Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "Chapter 11, part 1"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
64 total reviews
Comment from rtobaygo
Scene description was excellent. You have the readers following the men into the cellar. You description of Paige and Mary Pat being bound and gagged was well done without going into greater detail. Just one question: The following sentences caused me to pause . . .Only a dim light came from Billy Joe's flashlight Billy Joe. It sounds as if the flashlight has a name.
Excellent post.
Take care,
Ray
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Scene description was excellent. You have the readers following the men into the cellar. You description of Paige and Mary Pat being bound and gagged was well done without going into greater detail. Just one question: The following sentences caused me to pause . . .Only a dim light came from Billy Joe's flashlight Billy Joe. It sounds as if the flashlight has a name.
Excellent post.
Take care,
Ray
Comment Written 12-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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I just corrected that sentence. I have been correcting that sentence for 3 days now and still can't get it right. DARN!!! Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Barbara,
The story continues at an interesting pace, and the suspense continues to build. The rescue of Paige and Mary Pat is the highlight of the chapter; ho the involvement of the police adds a new dimension. The older officer studying Cash and Billy Joe seems to consider them as suspects, in his mind, as he fingers his gun.
It is an enjoyable read.
Curtis
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Barbara,
The story continues at an interesting pace, and the suspense continues to build. The rescue of Paige and Mary Pat is the highlight of the chapter; ho the involvement of the police adds a new dimension. The older officer studying Cash and Billy Joe seems to consider them as suspects, in his mind, as he fingers his gun.
It is an enjoyable read.
Curtis
Comment Written 12-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and continued support.
Comment from Bryana
Another interesting chapter. Those girls were very lucky to have Morgan to guide the men to where they were. I have a feeling the police find Cash and Billy Joe people of interest in the crime. I will be waiting for the next chapter..
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Another interesting chapter. Those girls were very lucky to have Morgan to guide the men to where they were. I have a feeling the police find Cash and Billy Joe people of interest in the crime. I will be waiting for the next chapter..
Comment Written 12-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review. Morgan is taking over top billing in this story.
Comment from Nanashirley
Another good chapter although I really would like more. I think that the interrogation could have been prolonged. Or the guys could have had more trouble to get them out. Just me I want more all of the time.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Another good chapter although I really would like more. I think that the interrogation could have been prolonged. Or the guys could have had more trouble to get them out. Just me I want more all of the time.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Curly Girly
Another good read, quite exciting. At least they are all alive and well. Only 2 suggestions here:
Only a dim light came from the flashlight Billy Joe.
Only a dim light came from Billy Joe's flashlight.
?
"My puppy chewed off a piece of one of their gloves.
"My puppy BIT off a piece of one of their gloves.
*chewing takes too long.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Another good read, quite exciting. At least they are all alive and well. Only 2 suggestions here:
Only a dim light came from the flashlight Billy Joe.
Only a dim light came from Billy Joe's flashlight.
?
"My puppy chewed off a piece of one of their gloves.
"My puppy BIT off a piece of one of their gloves.
*chewing takes too long.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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I have made those corrections. Thank you for the eagle eye.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
The piece although interesting, and driven by action needs a serious rewrite. For ex:
1)KEEP IT SIMPLE STU..: Try this:"Before his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he turned the rusted, loose doorknob. Was that growling?" (add tension)
AND
"Only a dim light came from Billy Joe's flashlight."
2)" and headed (trotted) toward..."
3)Consider: "Cash put his hands out FEELING for a wall."
4)What is wrong with this passage? "On the damp cement floor, sat Paige and Mary Pat,...as he growled while trying to chew through it."
5)Misplaced modifier..whose skin was white..the dog's?
""My puppy chewed off a piece of one of their gloves. His skin was white, but tanned."
6)"... comfortably and (WITH) ice packs in place,..."
Keep at it.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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The piece although interesting, and driven by action needs a serious rewrite. For ex:
1)KEEP IT SIMPLE STU..: Try this:"Before his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he turned the rusted, loose doorknob. Was that growling?" (add tension)
AND
"Only a dim light came from Billy Joe's flashlight."
2)" and headed (trotted) toward..."
3)Consider: "Cash put his hands out FEELING for a wall."
4)What is wrong with this passage? "On the damp cement floor, sat Paige and Mary Pat,...as he growled while trying to chew through it."
5)Misplaced modifier..whose skin was white..the dog's?
""My puppy chewed off a piece of one of their gloves. His skin was white, but tanned."
6)"... comfortably and (WITH) ice packs in place,..."
Keep at it.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I am not growling at you, but out of frustration. The end of your number one suggestion...I have rewritten that sentence over a hundred times. Finally, two reviewers suggested that way and so I did it. DARN!!!!!!! It's still not correct. I do appreciate the time you take to review. Thank you. I am off to make the suggestions.
Comment from Jade Lawson
Good chapter, easy to understand and enjoyable to follow. I like the simple language you use always. Interesting names of the characters, different. I liked the way you opened the chapter showing how Cash was concerned about Paige. Good descriptions of how Paige and Mary Pat were found. I enjoyed the way you demonstrated all through the chapter the feelings of Cash for Paige, love and protection were really well conveyed.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Good chapter, easy to understand and enjoyable to follow. I like the simple language you use always. Interesting names of the characters, different. I liked the way you opened the chapter showing how Cash was concerned about Paige. Good descriptions of how Paige and Mary Pat were found. I enjoyed the way you demonstrated all through the chapter the feelings of Cash for Paige, love and protection were really well conveyed.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
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you're very welcome.
Comment from Norbanus
Morgan certainly earned his keep in this segment. They're going to have to learn doggie language or teach him to speak more clearly. I didn't notice any opportunities for improvement.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Morgan certainly earned his keep in this segment. They're going to have to learn doggie language or teach him to speak more clearly. I didn't notice any opportunities for improvement.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review. I think Morgan is stealing the show right from under Paige and Cash.
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Cash is due an "I told you so" moment. But this clearly wasn't the time. This chapter really made me feel for both Mary Pat & Paige. They really went through a scarey scene. And I'm so loving Morgan (cyber belly rubs little guy). Again yet another wonderful and addictive installment. I impatiently wait for more.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Cash is due an "I told you so" moment. But this clearly wasn't the time. This chapter really made me feel for both Mary Pat & Paige. They really went through a scarey scene. And I'm so loving Morgan (cyber belly rubs little guy). Again yet another wonderful and addictive installment. I impatiently wait for more.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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I happen to love Morgan too. I think he's taking the story over. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Antonin70
I'm gradually catching up with the book and this follows on well from the last chapter. The characters were more alive now that I know more about them and have a better understanding of the relationship between them all. This is one of the problems with posting books on FanStory. You obviously can't wait until you've finished and post the whole lot. For a start there is no room and secondly you would probably write faster, and therefore with less care for your plot, than you wanted to. I would be glad to know if this restriction makes it easier or more difficult for you. One advantage I can see is that you benefit from other people letting you know if they like the story as it moves on. one other thing, probably only personal for me, I now know which bellum the story was ante:) A good write. Keep at it. Anton
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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I'm gradually catching up with the book and this follows on well from the last chapter. The characters were more alive now that I know more about them and have a better understanding of the relationship between them all. This is one of the problems with posting books on FanStory. You obviously can't wait until you've finished and post the whole lot. For a start there is no room and secondly you would probably write faster, and therefore with less care for your plot, than you wanted to. I would be glad to know if this restriction makes it easier or more difficult for you. One advantage I can see is that you benefit from other people letting you know if they like the story as it moves on. one other thing, probably only personal for me, I now know which bellum the story was ante:) A good write. Keep at it. Anton
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
