Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 89 "CHAPTER NINETEEN; PART TWO"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
40 total reviews
Comment from Twilightspire
I love the tension you created throughout this piece. You really struck home with the use of dialogue in this, using it to ratchet the tension tighter with every passing sentence.
Uncle Amos's idiom was charming and easy to read and sound aloud. I enjoy it when it is well written, it adds so much to a character, and you struck gold with it in this chapter.
Now, we just have to wonder what kind of trouble Paige and Morgan got themselves into.
This chapter was a joy to read and a lot of fun. Keep it up.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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I love the tension you created throughout this piece. You really struck home with the use of dialogue in this, using it to ratchet the tension tighter with every passing sentence.
Uncle Amos's idiom was charming and easy to read and sound aloud. I enjoy it when it is well written, it adds so much to a character, and you struck gold with it in this chapter.
Now, we just have to wonder what kind of trouble Paige and Morgan got themselves into.
This chapter was a joy to read and a lot of fun. Keep it up.
-T.J.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review .
Comment from AprilShower
Barbara, you left off with Paige looking for Morgan. Now they are both gone. She felt cool air on her legs. Then there is a sudden point-of-view change in the next chapter.
Will we hear what happened after they find her and Morgan? We are left up in the air as to what happened.
April
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2014
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Barbara, you left off with Paige looking for Morgan. Now they are both gone. She felt cool air on her legs. Then there is a sudden point-of-view change in the next chapter.
Will we hear what happened after they find her and Morgan? We are left up in the air as to what happened.
April
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2014
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Maybe. I think they maybe in some serious trouble this time. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from judester
Okay, I am going back to the beginning. Great dialogue and you have created a real feel of atmosphere and believable characters. Bravo, Judester
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2014
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Okay, I am going back to the beginning. Great dialogue and you have created a real feel of atmosphere and believable characters. Bravo, Judester
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from Tina McKala
So, here I am. I comment almost solemnly on flow and point out some repetitions and things I am not sure about. Please, remember I am not an expert, all my suggestions are only suggestions. you are the writer it is up to you whether you use it or not.
This was a good tension builder, as I already told you, the characters came to life much more than in the previous chapters, and so did the scenes.
I think your main weakness is POV, during majority of the story it was not clear in whose head I was supposed to be. Or is this the god-like POV or something like that?
some parts - especially in the second scene read like a script. (where you wrote speech - 1 sentence action of the speaker - speech / 1 sentence action of the speaker - ...) - it was breaking the flow.
Suggestions:
1) Cash returned, and the lights were out in the house. // to avoid "and" consider: The lights were out when Cash returned to the house. - you will bring our attention to the lights right from the beginning, and we also will be able to imagine the scene better (I was told to try to avoid "and" as much as possible. Sentences without it are stronger, sometimes it is impossible to avoid, but in my example below where I rewrote your first paragraph you can see I didn't need any "and")
2) "Paige, Paige." // consider: "Paige! Paige!" - we will know that he is screaming her name, not only murmuring it under his breath; also consider putting it in a new paragraph
3) He hurried into the library and noticed the wadded up afghan and lifted it. // needs rewording, you use "and" twice in this sentence and it is not needed. Then you don't have to tell us that he "noticed" something - show us what he sees, we will know that as this is his POV, he sees what we see. I also wonder how he noticed it? Was there a faint light coming from the outside? Did he stumble over it? Did he have a flashlight?
Also consider joining points 3 and 4 - Screaming Paige's name, he hurried into the library. [just my two cents: give us a description of the room - everything was a mess, everything seemed untouched, ...., but the wadded up afghan.] As he lifted it, the Bookman journal fell to the floor. --- I don't try to rewrite it, just giving you an idea. The wording is up to you.
4) Flashlight // you overuse this word
5) As Billy Joe shined the flashlight he brought inside, he called out, "Paige, Cash. Where's everybody?" // do you really need to tell us that he brought the flashlight inside? It is obvious if he has it in his hands. What we don't know is where Billy Joe is? We've learned Cash came to the house, is Billy Joe also in their house or is he somewhere else? If you really need to tell us he brought the flashlight inside, where had the flashlight been before?
"Paige! Cash! Where's everybody?" - is he calling out also the last sentence? If not, I would emphasize it. If yes, then ignore this remark.
6) "It looks like they were in the library."
The three went to the library /// repetition of "the library"
7) Cash walked over to the open drawer. "It looks like she has a flashlight." He closed it. // sounds weird. Maybe put the action together and let him state what he found out after closing it, or simultaneously while closing it.
--- Cash walked to the open drawer, and closed it. [It was empty/....] "It looks like she has a flashlight." -- (beware of the word flashlight - my point 4 above)
8) Nala walked in with her arms full of grocery bags. "Boy, it's nasty out there." She paused. "What's wrong?"
