He Really gets into His Work
A mutilating maniac is loose!57 total reviews
Comment from poet.wayne
Freakin awesome, dude! This has to be the best thing I've read of yours... I assume you've been working on this for awhile? the writing itself is just so well done, plus the presentation, the pictures... needs to be something higher than a six!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Freakin awesome, dude! This has to be the best thing I've read of yours... I assume you've been working on this for awhile? the writing itself is just so well done, plus the presentation, the pictures... needs to be something higher than a six!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Thanks, Wayne, I appreciate that, coming from you!
I began working on it the day I saw Fanstory was sponsoring a Halloween Horror Story contest. I almost passed altogether, then thought, What the hell, why not?
I really appreciate this awesome review, and that generous rating!
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Talk about sub-plots and back stories...wow!
I swear to you that many stories just flow off the page and you have to wonder if the writer just cranked open a tap and let it flow, but while this story is fluid, there's no question that it took a lot of work.
Very impressive--and that's before the sound effects and pictorials. And, it's a good story to boot.
Near perfect--I'm envious--but couple things I'll mention.
In this sentence...though should be thought.
Well, it weren't me who done the killin', I can tell you that much. I was gonna' drop by, you know, chat this here thing out. But, when I seen that official lookin' state vehicle in your drive-way, I though it was prob'ly best to keep right on a' truckin' past."
And, I'd think about eliminating 'what's done is done' as the funeral guys are talking at the end. You used this phrase when Flanery was talking to Simon on the phone and I noticed.
Exceptional work should be a winner.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Talk about sub-plots and back stories...wow!
I swear to you that many stories just flow off the page and you have to wonder if the writer just cranked open a tap and let it flow, but while this story is fluid, there's no question that it took a lot of work.
Very impressive--and that's before the sound effects and pictorials. And, it's a good story to boot.
Near perfect--I'm envious--but couple things I'll mention.
In this sentence...though should be thought.
Well, it weren't me who done the killin', I can tell you that much. I was gonna' drop by, you know, chat this here thing out. But, when I seen that official lookin' state vehicle in your drive-way, I though it was prob'ly best to keep right on a' truckin' past."
And, I'd think about eliminating 'what's done is done' as the funeral guys are talking at the end. You used this phrase when Flanery was talking to Simon on the phone and I noticed.
Exceptional work should be a winner.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Thanks, Spiritual Echo, for the fantastic review and for your suggestions. I've edited it to correct that error, and changed that line as well, per your suggestion. Hey, if we can't listen to those who take the time to read what we write, we may as well stop writing...right?
Thanks so much, again!ng
Comment from GWHARGIS
this was pretty creepy. I liked the ghost who got her 'dogs' to ill the husband. I have always been afraid of dogs and now that fear is even deeper. Liked the continued presence of the detective and the fact that he really believed he solved the case.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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this was pretty creepy. I liked the ghost who got her 'dogs' to ill the husband. I have always been afraid of dogs and now that fear is even deeper. Liked the continued presence of the detective and the fact that he really believed he solved the case.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Thanks, GW! Yeah, old Mallory still has his work cut out for him, doesn't he? He just doesn't know it yet...
Thanks for your wonderful comments!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Just in time for Halloween. I'm sure you'll do well in the contest. I loved the many twists and turns. No shortage of examples of human failings in this story. Very well done, imaginative and clever.
The true horror, however, are the statistics found in your author's notes. Very sobering data.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Just in time for Halloween. I'm sure you'll do well in the contest. I loved the many twists and turns. No shortage of examples of human failings in this story. Very well done, imaginative and clever.
The true horror, however, are the statistics found in your author's notes. Very sobering data.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Yes, I agree, Green Lake Girl, that's precisely why they were included in my notes. Truth is far more horrifying than fiction...
Thanks so much for your great review!
