Chosen Profession Part-2
A private detective tries to escape from an elevator shaft.30 total reviews
Comment from Norbanus
It seems that you have somewhere for our protagonist to go with this yarn. I don't want to miss the rest of the story. Never a dull moment to this poor son-of-a-bitch who's already planning ...
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
  |
It seems that you have somewhere for our protagonist to go with this yarn. I don't want to miss the rest of the story. Never a dull moment to this poor son-of-a-bitch who's already planning ...
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Thank you so much, Norbanus, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I think most of us have been in a situation not of our choosing and felt helpless, which I hoped would help readers to relate. :-)
Comment from Emily George
Excellent read,lots of maneuvers and that surprise ending.
waiting to see what happens to him and why they pegged him in the first place.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
|
Excellent read,lots of maneuvers and that surprise ending.
waiting to see what happens to him and why they pegged him in the first place.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much, Emily, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I think that most of us have been in a situation not of our choosing and felt helpless, which I hope makes readers able to relate. Glad you liked it. :-)
Comment from Leineco
Very interesting conclusion. And still we have no answers (as to how he got into this jam) - yet
. . .I definitely suspect there will be sequels ;-)
Interesting set-up for a Stainless Steele Rat mets Jason Bourne novel :-)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
|
Very interesting conclusion. And still we have no answers (as to how he got into this jam) - yet
. . .I definitely suspect there will be sequels ;-)
Interesting set-up for a Stainless Steele Rat mets Jason Bourne novel :-)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
-
Yes, I almost always leave everything open ended. This is more of a 40's to 50's style. Dashiell Hammett and John Ross MacDonald do it best of any that I've ever read. Thanks so much for your kind words and generous review. :-)
Comment from Gloria ....
Ric, fabulous story. It's written in the matter-of-fact, life's a bitch and then you die style that I love so much. Your Dick is tone-perfect throughout. I'll highlight a couple of my favourite spots, even though there were many:
Gotta love that pretence of nonchalance. That's always a comical stance, wouldn't you agree. Very James Bondish or is he too cliché?
Ah, so our gumshoe is a mime as well as an acrobat. That always comes in handy in these situations. It also shows off his fine physique and accentuates a finely pressed tuxedo too.
One wrong move and your brains will splatter like confetti in a fan." - excellent simile.
Fine story throughout Ric. I can totally see you turning this into a wonderful novel -- Dashiell Hammett style. Now all you need is a Lillian Hellman.
Love it, dear man. Keep writing, cause you got the know how.
Gloria
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
 |
Ric, fabulous story. It's written in the matter-of-fact, life's a bitch and then you die style that I love so much. Your Dick is tone-perfect throughout. I'll highlight a couple of my favourite spots, even though there were many:
Gotta love that pretence of nonchalance. That's always a comical stance, wouldn't you agree. Very James Bondish or is he too cliché?
Ah, so our gumshoe is a mime as well as an acrobat. That always comes in handy in these situations. It also shows off his fine physique and accentuates a finely pressed tuxedo too.
One wrong move and your brains will splatter like confetti in a fan." - excellent simile.
Fine story throughout Ric. I can totally see you turning this into a wonderful novel -- Dashiell Hammett style. Now all you need is a Lillian Hellman.
Love it, dear man. Keep writing, cause you got the know how.
Gloria
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and wonderful six star review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you like it. It's more of a 40's and 50's style, which not everyone likes. But funny that you'd mention Dashiell Hammett, because between him, Lawrence Block, and my all time favorite, John Ross MacDonald (Kenneth Millar), there are no better. :-)
Comment from Green Lake Girl
What an interesting turn of events. Our guy stumbled on some classified information, but we don't know what exactly. And now someone wants to hire him to be an assassin? Wow. I'm hooked!
By the way, I love the word, "smithereens." So descriptive.
Couple suggestions:
"this time the stakes are just higher" (Reads a bit awkwardly. Eliminate the word, "just")
I'm unclear who the "he" is in this sentence:
The longer he waits the redder the officer's face gets.
Lots of action in this story. Good job.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
|
What an interesting turn of events. Our guy stumbled on some classified information, but we don't know what exactly. And now someone wants to hire him to be an assassin? Wow. I'm hooked!
By the way, I love the word, "smithereens." So descriptive.
Couple suggestions:
"this time the stakes are just higher" (Reads a bit awkwardly. Eliminate the word, "just")
I'm unclear who the "he" is in this sentence:
The longer he waits the redder the officer's face gets.