"Paige and Morgan are missing." Mary Pat walked to her. "Let me help. The guys are searching for her. We'll be right back." The women left.
//// whose POV is this? The whole segment seemed like Cash's POV, but Mary Pat sounded like Cash and Billy Joe were not with her in the room now. Or were they there, only she wanted to make it obvious they were searching for Paige and she was only standing and doing nothing? (might be, I just wanted to bring your attention to it for the case it is not what you meant)
//// I also have a trouble with Nala's lines. "She paused" seems too abrupt. Where was she? Did she walked in the library? Did she paused in the doorway, as soon as she spotted them and their worried expression? How did the scene looked like? Sure her expression changed according to it. She seemed careless at first, then concerned - show us her shock (from Cash's POV, if this is his POV)
////There are many parts that read like a script, but "the women left" is too much �¢?�¢?? maybe you don't even need to tell us they left, as it is the end of the scene, her last remark tells us they were leaving, so unless you would want to state that something happened and they didn't leave, the readers would assume that nothing happened and they left, or you can actually put it together with the following sentence, even if you have a change of scenes suggested in your text (The women left, but came back within moments - it is not interesting that they left, the interesting part is that they returned).
9) Within moments the ladies returned. Nala walked over to the wall with the Bookman photographs on it. She bent down. "Isn't this one of the earrings Paige wore at lunch?" She held it up. // whose POV is this? (it is not clear during the whole scene) It needs to be reworded according to it. If it is still Cash's or somebody else's (not Nala's), then I'd suggest something like: Nala walked over to the wall with ..., when she frowned, and bent to take something small from the floor. "Isn't this...?"
But if this Nala's POV, then I'd go for something like : Nala walked over to the wall with ..., when she noticed something small/sparkling/ other description on the floor, and bent to take it. "Isn't this...?"
10) .Nala lifted her cell phone from her pocket. After talking for a few minutes, she said, // consider: after talking to somebody on the phone,.... But remember that she maybe addressed the Uncle, she might have said something like, "hi, Uncle, ..." - so in that case they would know who she talked to. If this is Nala's POV, she knows who she calls. If this is not her POV, then maybe let her leave the room for a minute, so the rest of the characters (and readers) wouldn't know who she talks to and what they discuss
11) "I'm not waiting. Billy Joe, let's look outside. Maybe we can find some clues." Cash left the room. His buddy followed. // speech tag comes too late, I would put it sooner, and to "his buddy followed" applies the same as to "the women left."
12) Billy Joe scratched his head and Cash shook his head, grinning. // repetition of "head"
13) and four other men jumped down from the bed // from a bed? (this might be that I miss some background info, so I only point out for the case it is a typo or something
14) Bradley Bookman's photograph began to sway. // unless the reader knows very well where the photo is (it was a strong element of the story), I'd emphasize it - just to draw your attention here for the case it needs emphasizing
15) and slid his hand. // where? Over what? The wall? The photo? - even if it becomes clear with the following action, put it there, you don't want your readers question it and stop reading in attempt to figure it out.
16) The eight men entered single file into the tunnel. "Holy shit! There really is a tunnel." Billy Joe's eyes widened. // Billy's speech should be in a new paragraph.
17) I would describe the tunnel - judging from the other reviews this is pretty important and shocking part, it might be interesting to see how it looks like - other than there are some spider webs. Is it a natural tunnel - are there rocks and soil (like after digging in the ground) or is it a tunnel like from a WW2 or...?
18) I need ya to find dat youn' lady. Now, go find her." Dog led the way. // I don't know much about dogs (and it might be that he is a special dog), but shouldn't he give him something of Paige, so the dog can learn the smell and know what he is supposed to find?
19) Amos stood in front of Bradley's photograph // I miss some transition between this sentence and the previous. It is a change of scenes, there should be something (imho) - at least I understand it in the way that he had returned to the library, but it is not really clear in connection with the following of the scene, where it seems like they all are close to each other, but actually some of them are far away in the tunnel.
20) two men helping dig coughed.
One of the men held up something. He coughed.// repetition of "coughed"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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So, here I am. I comment almost solemnly on flow and point out some repetitions and things I am not sure about. Please, remember I am not an expert, all my suggestions are only suggestions. you are the writer it is up to you whether you use it or not.
This was a good tension builder, as I already told you, the characters came to life much more than in the previous chapters, and so did the scenes.
I think your main weakness is POV, during majority of the story it was not clear in whose head I was supposed to be. Or is this the god-like POV or something like that?
some parts - especially in the second scene read like a script. (where you wrote speech - 1 sentence action of the speaker - speech / 1 sentence action of the speaker - ...) - it was breaking the flow.
