The Sniper
A boy is trained to show no compassion or fear.30 total reviews
Comment from MidnightWriter4U
Sadly, these pool souls do exist in a childhood hell that they bring with them into adulthood. Very well written story. Perfect artwork choice. I noticed a typo you might want to fix:
Could he really shoot a man wh hadn't done anything to him?
Good read.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Sadly, these pool souls do exist in a childhood hell that they bring with them into adulthood. Very well written story. Perfect artwork choice. I noticed a typo you might want to fix:
Could he really shoot a man wh hadn't done anything to him?
Good read.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Fixed the typo as spotted by a few others. That's what happens when I keep making revisions. Glad you enjoyed this.
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You are welcome. MN :)
Comment from Realist101
Dang it no six allowed. Shari, this is outstanding. I love the internal thoughts revealed. I really felt your tenseness and your sentences too were nice and tight. Keep up the great work!! :) ******! x. Susan
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Dang it no six allowed. Shari, this is outstanding. I love the internal thoughts revealed. I really felt your tenseness and your sentences too were nice and tight. Keep up the great work!! :) ******! x. Susan
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Suze. The new rankings are coming out. I don't see your name yet you're still writing? April is number one now with Edward Baldwin at two. Appreicate that you liked Sniper. My writing style is influence by you, but I'm not as lyrical. Although that would not suit this piece. Please keep on posting. I learn so much just my reading your magnificent prose. I don't follow Avril. Guess I give her a look-see. Hugs, Shari
Comment from Donya Quijote
This was twisted and intense. You've really put some umph in this one. I think you've touched on many of the childhood experiences that lead to one becoming a killer in the future. Scary to say the least. One thing I like is that this is your killer's first kill, I think, at least his nervousness seems to indicate it is. He has a chance to be redeemed, maybe be a hero. I don't your killer's got it in him, really. It is fitting though that the bad guy, victim, is really a bad guy and gets his just desserts in the end by accident. Good, good job. Best of luck in the contest...
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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This was twisted and intense. You've really put some umph in this one. I think you've touched on many of the childhood experiences that lead to one becoming a killer in the future. Scary to say the least. One thing I like is that this is your killer's first kill, I think, at least his nervousness seems to indicate it is. He has a chance to be redeemed, maybe be a hero. I don't your killer's got it in him, really. It is fitting though that the bad guy, victim, is really a bad guy and gets his just desserts in the end by accident. Good, good job. Best of luck in the contest...
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thank you, Diana. You saw the character exactly as I intended.
Off to bed, now. Hugs, Shari
Comment from visionary1234
well this was a totally fun take on the prompt, Spits! (should that be "fun"?) - let's just say, unique and interesting! Great entry! :)Sharyn
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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well this was a totally fun take on the prompt, Spits! (should that be "fun"?) - let's just say, unique and interesting! Great entry! :)Sharyn
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Sharyn. I tried to take a different angle on this one.
Comment from barkingdog
Great tense build-up. It's like reading a recipe of how to make a hit-man. Horrible things happened to him but somewhere inside he needed to survive and held hope that he didn't have to be what his demented mother designed.
Good use of peeing and sweat to show his fear and unwillingness to kill. His conscience was kicking in. He fumbled the gun. Suddenly, he's believing in God?
I would have foreshadowed God a bit more in order for him to 'save' Pete. Maybe, the echo of a prayer(something he saw or heard as a child that had meaning when Pete's under stress. He'd hear it in his head when he's raped, beaten, or his puppy was killed, and while wishing his mother would die/taking away her pills. Maybe he'd replace his mother with a Saint or Mother Mary and mantra that. It could a single word referring to an early bible story that he heard from another kid. How about a tattoo on his trigger finger--crown of thorns. I'm fishing here, sorry.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Great tense build-up. It's like reading a recipe of how to make a hit-man. Horrible things happened to him but somewhere inside he needed to survive and held hope that he didn't have to be what his demented mother designed.
Good use of peeing and sweat to show his fear and unwillingness to kill. His conscience was kicking in. He fumbled the gun. Suddenly, he's believing in God?
