Red Rose-(Haiku)
what the red rose represents4 total reviews
Comment from Eternal Muse
A beautiful haiku and a phenomenal picture which warmed my heart. I see, this underwent quite a meramorphosis compared to the version I saw yesterday. I commend the changes, and now you have a perfectly formatted haiku with all the trimmings. Excellent satori in line 3.
Thank you for joining our contest, love, Y.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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A beautiful haiku and a phenomenal picture which warmed my heart. I see, this underwent quite a meramorphosis compared to the version I saw yesterday. I commend the changes, and now you have a perfectly formatted haiku with all the trimmings. Excellent satori in line 3.
Thank you for joining our contest, love, Y.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Thank you
Comment from The Death
Hi,
The red rose certainly is a symbol of love. It's beautiful to see a red rose blooming.
You have portrayed nice imagery here, but the second line does not seem to fit well here. The first two lines have to be grammatically connected and the third line is 'cutter' which provides an 'aha' moment.
buds open reveal
such a beautiful flower
symbolic red rose
The first line here completes an incomplete picture. Also, a 'to' is missing in that line. The words 'such' and 'a' do not impart any significant meaning to it and are just filler words.
One is supposed to effectively utilize each syllable in these shorter forms.
Consider an example:
buds open
to reveal delicate petals
symbolic red rose
Here, the first two lines present a complete picture. You don't have to stick to 5/7/5 format, as it can be written under 17 syllables as well.
Your poem is phonetically nice with excellent use of R alliteration and R,L consonance.
Beautiful presentation of your work, too.
Please let me know if you edit this.
Best of luck!
Kindest regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Hi,
The red rose certainly is a symbol of love. It's beautiful to see a red rose blooming.
You have portrayed nice imagery here, but the second line does not seem to fit well here. The first two lines have to be grammatically connected and the third line is 'cutter' which provides an 'aha' moment.
buds open reveal
such a beautiful flower
symbolic red rose
The first line here completes an incomplete picture. Also, a 'to' is missing in that line. The words 'such' and 'a' do not impart any significant meaning to it and are just filler words.
One is supposed to effectively utilize each syllable in these shorter forms.
Consider an example:
buds open
to reveal delicate petals
symbolic red rose
Here, the first two lines present a complete picture. You don't have to stick to 5/7/5 format, as it can be written under 17 syllables as well.
Your poem is phonetically nice with excellent use of R alliteration and R,L consonance.
Beautiful presentation of your work, too.
Please let me know if you edit this.
Best of luck!
Kindest regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Thank you
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Hi-I have edited-changed a couple of words-I actually like it better now.
Thanks again for your review
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You can't use a gerund in haiku. It is written in simple present tense. If you change it to
'open to', it will fit the bill.
You have a good one here. Glad you found the review helpful. I wish you all the best!
Warm wishes,
Anupam
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Hi thanks again for your help. I have changed it. It is interesting to write different kinds of poetry and it is good to learn about Haiku properly.
Comment from JeffreyVPerry
Everything is very well done in your poem as a haiku. It is in the form. You seemed to have expressed an image a flower being a flower and not really symbolic of much else. As a haiku theme it still could use more expression in my humble opinion.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Everything is very well done in your poem as a haiku. It is in the form. You seemed to have expressed an image a flower being a flower and not really symbolic of much else. As a haiku theme it still could use more expression in my humble opinion.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Thank you
Comment from simonbagh
I see the first line is more than 5, though it is a very delicate feeling that touches the heart, but I liked its them more
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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I see the first line is more than 5, though it is a very delicate feeling that touches the heart, but I liked its them more
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Okay that's embarrassing. I read it and read and it still did not occur to me. Thank you very much for your review. I have just corrected.
