Wrinkles
coming home ... to say goodbye ...92 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
I am sure this is one that many of us can relate to. However, I am the perfectionist in my family. Everything has its placed and God help anyone that touches anything! I am sure to be the grumpy old lady down the lane in my later years, and hope that by then I mellow out. Marvelous work with this one and I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Mine passed away in 2006.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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I am sure this is one that many of us can relate to. However, I am the perfectionist in my family. Everything has its placed and God help anyone that touches anything! I am sure to be the grumpy old lady down the lane in my later years, and hope that by then I mellow out. Marvelous work with this one and I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Mine passed away in 2006.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thx so much Sasha ... actually she's still with us, but sliding away fast. I'm anticipating another trip to Australia in the not so distant future unfortunately.
:)Sharyn
Comment from l.raven
Sharyn, this is such a touching poem about your mother...and I know what you are saying about your house...my grandmother...this is a wonderful write...I enjoyed reading it...and am sorry for the loss of your mother...Luff Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Sharyn, this is such a touching poem about your mother...and I know what you are saying about your house...my grandmother...this is a wonderful write...I enjoyed reading it...and am sorry for the loss of your mother...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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thx so much Linda! :)Sharyn
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you are so welcome...xxoo
Comment from zurxe
Very sweet poem thank you for crafting it with such excellence! It evoked much pathos out of me for I was reminded of my own elders and their influences on the person I am today.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Very sweet poem thank you for crafting it with such excellence! It evoked much pathos out of me for I was reminded of my own elders and their influences on the person I am today.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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"ALOHA" Zurxe - did you mean to give it only 3 stars then dear? Please do read the Fanstory guidelines if you would.
Blessings,
Sharyn
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I apologize! No not at all, it was truly a strong poem and is not deserving of a three. My mistake.
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Is there any possible way I can edit the scoring. Once again, I apologize.
Comment from rama devi
Welcome back, dear. Wonderful free verse style--totally unique and well voiced, with fluid flow, fine enjambment, clever creative sculpting of cadences and dramatic pauses, and strong emotional overtones. Tasteful presentation as well with apt and appealing artwork.
This struck a chord immediately as I found myself nodding and thinking "me too" with this line:
As I was growing up, my house was more a museum than a home,
Powerfully voiced--and I love how it is inclusive of the external landscape as an echo of the internal one:
Even the landscape
stood at attention, lawns smooth, surrounding us,
curved and elegant, stone walls just so--
Powerful almost parenthetic effect with the single line stanza here:
like my mother.
Potent pregnant pause!
Fine internal rhymes here:
Years have uncurled. Lives lived, or not--
the rot is palpable, and I know I'm home
to say goodbye. Overhead, in the dead, autumnal room,
peach plaster cracks, spidering, fractured.
I like your use of spidering too.
Strong depth of content as well.
Great imagery and tone:
Wallpaper, long-fussed and flowered, peels back
from once immaculate seams and all ... screams ... silent
save for the brave heartbeat of
Good creative sculpting here too: one
plodding
clock
much ...
like
my mother.
Good echo of ARK and ARCH and UMBL and alliteration of C and G and L and A:
:
Stark now, darkling, I look
through windows barred by creepers
crawling towards sunlight. Grass,
once greenly gardened, is parched and arching
skeletons of roses crumble, tumbling into walls
of lush and lonely weeds, mocking all
ancient
Not sure about using caps on Sleeping Beauties (since as a pronoun it would refer to 'one' not many):
Sleeping
Beauties.
Outstanding sudden shift, apt voicing (so it SOUND like what it conveys) and creative formatting here:
Hush ...
only
the cobwebs
stir
with her
breath.
Good POV exploration and tying the conclusion with the opening and the title:
Which one are you again? Her cluttered brain flutters.
Come, sit beside me, child. Her hands caress the satin quilt.
Don't worry about the wrinkles now. She smiles.
I know you'll fix them when I'm gone.
This is a highly personal write. Expressive, emotionally layered, musical and touching. Potent closing as well.
Bravo
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
 |
Welcome back, dear. Wonderful free verse style--totally unique and well voiced, with fluid flow, fine enjambment, clever creative sculpting of cadences and dramatic pauses, and strong emotional overtones. Tasteful presentation as well with apt and appealing artwork.
This struck a chord immediately as I found myself nodding and thinking "me too" with this line:
As I was growing up, my house was more a museum than a home,
Powerfully voiced--and I love how it is inclusive of the external landscape as an echo of the internal one:
Even the landscape
stood at attention, lawns smooth, surrounding us,
curved and elegant, stone walls just so--
Powerful almost parenthetic effect with the single line stanza here:
like my mother.
Potent pregnant pause!
Fine internal rhymes here:
Years have uncurled. Lives lived, or not--
the rot is palpable, and I know I'm home
to say goodbye. Overhead, in the dead, autumnal room,
peach plaster cracks, spidering, fractured.
I like your use of spidering too.
Strong depth of content as well.
Great imagery and tone:
Wallpaper, long-fussed and flowered, peels back
from once immaculate seams and all ... screams ... silent
save for the brave heartbeat of
Good creative sculpting here too: one
plodding
clock
much ...
like
my mother.
Good echo of ARK and ARCH and UMBL and alliteration of C and G and L and A:
:
Stark now, darkling, I look
through windows barred by creepers
crawling towards sunlight. Grass,
once greenly gardened, is parched and arching
skeletons of roses crumble, tumbling into walls
of lush and lonely weeds, mocking all
ancient
Not sure about using caps on Sleeping Beauties (since as a pronoun it would refer to 'one' not many):
Sleeping
Beauties.
