Gestation
Not all births are happy ones17 total reviews
Comment from ButterflyHana
Awesome story. I hope Denise will survive. The story held my interest from start to end and can't wait to read the rest...
Wish you all the best with the rest of the story... looking forward to it...
Thanks for sharing,
BHana.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Awesome story. I hope Denise will survive. The story held my interest from start to end and can't wait to read the rest...
Wish you all the best with the rest of the story... looking forward to it...
Thanks for sharing,
BHana.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much.
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Welcome!
Comment from mfowler
Brilliant finish!
I wasn't sure if this was 'the Bounty Hunter' or 'The noise' prompt; no matter, it's fast, taut, exciting and scary. Your story has an ending; but should be the beginning of something bigger and better. Great writing!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Brilliant finish!
I wasn't sure if this was 'the Bounty Hunter' or 'The noise' prompt; no matter, it's fast, taut, exciting and scary. Your story has an ending; but should be the beginning of something bigger and better. Great writing!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Lance. Good writing for the most part, good images throughout, like:
"Samuel looked over his shoulder at the child-like face of the girl he had spent the last hour speaking with. He didn't even know her age. He never thought to ask. He was so focused on getting any information that would lead him to Krisstoff that he had forgotten she was a real person, an innocent woman caught up in a sick and evil game. He looked down to the street below and saw his prey hobbling down an ally. If he jumped at that moment he would easily overcome the monster in seconds, but that meant turning his back on her.
However, this beginning is exactly the reason you should never start off a chapter with dialogue. You are thinking the readers already know who is talking from the previous chapter. Not always so, plus I went five or six or more paragraphs down and still didn't know who was doing the interview??
You need to re-establish setting and use a good "hook" to pull the reader in: "I knew I was in for an entirely new adventure when I interviewed the young lady: etc Something like that.
"He had more questions. (who did?)
Other suggestions: Adverbs (words ending in "ly" are the "weeds of good writing" per the experts including Stephen King. (The gun glowed dimly in his hand." Writers generally use adverbs unknowingly as crutches. Strong verbs will eliminate the need for adverbs. I only use about one adverb per chapter as a rule. I would go through this chapter and eliminate all adverbs by strengthening your sentences with verbs.
Lastly, when you think you are ready to post a chapter. take it in a room by yourself...no tv --no music-nothing and read it OUT LOUD to yourself. The key words here are OUT LOUD. You will be amazed, Lance at what you will hear. :) Good job overall...just needs some polish. Bob
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reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Hi, Lance. Good writing for the most part, good images throughout, like:
"Samuel looked over his shoulder at the child-like face of the girl he had spent the last hour speaking with. He didn't even know her age. He never thought to ask. He was so focused on getting any information that would lead him to Krisstoff that he had forgotten she was a real person, an innocent woman caught up in a sick and evil game. He looked down to the street below and saw his prey hobbling down an ally. If he jumped at that moment he would easily overcome the monster in seconds, but that meant turning his back on her.
However, this beginning is exactly the reason you should never start off a chapter with dialogue. You are thinking the readers already know who is talking from the previous chapter. Not always so, plus I went five or six or more paragraphs down and still didn't know who was doing the interview??
You need to re-establish setting and use a good "hook" to pull the reader in: "I knew I was in for an entirely new adventure when I interviewed the young lady: etc Something like that.
"He had more questions. (who did?)
Other suggestions: Adverbs (words ending in "ly" are the "weeds of good writing" per the experts including Stephen King. (The gun glowed dimly in his hand." Writers generally use adverbs unknowingly as crutches. Strong verbs will eliminate the need for adverbs. I only use about one adverb per chapter as a rule. I would go through this chapter and eliminate all adverbs by strengthening your sentences with verbs.
Lastly, when you think you are ready to post a chapter. take it in a room by yourself...no tv --no music-nothing and read it OUT LOUD to yourself. The key words here are OUT LOUD. You will be amazed, Lance at what you will hear. :) Good job overall...just needs some polish. Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Thank you, Bob. I will try that reading out loud. It sounds like a great idea.
There is no previous chapter and I did not want the reader to know who interviewing the girl until the baby was coming. That was done on purpose.
Thank you for the great ideas. I will use them.
JW
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Then I would say "The man asked or said etc. Bob :)
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It works so well, you are going to be in wonderment city, my friend! Bob
Comment from judiverse
Effective use of dialogue and lots of action. The Bounty Hunter presses Denise for information about who raped her. She says that he was not a man. She goes into labor before he can question her further about where he is, but after she has the mutant baby, Krisstoff is there. The Bounty Hunter wounds Krisstoff. The baby is dead but it looks like another is on the way. The magical Colt appears to have saved her life, but what of another monster. These are hard for me to read, as I'm not a fan of supernatural writing. Many are, so this should be a good contest entry. I was wondering if you need to use those words relating to unlike any sound at the beginning of the story. judi
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Effective use of dialogue and lots of action. The Bounty Hunter presses Denise for information about who raped her. She says that he was not a man. She goes into labor before he can question her further about where he is, but after she has the mutant baby, Krisstoff is there. The Bounty Hunter wounds Krisstoff. The baby is dead but it looks like another is on the way. The magical Colt appears to have saved her life, but what of another monster. These are hard for me to read, as I'm not a fan of supernatural writing. Many are, so this should be a good contest entry. I was wondering if you need to use those words relating to unlike any sound at the beginning of the story. judi
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Thank you, Judi. Supernatural writing can be a bit much, and all my supernatural stories are intertwined. I checked that and you use the words anywhere in the story as long as someone is saying them.
