Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 67 "CHAPTER 14: PART FOUR"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
64 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
LOL A good long soak in a bubble bath takes care of everything. After five hours Cash shows up. I'd be angry.
I enjoyed Paige's internal dialogue.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2013
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LOL A good long soak in a bubble bath takes care of everything. After five hours Cash shows up. I'd be angry.
I enjoyed Paige's internal dialogue.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barb. I am liking this story more and more. LOL
It is a great romance I think...at least I see it that way.
May I suggest: "Paige picked up the remote control" (Use the pronoun "she" here as you just used the proper name "Paige" in the previous lines. (always a good idea to alternate whenever if is possible without looking goofy, I mean)
Also: I would re-write this paragraph, perhaps:
Sure she had awakened every few seconds, Paige stretched. Hmm, the water got cool fast. Stepping from the tub, she dried, and put on the fluffy white terrycloth robe the hotel had provided. She glanced at her watch. "Five o'clock. I guess I slept more than I thought." She ran from the bathroom and scanned the room. No Cash.
(You never want to use more than one adjective ...two at most in describing something or someone. Hence you have "fluffy, white and terrycloth all together. Pick the one you want most.)
"Awakened every few seconds, Paige stretched and stood up. The water had cooled off. She dried off and put on the terrycloth robe. Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was five o'clock--later than she thought.)
Good writing overall, Barb...but you know that. bob
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Hi, Barb. I am liking this story more and more. LOL
It is a great romance I think...at least I see it that way.
May I suggest: "Paige picked up the remote control" (Use the pronoun "she" here as you just used the proper name "Paige" in the previous lines. (always a good idea to alternate whenever if is possible without looking goofy, I mean)
Also: I would re-write this paragraph, perhaps:
Sure she had awakened every few seconds, Paige stretched. Hmm, the water got cool fast. Stepping from the tub, she dried, and put on the fluffy white terrycloth robe the hotel had provided. She glanced at her watch. "Five o'clock. I guess I slept more than I thought." She ran from the bathroom and scanned the room. No Cash.
(You never want to use more than one adjective ...two at most in describing something or someone. Hence you have "fluffy, white and terrycloth all together. Pick the one you want most.)
"Awakened every few seconds, Paige stretched and stood up. The water had cooled off. She dried off and put on the terrycloth robe. Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was five o'clock--later than she thought.)
Good writing overall, Barb...but you know that. bob
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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I have a question about your first suggestion. I was told by my editor not to use pronouns unless absolutely necessary; that they are over used. Oh DEAR!!!! Anyway, I appreciate your help and review.
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Well, just think how it would sound and look if you used no pronouns and only proper names all the time...that's why I said think about alternating for the better flow...just a suggestion of course, Barb. Bob :)
Comment from The Ghostwriter
I enjoyed your chapter. The tension was palpable, and made better by the short sentences. I kept wondering what was going to happen next. It's good that you kept the reader hanging on the romance thing.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2013
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I enjoyed your chapter. The tension was palpable, and made better by the short sentences. I kept wondering what was going to happen next. It's good that you kept the reader hanging on the romance thing.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
love the picture, I'm a leg man :)
I haven't been keeping up chapter by chapter, always squeezing time for an extra few minutes in a day.
There wasn't any SPAG issues that jumped out, but you know I'm not the best SPAG hunter.
Your writing has definitely improved although it's following a kind of formula seen in most romantic fiction.
Anybody who has read more than one novel would know most chapters don't stand alone, so there should be no confusion there.
Couple things to consider: your paragraphs all seem to have about the same length. You need to vary them. Short, long, medium, short-long, etc.
You're still starting narrative lines with ING words. By now you should be conditioned not to do that.
Also, you continue to divide chapters into four parts. If each of those parts are as long as this segment, then together, they're too long for a well-paced read.
Most of your reviewers aren't picking up on these problems and you're not fixing them.
If you're segmenting chapters to please FS readers, it's a mistake. It winds up piling on a lot of extra work when you reformat for submission. Make the project easy for you, not reviewers.
Forgive me for being critical, but you've been working on this novel for a long time, and certain mistakes are being repeated. I jump in every few chapters and find the same errors and it's hard to understand why.
What's happening with your other books? You should've had editorial feedback by now.
Just curious.
Take care.
Ted
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2013
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Hi Barbara :)
love the picture, I'm a leg man :)
I haven't been keeping up chapter by chapter, always squeezing time for an extra few minutes in a day.
There wasn't any SPAG issues that jumped out, but you know I'm not the best SPAG hunter.
Your writing has definitely improved although it's following a kind of formula seen in most romantic fiction.
Anybody who has read more than one novel would know most chapters don't stand alone, so there should be no confusion there.
Couple things to consider: your paragraphs all seem to have about the same length. You need to vary them. Short, long, medium, short-long, etc.
You're still starting narrative lines with ING words. By now you should be conditioned not to do that.