Comment from adewpearl
typo - I though it was probably best - thought
I love the twists and turns of this story - the not-so-grieving widower, the dead wife who turns out to be not-so dead, the double cross of her accomplice, the reveal that she is the psycho killer LOL You need a score card for this one
Lots of cool mayhem :-) A treat for Halloween horror lovers.
Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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typo - I though it was probably best - thought
I love the twists and turns of this story - the not-so-grieving widower, the dead wife who turns out to be not-so dead, the double cross of her accomplice, the reveal that she is the psycho killer LOL You need a score card for this one
Lots of cool mayhem :-) A treat for Halloween horror lovers.
Brooke
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Got 'cha on that typo, Brooke, thanks!
I appreciate your take on this rather lengthy piece, as well as the time you've invested in reading and reviewing it for me. it's all very much appreciated!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Dean I believe your warning at the beginning of your short story made me to desire to read your mystery, gory planned murder story .
Your lady villain( Marjorie) and her trained man eating dogs.
Gert
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Hello Dean I believe your warning at the beginning of your short story made me to desire to read your mystery, gory planned murder story .
Your lady villain( Marjorie) and her trained man eating dogs.
Gert
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Hah, that was the idea behind that waning, Gert. I figured, for a Halloween horror story, those that were going to seek it out would more likely than not be fans of this genre. So, in order to entice readers who love horror stories to read it (because, it is rather long) I included that "warning". A marketing ploy, if you will.
I am very happy that you enjoyed this...
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Okay good idea
Of course I enjoy stories that has a good plot and ending .
Gert
Comment from JM daSilva
This detective made me think of columbo.
Great surprise, I thought he had killed her with the dog, he sent someone to kill her, and it turns out the guy didn't do it. This is great!
Oh I love the story. Look at this. You surprise me.
Marjorie Flanagan smirked, picturing her husband squirming as the cops grilled him about her "death".
???? Shouldn't the bodies be collected the same day? And DNA would show they were all from a different woman.
There are two killers, huh? Great story.
Ok, then I'll deal with spag here since you are like, no ego when it comes to writing. lol.
Capitalize detective if you use it as form of address, or before a name. Do not capitalized detective after article the.
â??I begged her not to go on that ridiculous camping trip, Detective.
since Detective Mayhew
anyway, the detective wondered?
Hyphenation
Hyphenate first place or second place before a noun, like finish or runner-up.
Six first place finishes,
Six first-place finishes,
and three-second place runner ups.
and three second-place runner ups.
/////
No hyphen
Do not use a hyphen with â??ly adverbs
, dimly-lit office around ten-thirty
, dimly lit office around ten thirty that evening.
Gonna and ya do not take a hyphen
it's gonna' lead me straight back here to you.â??
it's gonna lead me straight back here to you.â??
I'll get back to ya' just as soon as
I'll get back to ya just as soon as I get any more info. Are you good?â??
â??You shoulda' heard him, babe, it was priceless.
â??You shoulda heard him, babe, it was priceless.
he'll be outta' the way,
he'll be outta the way,
Out of breath take no hyphen when used as a predicate, but before a noun you use a hyphen
Simon Rollings sounded desperate and out-of-breath.
Simon Rollings sounded desperate and out of breath.
No hyphen when cut off is a verb
Simon looked at his cell as he was abruptly cut-off from Flanagan's end.
Simon looked at his cell as he was abruptly cut off from Flanagan's end.
***
It should be past tense here to agree with the rest of the text. Verb tense agreement.
, and all he could think about is his prize-winning dog.
, and all he could think about was his prize-winning dog.
as quickly as if he's been shot out of a
as quickly as if he'd been shot out of a
///
Tautology
Nod of the head is a tautology, just use nod
Mallory answered with a brief nod of his head,
Mallory answered with a brief nod,
///
Solid compounds, one word
Asshole is a solid compound, so you write it as one word
Marjorie Flanagan's ass hole-of-a husband
Marjorie Flanagan's asshole-of-a husband in his head.
vehicle in your drive-way,
vehicle in your driveway,
at his wrist watch.
at his wristwatch.
