The Crypt of Hubbard Hayle
Some happinesses money just can't buy.49 total reviews
Comment from forestport12
Combining humor and thriller is a favorite. I like dark comedy too. You have created some interesting characters and used dialogue to deepen and develop their place in the readers mind. I do wonder what will happen next. Are they living dead making plans to bring unholy terror to unsuspecting living losers?
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Combining humor and thriller is a favorite. I like dark comedy too. You have created some interesting characters and used dialogue to deepen and develop their place in the readers mind. I do wonder what will happen next. Are they living dead making plans to bring unholy terror to unsuspecting living losers?
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thanks a bunch for reading & reviewing this one for me, Stan. It's always great to hear what fellow writers of the genre think, and I certainly appreciate it.
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Great start to your new story, Dean. I give it a major thumbs up. Not used to you writing prose, but I really like it when you do. I can only imagine what Hubbard Hayle has in store for these two teens. Cain't be good!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Great start to your new story, Dean. I give it a major thumbs up. Not used to you writing prose, but I really like it when you do. I can only imagine what Hubbard Hayle has in store for these two teens. Cain't be good!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Green Lake Girl. I really appreciate your thoughts and opinions on this story.
Comment from Jay Squires
Great start for a story, Dean. You have two likeable characters, their dialogue pops and helps to define them.
You have good movement between dalogue and narrative, not overly bulked up in either.
I don't think this needs the gemcrackery of the bold print with the 14 or 16 point font. It moves along well without it. Normally I don't care for the colloquial dialogue, but you carry it off well here, giving it a kind of Tom Sawyery feel to it.
Couple of notes:
He probably had about then, 'cause I'd just cut the cheese. [Personally, humorous, though it is, I think I would cut this out, since it's a distraction from the conversation and doesn't go any where.]
after your run your bike into your dad's car. [after you run...]
Looking forward to the next segment.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Great start for a story, Dean. You have two likeable characters, their dialogue pops and helps to define them.
You have good movement between dalogue and narrative, not overly bulked up in either.
I don't think this needs the gemcrackery of the bold print with the 14 or 16 point font. It moves along well without it. Normally I don't care for the colloquial dialogue, but you carry it off well here, giving it a kind of Tom Sawyery feel to it.
Couple of notes:
He probably had about then, 'cause I'd just cut the cheese. [Personally, humorous, though it is, I think I would cut this out, since it's a distraction from the conversation and doesn't go any where.]
after your run your bike into your dad's car. [after you run...]
Looking forward to the next segment.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thanks very much, Jay, I'm very happy to hear your opinions on this story, and I appreciate your very generous review, my friend. I'll make the necessary edits.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Dean I see what you mean by the strong language.
But it didn't brother me.
To me this chapter is leading to some un-ordinary happenings.
So will be wsating for another chapter.
Gert
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Hi Dean I see what you mean by the strong language.
But it didn't brother me.
To me this chapter is leading to some un-ordinary happenings.
So will be wsating for another chapter.
Gert
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Oh, that's good, Gert. I wanted to keep the dialogue realistic, just as two teenaged boys would speak. I'm very happy that you enjoyed reading the story, and I certainly appreciate your very generous rating and kind comments.
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Hi Dean you are welcome
Give us more
Gert
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Dean:)
I don't quite know where this story is headed, but it caught my attention. before this nights is over, I suspect enough scares to keep the boys awake for nights. My bet is thet the fear of the hounds will make the boys forget about Hubbard Hayle's ghost.
Great dialect, but I still noted two errors:
1. You promised me, ya' know, last week, when I covered for you after [your ==>you] run your bike into your dad's car. {A typo?}
2. We both locked pinkies then, to [sealed ==> seal] the bond -- and Timmy's fate. {Another typo?}
I'll be looking for part 2.
Roger, Marilyn's writing partner
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Hi Dean:)
I don't quite know where this story is headed, but it caught my attention. before this nights is over, I suspect enough scares to keep the boys awake for nights. My bet is thet the fear of the hounds will make the boys forget about Hubbard Hayle's ghost.
Great dialect, but I still noted two errors:
1. You promised me, ya' know, last week, when I covered for you after [your ==>you] run your bike into your dad's car. {A typo?}
2. We both locked pinkies then, to [sealed ==> seal] the bond -- and Timmy's fate. {Another typo?}
I'll be looking for part 2.
Roger, Marilyn's writing partner
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thanks for your kind review, CALLAHANMR, and for catching those mistakes for me. They've since been corrected. Much obliged!
