Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 88 "CHAPTER NINETEEN; PART ONE"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
37 total reviews
Comment from Zue65
You ended up the story, putting the readers on edge with the storm and the lights out, where it appears Morgan is nowhere to be found, and the lingering threat of the Walkers. All the elements or suspense were provided enough for the readers to wait for the next post. An excellent write.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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You ended up the story, putting the readers on edge with the storm and the lights out, where it appears Morgan is nowhere to be found, and the lingering threat of the Walkers. All the elements or suspense were provided enough for the readers to wait for the next post. An excellent write.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. I appreciate both.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Morgan found a good place to hide. Bet he finds the treasure! Barbara, it's a little thing, but Paige would ask someone to pass the peaches or blueberries, not the "fresh fruit". Just a thought. :) nancy
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Morgan found a good place to hide. Bet he finds the treasure! Barbara, it's a little thing, but Paige would ask someone to pass the peaches or blueberries, not the "fresh fruit". Just a thought. :) nancy
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I'll take another look at that area. Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from jadapenn
Are we building some tension here with everybody buzzing around on the roads and this terrible storm hitting town. Sounds like there's bound to be action before long. Now where did Morgan go? luv jada
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Are we building some tension here with everybody buzzing around on the roads and this terrible storm hitting town. Sounds like there's bound to be action before long. Now where did Morgan go? luv jada
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. We should have tea together.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I love this chapter.
My dog is scared of thunder and fireworks and will shake and cling to me for hours afterwards. Are you having warm weather there? We seem to have an inch of snow every 2-3 days. What is on the ground is dirty, gray to black. I am so very ready for spring~Debbie
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I love this chapter.
My dog is scared of thunder and fireworks and will shake and cling to me for hours afterwards. Are you having warm weather there? We seem to have an inch of snow every 2-3 days. What is on the ground is dirty, gray to black. I am so very ready for spring~Debbie
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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We are in the 70's and some days hit the 80's. My large dogs were afraid of storms, but this crazy little thing I have not isn't afraid of anything. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good afternoon:
You showed a certain vulnerability within Paige's strong character then her strength as she confronts the Walkers.
Now, what happened to Morgan?
out of 6's
Take care,
Ray
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Good afternoon:
You showed a certain vulnerability within Paige's strong character then her strength as she confronts the Walkers.
Now, what happened to Morgan?
out of 6's
Take care,
Ray
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. Don't worry about the six.
Comment from Tina McKala
WOW! What an ending! perfect cliff hanger!
the main problem I had with this writing was that it wanted to be more intense than it was. I didn't feel her fear, the awaiting of the storm was no big issue until the last three paragraphs. I wrote a few suggestions below, use or ignore as you think is the best.
The writing has a lot of potential, mystery, but as I said in teh previous review, the characters need to be given more of a depth. Try to make them real, interact. When we see teh rough action and hear them speak, we are not given their emotion, we have no reason to care about them. Show us what lies behind their action and words. Make us care and feel for them.
"It's humid." She paused a moment. "I need a shower." // what was she doing while she was pausing? what should I visualiyed in that moment?
I think everybody's up. // how does he know? has he heard noise in the house or something? it is paige's POV, does she heard a noise in the house? is it so late in the day that it is reasonable to assume everybody but her would be up?
an extended amount of time // that is how long? five minutes? half a day? tell us someting we can visualize
she went downstairs with Morgan by her side // how did morgan came into the picture? I would advise don't let your characters appeare out of nowhere - we were watching Paige looking out of the window until the doorbell rang. She went to look who it was, walked out of her room and here she ran into Morgan? the dog was happy to see her? oblivious to her? ...???
"I'm Paige Stevenson. How can I help you?" "You're the woman who murdered my son." Mr. Walker stood directly in front of her. // I felt like watching a parody or a bad comedy (no offense) -- Paige had heard who was coming, did she feel nothing about it? Why would she ask how could she helped them? you made her sound really dumb now and I believe it was not your intention. Also how did Walkers feel? Act? They must have been totally stressed, devastated, hatred and mourning must have been written all over their faces - you don't have to overdo it and exagerate, but give us something. This part was very heartless and unbelievable.
Mrs. Walker's finger shook as it lingered, pointing at Paige. // very nice detail!
What a way to start a day." // who says this? cash or her? from the way it is written both cases are possible
Cash held the chair while Paige sat. // held a chair or held a chair for her?
Cash held the chair while Paige sat. He asked, "Did everything go all right?" // I would connect the sentences, the speech tag sounds weird like this.
"Yes, Jason Monroe, my family's lawyer, should be contacting the Walkers as we speak. It should be taken care of in a matter of minutes. He's also filing a restraining order on them and all their associates. I shouldn't be bothered again. Mary Pat, would you please pass the biscuits and fresh fruit?" // give us some action of her, don't let her just say words with no emotional shade, no action, no nothing
You probably lost it," teased Cash. "The hardware store sent over the wrong varnish.
