Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 91 "CHAPTER NINETEEN; PART FOUR"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
39 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
You are doing great with this work. The characters Amos and the others tell it like it was. Great dialect. I like doing the Negro thing too. Blessing to you Barb.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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You are doing great with this work. The characters Amos and the others tell it like it was. Great dialect. I like doing the Negro thing too. Blessing to you Barb.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from mumsyone
While waiting for the others, (he) paced.
Good to see you back, Barbara.
The two men, who came with Amos's (Amos or the Amoses) walked around searching for clues.
He pointed to the right on (one).
The men started toward the right tunnel, but stopped as rocks fell(,) closing it.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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While waiting for the others, (he) paced.
Good to see you back, Barbara.
The two men, who came with Amos's (Amos or the Amoses) walked around searching for clues.
He pointed to the right on (one).
The men started toward the right tunnel, but stopped as rocks fell(,) closing it.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from healfromwithin
I have not read any other sections or chapters of your work, so will comment only on SPAGS, accuracy of dialogue, etc.
Some notes:
Amos chuckled. "Boy, we ain't got no choice but straight. All leads to da cellar." He quieted and raised his hand. "I heared a dog too. Dis way." (look into putting "da" and "dis" as well as similar words in this piece into text. Slang, or various forms of dialect, must still be treated accurately, even if they are supposed to sound a certain way.)-- fix all, throughout.
We best keep going (We bes' keep goin')
got, this tunnel will flood." (this tunnel's gonna flood - or somehow, "tunnel'll.")
his back pocket, half hanging out. "Ain't (his back pocket half-way. "Ain't)
breath. "Youngun's dese days (young 'ins; dese doesn't look right)
We need ta hurry(;) 'dat purdy lady might be a(-)hurten."
He's going to clasp this whole thing (what does "clasp: mean here?)
took a drink(,)(sighing,) "That's good!"
The two men, who came with Amos's walked around searching for clues. (re-work) The two men who came with Amos walked around(,) searching for clues.)
continued, "Cause Bradley's ("'cause Bradley's) - because, if missing letters, is contracted at the point.
"I's a(-)wondering why she didn't stay put
He hesitated(,) then continued (read your piece aloud to yourself; if you pause, generally, you need a comma.)
"Ya knows yar woman better dan me ("'Ya knows 'yer woman better 'n me)--correct all contracted, slang "you" to "'ya."
Which way do ya dink?" (Which way do 'ya 'dink?" -- or some other word.)
Does Billy Joe use "'ya" or "you?"
I'm a(-)dinking (')dat one goes to (')da First African Baptist Church(; it be down town." Amos pointed to the center tunnel. "And (')dis one goes to (')da river." (fix the rest in this passage)--He pointed to the right on. "Whoa! Wait! Dere's a tunnel dat breaks off from dat dere center on dat goes to da Bookman Cemetery. I'm a bettin' Bradley done took dat fine lady dere."
, but stopped as rocks fell(,) closing it. (this is a good place for a metaphor or simile; example, "the rocks fell, crashing as if the mountain coming down around them/ or / in a dust cloud/ or / us an "as if" or "like a" statement of comparison.)
Amos turned. "I's say dat be a sign we need to go da other way. Bradley be helping us. To da church we be a going." (fix contractions)
(was there a ghost mentioned, or inferred?
Characters may need a clearer definition, which could be handled by using more distinct dialogue patterns.
Good luck on your writing.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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I have not read any other sections or chapters of your work, so will comment only on SPAGS, accuracy of dialogue, etc.
Some notes:
Amos chuckled. "Boy, we ain't got no choice but straight. All leads to da cellar." He quieted and raised his hand. "I heared a dog too. Dis way." (look into putting "da" and "dis" as well as similar words in this piece into text. Slang, or various forms of dialect, must still be treated accurately, even if they are supposed to sound a certain way.)-- fix all, throughout.
We best keep going (We bes' keep goin')
got, this tunnel will flood." (this tunnel's gonna flood - or somehow, "tunnel'll.")
his back pocket, half hanging out. "Ain't (his back pocket half-way. "Ain't)
breath. "Youngun's dese days (young 'ins; dese doesn't look right)
We need ta hurry(;) 'dat purdy lady might be a(-)hurten."
He's going to clasp this whole thing (what does "clasp: mean here?)
took a drink(,)(sighing,) "That's good!"
The two men, who came with Amos's walked around searching for clues. (re-work) The two men who came with Amos walked around(,) searching for clues.)
continued, "Cause Bradley's ("'cause Bradley's) - because, if missing letters, is contracted at the point.
