Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Chapter 10, part 8"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
69 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
More interesting developments.
I'm sure this knight in shining armour will charge to the rescue and bring her back safe ...:)
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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More interesting developments.
I'm sure this knight in shining armour will charge to the rescue and bring her back safe ...:)
Comment Written 05-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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I sure hope so. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barb. Good to be back and seeing your work again. It is so fast-paced and interesting not hard to catch up at all. I do suggest:
"and she fell to the ground." (stronger image would be "and she went down"
Great writing as usual. Bob
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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Hi, Barb. Good to be back and seeing your work again. It is so fast-paced and interesting not hard to catch up at all. I do suggest:
"and she fell to the ground." (stronger image would be "and she went down"
Great writing as usual. Bob
Comment Written 05-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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I have made the correction, thank you. It's nice to hear from you again.
Comment from unimatrix001
Why doesn't it occur to anyone to call the police?
Cash went into Paige's bedroom and tugged the mattress out of his way. Damn, they were thorough. - Are we supposed to assume the room had been ransacked? Some discription of what Cash sees is need to understand this scene.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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Why doesn't it occur to anyone to call the police?
Cash went into Paige's bedroom and tugged the mattress out of his way. Damn, they were thorough. - Are we supposed to assume the room had been ransacked? Some discription of what Cash sees is need to understand this scene.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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That is being taken care of. Just not the men's top priority.
Comment from Mishelly
I really like how you didn't continue this post in Paige's point of view. You've left us wondering what happened along with Cash. This keeps the mystery and suspense going. You have also shown Cash's guilt and worry extremely well, and shown how much he really cares for Paige. As always, I look forward to the next post :-)
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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I really like how you didn't continue this post in Paige's point of view. You've left us wondering what happened along with Cash. This keeps the mystery and suspense going. You have also shown Cash's guilt and worry extremely well, and shown how much he really cares for Paige. As always, I look forward to the next post :-)
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
Sorry I have not had the chance to review a bunch of recent posts from you, though I did skim them, so did not feel confused or lost here. Good chapter with excellent POV and a decent flow, but it still has room for improvement on sentence structure and minor nits.
***Careful of repeating similar sentence structure formulas in a row, especially when it begins with a pronoun plus a verb as in this example below:
"Don't recognize the number." He paused. "Guess I'd better. But it's probably a telemarketer." He tapped a button. "Cash, here." He listened, then said, "We're on our way." He reeled in his line.
He paused
He tapped
He listened
He reeled
Break it up a bit by using different sentence styles. (Do let me know if you wish for an example).
*
After parking half on and half off the curb,
not sure, but maybe use hyphens here?
After parking half-on and half-off the curb,
*
Why did I leave them alone?
Since it is internal dialog, contractions would be optimal. Example:
Why'd I leave them alone?
***I've noticed numerous sentences have the same style of pronoun or name plus verb. It stands out very boldly in this chapter. It especially stands out when used in close succession, like here:
He opened a door that led to the laundry room. He paused and picked up a piece of torn glove.
Overall, very good, but those 'formula' sentences do not read well and also hinder pacing, slightly. Please do try reading aloud to catch what I mean...
Hope that helps.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2013
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Sorry I have not had the chance to review a bunch of recent posts from you, though I did skim them, so did not feel confused or lost here. Good chapter with excellent POV and a decent flow, but it still has room for improvement on sentence structure and minor nits.
***Careful of repeating similar sentence structure formulas in a row, especially when it begins with a pronoun plus a verb as in this example below:
"Don't recognize the number." He paused. "Guess I'd better. But it's probably a telemarketer." He tapped a button. "Cash, here." He listened, then said, "We're on our way." He reeled in his line.
He paused
He tapped
He listened
He reeled
Break it up a bit by using different sentence styles. (Do let me know if you wish for an example).
*
After parking half on and half off the curb,
not sure, but maybe use hyphens here?
After parking half-on and half-off the curb,
*
Why did I leave them alone?
Since it is internal dialog, contractions would be optimal. Example:
Why'd I leave them alone?
