The Sniper
A boy is trained to show no compassion or fear.30 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
Very excellent. This flows well, with no distractions or irrelevant material, as befits flash fiction. Best of luck in that contest. Your characterization is great. You present just enough background and show what has caused him to become a sniper. His responses are also shown well. When he sees the man about to sodomize the little boy, he sees reason to shoot him. Might have been his stepdad, he thinks. His nerves get the better of him and he drops the rifle. Yet it fires upon hitting the ground and kills the man while the little boy runs away. It's like divine intervention. judi
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Very excellent. This flows well, with no distractions or irrelevant material, as befits flash fiction. Best of luck in that contest. Your characterization is great. You present just enough background and show what has caused him to become a sniper. His responses are also shown well. When he sees the man about to sodomize the little boy, he sees reason to shoot him. Might have been his stepdad, he thinks. His nerves get the better of him and he drops the rifle. Yet it fires upon hitting the ground and kills the man while the little boy runs away. It's like divine intervention. judi
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Exactly, judi. Plus the boy is symbolic of his change in character. The viction peed while praying. This time God heard.
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We can assume the sniper's life changed after that experience. Great story. judi
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Bravo! Truly deserving of a prize! Superb story and well told. He was about to play God, when God stepped in and did the job Himself. Very nice ending when he left the rifle there.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Bravo! Truly deserving of a prize! Superb story and well told. He was about to play God, when God stepped in and did the job Himself. Very nice ending when he left the rifle there.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thank you, Phyllis. This means a lot coming from you.
Comment from humpwhistle
Gee, Shari, I don't know. I get the essence--bred to be a hitman. But I'm not sure how sodomizing a kid is an object lesson. Then, it seems a bit coincidental that his target is caught in the act. Does the man in the suit know something? I just don't know, Shari.
Peace, Lee
his lawyer ordered the son to stay home?--maybe something is missing here, Shari.
No questions asked. -- this seems out of place. Who didn't ask questions? Even if he didn't ask questions, the payer expected results in exchange for his 5K.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Gee, Shari, I don't know. I get the essence--bred to be a hitman. But I'm not sure how sodomizing a kid is an object lesson. Then, it seems a bit coincidental that his target is caught in the act. Does the man in the suit know something? I just don't know, Shari.
Peace, Lee
his lawyer ordered the son to stay home?--maybe something is missing here, Shari.
No questions asked. -- this seems out of place. Who didn't ask questions? Even if he didn't ask questions, the payer expected results in exchange for his 5K.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Umm, you bring up some good points, Lee. I'll think on it.
Thanks for the good review, anyway.
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If you have time, Lee. Can you read again. I tried to cover the issues you mentioned.
Comment from Joannforsberg
Well I am sitting here paralyzed as the words are so the dark side of life. Yet, also know that situations like this are true. I am not sure if you meant for my next thoughts to occur or not. But, like a child kidnapped young, abused and then has to capture another child to take his place. Yet, instead makes the cycle of evil end. This story ends the same way. For as the sniper had no rescuer. He did change the soul of the little boy to believe there was a rescuer for him. Human, God, Universe.... that somewhere someone cared. Thus the little boy's heart was not hardened. Of course well written like all your other writings. Blessings, JO
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Well I am sitting here paralyzed as the words are so the dark side of life. Yet, also know that situations like this are true. I am not sure if you meant for my next thoughts to occur or not. But, like a child kidnapped young, abused and then has to capture another child to take his place. Yet, instead makes the cycle of evil end. This story ends the same way. For as the sniper had no rescuer. He did change the soul of the little boy to believe there was a rescuer for him. Human, God, Universe.... that somewhere someone cared. Thus the little boy's heart was not hardened. Of course well written like all your other writings. Blessings, JO
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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You got it! Bless you.That's exactly what I hoped the reader would see. Thank you so much for the six, but even more important, your insightful review.
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hey Shari,
In the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting tragedy, this one is hard to read. Yet, I'm so pleased it had such a positive ending.
You have explored how abuse in childhood can create anger in a grown man, but you further showed the reader how confused he was and truly didn't want to be evil.
Because Pete didn't get his rifle, I think he had a real epiphany. If only this happened it real life.
Nicely done,
Lou
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Hey Shari,
In the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting tragedy, this one is hard to read. Yet, I'm so pleased it had such a positive ending.
You have explored how abuse in childhood can create anger in a grown man, but you further showed the reader how confused he was and truly didn't want to be evil.
