Wrinkles
coming home ... to say goodbye ...92 total reviews
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Hi there, as usual you have written a masterpiece. 'Wrinkles' is no exceptions. Some mothers
never really learn how to 'mother'. Dementia is an equalizer in many cases. Don't worry, I know you'll fix them when I'm gone. Nicely done, Carolyn
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Hi there, as usual you have written a masterpiece. 'Wrinkles' is no exceptions. Some mothers
never really learn how to 'mother'. Dementia is an equalizer in many cases. Don't worry, I know you'll fix them when I'm gone. Nicely done, Carolyn
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Bless you Carolyn! :)Sharyn
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Old age destroys people and their lofty ideals, and buildings alike. When we are young and fussy about every little wrinkle, we have not lived a life and learned to understand what is most important. Unfortunately we don't understand how short life is, do we Sharyn, or how we affect those around us... Especially our children. From your heartfelt account, you have felt the effects. Giddy
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Old age destroys people and their lofty ideals, and buildings alike. When we are young and fussy about every little wrinkle, we have not lived a life and learned to understand what is most important. Unfortunately we don't understand how short life is, do we Sharyn, or how we affect those around us... Especially our children. From your heartfelt account, you have felt the effects. Giddy
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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no, we do not, Giddy, dammit!
:)))Sharyn
Comment from w.j.debi
This tugs at a few heart strings. You paint a vivid picture of the mother who has to have everything in its place. That does make it difficult to enjoy your childhood or have friends in. Much more comfortable to be out of the house than in it.
But with all of that, the narrator still loves her mother. There are pleasant memories which override all else in the end.
A poignant piece of acceptance and love in that last good-bye.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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This tugs at a few heart strings. You paint a vivid picture of the mother who has to have everything in its place. That does make it difficult to enjoy your childhood or have friends in. Much more comfortable to be out of the house than in it.
But with all of that, the narrator still loves her mother. There are pleasant memories which override all else in the end.
A poignant piece of acceptance and love in that last good-bye.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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thx so much wj! :)Sharyn
Comment from c_lucas
Childhood memories come and go. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an excellent read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Childhood memories come and go. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an excellent read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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thx so much Charlie! :)S
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You're welcome, Sharlyn. Charlie
Comment from Just2Write
Oh, this is a magnificent write.
So much beauty in the words, and yet each is layered in pain. Beautiful use of poetic devices, like the tumbling words that slow the pace and make the reader pay attention.
Excellent use of alliteration, assonance to share this poignant scene. The whole thing is superb, and other than quoting your whole poem back to you, I can't pick a portion that rings better than the rest - except perhaps your close.
There are no gravestones that read: Here lies the world's best housekeeper. Enough said. I hope you find peace in your soul.
Rose.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Oh, this is a magnificent write.
So much beauty in the words, and yet each is layered in pain. Beautiful use of poetic devices, like the tumbling words that slow the pace and make the reader pay attention.
Excellent use of alliteration, assonance to share this poignant scene. The whole thing is superb, and other than quoting your whole poem back to you, I can't pick a portion that rings better than the rest - except perhaps your close.
There are no gravestones that read: Here lies the world's best housekeeper. Enough said. I hope you find peace in your soul.
Rose.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Bless you for your lovely, empathic reading and also for your six Rose. :)Sharyn
Comment from Lena Borghi
Hi Visionary!
Your first line is an immediate attention getter.
You make effective use of the prose poetry format here, with great descriptive lines.
I like the use of "like my mother" as a free standing line marking the transition to a shift in tone. I like the use of the word "uncurled" in that first line of the second section, making a reference back to the "curlicued" gold leaf.
The line formatting with the descending words are very effective for pacing the piece.
I see many instances of good use of alliteration and consonance, good metaphors (skeletons of roses) and personification (lonely weeds).
Majestic ending. Didn't see it coming.
I only have one small suggestion and that is to see how you feel about eliminating the words "As I was" in your first long section and simply beging with "Growing up,.." This is an excellent write and I enjoyed it very much.
Thank you for sharing.
Lena
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Hi Visionary!
Your first line is an immediate attention getter.
You make effective use of the prose poetry format here, with great descriptive lines.
I like the use of "like my mother" as a free standing line marking the transition to a shift in tone. I like the use of the word "uncurled" in that first line of the second section, making a reference back to the "curlicued" gold leaf.
The line formatting with the descending words are very effective for pacing the piece.
I see many instances of good use of alliteration and consonance, good metaphors (skeletons of roses) and personification (lonely weeds).
Majestic ending. Didn't see it coming.
I only have one small suggestion and that is to see how you feel about eliminating the words "As I was" in your first long section and simply beging with "Growing up,.." This is an excellent write and I enjoyed it very much.
Thank you for sharing.
Lena
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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"Aloha" Lena - thank you for your detailed reading. I agree with your suggestion "Growing up" etc and that's how I wrote it originally, but then I realized that for some literal minded people, by starting that line that way, 'my house' would be a possible subject for that line instead of "I" which would lend a note of unintended comedy! So I decided to be a little wordier, but to clarify. What do you think? Overkill?
:)Sharyn
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Hi Sharyn,
I see what you mean; I hadn't thought of that. Still, I feel it would be better without the extra words, only because it's poetry. If you were writing prose, I'd definitely say, "keep them," but I think the line adheres to the structure of the overall piece more without the extra words. I also think, in the poetic realm, you have to worry less about the "literal" crowd, and you make enough references to people (child, us, my mother) for the reader to realize you are speaking from a first person singular perspective. If Brooke Baldwin happens to review you, ask her. She teaches the SPAG class.
Good piece. I really enjoyed it.
Lena
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thx so much Lena! I'll ask her! I happen to agree with you!
:)S
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:)
Comment from James Dooney
This is indeed quite cool I think. I love how the words flow on and how your pic here combines nicely with what you have written.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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This is indeed quite cool I think. I love how the words flow on and how your pic here combines nicely with what you have written.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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thx so much James! :)S
Comment from emrpoems
This is so thought provoking. It made me so emotional to read your life as mine.Mother too took great pride in our home.
However, what is sad it that it all comes to an end and noting matter when they are gone.
Great free verse which i find difficult to write.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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This is so thought provoking. It made me so emotional to read your life as mine.Mother too took great pride in our home.
However, what is sad it that it all comes to an end and noting matter when they are gone.
Great free verse which i find difficult to write.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much Erica - I LOVE free verse (so much easier than formal poetry for me, though I enjoy both).
:)S
Comment from TAB_that's me
This is very deep and powerful. It really spoke to me and sounded so much like my own Mother. Well written free verse.
Teresa
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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This is very deep and powerful. It really spoke to me and sounded so much like my own Mother. Well written free verse.
Teresa
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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thx so much Tab! :)S
Comment from GWHARGIS
Well, you broke my heart. You brought all of the feelings that I felt with my mother. She was very into appearances and having a museum quality home. I guess because they didn't really have careers or outside interests, they were defined by the homes they made. My mother was a kind and wonderful lady who most certainly put her mark on my sister and I. I hope this was fiction, but even so, it brought a tear to my eyes.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Well, you broke my heart. You brought all of the feelings that I felt with my mother. She was very into appearances and having a museum quality home. I guess because they didn't really have careers or outside interests, they were defined by the homes they made. My mother was a kind and wonderful lady who most certainly put her mark on my sister and I. I hope this was fiction, but even so, it brought a tear to my eyes.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Based on life experience, Gretchen, so unfortunately not all fiction, hmm? Bless you for your lovely reading and for your special '6' my dear!
:)Sharyn
