Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 87 "CHAPTER EIGHTEEN; PART FIVE"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
54 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thank for another great chapter of believable dialog. Your story give us readers a little bit of everything and gives such an even mix of action and romance. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank for another great chapter of believable dialog. Your story give us readers a little bit of everything and gives such an even mix of action and romance. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Zue65
Wow, I have been away for so long, and Savannah Love is still available for review. Yes, the story may have been extended far too long but I do enjoy reading your story of Cash and Paige. And I am really excited that I can still follow your story. God bless.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Wow, I have been away for so long, and Savannah Love is still available for review. Yes, the story may have been extended far too long but I do enjoy reading your story of Cash and Paige. And I am really excited that I can still follow your story. God bless.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I am glad you ar back and thank you for the kind review.
Comment from jadapenn
Oh, Barbie, this is such a lovely chapter. Cash is very concerned about Paige and I can feel the warmth in his heart. Well penned interesting chapter. You have a good story in this one. luv jada
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Oh, Barbie, this is such a lovely chapter. Cash is very concerned about Paige and I can feel the warmth in his heart. Well penned interesting chapter. You have a good story in this one. luv jada
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from Cogitator
For me, the depiction of a scenario through dialogue is much more effective than straight prose. Human emotion is rather lost without sharing. Good Job!!!...John
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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For me, the depiction of a scenario through dialogue is much more effective than straight prose. Human emotion is rather lost without sharing. Good Job!!!...John
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank youf or the kind review and encouraging words.
Comment from oliviastjames
I haven't commented on every chapter, but I have been following the story. Once again, I think you've produced a really strong chapter. The only criticism I could possibly give is that it's a tad bit heavy on the dialogue. It reads a bit more like a scene out of a screenplay than a chapter in a novel. Great job, though! I can't wait to read what happens next!
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I haven't commented on every chapter, but I have been following the story. Once again, I think you've produced a really strong chapter. The only criticism I could possibly give is that it's a tad bit heavy on the dialogue. It reads a bit more like a scene out of a screenplay than a chapter in a novel. Great job, though! I can't wait to read what happens next!
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I happen to like reading dialogue and many of my fans do too. I think it's a personal perference.
Comment from Tina McKala
This was well written, but it lacked descriptions and emotions, that is why I give 4 stars, because I think you could easily make this a much better piece taht would catch your readers by their hearts.
You list short actions and short speeches. This doesn't create a good flow, because you don't let us enjoy any of the scenes, you end them sooner than they could develop. I would say, slow down and let your characters think, feel, observe the other characters or surroundings. You don't have to go in details, but for example in the second part of this chapter it wasn't clear what was happening - yes, the pizza delivery guy came and they were given their food. Where did they sit? How it looked there? How was Cash feeling? He was about to go and talk to Paige, comfort her... I would like to see his thoughts, feel his anxiety. When a reader can feel the characters he can start to like them. Now I really don't know why I should I care for them (and this is not caused by the fact that I haven't read the previous chapters, it is because the characters at this point are flat, but it is something you can fix easily)
a few more spots:
Cash stared at the stairs leading to Paige's room and didn't answer. // I don't like that you are telling us he didn't answer when it is so easy to show it.
"Do you have a spoon?"
Cash handed Paige the spoon. // repetition of "spoon" - and you use this word quite a lot (or spoonful) in the last segment.
When Paige cried her final tear, she backed away. "Sorry." // this sounds too dramatic to me in the connection with the writing. You don't really show their emotions, only actions. When you write that she cried her final tear, it sounds like she had been crying for ages (I'm exagerating), a big cry. Maybe if her parents/siblings/love died, and she was hysterical, then I would like an expression like she cried her final tear, but not here, because she was crying while they exchange two lines, that could not have lasted long.
I hope you don't mind these my thoughts. I don't comment on grammar, that is not my strong side, but I believe flow and characters could be improved. These are just my opinions of a potential reader, I am no expert. I don't want to upset you, only point out things I think needs your attention.
As a rough draft it was very good, now give it depth and tension and it will be great :) the story line seems very intense.
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review 2 after your revisions:
it is much better than the first time i read it. it flew better and the characters were more alive and real. i enjoyed mainly the scene when the girls were explining cash that he needs the ice cram, a spoon and that is it. i mean, how do the men eat an icecream? lol
i haven't noticed repetitions, only in the first part cash was looking at the stair, then at the staircase and then he was still looking at the staircase - i'd suggest to show his inner fight, what was he thinking while staring? staring is not interesting, but what was happening in him, that is something else.
i'd also suggest to pay special attention to naration, make it more interesting, draw us into the scene. show us the surroundings and their feelings. also body language, mimics, gestures, tone of their voice. what do you pay attention to when you talk to somebody in person? it's not only words,it is the way they talk. words provide you only with 7% of information, don't take the remaining 93% away from your readers. with more description and naration you also will escape the "script curse"
Mary Pat set the phone down. // this sounds a little strange, because we didn't know she was talking to somebody on the phone. they were discussing meals. maybe tell us that she wnt to order it. just 1-2 small sentences
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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This was well written, but it lacked descriptions and emotions, that is why I give 4 stars, because I think you could easily make this a much better piece taht would catch your readers by their hearts.