Also, you continue to divide chapters into four parts. If each of those parts are as long as this segment, then together, they're too long for a well-paced read.
Most of your reviewers aren't picking up on these problems and you're not fixing them.
If you're segmenting chapters to please FS readers, it's a mistake. It winds up piling on a lot of extra work when you reformat for submission. Make the project easy for you, not reviewers.
Forgive me for being critical, but you've been working on this novel for a long time, and certain mistakes are being repeated. I jump in every few chapters and find the same errors and it's hard to understand why.
What's happening with your other books? You should've had editorial feedback by now.
Just curious.
Take care.
Ted
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. I am doing my final edit now.
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Okay, good luck with it :)
Comment from Gungalo
Okay, where'd he go to all night long? LOL Paige was worried sick and couldn't get out to look for him. Sigh, he had better have a real good excuse.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Okay, where'd he go to all night long? LOL Paige was worried sick and couldn't get out to look for him. Sigh, he had better have a real good excuse.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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I am hoping he has a good excuse, but what would a good excuse be? Maybe he was abducted my aliens. Thank you for the kind review.
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I doubt it girlie. You know exactly where he was,don't yoooooooou?
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Barb looks like Paige didn't know what to do with herself after Cash mysteriously took off
She didn't even' know how to relax getting ready to take her leisure bath
Love the ending when Cash finally returned.
Gert
she coul
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Hi Barb looks like Paige didn't know what to do with herself after Cash mysteriously took off
She didn't even' know how to relax getting ready to take her leisure bath
Love the ending when Cash finally returned.
Gert
she coul
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from judiverse
Wonderful chapter. There's a lot of suspense with Paige wondering what has happened to Cash. Sounds like Paige didn't plan very carefully, as she left her clothes and purse with Mary Pat. Enjoyed the interruptions that occurred, with Paige anticipating that it would be Cash returning. What has he been up to, by the way? Still no word on whether those who've been breaking into Paige's house fell for the trap. Definitely a six star trip. judi
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Wonderful chapter. There's a lot of suspense with Paige wondering what has happened to Cash. Sounds like Paige didn't plan very carefully, as she left her clothes and purse with Mary Pat. Enjoyed the interruptions that occurred, with Paige anticipating that it would be Cash returning. What has he been up to, by the way? Still no word on whether those who've been breaking into Paige's house fell for the trap. Definitely a six star trip. judi
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and stopping by.
Comment from abbasjoy
Well, things are finally coming together between Cash and Paige. I really hand it to Cash for being such a gentleman and not staying alone in the same room as Paige.
It's been a long time in coming, but my guess is that he wants to do things right and proper.
Good for Billy Joe and Mary Pat, who finally got their honeymoon. Paige has such a good heart.
Now they are all looking forward to catching that thief. The suspense is great.
Excellent post, with just the right amount of suspense, as everyone is left wondering where Cash has been all night, and who are the thieves.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Well, things are finally coming together between Cash and Paige. I really hand it to Cash for being such a gentleman and not staying alone in the same room as Paige.
It's been a long time in coming, but my guess is that he wants to do things right and proper.
Good for Billy Joe and Mary Pat, who finally got their honeymoon. Paige has such a good heart.
Now they are all looking forward to catching that thief. The suspense is great.
Excellent post, with just the right amount of suspense, as everyone is left wondering where Cash has been all night, and who are the thieves.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from country ranch writer
well that was a great welcome back wonder where he was for all that time hum maybe he was just wandering around trying to figure things out?
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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well that was a great welcome back wonder where he was for all that time hum maybe he was just wandering around trying to figure things out?
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
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welcome
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
I think there's no longer any doubt that Paige has fallen for Cash. I think he must feel the same about her, but then why did he run out and leave her alone to wonder and fret all night long.
I think Cash ran out on Paige, because he felt he couldn't couldn't contain his passion with Paige in that sexy tee shirt. Didn't he realize Paige had dressed down and set the stage for a whole lot more than he expected.
It's just like a worried woman to jump into her boyfriend's arms and then slap him to show displeasure at his hasty exit and night away,
Will Cash ever learn to read women? He just needs to give her his love and spome strong Irish Hugs.
Roger
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Hi Barbara:)
I think there's no longer any doubt that Paige has fallen for Cash. I think he must feel the same about her, but then why did he run out and leave her alone to wonder and fret all night long.
I think Cash ran out on Paige, because he felt he couldn't couldn't contain his passion with Paige in that sexy tee shirt. Didn't he realize Paige had dressed down and set the stage for a whole lot more than he expected.
It's just like a worried woman to jump into her boyfriend's arms and then slap him to show displeasure at his hasty exit and night away,
Will Cash ever learn to read women? He just needs to give her his love and spome strong Irish Hugs.
Roger
Comment Written 27-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review. I wonder about Cash. I can't wait to see what his explanation is.