Comment from country ranch writer
off to a good start on your tale and I hope you make the boy get his just dues tricking and lying to his friend like that it isn't right for a mean ass like that to win hehe
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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off to a good start on your tale and I hope you make the boy get his just dues tricking and lying to his friend like that it isn't right for a mean ass like that to win hehe
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Hah, nope, it surely isn't, country! Thanks for the outstanding rating and review, my dear friend. It is always a pleasure to hear from you!
Comment from nor84
gonna'>>>I think you can lose the apostrophe. Gonna isn't a contraction or a possessive.
"Yeah, you idgit, you just go right on ahead and keep on laughin' it up!" >>>I recommend taking out 'on' in both places here.
Timmy Milton swiped at the ass of his jeans to dislodge all the dirt, wood chips, and other debris he's (he'd)>>> to stay in past tense, you need he had (he'd) not he has.
Tim held his right hand out toward me>>>I think this is clear without 'toward me'.
"No! I done told ya', Dan-o, I ain't goin' up to that haunted place(.) It's got a curse on it.
It was just about then that I stuck out my own pinky.
Timmy looked at me then >>>I'd take out at least one 'then' in these sentences. It's in that second sentence twice.
I mean stop being friends all together (altogether).
"We ain't best friends no more(.) You said so yourself."
like you promised you was gonin' (goin')
"Pinky swear(.) Say it
They're long gone(.) He had to get rid of 'em,"
Don't need a comma before Hubbard's crypt. It's not a compound sentence.
I like the way you handle dialogue between the teen boys. I did enjoy it. Suggested fixing a few comma splices, mostly.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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gonna'>>>I think you can lose the apostrophe. Gonna isn't a contraction or a possessive.
"Yeah, you idgit, you just go right on ahead and keep on laughin' it up!" >>>I recommend taking out 'on' in both places here.
Timmy Milton swiped at the ass of his jeans to dislodge all the dirt, wood chips, and other debris he's (he'd)>>> to stay in past tense, you need he had (he'd) not he has.
Tim held his right hand out toward me>>>I think this is clear without 'toward me'.
"No! I done told ya', Dan-o, I ain't goin' up to that haunted place(.) It's got a curse on it.
It was just about then that I stuck out my own pinky.
Timmy looked at me then >>>I'd take out at least one 'then' in these sentences. It's in that second sentence twice.
I mean stop being friends all together (altogether).
"We ain't best friends no more(.) You said so yourself."
like you promised you was gonin' (goin')
"Pinky swear(.) Say it
They're long gone(.) He had to get rid of 'em,"
Don't need a comma before Hubbard's crypt. It's not a compound sentence.
I like the way you handle dialogue between the teen boys. I did enjoy it. Suggested fixing a few comma splices, mostly.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thanks for taking the time to review this for me and for pointing out those errors, Norma. I truly appreciate it. I'll tell you, I read and edited this story probably twenty times before I posted it, and still missed them. I doubt my calling is in the editing field, lol. Thanks so much again!
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The slip-ups just jump off the page to me. Can't help seeing them.
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Hah, I sure wish I had that problem. It would make my editing so much easier, lol. I made all of the necessary corrections, however. I'm really very thankful you pointed them out to me, Norma.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Darkhorse555
really loved how this drew in the mind old buzzard's been dead for more than a hundred and fifty years.excellent read beautifully penned as always dear friend happy easter in our lords light love and peace
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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really loved how this drew in the mind old buzzard's been dead for more than a hundred and fifty years.excellent read beautifully penned as always dear friend happy easter in our lords light love and peace
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thank you, my dark fiend. I am very grateful that you took time out to read and review the story for me.
Comment from Alan K Pease
Very good first edition preparing us for more fine writing of the adventures of Danny and Timmy building us up for the night visit to the graveyard and who will be scary to who.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Very good first edition preparing us for more fine writing of the adventures of Danny and Timmy building us up for the night visit to the graveyard and who will be scary to who.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Alan, I'm really glad you enjoyed. Thanks for taking the time to read and review the story for me.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for another great chapter. Sounds like we are nearing take off with everything lining up for one of your edge of the seat stories. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thanks for another great chapter. Sounds like we are nearing take off with everything lining up for one of your edge of the seat stories. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much, Ric, and I'm really glad to see that you enjoyed reading this one. I sure do appreciate your kind comments, as well as your very generous rating.
Thanks again, my friend.
