Me Chit's Overdue
A story/poem . . . or vice-versa. 368 words.41 total reviews
Comment from irishauthorme
Just a fin left-This is an intriguing tale, and parts are only too true. The hatred of the Irish and their ostracism in the late 1800's and early 1900's is true. My grandfather O'Connor could not find work and hired out as a prizefighter in underground rings viewed by rich English/Americans. Many Irish resorted to lives of crime just to feed their families.
This is a great, roaring traditional tale, good, solid verse full of the flavor of Irish Stew!
irish
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2014
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Just a fin left-This is an intriguing tale, and parts are only too true. The hatred of the Irish and their ostracism in the late 1800's and early 1900's is true. My grandfather O'Connor could not find work and hired out as a prizefighter in underground rings viewed by rich English/Americans. Many Irish resorted to lives of crime just to feed their families.
This is a great, roaring traditional tale, good, solid verse full of the flavor of Irish Stew!
irish
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2014
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Irish, thank you so much. I've always been fascinated by the lot that was extracted from Irish immigrants in this country. I guess all waves of immigrants endured similar indignities, but I think the Irish bore the brunt.
I'm glad you enjoyed, friend. Peace, Lee
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding characterization enhanced by diction and a strong POV. This reads like a song lyric, especially with all hose rest notes' in the ellipses effect.
Superb storytelling style.
Flawless meter with excellent enjambement and sooth flow.
Great rhyming - lie/apply, few/rue/due etc.
expect/ neck - good slant rhyme!
NOTES
Awesome phrasing here:
I?ve crisscrossed rough ridges . . . slid slick on thin ice,
and never sought evil I didn?t seek twice.
Fantastic consonance and alliteration of S and R. Sounds amazing read aloud.
*
They call me McDermot . . . a few stronger things.
But names is reserved for the folks who pull strings.
They call me McDermot...a few stronger things--
but names is reserved for the folks who pull strings.
*
and that won?t come honest . . . must come off the cheat.
suggest a slight change from THAT to WHAT:
and what won?t come honest . . . must come off the cheat.
Excellent consonance of V here:
They?ll pay through the liver to salvage his hide,
and we?ll skate off virgin . . . unchaste as a bride.?
Excellent alliteration of S here:
The three of us schemers soon bindled our snatch
Excellent alliteration of R here:
We called for a ransom to rankle a king,
Comes to a FINAL conclusion. :)
Almost a six.
Bravo~
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Outstanding characterization enhanced by diction and a strong POV. This reads like a song lyric, especially with all hose rest notes' in the ellipses effect.
Superb storytelling style.
Flawless meter with excellent enjambement and sooth flow.
Great rhyming - lie/apply, few/rue/due etc.
expect/ neck - good slant rhyme!
NOTES
Awesome phrasing here:
I?ve crisscrossed rough ridges . . . slid slick on thin ice,
and never sought evil I didn?t seek twice.
Fantastic consonance and alliteration of S and R. Sounds amazing read aloud.
*
They call me McDermot . . . a few stronger things.
But names is reserved for the folks who pull strings.
They call me McDermot...a few stronger things--
but names is reserved for the folks who pull strings.
*
and that won?t come honest . . . must come off the cheat.
suggest a slight change from THAT to WHAT:
and what won?t come honest . . . must come off the cheat.
Excellent consonance of V here:
They?ll pay through the liver to salvage his hide,
and we?ll skate off virgin . . . unchaste as a bride.?
Excellent alliteration of S here:
The three of us schemers soon bindled our snatch
Excellent alliteration of R here:
We called for a ransom to rankle a king,
Comes to a FINAL conclusion. :)
Almost a six.
Bravo~
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Thank you, rd, BUT WHERE'S MY FLECKIN' SIX? --kidding, really, I'm writing another tale an I'm in character. And I'm havin' a wee bit o' fun.
I can't tell you how many times I've vacilated between what and that in that particular line. Sometimes it reads one way, sometimes another.
I love that you found most of the little caches of alliteration and consonance most folks will miss.
BUT WHERE'S MY BLEEDIN' SIX?
Sorry, rd, I slipped into character again. Off me meds, you know?
Thank you for a great review, my friend.
