Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 65 "CHAPTER 14: PART TWO"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
70 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the gang prepares to head for the ballgame and set up the surveilance camera. i enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the gang prepares to head for the ballgame and set up the surveilance camera. i enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Tessa Kay
So the action starts. It'll be interesting to see what happens. Here's a few notes you may find helpful.
-ballgame - two words ball game
-Both women turned their heads... sequence is not right. The knock on the door comes first. I know, it's a petty point, but anything that may throw the reader, if even momentarily, stops the flow.
-asked Mary Pat. 'Self-editing for fiction writers' page 91: "Place the name or pronoun first (Mary Pat asked). Reversing the two, though often done, is less professional. It has a slightly old-fashioned..flavour." Many other books on writing agree. Leave it up to you.
- Why would she step outside after answering the door? Generally, people stay in their house. -Small point. Just something I noticed.
- Twice 'handed' in close proximity. Change up?
- I found the last part of the dialogue a little confusing. There is also a very quick transition to being in the SUV.
Somehow I'm missing description. Can you put the reader a little better into the scene? Where was the SUV? What happened to the man who brought it? How did he make the photo copies he came for, or did he? Can you describe him at least a little? He is totally faceless. I don't know if it's realistic, that he brought the car. How does he get back himself? Normally you pick up a car at the car rental agency. If you want to avoid going into all that, just say, she went to the door and came back with the key that someone had dropped over to them. The rest doesn't do much to your plot anyway and you can probably cut it out. Whatever you think.
I like the dialogue between the characters. It has a nice light feel to it.
Hope some of this was helpful. Pick and choose whatever you're comfortable with. They're just suggestions.
:) Tessa
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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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So the action starts. It'll be interesting to see what happens. Here's a few notes you may find helpful.
-ballgame - two words ball game
-Both women turned their heads... sequence is not right. The knock on the door comes first. I know, it's a petty point, but anything that may throw the reader, if even momentarily, stops the flow.
-asked Mary Pat. 'Self-editing for fiction writers' page 91: "Place the name or pronoun first (Mary Pat asked). Reversing the two, though often done, is less professional. It has a slightly old-fashioned..flavour." Many other books on writing agree. Leave it up to you.
- Why would she step outside after answering the door? Generally, people stay in their house. -Small point. Just something I noticed.
- Twice 'handed' in close proximity. Change up?
- I found the last part of the dialogue a little confusing. There is also a very quick transition to being in the SUV.
Somehow I'm missing description. Can you put the reader a little better into the scene? Where was the SUV? What happened to the man who brought it? How did he make the photo copies he came for, or did he? Can you describe him at least a little? He is totally faceless. I don't know if it's realistic, that he brought the car. How does he get back himself? Normally you pick up a car at the car rental agency. If you want to avoid going into all that, just say, she went to the door and came back with the key that someone had dropped over to them. The rest doesn't do much to your plot anyway and you can probably cut it out. Whatever you think.
I like the dialogue between the characters. It has a nice light feel to it.
Hope some of this was helpful. Pick and choose whatever you're comfortable with. They're just suggestions.
:) Tessa
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
Hummm, well, they've set the stage for the catch but did they leave their cars to where they would be seen and spoil the plan? Good chapter. God loves you and so do we.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Hummm, well, they've set the stage for the catch but did they leave their cars to where they would be seen and spoil the plan? Good chapter. God loves you and so do we.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from mumsyone
Interesting chapter, Barbara. It will be interesting to see if the cameras work.
"Mary Pat, do you know where Cash and Billy Joe are.(?) We need a copy (copies) of their drivers' license (licenses).
How close to leaving are you two.(?)"
What's taken (takin') him so long?"
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Interesting chapter, Barbara. It will be interesting to see if the cameras work.
"Mary Pat, do you know where Cash and Billy Joe are.(?) We need a copy (copies) of their drivers' license (licenses).
How close to leaving are you two.(?)"
What's taken (takin') him so long?"
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for catching those. I changed it at the last second and did a lousy job of it.
Comment from Gungalo
Oooh I hope this works. GOing to a game and not thinking about the house is really a bold thing to do. But, hopefully the cameras will catch any kind of action that might go on.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Oooh I hope this works. GOing to a game and not thinking about the house is really a bold thing to do. But, hopefully the cameras will catch any kind of action that might go on.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
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Smiling at you.
Comment from c_lucas
An old cabbie's trick. Outside mirrors for driving. Inside mirror to keep an eye on the back seat. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Some of the Southern Belles will make Paige look overdresses.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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An old cabbie's trick. Outside mirrors for driving. Inside mirror to keep an eye on the back seat. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Some of the Southern Belles will make Paige look overdresses.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from N.K. Wagner
The gang is doing the police's job for them. I wonder who they'll catch in their trap. Why is Chase so concerned about the SUV? It's expensive and comfortable and he's not paying for it. :D Well done, Barbara. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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The gang is doing the police's job for them. I wonder who they'll catch in their trap. Why is Chase so concerned about the SUV? It's expensive and comfortable and he's not paying for it. :D Well done, Barbara. :) Nancy
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. Cash likes to do things his way.
Comment from Sasha
This was an entertaining post. I like the sarcastic dialogue between Cash, Billy and Paige. Great work with this one. Now we just have to wait and see if the plan works. I hope it does.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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This was an entertaining post. I like the sarcastic dialogue between Cash, Billy and Paige. Great work with this one. Now we just have to wait and see if the plan works. I hope it does.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
Comment from rama devi
Your true-to-life dialog enhances characterization and carries the story along at a swift pace, making it easy to read and get drawn in to. The sentence construction in narrative is good, though I've love to see a bit more of it. However, I am aware this genre relies heavily on dialog--and you do that well. The use of action tags here and there helps enliven the scene.
hard to comment on plot with such short chapter sections. :)
Couple of spags
*
"Somehow(,) I'm not surprised. How close to leaving are you two.(?)"
*
After you all get outside(,) I'll set the motion detectors.
Warm smiles,
rd
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Your true-to-life dialog enhances characterization and carries the story along at a swift pace, making it easy to read and get drawn in to. The sentence construction in narrative is good, though I've love to see a bit more of it. However, I am aware this genre relies heavily on dialog--and you do that well. The use of action tags here and there helps enliven the scene.
hard to comment on plot with such short chapter sections. :)
Couple of spags
*
"Somehow(,) I'm not surprised. How close to leaving are you two.(?)"
*
After you all get outside(,) I'll set the motion detectors.
Warm smiles,
rd
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. I will get right on those.
Comment from lindalcreel
I have no doubt that Paige and Cash are going to become even closer. I sure hope that there plan works, it it doesn't , it won't be for lack of trying. There's somebody in that town that is either trying to scare them away, or wants to recover something they think belongs to them. Great chapter. Can't wait for the next. Thanks for sharing.
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reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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I have no doubt that Paige and Cash are going to become even closer. I sure hope that there plan works, it it doesn't , it won't be for lack of trying. There's somebody in that town that is either trying to scare them away, or wants to recover something they think belongs to them. Great chapter. Can't wait for the next. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by.
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Welcome:)