///
Comma
Use a comma when you address someone directly.
â??Is that it Larry, just the hand, then?â??
â??Is that it, Larry, just the hand, then?â??
Hey Mal, are you sitting down,
â??Hey, Mal. Are you sitting down, buddy?â??
****
No commas
When you can use â??thatâ??, do not use a comma
You mean; you didn't, you know, get to Marjorie at all?
You mean that you didn't, you know, get to Marjorie at all?
No need to use commas when â??asâ?? is in the middle.
Flanagan listened, as the accomplice he'd hired to commit his wife's murder groaned into the Flanagan listened as the accomplice he'd hired to commit his wife's murder groaned into the
////
Use period or semicolon to separate complete sentences
. The prints were inconclusive, looks like somebody took a damn metal rasp to 'em.
. The prints were inconclusive; looks like somebody took a damn metal rasp to 'em. At least,
////
typo
â??Well, are you go tell me whatever the fuck it is they said,
â??Well, are you going tell me
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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This detective made me think of columbo.
Great surprise, I thought he had killed her with the dog, he sent someone to kill her, and it turns out the guy didn't do it. This is great!
Oh I love the story. Look at this. You surprise me.
Marjorie Flanagan smirked, picturing her husband squirming as the cops grilled him about her "death".
???? Shouldn't the bodies be collected the same day? And DNA would show they were all from a different woman.
There are two killers, huh? Great story.
Ok, then I'll deal with spag here since you are like, no ego when it comes to writing. lol.
Capitalize detective if you use it as form of address, or before a name. Do not capitalized detective after article the.
â??I begged her not to go on that ridiculous camping trip, Detective.
since Detective Mayhew
anyway, the detective wondered?
Hyphenation
Hyphenate first place or second place before a noun, like finish or runner-up.
Six first place finishes,
Six first-place finishes,
and three-second place runner ups.
and three second-place runner ups.
/////
No hyphen
Do not use a hyphen with â??ly adverbs
, dimly-lit office around ten-thirty
, dimly lit office around ten thirty that evening.
Gonna and ya do not take a hyphen
it's gonna' lead me straight back here to you.â??
it's gonna lead me straight back here to you.â??
I'll get back to ya' just as soon as
I'll get back to ya just as soon as I get any more info. Are you good?â??
â??You shoulda' heard him, babe, it was priceless.
â??You shoulda heard him, babe, it was priceless.
he'll be outta' the way,
he'll be outta the way,
Out of breath take no hyphen when used as a predicate, but before a noun you use a hyphen
Simon Rollings sounded desperate and out-of-breath.
Simon Rollings sounded desperate and out of breath.
No hyphen when cut off is a verb
Simon looked at his cell as he was abruptly cut-off from Flanagan's end.
Simon looked at his cell as he was abruptly cut off from Flanagan's end.
***
It should be past tense here to agree with the rest of the text. Verb tense agreement.
, and all he could think about is his prize-winning dog.
, and all he could think about was his prize-winning dog.
as quickly as if he's been shot out of a
as quickly as if he'd been shot out of a
///
Tautology
Nod of the head is a tautology, just use nod
Mallory answered with a brief nod of his head,
Mallory answered with a brief nod,
///
Solid compounds, one word
Asshole is a solid compound, so you write it as one word
Marjorie Flanagan's ass hole-of-a husband
Marjorie Flanagan's asshole-of-a husband in his head.
vehicle in your drive-way,
vehicle in your driveway,
at his wrist watch.
at his wristwatch.
///
Comma
Use a comma when you address someone directly.
â??Is that it Larry, just the hand, then?â??
â??Is that it, Larry, just the hand, then?â??
Hey Mal, are you sitting down,
â??Hey, Mal. Are you sitting down, buddy?â??