I need to take care of it." He took a bite of bacon. "Hmmm, this is good." // who is speaking in the secodn paragraph? Still Cash? this needs to be clarified.
Mary Pat stood. "I'll get started on some of the dishes." Paige helped. // needs more description. It reads almost like a script, not a story in a book
"I'll help. Then Billy Joe and I can do our running around. You haven't found the proof of insurance, have you?" Mary Pat glared at her husband. // put the speech tag closer to the beginning of the speech, this way it is not clear who speaks and the speech is a longer one - it spoils the flow
Paige petted Morgan // think of some other action she could do while being around the table - it was the only thing she did during breakfast and also during the lunch. It was repetitious, as both events happened close to each other and there was nothing interesting in between.
Finish your job." // who is she talking to?
"Boy, the wind's picking up. I'm glad everybody left early. This feels like a nasty storm's building. The temperature's already dropping. Finish your job."
Inside, Paige stood at the front door and looked south. It's really dark. // this sounds a bit repetitious, it doesn't work like gradation to build up the tension before a storm, more like repeating what had already been told. I would suggest to work on this part a bit more, you have a great material here, you can describe the scenario, the cold wind, dirt whirling on the ground, her wrapping her coat around tighter, maybe first lost drop, something - show us.
Paige patted his head. "It's okay. // she's petting the dog again
"This is as good a place as any to ride out the storm. They usually don't last too long // is she talking to the dog here? why is she so anxious about the storm? (if this is a part of the story, than ignore this note, but if it is not, I want to draw your attention to this) // why is she so scared? I mean, it is storm, you didn't give us any details that would make it special. You try to build up this tension, but I (your reader) don't see anything scary about it.
Tree branches blew into the house, causing Morgan to bark. Large limbs fell on the roof and the ground. The lights flickered off and on. // MORE OF THIS!
"I'm glad Cash insisted on keeping fresh batteries in this. The lights might go out." // this is an attempt to tell the readers taht fresh batteries are in. It doesn't sound natural when she says it. She can think it - it would make it more natural. If she feels the need to tell this to a dog, she must be freaky scared and then you should work on this moment a little more. Get us in her head, let us feel the fear. She probably would not be "saying" this, she would be "whispering" her breeathing would be shallow and irregular, she would sweat, she would be checking her watch
caused Morgan to yelp // you use this a lot - two paragraphs before this one you had something causing Morgan to bark - avoid the repetition. try to keep the characters (and dog) active. tell us what they do, not what something else is making them do.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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WOW! What an ending! perfect cliff hanger!
the main problem I had with this writing was that it wanted to be more intense than it was. I didn't feel her fear, the awaiting of the storm was no big issue until the last three paragraphs. I wrote a few suggestions below, use or ignore as you think is the best.
The writing has a lot of potential, mystery, but as I said in teh previous review, the characters need to be given more of a depth. Try to make them real, interact. When we see teh rough action and hear them speak, we are not given their emotion, we have no reason to care about them. Show us what lies behind their action and words. Make us care and feel for them.
"It's humid." She paused a moment. "I need a shower." // what was she doing while she was pausing? what should I visualiyed in that moment?
I think everybody's up. // how does he know? has he heard noise in the house or something? it is paige's POV, does she heard a noise in the house? is it so late in the day that it is reasonable to assume everybody but her would be up?
an extended amount of time // that is how long? five minutes? half a day? tell us someting we can visualize
she went downstairs with Morgan by her side // how did morgan came into the picture? I would advise don't let your characters appeare out of nowhere - we were watching Paige looking out of the window until the doorbell rang. She went to look who it was, walked out of her room and here she ran into Morgan? the dog was happy to see her? oblivious to her? ...???
"I'm Paige Stevenson. How can I help you?" "You're the woman who murdered my son." Mr. Walker stood directly in front of her. // I felt like watching a parody or a bad comedy (no offense) -- Paige had heard who was coming, did she feel nothing about it? Why would she ask how could she helped them? you made her sound really dumb now and I believe it was not your intention. Also how did Walkers feel? Act? They must have been totally stressed, devastated, hatred and mourning must have been written all over their faces - you don't have to overdo it and exagerate, but give us something. This part was very heartless and unbelievable.
Mrs. Walker's finger shook as it lingered, pointing at Paige. // very nice detail!
What a way to start a day." // who says this? cash or her? from the way it is written both cases are possible
Cash held the chair while Paige sat. // held a chair or held a chair for her?
Cash held the chair while Paige sat. He asked, "Did everything go all right?" // I would connect the sentences, the speech tag sounds weird like this.
"Yes, Jason Monroe, my family's lawyer, should be contacting the Walkers as we speak. It should be taken care of in a matter of minutes. He's also filing a restraining order on them and all their associates. I shouldn't be bothered again. Mary Pat, would you please pass the biscuits and fresh fruit?" // give us some action of her, don't let her just say words with no emotional shade, no action, no nothing
You probably lost it," teased Cash. "The hardware store sent over the wrong varnish.