"I's a(-)wondering why she didn't stay put
He hesitated(,) then continued (read your piece aloud to yourself; if you pause, generally, you need a comma.)
"Ya knows yar woman better dan me ("'Ya knows 'yer woman better 'n me)--correct all contracted, slang "you" to "'ya."
Which way do ya dink?" (Which way do 'ya 'dink?" -- or some other word.)
Does Billy Joe use "'ya" or "you?"
I'm a(-)dinking (')dat one goes to (')da First African Baptist Church(; it be down town." Amos pointed to the center tunnel. "And (')dis one goes to (')da river." (fix the rest in this passage)--He pointed to the right on. "Whoa! Wait! Dere's a tunnel dat breaks off from dat dere center on dat goes to da Bookman Cemetery. I'm a bettin' Bradley done took dat fine lady dere."
, but stopped as rocks fell(,) closing it. (this is a good place for a metaphor or simile; example, "the rocks fell, crashing as if the mountain coming down around them/ or / in a dust cloud/ or / us an "as if" or "like a" statement of comparison.)
Amos turned. "I's say dat be a sign we need to go da other way. Bradley be helping us. To da church we be a going." (fix contractions)
(was there a ghost mentioned, or inferred?
Characters may need a clearer definition, which could be handled by using more distinct dialogue patterns.
Good luck on your writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the time you took to give much such a detailed review. I made most of the changes but am still researching the others.
Comment from Gungalo
Billy Joe is convinced there is no such thing as ghosts yet there they are down in the tunnel looking for Paige and Morgan. Sigh. How long is this tunnel anyways?
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Billy Joe is convinced there is no such thing as ghosts yet there they are down in the tunnel looking for Paige and Morgan. Sigh. How long is this tunnel anyways?
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
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Smile
Comment from adewpearl
great dialogue - love the literal interpretation of the old saying, which even this Yankee knows LOL
rocks fell, closing it - add comma
stomping his foot - good use of non-verbal communication to
enhance the intensity of emotion of the spoken conversation
excellent dialogue
you build and sustain suspense well
Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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great dialogue - love the literal interpretation of the old saying, which even this Yankee knows LOL
rocks fell, closing it - add comma
stomping his foot - good use of non-verbal communication to
enhance the intensity of emotion of the spoken conversation
excellent dialogue
you build and sustain suspense well
Brooke
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from wanyma325
While I have not read the previous chapters...yet, this piece is very vivid. I found myself in a tunnel, somewhere with a couple of mountain, country type of 'good ole boys.' I returned to the story for a re-read, then realized the title, which led me to believe I wasn't too far off. I will go on to the beginning of the story, I enjoyed your writing and description, and especially the dialog.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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While I have not read the previous chapters...yet, this piece is very vivid. I found myself in a tunnel, somewhere with a couple of mountain, country type of 'good ole boys.' I returned to the story for a re-read, then realized the title, which led me to believe I wasn't too far off. I will go on to the beginning of the story, I enjoyed your writing and description, and especially the dialog.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Barbara - this has that nice hit of suspense as they try to locate Paige.
your dialect is powerful and really adds to the depth of this story especially for its location. Southern charm does have its hitches in language:)
Thanks for sharing this one - I enjoyed reading it, skillfully woven.
Maureen
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Dear Barbara - this has that nice hit of suspense as they try to locate Paige.
your dialect is powerful and really adds to the depth of this story especially for its location. Southern charm does have its hitches in language:)
Thanks for sharing this one - I enjoyed reading it, skillfully woven.
Maureen
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and your continued support.
Comment from c_lucas
Some one will have to convince two stubborn males that ghost are exiar in the tunnel. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Some one will have to convince two stubborn males that ghost are exiar in the tunnel. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Maybe Bradley will convince them. Think Cash is coming around, but Billy Joe is not close. Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from judiverse
Six stars because you really have the suspense going in this. Great atmosphere as you describe going through the underground tunnel. Rocks falling and closing one of the tunnels off doesn't sound good. Amos says that the ghost of Bradley must be leading them to Paige, but Billy Joe isn't having any of that. Morgan's barking has been a help, but now he has stopped barking. The brightly polished fingernail--an interesting clue. Great work. judi
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Six stars because you really have the suspense going in this. Great atmosphere as you describe going through the underground tunnel. Rocks falling and closing one of the tunnels off doesn't sound good. Amos says that the ghost of Bradley must be leading them to Paige, but Billy Joe isn't having any of that. Morgan's barking has been a help, but now he has stopped barking. The brightly polished fingernail--an interesting clue. Great work. judi
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and the encouragement you so generously give me. I appreciate both.