***I've noticed numerous sentences have the same style of pronoun or name plus verb. It stands out very boldly in this chapter. It especially stands out when used in close succession, like here:
He opened a door that led to the laundry room. He paused and picked up a piece of torn glove.
Overall, very good, but those 'formula' sentences do not read well and also hinder pacing, slightly. Please do try reading aloud to catch what I mean...
Hope that helps.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2013
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Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Finally, school is out and I had time to concentrate on making the changes. Thank you.
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Most welcome and no problem, dear. On my way... rd
Comment from amahra
A cliff hanger: I hope they're alright. another very interesting and moving chapter. Just one thing below:
Cash's eyes met his friends['] and he pointed. [do you mean his friends' eyes]
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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A cliff hanger: I hope they're alright. another very interesting and moving chapter. Just one thing below:
Cash's eyes met his friends['] and he pointed. [do you mean his friends' eyes]
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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I have made that area clearer. Thank you.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Lots of potential. A few suggestions:
1)TRY:"As she stared out the screen door, Paige shielded her eyes from the west sunlight.
AVOID starting with the subject or a pronoun. For Ex:
2)"He listened, AND then said,..."
3)He paused, AND THEN watched until she..
4)AS they stood in the center of the room, they scanned each section and listened.
5)REVISE: "He opened a door that led to the laundry room. He paused and picked up a piece of...
CONSIDER: A door that led to the laundry room. Once inside he paused to pick up a..."
Has good bones and no SPAG.
Regards:
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2013
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Lots of potential. A few suggestions:
1)TRY:"As she stared out the screen door, Paige shielded her eyes from the west sunlight.
AVOID starting with the subject or a pronoun. For Ex:
2)"He listened, AND then said,..."
3)He paused, AND THEN watched until she..
4)AS they stood in the center of the room, they scanned each section and listened.
5)REVISE: "He opened a door that led to the laundry room. He paused and picked up a piece of...
CONSIDER: A door that led to the laundry room. Once inside he paused to pick up a..."
Has good bones and no SPAG.
Regards:
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2013
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Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Finally, school is out and I had time to concentrate on making the changes. Thank you.
Comment from Mark Alan Trimeloni
Smooth flowing dialog.
Could feel a sense of danger at this point, "Why ain't that mutt barkin'?"
"They might've killed him."
In this part, "Hey, Billy Joe, you making noise?
Missing an end quote.
In this part, "We're headed the right direction,..."
I'd add the word , "in" between "headed" & "the".
What's a "mudroom"?
I enjoyed the dialect and the fast-paced action. I also appreciate that you let the story develop with conversations between the characters and not just telling the story to your reader. Very nice.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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Smooth flowing dialog.
Could feel a sense of danger at this point, "Why ain't that mutt barkin'?"
"They might've killed him."
In this part, "Hey, Billy Joe, you making noise?
Missing an end quote.
In this part, "We're headed the right direction,..."
I'd add the word , "in" between "headed" & "the".
What's a "mudroom"?
I enjoyed the dialect and the fast-paced action. I also appreciate that you let the story develop with conversations between the characters and not just telling the story to your reader. Very nice.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the eagle eye and the suggestions. Many of the older houses had mudrooms. They were just as you entered the back of the house where farmers could take boots and things off before they tracked it inside. Some had showers.
Comment from BethShelby
It is apparent that Cash really cares about Paige. You're creating a really page turning mystery and crime story. It makes me want to read the next post as soon as possible. I was out of town last week so I did go back and read the previous post.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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It is apparent that Cash really cares about Paige. You're creating a really page turning mystery and crime story. It makes me want to read the next post as soon as possible. I was out of town last week so I did go back and read the previous post.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and encouragement.
Comment from JWP
Very good story development, the thing I liked especially about your writing is the ability to portray the characters through their language, particularly, their accents. I haven't read lots of the rest of the story, and admittedley read this to get the points but found it very well written and found that the story moved along well (you are good at the whole showing and not telling).
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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Very good story development, the thing I liked especially about your writing is the ability to portray the characters through their language, particularly, their accents. I haven't read lots of the rest of the story, and admittedley read this to get the points but found it very well written and found that the story moved along well (you are good at the whole showing and not telling).
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and encouraging words.
