meant none will travel or be sent to another place.
But one process was that after I restored a piece, I copied, cut and pasted it into the body of an email. I sent this successfully.
But I'm leery about disabling a whole book (my memoirs) and trying this process. I fear losing it--the unthinkable. What do you think?
Don
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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My husband was able to paste and copy from Fanstory to Microsoft, I think. I now have a copy on this site and one which I was able to further edit and change on Microsoft Office. I don't know the details, he's the computer savy one, not me. I'm sure there would be someone who could show you. It can be done. The bonus of Microsoft Office is there is a self edit program that shows you all the sentence fragments and places where you need commas and misspelled words. There were things that got by Fanstory. It's a real wake up call that's for sure. By the time I got through The 'Shine Baby, I had dubbed myself the sentence fragment queen. LOL. Good luck. Thank you for the great review as well. Gretchen
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Thank you so much, Gretchen, for your detailed answer to my request.
I do have Microsoft Office and that shouldbe a plus.
Comment from c_lucas
Anger is never the answer. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Anger is never the answer. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
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You're welcome, Gretchen. Charlie
Comment from Sankey
Good work. Very to the point for sure. Such a lot said in so few words can imagine how it would have been in real life if there was such ha! Thanks again enjoying the story.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Good work. Very to the point for sure. Such a lot said in so few words can imagine how it would have been in real life if there was such ha! Thanks again enjoying the story.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Carole Rosa
GW, As far as feedback goes, I thought it was well written and that we were actually in my fifteen-year-old grandson's bedroom. It reads like a page in his story of life.
Great, now he's gong to volunteer" (I think you mean GOING)
Very nicely done. Carole
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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GW, As far as feedback goes, I thought it was well written and that we were actually in my fifteen-year-old grandson's bedroom. It reads like a page in his story of life.
Great, now he's gong to volunteer" (I think you mean GOING)
Very nicely done. Carole
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Jay Squires
As usual, this is a fine relational chapter. You've always had a knack for the relationships between the characters.
Again, Gretchen, the difference between idiosyncratic dialogue and correct grammar.
In this case, "What do you need Rory and I to do?" is not correct grammar. So, it's a judgment call. No bad.
different between Dad and I. [The same, though this is more narrative. However, it is conversational.
I lay back on the bed [I lie back on the bed >> lie being present tense, lay being past.
looking down into the fiery opening to a volcano. [Great image, Gretchen.
Gretchen, I'm trying to establish some criteria for my reviewing. I've found that I've been giving 4s to others who made grammatical errors such as yours. Our friendship has kept it more loose between us. This month I won the reviewing reward and with it came an outline of some of my problem areas. One was grading too high when there was spag.
Bottom line, I'm giving you a 4, but when you let me know the corrections have been made, I'll raise it to a 5.
I hope you are okay with that. And, I do expect you to do the same thing about my reviews (of course, you don't have to give a star back -- that's my choice.)
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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As usual, this is a fine relational chapter. You've always had a knack for the relationships between the characters.
Again, Gretchen, the difference between idiosyncratic dialogue and correct grammar.
In this case, "What do you need Rory and I to do?" is not correct grammar. So, it's a judgment call. No bad.
different between Dad and I. [The same, though this is more narrative. However, it is conversational.
I lay back on the bed [I lie back on the bed >> lie being present tense, lay being past.
looking down into the fiery opening to a volcano. [Great image, Gretchen.
Gretchen, I'm trying to establish some criteria for my reviewing. I've found that I've been giving 4s to others who made grammatical errors such as yours. Our friendship has kept it more loose between us. This month I won the reviewing reward and with it came an outline of some of my problem areas. One was grading too high when there was spag.
Bottom line, I'm giving you a 4, but when you let me know the corrections have been made, I'll raise it to a 5.
I hope you are okay with that. And, I do expect you to do the same thing about my reviews (of course, you don't have to give a star back -- that's my choice.)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you for pointing out the spags. It's times like these I wished I had payed more attention in English. Oh well. I did go back and change those nits, but don't worry about the star, I am just thankful you pointed them out. As far as incorrect grammar goes in the dialogue, that is just how I hear the character speaking. I usually don't change or correct that. The narrative is different. Congratulations on the win. Are you going to go buy a nice brace for Carpal tunnel with that money? LOL. Thanks again for the wonderfully helpful review. Gretchen
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Hahaha, a brace, yes. I've felt like that from the beginning here. No, I want to make sure you get the star back. That's balm for my conscience. I don't like to deduct from friends, but I'm doing it now for everyone and REALLY expect them to do it for me as well. Just trying for consistency. I do understand that about the dialogue thing.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
You[r] Granddad and I had a real fun time," Grandma Carolyn says. Typo.
I am dying to know what the phone call was all about. It is all very mysterious. The teen years are so hard to get through. No one understands what is going on. I don't remenber being a rebelious girl. I think it was because my sister did such a great job being one.. LOL Live and learn. Well done! Nancy
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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You[r] Granddad and I had a real fun time," Grandma Carolyn says. Typo.
I am dying to know what the phone call was all about. It is all very mysterious. The teen years are so hard to get through. No one understands what is going on. I don't remenber being a rebelious girl. I think it was because my sister did such a great job being one.. LOL Live and learn. Well done! Nancy
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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I wasn't a rebel but I sure did test the limits sometimes. LOL. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