Lots of action in this story. Good job.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read the second part of my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. I didn't feel that I could eliminate the "just" in the sentence without changing the message, so I "just" (he he) changed the whole sentence as I did for your other suggestion. 1)The only difference this time, is the stakes are higher, and there won't be a second chance. 2)The longer the officer waits, the redder his face gets. Thanks.
-
Glad to be of some benefit to you. I really like this story. A lot of unanswered questions, which causes a reader to want more.
-
I always leave a lot of unanswered questions in everything I write in case I want to expand on it later in a script or book, or maybe a couple chapters. Some people get after me and don't like it. :-)
Comment from GracieAnn
Ric, this is really good! I was on the edge with expectation and sorrowful that the innocent was plucked and played like a pawn in a complicated game. You need to keep going with this one. Good dialog and believable scenario. Your own 24 take. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
|
Ric, this is really good! I was on the edge with expectation and sorrowful that the innocent was plucked and played like a pawn in a complicated game. You need to keep going with this one. Good dialog and believable scenario. Your own 24 take. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm a beginner just trying to improve, and it wouldn't be possible without the encouragement from people like you. :-)
Comment from hvysmker
"Staff your designated stations." Orders echo from the intercom and an additional system of loud speakers. "We presume the fugitive to be armed and dangerous. Have your weapons loaded and ready to fire, if necessary."
*** Doesn't sound right to me. Since he's been loose in the building for some time, now, with the building saturated with police, they would be at their stations by then. Besides, after that firing, they'd be expecting trouble. If I were in charge of the pursuit, I'd be more worried about my people milling around and shooting each other. Maybe the speaker should inform them that he was still on the loose and not taken down by the previous shooting?
Hearing that brings a chuckle, even in this situation. Hell, I'm not a genius, but only an idiot would think that there isn't at least one trigger-happy psycho in a cold sweat to kill me.
Besides, they weren't shooting blanks when they chased me throughout the city and into this hotel.
*** Maybe you should have mentioned that earlier? About being chased into the hotel?
There only concerns were firepower and making the kill, recognizable or not.
*** Their
With no time to waste, I slip out and start walking, trying to pretend nonchalant.
*** nonchalance
Fatso from the stool, walks up, sticks his finger in my face and demands an answer
I stammer, "Uh-uh-uh . . ." but nothing comes out.
*** I'd drop that comma after "stool"?
As I step out of the cab in front of the terminal my phone rings. I hesitate, and then thinking what the hell, I answer.
*** He's still carrying a cellphone? Jeez. One of the first things I have done would be removing the battery to disable the GPS.
I will train . . . as if a mad man . . . and every minute will be to acquire the skills to kill that slimy son-of-a-BITCH.
Hmmmmm! Doesn't seem a way to inspire loyalty. However, I've seen other stories where killers are recruited that way ... including my own, he-he.
And there's my own favorite, the "Destroyer" series where the main character, originally a cop, is railroaded into a murder conviction. Then, on execution day, he's given a pill that makes him appear dead. When recovered, he's given a choice of working for a secret government agency or real death. That one worked out to over 300 pocket novels.
Charlie
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
|
"Staff your designated stations." Orders echo from the intercom and an additional system of loud speakers. "We presume the fugitive to be armed and dangerous. Have your weapons loaded and ready to fire, if necessary."
*** Doesn't sound right to me. Since he's been loose in the building for some time, now, with the building saturated with police, they would be at their stations by then. Besides, after that firing, they'd be expecting trouble. If I were in charge of the pursuit, I'd be more worried about my people milling around and shooting each other. Maybe the speaker should inform them that he was still on the loose and not taken down by the previous shooting?
Hearing that brings a chuckle, even in this situation. Hell, I'm not a genius, but only an idiot would think that there isn't at least one trigger-happy psycho in a cold sweat to kill me.
Besides, they weren't shooting blanks when they chased me throughout the city and into this hotel.
*** Maybe you should have mentioned that earlier? About being chased into the hotel?
There only concerns were firepower and making the kill, recognizable or not.
*** Their
With no time to waste, I slip out and start walking, trying to pretend nonchalant.
*** nonchalance
Fatso from the stool, walks up, sticks his finger in my face and demands an answer
I stammer, "Uh-uh-uh . . ." but nothing comes out.
