Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

Hello Ric,

Good job with the length - this is probably your shortest post. It's just right.

Great cliff hanger. Have to find out now, what happens next!

Nicely done, sir. A lot of tension an action here.

Happy Easter!

Until next time,

Sonali :)


Alone(no comma needed here) for the first time in my
life(,) afraid and desperate for a way

Thinking back to (but - I'd drop 'but) a few hours before as I sat mumbling drunk, feeling sorry for myself, and making excuses for the selfishness and disregard for others in my past(,) I struggled to tally the countless apologies that I owe(d).

the excuse to (overindulge), seems but

Intently as a mouse's ear .... this phrase doesn't quite make sense .... As intent as a mouse? (Are mice intent, tho'?)

Muddleheaded (no comma needed here) by having just outrun
an

suddenly overwhelmed (by) the sensation

Then, for an (instant), all is quiet

neither seems (a) viable (alternative) to

building to scale down, or jump, what does it matter(?)

ladder rungs(,) soft and cautious being quiet and careful

to tell them, when all they want to do is shoot first(?)

 Comment Written 17-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014

Sonali, dear sweet lady, it's always nice to get your reviews. I can't thank you enough for the time you spend pointing out my mistakes. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Happy Easter. :-)

reply by Selina Stambi on 17-Apr-2014

Oh dear .. pointing out mistakes .... I never meant to sound critical, friend - sorry! :)My pleasure.

reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014

No, Sonali, please, don't take it that way. I know my shortcomings. Heck, I didn't know a noun from a verb a few months ago. I appreciate every second you spend helping me to learn and get better. Hug, Ric.

reply by Selina Stambi on 17-Apr-2014

Just teasing .. :) :) (You fell for it!)

reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014

:-)

Comment from Leineco

Excellent

Definitely piqued my interest. Crisp writing - suspense -taut action - questions raised (unanswered as of yet).

Nice writing :-) I'm looking forward to reading part 2 :-)

 Comment Written 17-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014

Thanks so much, Leineco, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)

Comment from Munkysam

Excellent

This hooked me right quick! You did a great job of setting up a tense scene and pulling me in, making me go through the emotions of the main character. Such a frantic sense of worry. Very nicely done. Thanks for sharing. I wonder what part two will bring.

 Comment Written 17-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014

Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Glad you liked it. I think you'll find part-2 much more entertaining. :-)

Comment from GracieAnn

Excellent

Ric, this is well written from many angles. The originality is what I enjoyed most. The thinking processes of the main character are plausible and the readers find themselves rooting for the underdog for some reason. I want to read more. Great drama. Good job! :0 GracieAnn

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thank you so much, GracieAnn, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I apologize for the language. I don't like it, but I've repeatedly been challenged to get out of my comfort zone if I want to get better. If they want me to say anything much more realistic than this, I'll just have to give it up, or go to learning faith based poetry. Thank you my friend. :-)

Comment from Green Lake Girl

Excellent

Ric: Great start to your new story. Lots of action.

Love this:

" . . .with more mushy colors than a rotten tomato."

"Rogue agents." Sounds very intriguing. How rogue and what kind of agents? Looking forward to finding out.

Great summary of your character + a cliff hanger:

"I'm just a drunken private investigator who must have stepped in the wrong pile."

Some suggestions:

"There are few, if any, options and a strong unlikelihood of me mustering enough energy to escape." (Eliminate "if any". It's unnecessary as you soon introduce an option to the reader.)

" . . . right now at this very moment . . ." (Eliminate "right now". It's redundant.)

Looking forward to reading more, Ric. Great story.

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind word, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. I have made those corrections and couldn't agree more. :-)

reply by Green Lake Girl on 16-Apr-2014

Glad to have been of some help. I'm pressing on to Part 2 now! Entertaining story.

Comment from Emily George

Exceptional

Very enjoyable and filled with suspence.It will be a page turner but for now I'll scroll.
You have a fast paced read (for the heart).Oh to be stuck in an elevator with claustrophobia look forward to finding out what they are after him for and how he will escape.

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thank you so much, Emily, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and six stars are greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked it and hope you'll like part-2 even more. :-)

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

You paint an almost believable scenario. This is well written, I did not see any errors. There is a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thanks so much, Charlie, for taking time to read my chapter. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm just honored that a writer with your expertise takes time for us beginners. :-)

reply by c_lucas on 16-Apr-2014

You're welcome, Ric. This is a teaching site. Please visit the forum. I will be well worth your time. Charlie.

reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

I have looked under all the tabs, and was just wondering how and when can I get into the forum? This is the first I've heard of it. Thanks, Ric.

Comment from interminable_dreamer

Excellent

I want to read this book! Keep going. I love it! You captured my attention and held it to the very end. Thank you so much for sharing your talent.

Have a wonderful day!

-Arianna

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thank you so much Arianna for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I will posting part-2 today. Cheers, Arianna, with the beautiful name. :-)

Comment from emrpoems

Excellent

The main element of a story is to grab the reader's attention and you certainly did. lots of intrigue suspense and very intense. T hank you for a great read

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thanks so much for taking time to read my chapter. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated.

Comment from Zue65

Excellent

I definitely enjoyed the read, all the elements of an action-packed suspenseful story are present in this chapter, enough to arouse the readers' interest and ask for more. An excellent write indeed. God bless.

 Comment Written 16-Apr-2014

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reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014

Thanks so much for taking time to read my chapter. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. God Bless, Ric.