Sins of My Father
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Like Father, Like Son"A coming of age story.
15 total reviews
Comment from Zinnia48
What I like best about your writing is your gift of conversation between characters. They remain individual and advance the storyline as they interact. Thanks for the ongoing story. Caroline
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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What I like best about your writing is your gift of conversation between characters. They remain individual and advance the storyline as they interact. Thanks for the ongoing story. Caroline
Comment Written 04-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from Selina Stambi
As always, Gretchen, what strikes me most is how in touch you seem to be with the adolescent mindset.
Great, authentic dialogue in the telephone conversation.
A very enjoyable read.
Have a great week!
Love,
Sonali
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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As always, Gretchen, what strikes me most is how in touch you seem to be with the adolescent mindset.
Great, authentic dialogue in the telephone conversation.
A very enjoyable read.
Have a great week!
Love,
Sonali
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from marion
Hi there
I wrote out a reasonable lengthy review and lost it! Here goes again.
I like your voice and writing style, and I am a fan of present tense. It always puts you in the moment. You have excellent narrative that comes in at the right time, Any longer and the conversation would get boring for Y.A.
My suggestion is loose a few more words where possible, and speed up the dialogue - less formal and more like YA's would speak.
Here are a couple of comments:
She does this cute little giggle like the one she left on the answering machine.
(There's that cute giggle again.)
(we know it is on the answer phone so don't have to be told)
She giggles and then continues.
(She giggles then continues)
"So, go (inside)."
I look at the front door. It makes sense to go (inside). Any normal person would go (inside), especially since it's only about forty degrees out tonight.
(too many 'inside' - try - I look at the front door. It makes sense. Any normal person would go inside...
"No, silly. I do modern dance.()" - extra space
(No, silly. Modern Dance.")
And when you have all this dialogue between two people, suggest you don't have tags - you have far too many 'she says' in my opinion and you drag the dialogue. Keep it moving quickly. And this can be done by the removal of most of these tags. Young adults have a very short attention span!
And three times you have told us about her poutiness .... you need not say this as the dialogue should represent the sound.
Here's an example of this: "You will?" she says, the former poutiness gone.
(You will!" she says. Even if you did not have the exclamation mark, it still sounds positive and would not be spoken in a pouty way - so don't tell the reader quite so much on how to think. Let the dialogue show it.
Hope I have helped,
Marion
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Hi there
I wrote out a reasonable lengthy review and lost it! Here goes again.
I like your voice and writing style, and I am a fan of present tense. It always puts you in the moment. You have excellent narrative that comes in at the right time, Any longer and the conversation would get boring for Y.A.
My suggestion is loose a few more words where possible, and speed up the dialogue - less formal and more like YA's would speak.
Here are a couple of comments:
She does this cute little giggle like the one she left on the answering machine.
(There's that cute giggle again.)
(we know it is on the answer phone so don't have to be told)
She giggles and then continues.
(She giggles then continues)
"So, go (inside)."
I look at the front door. It makes sense to go (inside). Any normal person would go (inside), especially since it's only about forty degrees out tonight.
(too many 'inside' - try - I look at the front door. It makes sense. Any normal person would go inside...
"No, silly. I do modern dance.()" - extra space
(No, silly. Modern Dance.")
And when you have all this dialogue between two people, suggest you don't have tags - you have far too many 'she says' in my opinion and you drag the dialogue. Keep it moving quickly. And this can be done by the removal of most of these tags. Young adults have a very short attention span!
And three times you have told us about her poutiness .... you need not say this as the dialogue should represent the sound.
Here's an example of this: "You will?" she says, the former poutiness gone.
(You will!" she says. Even if you did not have the exclamation mark, it still sounds positive and would not be spoken in a pouty way - so don't tell the reader quite so much on how to think. Let the dialogue show it.
Hope I have helped,
Marion
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much for the wonderfully detailed review. It has helped me a great deal and I am going to go back and rewrite a few lines. Thanks for the comments. Gretchen
Comment from Gladness
You've got the teen personas down just right: the nervousness, giggles, not letting their parents know they are on the phone. ..very good.
Anita
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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You've got the teen personas down just right: the nervousness, giggles, not letting their parents know they are on the phone. ..very good.
Anita
Comment Written 02-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the nice comments Gretchen
Comment from DanielEkine
The description and narrative of this work from the author, is brilliant. Very well done and great SPAG usage. Nice dialogue for me, especially, "Then Cassie, rips her clothes off in one fluid motion and starts to grind on my granddad's leg. Grandma Carolyn starts to make that tsk-tsk sound and shakes her head sadly. "You are just like your daddy, Rory..."
"Rory!"
I jump. "Huh? Oh, sorry."
"Did you hear anything I was saying?"
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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The description and narrative of this work from the author, is brilliant. Very well done and great SPAG usage. Nice dialogue for me, especially, "Then Cassie, rips her clothes off in one fluid motion and starts to grind on my granddad's leg. Grandma Carolyn starts to make that tsk-tsk sound and shakes her head sadly. "You are just like your daddy, Rory..."
"Rory!"
I jump. "Huh? Oh, sorry."
"Did you hear anything I was saying?"
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from Bill Schott
Yeah Rory! Sounds like he has piqued the interest of one girl. Funny flashes of daydreaming. Posturing with girls is so funny. Liked this chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Yeah Rory! Sounds like he has piqued the interest of one girl. Funny flashes of daydreaming. Posturing with girls is so funny. Liked this chapter.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from adewpearl
Usually it's just Grandma - add apostrophe
Realistic dialogue in the phone call - I love how he catches himself sounding desperate LOL
let's not talk about our parents - add apostrophe
Then Cassie, rips her clothes - drop the comma
Great interaction between Rory and Cassie :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Usually it's just Grandma - add apostrophe
Realistic dialogue in the phone call - I love how he catches himself sounding desperate LOL
let's not talk about our parents - add apostrophe
Then Cassie, rips her clothes - drop the comma
Great interaction between Rory and Cassie :-) Brooke
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thanks for the spag catches. Thank you so much for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Writingfundimension
I think you really have a good handle on the emotions and reactions of young people. This is a very good chapter to your ongoing young adult novel. Great writing! :) Bev
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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I think you really have a good handle on the emotions and reactions of young people. This is a very good chapter to your ongoing young adult novel. Great writing! :) Bev
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the nice comments. Gretchen
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You're welcome, Gretchen. :0)
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Gretchen.
You used dialogue so well in this chapter. I could feel Rory's awkwardness with only one phone in the house. You described this very well. The phone conversation between Rory and Cassie flows well. I like how you captured Rory's thoughts, from the dancing to wrestling.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Hi, Gretchen.
You used dialogue so well in this chapter. I could feel Rory's awkwardness with only one phone in the house. You described this very well. The phone conversation between Rory and Cassie flows well. I like how you captured Rory's thoughts, from the dancing to wrestling.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much for the great review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from Norbanus
Poor Rory. His Dad's an Asshole and now he's hopelessly infatuated with Cssie, who is as confused as he is. Trying to guess what a girl is beating around the bush about is something every guy has to learn to do, or at least to fake it. In his segment, you show us that he has a lot to learn, but that he's not likely to learn anything. Great dialogue.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Poor Rory. His Dad's an Asshole and now he's hopelessly infatuated with Cssie, who is as confused as he is. Trying to guess what a girl is beating around the bush about is something every guy has to learn to do, or at least to fake it. In his segment, you show us that he has a lot to learn, but that he's not likely to learn anything. Great dialogue.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the nice comments. Gretchen