*** I'd drop that comma after "stool"?
As I step out of the cab in front of the terminal my phone rings. I hesitate, and then thinking what the hell, I answer.
*** He's still carrying a cellphone? Jeez. One of the first things I have done would be removing the battery to disable the GPS.
I will train . . . as if a mad man . . . and every minute will be to acquire the skills to kill that slimy son-of-a-BITCH.
Hmmmmm! Doesn't seem a way to inspire loyalty. However, I've seen other stories where killers are recruited that way ... including my own, he-he.
And there's my own favorite, the "Destroyer" series where the main character, originally a cop, is railroaded into a murder conviction. Then, on execution day, he's given a pill that makes him appear dead. When recovered, he's given a choice of working for a secret government agency or real death. That one worked out to over 300 pocket novels.
Charlie
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
-
Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated as always. In part-1 you asked me how he got under the elevator. There was a paragraph that said it took him fifteen minutes to climb down below and beside it. I agree with your first question, except that, the cops are milling around waiting for the call to light up the shaft from every other floor with huge movie lights when they open the shaft doors. GPS is easily turned off on a phone, but taking the battery out is even safer. I have already fixed my other three blunders, just not before you got to it. Thanks a million, my friend, Ric.
-
Not necessarily blunders, Ric, but I tend to logical thinking and picturing a scene in my mind. If the picture is imperfect, I mention it in the crit. Sometimes, like the dimensions of the elevator, the mistake is in erroneous reading on my part. The main thing with that problem is that if I make such a mistake, others will. A little rewording will fix those problems.
Charlie
-
Yes, I listed the elevator as eight foot by six foot and eight inches. The six foot wasn't "by" eight inches, but since it was confusing, I changed it to, ten feet by eight feet. I added a line before he made reservations that says, I reinserted my phone's battery that was removed to disable its GPS. I always appreciate all the time you spend helping me and making suggestions, Charlie. I've got a long ways to go, but you have helped me tons from where I started. You and that damn Rat. LOL. Thanks a million, Ric.
Comment from c_lucas
Damned if you do and damned if you don't. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
|
Damned if you do and damned if you don't. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
-
You're welcome, Ric. Charlie
Comment from Jay Squires
You have an interesting plot and characters. I think I'd work on making the adversary more physically described.
There only concerns were firepower and making the kill, [Their, not there]
One wrong move and your brains will splatter like confetti in a fan." [Now that's a good, strong, vivid image.]
We will present your family a sealed coffin with a body . . . thought to be yours. [I don't think this is logical. At some point, when the body is to be buried, there has to be verification.]
This is a good fictional concept. Some logistical problems, as above, but solvable.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
 |
You have an interesting plot and characters. I think I'd work on making the adversary more physically described.
There only concerns were firepower and making the kill, [Their, not there]
One wrong move and your brains will splatter like confetti in a fan." [Now that's a good, strong, vivid image.]
We will present your family a sealed coffin with a body . . . thought to be yours. [I don't think this is logical. At some point, when the body is to be buried, there has to be verification.]
This is a good fictional concept. Some logistical problems, as above, but solvable.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
-
Thanks so much, Jay, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Actually, a dead body needs to be verified by next of kin or family; however, in the rare case that it's unrecognizable, an autopsy is completed and the casket is sealed. :-)
-
I recognize I'm no expert in that area, but I thought a death had to be reported and registered (all the legal stuff) before a funeral director would just bury a person in a sealed coffin. These are just random and uneducated -- common sense -- thoughts that I figured you needed to be aware of and investigate before your story reaches a larger audience.
-
The local coroner has to verify the cause of death, but in the occasion the body is unrecognizable, an autopsy is done to assure cause of death, and the casket is sealed. I only know this because of a childhood friend who was killed in a bus crash. I sincerely appreciate you bringing it up and I'm always thankful for your suggestions. Thanks, Ric.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Bravo! This is outstanding in every way. Love his clever escape, and the ending showed hope. This could be the pilot for a TV series! I have one six left, and as much as I like to keep one for Sixless Saturday, I have to lay in on this masterful story. :)
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
|
Bravo! This is outstanding in every way. Love his clever escape, and the ending showed hope. This could be the pilot for a TV series! I have one six left, and as much as I like to keep one for Sixless Saturday, I have to lay in on this masterful story. :)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
-
Oh, you sweetheart. I can't thank you enough for taking time to read my story and the generosity of your review and kind rating. :-)