Suggestions:
1) Cash returned, and the lights were out in the house. // to avoid "and" consider: The lights were out when Cash returned to the house. - you will bring our attention to the lights right from the beginning, and we also will be able to imagine the scene better (I was told to try to avoid "and" as much as possible. Sentences without it are stronger, sometimes it is impossible to avoid, but in my example below where I rewrote your first paragraph you can see I didn't need any "and")
2) "Paige, Paige." // consider: "Paige! Paige!" - we will know that he is screaming her name, not only murmuring it under his breath; also consider putting it in a new paragraph
3) He hurried into the library and noticed the wadded up afghan and lifted it. // needs rewording, you use "and" twice in this sentence and it is not needed. Then you don't have to tell us that he "noticed" something - show us what he sees, we will know that as this is his POV, he sees what we see. I also wonder how he noticed it? Was there a faint light coming from the outside? Did he stumble over it? Did he have a flashlight?
Also consider joining points 3 and 4 - Screaming Paige's name, he hurried into the library. [just my two cents: give us a description of the room - everything was a mess, everything seemed untouched, ...., but the wadded up afghan.] As he lifted it, the Bookman journal fell to the floor. --- I don't try to rewrite it, just giving you an idea. The wording is up to you.
4) Flashlight // you overuse this word
5) As Billy Joe shined the flashlight he brought inside, he called out, "Paige, Cash. Where's everybody?" // do you really need to tell us that he brought the flashlight inside? It is obvious if he has it in his hands. What we don't know is where Billy Joe is? We've learned Cash came to the house, is Billy Joe also in their house or is he somewhere else? If you really need to tell us he brought the flashlight inside, where had the flashlight been before?
"Paige! Cash! Where's everybody?" - is he calling out also the last sentence? If not, I would emphasize it. If yes, then ignore this remark.
6) "It looks like they were in the library."
The three went to the library /// repetition of "the library"
7) Cash walked over to the open drawer. "It looks like she has a flashlight." He closed it. // sounds weird. Maybe put the action together and let him state what he found out after closing it, or simultaneously while closing it.
--- Cash walked to the open drawer, and closed it. [It was empty/....] "It looks like she has a flashlight." -- (beware of the word flashlight - my point 4 above)
8) Nala walked in with her arms full of grocery bags. "Boy, it's nasty out there." She paused. "What's wrong?"
"Paige and Morgan are missing." Mary Pat walked to her. "Let me help. The guys are searching for her. We'll be right back." The women left.
//// whose POV is this? The whole segment seemed like Cash's POV, but Mary Pat sounded like Cash and Billy Joe were not with her in the room now. Or were they there, only she wanted to make it obvious they were searching for Paige and she was only standing and doing nothing? (might be, I just wanted to bring your attention to it for the case it is not what you meant)
//// I also have a trouble with Nala's lines. "She paused" seems too abrupt. Where was she? Did she walked in the library? Did she paused in the doorway, as soon as she spotted them and their worried expression? How did the scene looked like? Sure her expression changed according to it. She seemed careless at first, then concerned - show us her shock (from Cash's POV, if this is his POV)
////There are many parts that read like a script, but "the women left" is too much �¢?�¢?? maybe you don't even need to tell us they left, as it is the end of the scene, her last remark tells us they were leaving, so unless you would want to state that something happened and they didn't leave, the readers would assume that nothing happened and they left, or you can actually put it together with the following sentence, even if you have a change of scenes suggested in your text (The women left, but came back within moments - it is not interesting that they left, the interesting part is that they returned).
9) Within moments the ladies returned. Nala walked over to the wall with the Bookman photographs on it. She bent down. "Isn't this one of the earrings Paige wore at lunch?" She held it up. // whose POV is this? (it is not clear during the whole scene) It needs to be reworded according to it. If it is still Cash's or somebody else's (not Nala's), then I'd suggest something like: Nala walked over to the wall with ..., when she frowned, and bent to take something small from the floor. "Isn't this...?"
But if this Nala's POV, then I'd go for something like : Nala walked over to the wall with ..., when she noticed something small/sparkling/ other description on the floor, and bent to take it. "Isn't this...?"
10) .Nala lifted her cell phone from her pocket. After talking for a few minutes, she said, // consider: after talking to somebody on the phone,.... But remember that she maybe addressed the Uncle, she might have said something like, "hi, Uncle, ..." - so in that case they would know who she talked to. If this is Nala's POV, she knows who she calls. If this is not her POV, then maybe let her leave the room for a minute, so the rest of the characters (and readers) wouldn't know who she talks to and what they discuss
11) "I'm not waiting. Billy Joe, let's look outside. Maybe we can find some clues." Cash left the room. His buddy followed. // speech tag comes too late, I would put it sooner, and to "his buddy followed" applies the same as to "the women left."