I would have foreshadowed God a bit more in order for him to 'save' Pete. Maybe, the echo of a prayer(something he saw or heard as a child that had meaning when Pete's under stress. He'd hear it in his head when he's raped, beaten, or his puppy was killed, and while wishing his mother would die/taking away her pills. Maybe he'd replace his mother with a Saint or Mother Mary and mantra that. It could a single word referring to an early bible story that he heard from another kid. How about a tattoo on his trigger finger--crown of thorns. I'm fishing here, sorry.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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I get what you're saying and I'll keep revising. Already changed it to make clear the boy who escaped made him remember who he once was. As always, I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Gregory K Shipman
Isn't it something how one can give so much... story, detail, backstory, conflict, direction... in so few words. You have done it with seven hundred and seventy-eight words.
I can see the Pete you have created. Abused, conflicted, full of pain, fear and hatred. You've made his rooftop mission the central theme of this story but it expands into so much more...
The final scene is totally unexpected and leaves a clear exploratory message... is there divine intervention... is Pete the man or the instrument for a little boy's salvation and an animal's ultimate punishment?
Great write, Shari
greg
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Isn't it something how one can give so much... story, detail, backstory, conflict, direction... in so few words. You have done it with seven hundred and seventy-eight words.
I can see the Pete you have created. Abused, conflicted, full of pain, fear and hatred. You've made his rooftop mission the central theme of this story but it expands into so much more...
The final scene is totally unexpected and leaves a clear exploratory message... is there divine intervention... is Pete the man or the instrument for a little boy's salvation and an animal's ultimate punishment?
Great write, Shari
greg
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Greg. I'm still doing slight revisions on this to make it clear that the boy about to be raped reminds him of his innocence at one time.
Comment from Sasha
This is excellent. Marvelous character development. You even did the impossible, caused me to feel compassion for the killer. Not an easy task but well done. Great entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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This is excellent. Marvelous character development. You even did the impossible, caused me to feel compassion for the killer. Not an easy task but well done. Great entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Smurf. That's a wonderful compliment.
Comment from ndadarose
This is a spell binding story filled with the brutality encountered in life yet peppered with a little hope. The second young boy's prayer is answered but the reader is left wondering if the protagonist will recover from his traumatic childhood years. Great story!
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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This is a spell binding story filled with the brutality encountered in life yet peppered with a little hope. The second young boy's prayer is answered but the reader is left wondering if the protagonist will recover from his traumatic childhood years. Great story!
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Thanks, rose. I'm still making revisions to clarify the cathartic moment.
Comment from Eric J. Hildeman
Brilliant! How few writers there are who can make a good protagonist out of a totally evil character! I found myself actually rooting for this sniper. I suppose most people might criticize this for the random shot of a dropped gun killing the target, but what I find more unrealistic is that this hardened young man would actually flinch at his second kill, especially after beating his stepfather senseless and abusing his mother to death. But with a flash fiction story, there are plenty of things which get missed. Well done! And I hope to read lots more of your writings.
Eric
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Brilliant! How few writers there are who can make a good protagonist out of a totally evil character! I found myself actually rooting for this sniper. I suppose most people might criticize this for the random shot of a dropped gun killing the target, but what I find more unrealistic is that this hardened young man would actually flinch at his second kill, especially after beating his stepfather senseless and abusing his mother to death. But with a flash fiction story, there are plenty of things which get missed. Well done! And I hope to read lots more of your writings.
Eric
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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LOL, Eric. I wondered if I carry this off. One coincidence is okay, two? Thank you so much the six. I still am "messing" with it based on feedback. I added some clues that that little boy reminded him of his own incidence at one time. He flinched because he didn't have a good reason unlike the situation with his abusive parents.
Comment from ssoltau
I liked this very much you developed your character quickly and clearly. I was able to visualize this easily because if great descriptions. Liked the ending too! Nice job.
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reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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I liked this very much you developed your character quickly and clearly. I was able to visualize this easily because if great descriptions. Liked the ending too! Nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much for the great comments. I always appreciate new readers.