You list short actions and short speeches. This doesn't create a good flow, because you don't let us enjoy any of the scenes, you end them sooner than they could develop. I would say, slow down and let your characters think, feel, observe the other characters or surroundings. You don't have to go in details, but for example in the second part of this chapter it wasn't clear what was happening - yes, the pizza delivery guy came and they were given their food. Where did they sit? How it looked there? How was Cash feeling? He was about to go and talk to Paige, comfort her... I would like to see his thoughts, feel his anxiety. When a reader can feel the characters he can start to like them. Now I really don't know why I should I care for them (and this is not caused by the fact that I haven't read the previous chapters, it is because the characters at this point are flat, but it is something you can fix easily)
a few more spots:
Cash stared at the stairs leading to Paige's room and didn't answer. // I don't like that you are telling us he didn't answer when it is so easy to show it.
"Do you have a spoon?"
Cash handed Paige the spoon. // repetition of "spoon" - and you use this word quite a lot (or spoonful) in the last segment.
When Paige cried her final tear, she backed away. "Sorry." // this sounds too dramatic to me in the connection with the writing. You don't really show their emotions, only actions. When you write that she cried her final tear, it sounds like she had been crying for ages (I'm exagerating), a big cry. Maybe if her parents/siblings/love died, and she was hysterical, then I would like an expression like she cried her final tear, but not here, because she was crying while they exchange two lines, that could not have lasted long.
I hope you don't mind these my thoughts. I don't comment on grammar, that is not my strong side, but I believe flow and characters could be improved. These are just my opinions of a potential reader, I am no expert. I don't want to upset you, only point out things I think needs your attention.
As a rough draft it was very good, now give it depth and tension and it will be great :) the story line seems very intense.
_-------------------------------------------
review 2 after your revisions:
it is much better than the first time i read it. it flew better and the characters were more alive and real. i enjoyed mainly the scene when the girls were explining cash that he needs the ice cram, a spoon and that is it. i mean, how do the men eat an icecream? lol
i haven't noticed repetitions, only in the first part cash was looking at the stair, then at the staircase and then he was still looking at the staircase - i'd suggest to show his inner fight, what was he thinking while staring? staring is not interesting, but what was happening in him, that is something else.
i'd also suggest to pay special attention to naration, make it more interesting, draw us into the scene. show us the surroundings and their feelings. also body language, mimics, gestures, tone of their voice. what do you pay attention to when you talk to somebody in person? it's not only words,it is the way they talk. words provide you only with 7% of information, don't take the remaining 93% away from your readers. with more description and naration you also will escape the "script curse"
Mary Pat set the phone down. // this sounds a little strange, because we didn't know she was talking to somebody on the phone. they were discussing meals. maybe tell us that she wnt to order it. just 1-2 small sentences
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2014
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Again, I made the changes. Thank you for the thorough review.
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i updated my review - it's glued right after the first review, in the same post as it is easier to comment there than in this small space
Comment from Tonulak
Dear Barbra,
Sorry that I've missed a bit, but this scene was very tender and very natural. It seemed just like what friends would do. You're doing a great job with this book--Ted
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Dear Barbra,
Sorry that I've missed a bit, but this scene was very tender and very natural. It seemed just like what friends would do. You're doing a great job with this book--Ted
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind reivew and dropping by.
Comment from Adri7enne
Ice cream has been known for solving many a problem. Paige has killed Walker in defending herself and Cash. It must be a traumatic experience to take a life, even in self-defence. Cash was right in wanting to be with Paige.
Good flowing dialogue. Well handled, and the story progresses towards it's climax and conclusion. Big job, barb. Is your mind already investigating the possibilities for the next one? Well done.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Ice cream has been known for solving many a problem. Paige has killed Walker in defending herself and Cash. It must be a traumatic experience to take a life, even in self-defence. Cash was right in wanting to be with Paige.
Good flowing dialogue. Well handled, and the story progresses towards it's climax and conclusion. Big job, barb. Is your mind already investigating the possibilities for the next one? Well done.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Thank you for the kind review. I tend to use ice cream myself.
Comment from buzclick
Very engaging story-line.
It drew me right into it. Good work.
I have read some of this story before and this flowed well into my mind's eye.
I have noticed the EE has been for the most part fixed, I don't have the infamous ??? plaguing my own post now.
Enjoyed the visit, good job on your story.
Thanks for posting.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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Very engaging story-line.
It drew me right into it. Good work.
I have read some of this story before and this flowed well into my mind's eye.
I have noticed the EE has been for the most part fixed, I don't have the infamous ??? plaguing my own post now.
Enjoyed the visit, good job on your story.
Thanks for posting.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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I don't have the ??? either, but I can't seem to get my reviews or replies on a regular basis. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from James Dooney
jesus the poor kid is starving and they feed him that haagen Daas Sh-t !?!?! gosh ! At least feed him ben and jerrys !!! Still good write up here !
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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jesus the poor kid is starving and they feed him that haagen Daas Sh-t !?!?! gosh ! At least feed him ben and jerrys !!! Still good write up here !
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2014
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LOL it's the best one I could find on Google images. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
