Sins of My Father
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "37 Seconds of stardom"A coming of age story.
11 total reviews
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
This chapter is a reprieve fro violence. Though there's nothing earth-shaking going on, at least it's more like family, and less quarreling.
It's a little hard for me to keep up with some of your characters.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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This chapter is a reprieve fro violence. Though there's nothing earth-shaking going on, at least it's more like family, and less quarreling.
It's a little hard for me to keep up with some of your characters.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Well, how come? I don't get why they aren't together, did I miss something? It is kind of nice to have read July, I have more of a sense of the team...and the players. So, then I can get into this world...padumachitta
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Hi. Well, how come? I don't get why they aren't together, did I miss something? It is kind of nice to have read July, I have more of a sense of the team...and the players. So, then I can get into this world...padumachitta
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Dean has real trust issues with women. He resents his mother and his sister for leaving him to deal with his abusive father. The only person Dean knows he can depend on is himself. Thank you for reading July and Dean's story is The 'Shine Baby also on my profile. It chronicles Dean's life as a teenager. Anyhow, thank you so much for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Misrael
It looks like maybe things are changing but I won't know for awhile how thing s are going to turn out. I enjoyed the read very much and look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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It looks like maybe things are changing but I won't know for awhile how thing s are going to turn out. I enjoyed the read very much and look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the nice words. Gretchen
Comment from DanielEkine
A writing piece that deserves my commendation in every ramification. A great job.
""Ask your daddy."
"I'm asking both of you," I say.
Dad clears his throat and heaves a big sigh. "Rory, for the love of God, don't you have a filter in our mouth?"
"Answer him, Dean," Charla teases."
Great job.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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A writing piece that deserves my commendation in every ramification. A great job.
""Ask your daddy."
"I'm asking both of you," I say.
Dad clears his throat and heaves a big sigh. "Rory, for the love of God, don't you have a filter in our mouth?"
"Answer him, Dean," Charla teases."
Great job.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the encouraging comments. Gretchen
Comment from marion
Hi - the mere fact I am reviewing is because I like this story, your tone and voice. Love this paragraph -
Charla climbs the steps and hops up on the railing across from my dad. She starts swinging her legs like some little kid. There are times when Charla looks at Dad like she loves him. This is one of those times. I have never understood why nothing has ever developed between those two. She's been around for as long as I can remember. We have pictures of the three of us, his arms wrapped around us. We look like a family, but we're not. Not really, not in the traditional sense of the word. She looks at him like he's superman and he looks at her like she's Lois Lane. But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is there, it isn't there.
It is up to my dad to bring me down (off of could nine). "Way to warm the bench, son," he teases.
(...take me down from cloud nine... )
Grandma Carolyn sees (me) and starts waving wildly at (me), like she hasn't seen (me) in years.
(Too many 'we' try - Grandma Carolyn sees me and starts waving wildly, like she hasn't seen me in years.
But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is (there), it isn't (there).
(There) are times when my curiosity
Too many 'there'. Try - But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is there, it isn't. At times my curiosity...
She looks up at him like she adores him.
Kathleen (looks up at him like she adores him) too.
(Kathleen does too. But ...
These are only examples of what to try ... you choose what you write. I am just bringing to your attention. And showing alternatives.
I enjoyed.
Marion.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Hi - the mere fact I am reviewing is because I like this story, your tone and voice. Love this paragraph -
Charla climbs the steps and hops up on the railing across from my dad. She starts swinging her legs like some little kid. There are times when Charla looks at Dad like she loves him. This is one of those times. I have never understood why nothing has ever developed between those two. She's been around for as long as I can remember. We have pictures of the three of us, his arms wrapped around us. We look like a family, but we're not. Not really, not in the traditional sense of the word. She looks at him like he's superman and he looks at her like she's Lois Lane. But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is there, it isn't there.
It is up to my dad to bring me down (off of could nine). "Way to warm the bench, son," he teases.
(...take me down from cloud nine... )
Grandma Carolyn sees (me) and starts waving wildly at (me), like she hasn't seen (me) in years.
(Too many 'we' try - Grandma Carolyn sees me and starts waving wildly, like she hasn't seen me in years.
But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is (there), it isn't (there).
(There) are times when my curiosity
Too many 'there'. Try - But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is there, it isn't. At times my curiosity...
She looks up at him like she adores him.
Kathleen (looks up at him like she adores him) too.
(Kathleen does too. But ...
These are only examples of what to try ... you choose what you write. I am just bringing to your attention. And showing alternatives.
I enjoyed.
Marion.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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I thank you for calling me on my word repetition. I do have a habit of fixating on a certain word and using it too many time. Thank you for the detailed and spot on review. Gretchen
Comment from A Matter Of Words
I haven't read very much of this story, but I am missing something. Life through the Rory's eyes is done very well. He thinks about the interplay of the people and events around with wonderful clarity. As a character, he is very likeable and the reader's heart follows his thoughts. The story flows and the dialogue is excellent. Very nicely penned...Stephanie
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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I haven't read very much of this story, but I am missing something. Life through the Rory's eyes is done very well. He thinks about the interplay of the people and events around with wonderful clarity. As a character, he is very likeable and the reader's heart follows his thoughts. The story flows and the dialogue is excellent. Very nicely penned...Stephanie
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review. I really appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Great, there's not been a single chapter where the story slows down. It's fluid, moving almost like breathing, sometimes a strenuous rasp and yet through it all it
is as if the reader can continue breathing--counting on it.
This has been excellent. Hope you start making plans for the finished product.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Great, there's not been a single chapter where the story slows down. It's fluid, moving almost like breathing, sometimes a strenuous rasp and yet through it all it
is as if the reader can continue breathing--counting on it.
This has been excellent. Hope you start making plans for the finished product.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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I am nearing completion, currently about twenty chapters ahead of posting. I never plan my stories, just let the character take me on his wild goose chase and so far I have been having a lot of fun with Rory. He is very naive and soft hearted. Quite different than his dad, Dean, in the previous book. Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from Eigle Rull
My friend, if I had a six star left, you'd get it for sure. This was such a cute little piece. It was very well written, the dialog was great and believable. It held my attention very well. Nice job, my friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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My friend, if I had a six star left, you'd get it for sure. This was such a cute little piece. It was very well written, the dialog was great and believable. It held my attention very well. Nice job, my friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the virtual six. I take those as well. Gretchen
Comment from Sankey
Good chapter thanks very much. Good work. Planning on working on my stuff some more real soon. Had a deep review of the first chapter of my Autobiography it may end up being a couple more chapters! Groan! Cheers.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Good chapter thanks very much. Good work. Planning on working on my stuff some more real soon. Had a deep review of the first chapter of my Autobiography it may end up being a couple more chapters! Groan! Cheers.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Sometimes less is more. I have told my chapters are too short. I like short. I would prefer to read four short chapters over one lengthy one. Thank you for the wonderful review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from Jay Squires
This is such a good novel, Gretchen. Do you have plans of publishing it when it's finished?
Just one tiny nit, that I could find anyway.
and no on was making him, [no one was making him...]
But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is there, it isn't there. [It's lines like these that show your depth of character understanding.]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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This is such a good novel, Gretchen. Do you have plans of publishing it when it's finished?
Just one tiny nit, that I could find anyway.
and no on was making him, [no one was making him...]
But even though every element for the perfect romance and love is there, it isn't there. [It's lines like these that show your depth of character understanding.]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the nice encouraging words. I may publish it after I am done with publishing The 'Shine Baby.