I need to take care of it." He took a bite of bacon. "Hmmm, this is good." // who is speaking in the secodn paragraph? Still Cash? this needs to be clarified.
Mary Pat stood. "I'll get started on some of the dishes." Paige helped. // needs more description. It reads almost like a script, not a story in a book
"I'll help. Then Billy Joe and I can do our running around. You haven't found the proof of insurance, have you?" Mary Pat glared at her husband. // put the speech tag closer to the beginning of the speech, this way it is not clear who speaks and the speech is a longer one - it spoils the flow
Paige petted Morgan // think of some other action she could do while being around the table - it was the only thing she did during breakfast and also during the lunch. It was repetitious, as both events happened close to each other and there was nothing interesting in between.
Finish your job." // who is she talking to?
"Boy, the wind's picking up. I'm glad everybody left early. This feels like a nasty storm's building. The temperature's already dropping. Finish your job."
Inside, Paige stood at the front door and looked south. It's really dark. // this sounds a bit repetitious, it doesn't work like gradation to build up the tension before a storm, more like repeating what had already been told. I would suggest to work on this part a bit more, you have a great material here, you can describe the scenario, the cold wind, dirt whirling on the ground, her wrapping her coat around tighter, maybe first lost drop, something - show us.
Paige patted his head. "It's okay. // she's petting the dog again
"This is as good a place as any to ride out the storm. They usually don't last too long // is she talking to the dog here? why is she so anxious about the storm? (if this is a part of the story, than ignore this note, but if it is not, I want to draw your attention to this) // why is she so scared? I mean, it is storm, you didn't give us any details that would make it special. You try to build up this tension, but I (your reader) don't see anything scary about it.
Tree branches blew into the house, causing Morgan to bark. Large limbs fell on the roof and the ground. The lights flickered off and on. // MORE OF THIS!
"I'm glad Cash insisted on keeping fresh batteries in this. The lights might go out." // this is an attempt to tell the readers taht fresh batteries are in. It doesn't sound natural when she says it. She can think it - it would make it more natural. If she feels the need to tell this to a dog, she must be freaky scared and then you should work on this moment a little more. Get us in her head, let us feel the fear. She probably would not be "saying" this, she would be "whispering" her breeathing would be shallow and irregular, she would sweat, she would be checking her watch
caused Morgan to yelp // you use this a lot - two paragraphs before this one you had something causing Morgan to bark - avoid the repetition. try to keep the characters (and dog) active. tell us what they do, not what something else is making them do.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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I made most of the changes you suggested, but not all of them because if you had followed the story from the beginning, them some things would be clearer. Thank you for the time you took to give a thorough review. I appreciate it.
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I made most of the changes you suggested, but not all of them because if you had followed the story from the beginning, them some things would be clearer. Thank you for the time you took to give a thorough review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Sefiros
Nice buildup, but i think you should end the chapter with the discovery of what happened to Morgan. Ending the chapter the way you did leaves me a bit unsatisfied. Morgan's the real character in the story because he's the emotional support for Paige. Ending it with his fate (it reads as things will not go well for Morgan) brings about some closure and will constitute another step in developing Paige's character.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Nice buildup, but i think you should end the chapter with the discovery of what happened to Morgan. Ending the chapter the way you did leaves me a bit unsatisfied. Morgan's the real character in the story because he's the emotional support for Paige. Ending it with his fate (it reads as things will not go well for Morgan) brings about some closure and will constitute another step in developing Paige's character.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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There's a lot more that has to happen before Morgan will be found, that was just the lead up to action. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from pbroussard209
Awesome chapter, living in Louisiana I know these kinds of storms well. You did a great job explaining it. You left off in a great place, with the dog going missing just as the light go out. looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Awesome chapter, living in Louisiana I know these kinds of storms well. You did a great job explaining it. You left off in a great place, with the dog going missing just as the light go out. looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Than k you for the kind review and dropping by. The previous review didn't like me leaving off without finding Morgan.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
How's your son, Barbara - last I heard was
he'd been in hospital.
Cash and Paige have a good relationship.
Where's Morgan gone - you've left us wondering.
I'm back for a while - just come in from keeping
company with my friend next door - it's all been
such a shock for her.
Margaret
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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How's your son, Barbara - last I heard was
he'd been in hospital.
Cash and Paige have a good relationship.
Where's Morgan gone - you've left us wondering.
I'm back for a while - just come in from keeping
company with my friend next door - it's all been
such a shock for her.
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Steven doesn't need surgery, but is still healing. Thank you for asking. I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from AprilShower
I'm glad to hear your son is doing, well, Barbara.
I'm wondering what's going to happen next. Hope Morgan is okay.
I have no suggestions.
April :o)
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I'm glad to hear your son is doing, well, Barbara.
I'm wondering what's going to happen next. Hope Morgan is okay.
I have no suggestions.
April :o)
Comment Written 24-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. Steven is still healing, but almost back to normal.