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You're welcome. Glad you checked, because sometimes those contest rules are pretty picky. judi
Comment from Jodah
Wow, this is a gripping story. Had me on the edge of my seat wondering what was coming next. Very well written, good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Wow, this is a gripping story. Had me on the edge of my seat wondering what was coming next. Very well written, good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much. Lots of stuff. Some of the character will continue that night's event in Red Penny Chapter 6.
Comment from Aiona
Yikes and away, that was violent. But I couldn't tear my eyes away. Certainly lots of conflict, mystery, and a hook. Gah! It's a good thing I haven't eaten prior to reading that. My only critique was the mention of the "vibrations in his coat." Never followed up on that. Cellphone? Oh, second critique: The part about "In the days to come he would leave his post at Mercy General. He would never practice medicine again, not legally." It leads us somewhere, and then back into the scene. The scene is so fast paced that interjecting that tidbit really slows it down. Perhaps there is a better place for it within the piece?
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Yikes and away, that was violent. But I couldn't tear my eyes away. Certainly lots of conflict, mystery, and a hook. Gah! It's a good thing I haven't eaten prior to reading that. My only critique was the mention of the "vibrations in his coat." Never followed up on that. Cellphone? Oh, second critique: The part about "In the days to come he would leave his post at Mercy General. He would never practice medicine again, not legally." It leads us somewhere, and then back into the scene. The scene is so fast paced that interjecting that tidbit really slows it down. Perhaps there is a better place for it within the piece?
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Aiona. You are correct. I just assumed most readers were familiar with how the Colt works for the Bounty Hunter. My bad. You are also right about that line, it may have been placed at somewhere near the end. It was meant to lead the reader. The events in my Supernatural Universe are connected. Sometimes I forget about new readers.
Comment from Twilightspire
Excellent! The return of Samuel, to FS at least. :) I love Samuel as a character and the voice you use to tell his stories is so distinctive and real. The language you use imparts the scene perfectly with no-holds-barred storytelling and truly fantastic action sequences to dialogue so real that you have to wonder if you aren't actually witnessing it, this story is by far the perfect addition to the Bounty Hunter legend.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Excellent! The return of Samuel, to FS at least. :) I love Samuel as a character and the voice you use to tell his stories is so distinctive and real. The language you use imparts the scene perfectly with no-holds-barred storytelling and truly fantastic action sequences to dialogue so real that you have to wonder if you aren't actually witnessing it, this story is by far the perfect addition to the Bounty Hunter legend.
-T.J.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much. Actually this his 2nd story this year. An Unnatural Bounty, I wrote on the 1st. It's still listed if you want to read it. That one is an earlier tale from over a 100 years ago, when was a new BH. But both these tale have effects on the Red Penny storyline.
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Arrrgh. I must have missed that one. I've been held hostage by the holiday elves. Lol. I take a look at it. Thanks!
Comment from pbroussard209
I was wandering what happened to the hunter. I'm glad to see him make a comeback. This was a crazy chapter I loved every word of it, and can't wait to see what happens next. What is she having a litter? God I hope not. lol
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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I was wandering what happened to the hunter. I'm glad to see him make a comeback. This was a crazy chapter I loved every word of it, and can't wait to see what happens next. What is she having a litter? God I hope not. lol
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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LOL. Thank you. I originally had her having only one, but I thought, what cat only has one kitten. Plus, I had a use for that baby and for Doctor Martin in the Red Penny saga.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This is excellent, and it is very well written. It grabbed my attention immediately, and I stayed focused straight through to the end. This flowed well from one part to the next, and was easy to follow and understand. It did not require any re-reading for clarification. The dialogue was believable and did not feel forced or fake. The story itself was believable.
Overall, nicely done. You write very well. Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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This is excellent, and it is very well written. It grabbed my attention immediately, and I stayed focused straight through to the end. This flowed well from one part to the next, and was easy to follow and understand. It did not require any re-reading for clarification. The dialogue was believable and did not feel forced or fake. The story itself was believable.
Overall, nicely done. You write very well. Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much.
JW
Comment from Silent1rose
Wow!! She's having twins! Have you posted chapters 4-7 yet? I have to make sure I don't miss any chapters of the bounty hunter and red penny. This was great! I'm left with so many questions that I'm sure will be answered soon. ~ Rose
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Wow!! She's having twins! Have you posted chapters 4-7 yet? I have to make sure I don't miss any chapters of the bounty hunter and red penny. This was great! I'm left with so many questions that I'm sure will be answered soon. ~ Rose
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you. I only have one more thing I can post today, so I'll do one today and another tomorrow.