Outstanding sudden shift, apt voicing (so it SOUND like what it conveys) and creative formatting here:
Hush ...
only
the cobwebs
stir
with her
breath.
Good POV exploration and tying the conclusion with the opening and the title:
Which one are you again? Her cluttered brain flutters.
Come, sit beside me, child. Her hands caress the satin quilt.
Don't worry about the wrinkles now. She smiles.
I know you'll fix them when I'm gone.
This is a highly personal write. Expressive, emotionally layered, musical and touching. Potent closing as well.
Bravo
Love,
rd
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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thx so much rd - yes, I was wondering about Sleeping Beauties, too - but I wanted to parallel the fairy story - perhaps put it in italics? or quotes?
Thank you, as always, for your in depth review - you really don't miss anything, do you!? It's so gratifying as an author to write for you!
Blessings - glad to be back!
:)Sharyn
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Yes...italics or quotes might work well there. Thanks for your gracious response. I do try to give my full attention in reviewing (following the Golden Rule and a 'principle of service'. Thanks for your enthusiastic response dear. Blessings and Love, rd
Comment from seaglass
This is a catching piece, causing ponder. I love the work 'darkling" and will add it to me vocabulary.
So much time and energy spent for perfection and for what? It's a good reminder of re-examination of priorities.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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This is a catching piece, causing ponder. I love the work 'darkling" and will add it to me vocabulary.
So much time and energy spent for perfection and for what? It's a good reminder of re-examination of priorities.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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thx so much seaglass! :)Sharyn
Comment from Dawn Munro
Jesus, Sharyn, I'm so sorry...what an incredible free verse! I'm truly at a loss for words - these fit, I guess, but I refuse to try to put them into any context: POWERFUL/POIGNANT/EXCEPTIONAL!
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Jesus, Sharyn, I'm so sorry...what an incredible free verse! I'm truly at a loss for words - these fit, I guess, but I refuse to try to put them into any context: POWERFUL/POIGNANT/EXCEPTIONAL!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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hey you saved me another one! Bless you Dawn! Is your poor computer fixed yet?
big hugs
Sharyn
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Yup, all fixed. :)
That poem is simply masterful, Sharyn, seriously!!! (And our sixes were replenished, so the timing was perfect!)
Comment from Selina Stambi
You wrenched my heart with this 'darkling' poem - yet, so full of inner light.
You always have my virtual sixes, dear.
Talked to my parents this morning. Long story. Had to change my plans. Will PM you soon.
Off for Easter family dinner. Happy Easter, my dear Twinnie. Seems like we are on a similar journey once more.
All my love,
Sonali :)
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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You wrenched my heart with this 'darkling' poem - yet, so full of inner light.
You always have my virtual sixes, dear.
Talked to my parents this morning. Long story. Had to change my plans. Will PM you soon.
Off for Easter family dinner. Happy Easter, my dear Twinnie. Seems like we are on a similar journey once more.
All my love,
Sonali :)
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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We are indeed Twinnie - I'm sure I'll be off to Australia again some time in the not so distant future! Enjoy your Easter! Catch up on PM?
:)S
Comment from pattipac
Your telling of your return to your childhood home ,and your final farewell to your Mother is touching. The strictness, and formality you grew-up with has seen its last days. As you take your Mom's hand, she is no longer caught up in the formalities of life, but cherishes what is most important; you.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Your telling of your return to your childhood home ,and your final farewell to your Mother is touching. The strictness, and formality you grew-up with has seen its last days. As you take your Mom's hand, she is no longer caught up in the formalities of life, but cherishes what is most important; you.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much Patti - both for your lovely reading AND, of course, for your special six!
:)Sharyn
Comment from judiverse
Very beautiful and touching. You have an excellent contrast between the perfect home--more a museum than a home--with the beautiful furnishings and landscaping. Things just the way your mother wanted them. Then with the passage of time things have started to crumble. As you describe it, your mother has deteriorated as well as the once-beautiful home. I love your recollection of your mother saying you'd wrinkle the brocade and not remember to fix it. At the end, the end of her life, she says she knows you'll fix them when she's gone. It's like she was leaving that legacy to you. She sounds like one of my aunts. judi
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Very beautiful and touching. You have an excellent contrast between the perfect home--more a museum than a home--with the beautiful furnishings and landscaping. Things just the way your mother wanted them. Then with the passage of time things have started to crumble. As you describe it, your mother has deteriorated as well as the once-beautiful home. I love your recollection of your mother saying you'd wrinkle the brocade and not remember to fix it. At the end, the end of her life, she says she knows you'll fix them when she's gone. It's like she was leaving that legacy to you. She sounds like one of my aunts. judi
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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You don't miss a thing Judi - thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful reading, and, of course, for your lovely six!
:)Sharyn
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You're so welcome. It must difficult for a person who has always been so meticulous to find that she' no longer to keep things up to her standards. I can imagine her wanting you to take care of her things. judi
Comment from Andrewajgblue
Lovely, very sad and poignant, showing our time here is brief, and silly things like nik naks and neatness are forgotten,love and laughter are remembered, really well written, great presentation, I liked it very much,
Andrew
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Lovely, very sad and poignant, showing our time here is brief, and silly things like nik naks and neatness are forgotten,love and laughter are remembered, really well written, great presentation, I liked it very much,
Andrew
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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thx so much Andrew! :)Sharyn
