Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 93 "CHAPTER TWENTY; PART TWO"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
37 total reviews
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Barbara:
Good story, though I think sometimes you move onto actions too quickly without letting us see a reaction. Sometimes going too fast can lose readers, though that could also be the case because of the way I'm reading it. So you may disregard this comment if you feel I'm wrong.
Some suggestions:
-- light surrounding the hazy figure of Bradley. Where have you been? Are you all right?"
>> light surrounding the hazy figure of Bradley. "Where have you been? Are you all right?"
--"Poor Cash my aching foot."
?
>>"Poor Cash, my aching foot."<< Seems a bit odd, this.
--Paige jogged and hobbled and jogged and hobbled with Morgan by her side until they reached the opening.
>>Paige jogged and hobbled with Morgan by her side until they reached the opening.<<
You state it once, you set the action, no need to repeat it.
--"The tunnel's caving in. How long have the men been gone? I left my phone in the library. I'll call them and tell them to get out."
Odd sequence because of: I left my phone in the library.
You may wish to reverse the order:
>>"The tunnel's caving in. How long have the men been gone? I'll call them and tell them to get out. Oh, it looks like I left my phone in the library."
--"In the tunnel the phones don't work."
>>"The phones don't work in the tunnel."<<
--"You met Bradley."
>>"You met Bradley?"<<
--Paige nodded. "Sure did. He helped me. I got lost. It's a maze in there."
>>Paige nodded. "Sure did. He helped me get out of that maze."<< I would cut out the rest as it is obvious but state why help was needed.
--"Dat tunnel done caved in."
>>"Dat tunnel done cave in."<< Even thought it's jargon, I would still word it like this.
--Mary Pat's hands were on her hips.
Cliche body posture. Try something else.
--"I'm calling the rescue squad. I should've done that in the first place."
>>"I'm calling the rescue squad. I should've done that in the first place!"<<
I would put an exclamation mark.
reply by the author on 18-May-2014
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Hi Barbara:
Good story, though I think sometimes you move onto actions too quickly without letting us see a reaction. Sometimes going too fast can lose readers, though that could also be the case because of the way I'm reading it. So you may disregard this comment if you feel I'm wrong.
Some suggestions:
-- light surrounding the hazy figure of Bradley. Where have you been? Are you all right?"
>> light surrounding the hazy figure of Bradley. "Where have you been? Are you all right?"
--"Poor Cash my aching foot."
?
>>"Poor Cash, my aching foot."<< Seems a bit odd, this.
--Paige jogged and hobbled and jogged and hobbled with Morgan by her side until they reached the opening.
>>Paige jogged and hobbled with Morgan by her side until they reached the opening.<<
You state it once, you set the action, no need to repeat it.
--"The tunnel's caving in. How long have the men been gone? I left my phone in the library. I'll call them and tell them to get out."
Odd sequence because of: I left my phone in the library.
You may wish to reverse the order:
>>"The tunnel's caving in. How long have the men been gone? I'll call them and tell them to get out. Oh, it looks like I left my phone in the library."
--"In the tunnel the phones don't work."
>>"The phones don't work in the tunnel."<<
--"You met Bradley."
>>"You met Bradley?"<<
--Paige nodded. "Sure did. He helped me. I got lost. It's a maze in there."
>>Paige nodded. "Sure did. He helped me get out of that maze."<< I would cut out the rest as it is obvious but state why help was needed.
--"Dat tunnel done caved in."
>>"Dat tunnel done cave in."<< Even thought it's jargon, I would still word it like this.
--Mary Pat's hands were on her hips.
Cliche body posture. Try something else.
--"I'm calling the rescue squad. I should've done that in the first place."
>>"I'm calling the rescue squad. I should've done that in the first place!"<<
I would put an exclamation mark.
Comment Written 11-May-2014
reply by the author on 18-May-2014
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I have made all the corrections. Thank you again for the time it takes you to help.
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Yer welcome, barbara.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Barbara - great hook at the end. Now we wait for Bradley to save Cash. Nicely penned with strong images, and again I enjoyed the humor it adds a new dimension I think. I enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 11-May-2014
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Dear Barbara - great hook at the end. Now we wait for Bradley to save Cash. Nicely penned with strong images, and again I enjoyed the humor it adds a new dimension I think. I enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
Comment Written 11-May-2014
reply by the author on 11-May-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from Ben Colder
Well now did this ever take a twist to the mind of worry. The place is caving in and ghost is moving about. Wow! Now to let everything surface to the good. I'm hooked. Next please. Shalom to you .
reply by the author on 10-May-2014
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Well now did this ever take a twist to the mind of worry. The place is caving in and ghost is moving about. Wow! Now to let everything surface to the good. I'm hooked. Next please. Shalom to you .