12) Billy Joe scratched his head and Cash shook his head, grinning. // repetition of "head"
13) and four other men jumped down from the bed // from a bed? (this might be that I miss some background info, so I only point out for the case it is a typo or something
14) Bradley Bookman's photograph began to sway. // unless the reader knows very well where the photo is (it was a strong element of the story), I'd emphasize it - just to draw your attention here for the case it needs emphasizing
15) and slid his hand. // where? Over what? The wall? The photo? - even if it becomes clear with the following action, put it there, you don't want your readers question it and stop reading in attempt to figure it out.
16) The eight men entered single file into the tunnel. "Holy shit! There really is a tunnel." Billy Joe's eyes widened. // Billy's speech should be in a new paragraph.
17) I would describe the tunnel - judging from the other reviews this is pretty important and shocking part, it might be interesting to see how it looks like - other than there are some spider webs. Is it a natural tunnel - are there rocks and soil (like after digging in the ground) or is it a tunnel like from a WW2 or...?
18) I need ya to find dat youn' lady. Now, go find her." Dog led the way. // I don't know much about dogs (and it might be that he is a special dog), but shouldn't he give him something of Paige, so the dog can learn the smell and know what he is supposed to find?
19) Amos stood in front of Bradley's photograph // I miss some transition between this sentence and the previous. It is a change of scenes, there should be something (imho) - at least I understand it in the way that he had returned to the library, but it is not really clear in connection with the following of the scene, where it seems like they all are close to each other, but actually some of them are far away in the tunnel.
20) two men helping dig coughed.
One of the men held up something. He coughed.// repetition of "coughed"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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I have taken the time to make most of the corrections you suggested. Some I didn't because the previous posts hit the dead horse over the head numerous time. Thank you for the time it took you to thoroughly review this.
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This is the reason why I write - use or ignore -
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I just wanted to point out everything that might need fixing - just for each case.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Barbara.Wilkey,
Nice piece of Romance Fiction beautifully taking the story forward.
Wording is simple and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow.
Description of Persons, Places and surroundings is lovely.
The incidents of Disappearance of Paige and Morgan; Their search by all the members and dog; secret tunnel and its related things etc. are interesting.
On the whole - A Praiseworthy Attempt!
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Hello Barbara.Wilkey,
Nice piece of Romance Fiction beautifully taking the story forward.
Wording is simple and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow.
Description of Persons, Places and surroundings is lovely.
The incidents of Disappearance of Paige and Morgan; Their search by all the members and dog; secret tunnel and its related things etc. are interesting.
On the whole - A Praiseworthy Attempt!
Comment Written 02-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Aplgwest
A chapter filled with suspense and action. What more could one ask? Well done. I do suggest that in the "End of Previous Post" section that pelted is the usual verb for such a rain. Also, rather than two ings so close together, I suggest: ..crackle of a lightning strike close by...
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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A chapter filled with suspense and action. What more could one ask? Well done. I do suggest that in the "End of Previous Post" section that pelted is the usual verb for such a rain. Also, rather than two ings so close together, I suggest: ..crackle of a lightning strike close by...
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review
Comment from Writingfundimension
Terrific action in this chapter, Barbara. I'm really worried about Paige, and wish the group would let Bookman's ghost help more. Very well done, my friend.
:0) Bev
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Terrific action in this chapter, Barbara. I'm really worried about Paige, and wish the group would let Bookman's ghost help more. Very well done, my friend.
:0) Bev
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
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You're very welcome, Barbara.
Comment from barkingdog
It's good that Amos knew something about the house, or they'd have never found the passageway. You've built the tension up in this post, making the reader want to read more. I was ready to rush to the cemetery and find the other entrance. LOL
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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It's good that Amos knew something about the house, or they'd have never found the passageway. You've built the tension up in this post, making the reader want to read more. I was ready to rush to the cemetery and find the other entrance. LOL
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from pbroussard209
Great chapter. I really like uncle Amos. He is such a sweet character, he reminds me of a few people I have met living down here in the swamp. Another great ending leaving us wanting more.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Great chapter. I really like uncle Amos. He is such a sweet character, he reminds me of a few people I have met living down here in the swamp. Another great ending leaving us wanting more.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from Onixxiya
Your phonetic style for Amos' speech is different and instantly endearing. I continue to be amazed how, by releasing such snippets of your stories, you can entice readers so quickly. Already I'm asking myself about the Walkers and why the tunnel system was built. A pull through read - really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Your phonetic style for Amos' speech is different and instantly endearing. I continue to be amazed how, by releasing such snippets of your stories, you can entice readers so quickly. Already I'm asking myself about the Walkers and why the tunnel system was built. A pull through read - really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