Peace, Lee
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Hee hee...Here it is: ******!!!!!!
I love your responses, Lee - always entertaining!
Looking forward to your next character tale...
Peace and Love,
rd
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Sheesh, girl, that wasn't what I meant!
I don't know how to wink here, but you know I'm winking, right?
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Yep! *wink* *wink*!!
Comment from Narvik
Well, that's some pretty good chit, Lee. Rarely see a rhyming poem on here without a lot of contorted wording to shoe horn the rhymes into place, but every line here was relevant and fit well. You oughtta do more of these.
I wouldn't worry about the categorization. In fact, I did one of these a while back and listed it as a story, and got no flack for it.
Gotta go with a six on this.
~ Erik
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014
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Well, that's some pretty good chit, Lee. Rarely see a rhyming poem on here without a lot of contorted wording to shoe horn the rhymes into place, but every line here was relevant and fit well. You oughtta do more of these.
I wouldn't worry about the categorization. In fact, I did one of these a while back and listed it as a story, and got no flack for it.
Gotta go with a six on this.
~ Erik
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2014
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Hey, Erik, sorry this reply is so late. I love that you mention the shoehorning that goes on. Twisted Syntax--now there's a name for a band! I write one of these whenever the contest comes up. And they always come out sounding like an old Irish ballad.
I appreciate the Golden Galaxy.
Peace, Lee
Comment from Sasha
This is really very good. I like how you presented it and found the story quite engaging too. This is a great entry for this contest. I get lost when it comes to understanding the rules to poems so I won't even comment on them. I wish you all the best in this contest.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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This is really very good. I like how you presented it and found the story quite engaging too. This is a great entry for this contest. I get lost when it comes to understanding the rules to poems so I won't even comment on them. I wish you all the best in this contest.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Sasha. I'm glad you enjoyed my poem/story story/poem. Who knows? And I'm glad things are looking up for you. Peace, Lee
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Yes, I am recuperating very well.
Comment from BunnyS
I have to give you a six just for doing such a great job out of your comfort zone. Story tellin' is story tellin' and you do it very well, whether in rhyme or not. Excellent job and a very clever story as well. Dang! I can kiss another blue ribbon good bye!! :)
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2014
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I have to give you a six just for doing such a great job out of your comfort zone. Story tellin' is story tellin' and you do it very well, whether in rhyme or not. Excellent job and a very clever story as well. Dang! I can kiss another blue ribbon good bye!! :)
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Bunny. Secretly, I love this contest. But you're right, it takes me out of my comfort zone. I haven't been faring well in the contests recently, so don't kiss your prize money away yet. Thanks again, Bunny. Peace, Lee
Comment from Rainbowsofhappiness
An eloquent retelling of a life through poetry! I loved that the writer continually repeated the line "me chit's overdo" to stress the fact that this guys time is up. The devil may care attitude the character embodies is intriguing and the Irish brogue is perfect for this piece. The imagery in richly detailed and the story lends itself to the slow unfolding of detail after detail in this poem/story. The writer clearly executes a poem/story that leaves no room for misinterpretation. The poem/story is clearly laid out for the reader from beginning to end. The rhyming pattern allows this poem/story to flow seamlessly from start to finish, incorporating key moments of the characters life within its lines. From introduction of the character to his final demise this piece is artfully crafted, using descriptions that create clear images in the reader's mind. The excellent construction of this piece coupled with the fluidity and use of Irish accent to make it even more authentic is why it deserves the six stars I awarded it. Beautifully written!
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2014
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An eloquent retelling of a life through poetry! I loved that the writer continually repeated the line "me chit's overdo" to stress the fact that this guys time is up. The devil may care attitude the character embodies is intriguing and the Irish brogue is perfect for this piece. The imagery in richly detailed and the story lends itself to the slow unfolding of detail after detail in this poem/story. The writer clearly executes a poem/story that leaves no room for misinterpretation. The poem/story is clearly laid out for the reader from beginning to end. The rhyming pattern allows this poem/story to flow seamlessly from start to finish, incorporating key moments of the characters life within its lines. From introduction of the character to his final demise this piece is artfully crafted, using descriptions that create clear images in the reader's mind. The excellent construction of this piece coupled with the fluidity and use of Irish accent to make it even more authentic is why it deserves the six stars I awarded it. Beautifully written!