****
No commas
When you can use â??thatâ??, do not use a comma
You mean; you didn't, you know, get to Marjorie at all?
You mean that you didn't, you know, get to Marjorie at all?
No need to use commas when â??asâ?? is in the middle.
Flanagan listened, as the accomplice he'd hired to commit his wife's murder groaned into the Flanagan listened as the accomplice he'd hired to commit his wife's murder groaned into the
////
Use period or semicolon to separate complete sentences
. The prints were inconclusive, looks like somebody took a damn metal rasp to 'em.
. The prints were inconclusive; looks like somebody took a damn metal rasp to 'em. At least,
////
typo
â??Well, are you go tell me whatever the fuck it is they said,
â??Well, are you going tell me
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Thanks, JM, and you're right, normally they would be collected on the same day. However, Simon buried the hand purposely, under logs and leaves, dirt, etc., that the initial investigation failed to uncover it. When the site was looked at more in depth, it was uncovered by one of the Rangers at the park assisting in the investigation. That was my intent, anyway...
Yes, now there are, indeed, two killers. The Satanic wraith that's been loosed,, and Marjorie Flanagan, the Midwest Mauler. Perhaps they'll tag-team sometime in the near future. They'd make one helluv'a team, don't you think, heh-heh?
btw...I loved Columbo. I did have him in mind as I wrote the detective portions of the story. Funny, you picked up on those subtle nuisances...
Thanks for the most generous rating, my friend. That means a lot coming from my mentor!
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Great pleasure, Dean. Answer my question in the pm, ok?
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I got them all, my friend, every SPAG-DANG one of 'em, heh heh!
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I got them all, my friend, every SPAG-DANG one of 'em, heh heh!
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Great.
Comment from Ric Myworld
This started out as just another well written detective story. I sat waiting for the twists that I knew were coming, and they did, right on schedule. However, they were so well put together, and then came the evil ghost, and the great job of disguising Marjorie as the mauler. This is so well done that I'd buy the book, tomorrow! Fantastic job, and the first six that I have ever given.
Thanks for a FANTASTIC read!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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This started out as just another well written detective story. I sat waiting for the twists that I knew were coming, and they did, right on schedule. However, they were so well put together, and then came the evil ghost, and the great job of disguising Marjorie as the mauler. This is so well done that I'd buy the book, tomorrow! Fantastic job, and the first six that I have ever given.
Thanks for a FANTASTIC read!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Wow, I'm very honored to receive your first six-star review ever, Ric. That's awesome!
You got the gist of the entire story to a tee, too, which I also very much appreciate.
You made my week, my friend, thank you!:)
Comment from lindalcreel
Brilliant writing. you left so many subtle clues that I found myself glued to the page. Marjorie was quite the sick ticket; I mean doing that to all of those kids and then getting away with it. I guess she didn't want to leave any clues behind that would implicate her. Exceptional short story. Thanks so much for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Brilliant writing. you left so many subtle clues that I found myself glued to the page. Marjorie was quite the sick ticket; I mean doing that to all of those kids and then getting away with it. I guess she didn't want to leave any clues behind that would implicate her. Exceptional short story. Thanks so much for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Hah, thanks so much for this wonderful review, Linda. And you're right, Marjorie was one sick, deranged puppy. Hell hath no fury!
Thanks, again...
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Hey that's the name of the book that I'm posting; too funny. lol:)
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Really? I'll make sure to read it!
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Too funny:)
Comment from Generous George
Very, very scary. Complex plot, well organized. Graphic descriptions were, well Graphic! ;) Not sure I'm glad I read this before Halloween. Great job1
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Very, very scary. Complex plot, well organized. Graphic descriptions were, well Graphic! ;) Not sure I'm glad I read this before Halloween. Great job1
Comment Written 06-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2013
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Hah, well, I'm glad that you did, GG! I truly appreciate your witty review, and those shining six stars!
Thank you...