Because Pete didn't get his rifle, I think he had a real epiphany. If only this happened it real life.
Nicely done,
Lou
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Lou. Definitely wanted to get through the epiphany.
Comment from Spike the second
Hi Shari
A truly great story that had me hanging on every word. The evil fat man made me feel sick and did deserve his fate, albeit maybe not from the bullet from Pete's gun.
I think this should win it is so intense, so much so that you want to pull the trigger.
Great story Shari and well written my friend.
Blessings
Spike
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Hi Shari
A truly great story that had me hanging on every word. The evil fat man made me feel sick and did deserve his fate, albeit maybe not from the bullet from Pete's gun.
I think this should win it is so intense, so much so that you want to pull the trigger.
Great story Shari and well written my friend.
Blessings
Spike
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thank you, Spike. This is not my ususal genre, but it was nice to try something different.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Wow, Spit ... I was holding my breath by the time I came to the end of this piece!
That was a powerful piece of writing. There is so much pain in this world and one never really knows what goes on behind closed doors, does one?
Good luck - I hope you win.
Spags:
Shoot a man wh(o) (you missed the o in who)
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Wow, Spit ... I was holding my breath by the time I came to the end of this piece!
That was a powerful piece of writing. There is so much pain in this world and one never really knows what goes on behind closed doors, does one?
Good luck - I hope you win.
Spags:
Shoot a man wh(o) (you missed the o in who)
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks, stars for the encouraging review. Also, for catching my typo!
Hugs,
Shari
Comment from Dawn Munro
I will say it again - you, Shari, have an absolutely amazing imagination. What a story! The plot is so unusual, and so good! I found your tale riveting, and I simply loved the ending - he found God and the child wasn't harmed.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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I will say it again - you, Shari, have an absolutely amazing imagination. What a story! The plot is so unusual, and so good! I found your tale riveting, and I simply loved the ending - he found God and the child wasn't harmed.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Dawn. "Fear" was a challenge--too easy to fall into cliches. Glad you found it unusual. That's the best compliment ever.
Comment from God's Writer
Extremely thought provoking my queen. I would have pulled the trigger from my past abuse. I don't even think I would have felt guilty. Thank you for showing me my heart, dark.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Extremely thought provoking my queen. I would have pulled the trigger from my past abuse. I don't even think I would have felt guilty. Thank you for showing me my heart, dark.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Oh yes, this would have reached out to you. I see that now.
Thanks for the great review.
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You're welcome my queen.
Comment from Just Alyx
Bloody brilliant. Loved the way I was taken through all the intense layers to empathise with a killer, of all things. If the target was a decent guy, this would've been dead in the water before the mark was, so that upheld the premise. Also the mother's intense role with almost Satanic leanings toward child programming, which was very creepy and seedy.
The way his pre-programmed God complex was symbolised thru the current victim's prayer was the sixer brilliance for me. It put me right there with the poor kid in the alley and the scared, pained kid within him. Excellent stroke.
The divine intervention was another great twist even if a tad of a stretch, but I accepted it as appropriate for fast flash. Plus, stranger things actually *do* happen, so I rarely dismiss them as a reader, and liked that one. Pacing out the internal thoughts with the monologue was an excellent approach and really made the atmosphere.
I'm glad you didn't end it on "Maybe there's a God after all" and took it that one step further with the symbolic sun and urine. Top flash site entry, Shari. Best of luck. Alyx.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Bloody brilliant. Loved the way I was taken through all the intense layers to empathise with a killer, of all things. If the target was a decent guy, this would've been dead in the water before the mark was, so that upheld the premise. Also the mother's intense role with almost Satanic leanings toward child programming, which was very creepy and seedy.
The way his pre-programmed God complex was symbolised thru the current victim's prayer was the sixer brilliance for me. It put me right there with the poor kid in the alley and the scared, pained kid within him. Excellent stroke.
The divine intervention was another great twist even if a tad of a stretch, but I accepted it as appropriate for fast flash. Plus, stranger things actually *do* happen, so I rarely dismiss them as a reader, and liked that one. Pacing out the internal thoughts with the monologue was an excellent approach and really made the atmosphere.
I'm glad you didn't end it on "Maybe there's a God after all" and took it that one step further with the symbolic sun and urine. Top flash site entry, Shari. Best of luck. Alyx.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Thanks again, Alyx.I went back in and used your suggestions --always good ones. Love having you as a mentor. My second six on this! Hurrah.
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Now you have a hat trick. Cheers :)