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Rainbows. I am humbled by your kind and detailed comments. I really appreciate that you seem to empathize with the character. You get it. I thank you again.
Peace, Lee
Comment from christianpowers
Hi,
A very good story, kept my interest and I liked that it was a period piece. The Irish accent came off sounding right, although I'm far from an expert, but I bought into it.
The poem, with its rhyme scheme and word choices, was okay, not great, but not bad. I thought the recurring mantra or 'chorus' make it sound more like lyrics in a song than just a poem. And, in the end, 'me chit's overdue' was a bit of an ugly sounding chorus. Maybe that's why the poetry never made it beyond average for me. I think a better sounding chorus might have made this easier on the ears.
It's still well worth reading for its story. Very entertaining.
Christian
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Hi,
A very good story, kept my interest and I liked that it was a period piece. The Irish accent came off sounding right, although I'm far from an expert, but I bought into it.
The poem, with its rhyme scheme and word choices, was okay, not great, but not bad. I thought the recurring mantra or 'chorus' make it sound more like lyrics in a song than just a poem. And, in the end, 'me chit's overdue' was a bit of an ugly sounding chorus. Maybe that's why the poetry never made it beyond average for me. I think a better sounding chorus might have made this easier on the ears.
It's still well worth reading for its story. Very entertaining.
Christian
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Christian. Yes, as a period piece, I wrote it as a ballad--a poem that might be put to music. I never claimed to be an above average poet or lyricist. Me chit's overdue is ugly.
But so is the story. Thank you again. Peace, Lee
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Hmm, it does sound genuine, though, ugly as that line is. I tried it with 'time' and 'day' instead of 'chit', and either sound better, but the poem kind of loses something. I guess 'chit' somehow gives it character. If only you could find some word full of character that doesn't sound so harsh. I got nothin'... Sorry, I'm not much of a poet.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This was very good. I enjoyed reading this. That's quite a story you told in this poem. Although, I must admit, I didn't expect him to hang at sunrise. I thought it was going in another direction.
I like that you repeated 'me chit's overdue' several times throughout. It not only served as a reminder, but also tied the piece together, giving it strength. I also like that your rhymes are real words. Sometimes finding the right word can be tricky and the need to 'invent' arises, but you didn't need to do that.
Overall, nice work. Good luck on the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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This was very good. I enjoyed reading this. That's quite a story you told in this poem. Although, I must admit, I didn't expect him to hang at sunrise. I thought it was going in another direction.
I like that you repeated 'me chit's overdue' several times throughout. It not only served as a reminder, but also tied the piece together, giving it strength. I also like that your rhymes are real words. Sometimes finding the right word can be tricky and the need to 'invent' arises, but you didn't need to do that.
Overall, nice work. Good luck on the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Suzanne. I too, have problems when poets twist syntax in order to rhyme. I'm a poor man poet. I keep things simple. Thank you again. I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from c_lucas
The Pinkertons weren't all that Law a'biding when it came to getting their man. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. You earned your sixer.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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The Pinkertons weren't all that Law a'biding when it came to getting their man. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. You earned your sixer.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much for the galaxy, Charlie. Yeah, them Pinkerton boys were rough and ready. Funny thing is, all the bullies I dealt with when I was growing up, joined the police force. It's a thin line. Thank you again, Charlie. Peace, Lee
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You're welcome, Lee. Charlie
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
Many great short story artist are also poets, or is that in reverse? It's a fun poem, dramatic, well written, as either, poem, or story, but formatted half and half: an ingenious compromise, I believe. I'm just shy one green four leaf clover, but I don't think it'll matter. Love it. Kenny
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Many great short story artist are also poets, or is that in reverse? It's a fun poem, dramatic, well written, as either, poem, or story, but formatted half and half: an ingenious compromise, I believe. I'm just shy one green four leaf clover, but I don't think it'll matter. Love it. Kenny
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Plenty of clover for me, Kenny. I really do enjoy this opportunity to mix prose with verse. Thanks so much for your very encouraging comments. Peace, Lee