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 10-May-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review. I always enjoy hearing from you. I will contact Tom.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~
Hmm..I have to say that I liked this chapter a lot.. I love the flow of words.. There's no obstruction while reading.>Great Job and God Bless~!
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Hello there~
Hmm..I have to say that I liked this chapter a lot.. I love the flow of words.. There's no obstruction while reading.>Great Job and God Bless~!
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where paige escapes, but the tunnel collapses and paige is afraid cash and the others are stuck in there
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where paige escapes, but the tunnel collapses and paige is afraid cash and the others are stuck in there
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A great chapter, my friend. Well written as always and spag-free. Interesting story especially for someone who lives in a 'haunted house' to read~Debbie
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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A great chapter, my friend. Well written as always and spag-free. Interesting story especially for someone who lives in a 'haunted house' to read~Debbie
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Thank you for the kind review. I hope your ghost is as friendly as Bradley.
Comment from Jay Squires
As usual, your stories don't disappoint, Barbara. This was exciting reading.
I made a few notes on things you can review, dismiss or consider. Just one writer's observations.
just a suggestion: "Paige jogged and hobbled and jogged and hobbled with Morgan by her side" [just before Bradley reappeared she was calling for morgan. She and Bradley talked while I (as representative reader) was still wondering about Morgan. And, then you mention him in an offhand kind of way as being by her side. Do you think there should be an explantation given. And, if it's not important, then why call out for him in the first place? This is just an observation, of course. I'd be curious if others commented on it.]
Mary Pat, Nala, and two of the men [Spacing problem]
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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As usual, your stories don't disappoint, Barbara. This was exciting reading.
I made a few notes on things you can review, dismiss or consider. Just one writer's observations.
just a suggestion: "Paige jogged and hobbled and jogged and hobbled with Morgan by her side" [just before Bradley reappeared she was calling for morgan. She and Bradley talked while I (as representative reader) was still wondering about Morgan. And, then you mention him in an offhand kind of way as being by her side. Do you think there should be an explantation given. And, if it's not important, then why call out for him in the first place? This is just an observation, of course. I'd be curious if others commented on it.]
Mary Pat, Nala, and two of the men [Spacing problem]
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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I will take care of the Morgan issue. Thank you for catching it. I appreciate you stopping by. One other reviewer caught it.
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My pleasure, Barbara.
Comment from Sasha
Please stop worrying about how long this novel is. It is a great read and the length is just fine. Bradley is quite the prankster, isn't he? At least he gave Paige the hint that he will reveal himself to Cash...I do hope he keeps his word. Now, to find out how the guys are. I anxiously look forward to the next chapter. Nice work with this one.
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Please stop worrying about how long this novel is. It is a great read and the length is just fine. Bradley is quite the prankster, isn't he? At least he gave Paige the hint that he will reveal himself to Cash...I do hope he keeps his word. Now, to find out how the guys are. I anxiously look forward to the next chapter. Nice work with this one.
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Hey, I enjoyed reading your review, but I am confused about the four stars. Did I do something wrong?
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You should be confused, I meant to give you five. I will go try to fix it right now.
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not a problem, often my finger slips and I give people the wrong rating, but how do you nicely ask if somebody make a mistake,
Comment from NicciFaye
Yes...I am some what confused but the dialogue is exceptionally well written. When I was reading a some of this last year...I don't remember any ghost. I commend you on your diligent and constant efforts in writing this book.
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Yes...I am some what confused but the dialogue is exceptionally well written. When I was reading a some of this last year...I don't remember any ghost. I commend you on your diligent and constant efforts in writing this book.
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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The ghost has been in the novel since the very beginning. Thank you for the kind review.
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Well don't I feel like an idiot. My apologies. I've been in and out of the story haven't been constant.
Comment from jjstar
Hi Barb!
I'm sorry I've been off the site for awhile. We just had a big move and I just didn't have time to keep up. I love the bold-faced print and the fact that Paige has befriended her ghost. I suspected that would happen! Can't wait to catch up to see how Cash and Paige have progressed!
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Hi Barb!
I'm sorry I've been off the site for awhile. We just had a big move and I just didn't have time to keep up. I love the bold-faced print and the fact that Paige has befriended her ghost. I suspected that would happen! Can't wait to catch up to see how Cash and Paige have progressed!
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Thank you for the kind review. I hope you stay around for awhile. You were missed.
