Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Chapter 4, Part 2"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
77 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi Barb,
Nice tour.
Love the bit at the end where Cash isn't sure of what he's seeing as Paige booo's him!
Cheers * Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2014
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Hi Barb,
Nice tour.
Love the bit at the end where Cash isn't sure of what he's seeing as Paige booo's him!
Cheers * Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review. Paige has a silly side.
Comment from Sankey
Still having heaps of fun with your story. I really ought to try writing some stories myself instead of Autobiographies and poems. First spag I think "tour guide, who (in)a Confederate uniform"
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2013
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Still having heaps of fun with your story. I really ought to try writing some stories myself instead of Autobiographies and poems. First spag I think "tour guide, who (in)a Confederate uniform"
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2013
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Thank you for the kind review and dropping by. Thanks for the catch.
Comment from NaughtieScribe
who a Confederate uniform,, waved his arms. (Spaggie)
which was made up mostly men in - mostly of men.
Some say a few a few Native Americans - duplicated phrase.
Lmao! Finally Cash gets a bit of his own medicine. Now maybe he'll take Paige more seriously.
With the exceptions of a few spaggies this was yet again another wonderful installment. Moving on.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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who a Confederate uniform,, waved his arms. (Spaggie)
which was made up mostly men in - mostly of men.
Some say a few a few Native Americans - duplicated phrase.
Lmao! Finally Cash gets a bit of his own medicine. Now maybe he'll take Paige more seriously.
With the exceptions of a few spaggies this was yet again another wonderful installment. Moving on.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I waited until I had time to fix the errors. Thank you for pointing them out. I can't believe others didn't. I appreciate your eagle eye.
Comment from Penworthy
This is the second time I've seen your work, and I like it. Cash, the ever practical, level headed guy is finally caught doubting himself. Are there ghosts? Good hook.
Paige is finally beginning to wake up, I think, with the anti-Yankee sentiment in Savannah. I lived near there when I worked at the Savannah River nuclear facility.
The two complement each other, and it's easy to see where this is going if things work out. All the options for ghosts are fun and interesting to boot.
Paige smiled at Cash. "I didn't know anything about the history. Since it's now my home, I should know a little bit.-- Seems like she should admit the fact she still doesn't know about S's history, and that she should learn a little bit.
This is where the term 'shanghaied' originated.-- Bad information. It originated from people who got drunk at the brothels of Shanghai and were conscripted onto English ships. This was a common practice during the opium wars in China.
Another fact about the colony of Georgia is that it was settled by prisoners who wee freed from the jails of London with the agreement that they would populate the colony.
All in all, this is an enjoyable read. Good work. Nice synergy.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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This is the second time I've seen your work, and I like it. Cash, the ever practical, level headed guy is finally caught doubting himself. Are there ghosts? Good hook.
Paige is finally beginning to wake up, I think, with the anti-Yankee sentiment in Savannah. I lived near there when I worked at the Savannah River nuclear facility.
The two complement each other, and it's easy to see where this is going if things work out. All the options for ghosts are fun and interesting to boot.
Paige smiled at Cash. "I didn't know anything about the history. Since it's now my home, I should know a little bit.-- Seems like she should admit the fact she still doesn't know about S's history, and that she should learn a little bit.
This is where the term 'shanghaied' originated.-- Bad information. It originated from people who got drunk at the brothels of Shanghai and were conscripted onto English ships. This was a common practice during the opium wars in China.
Another fact about the colony of Georgia is that it was settled by prisoners who wee freed from the jails of London with the agreement that they would populate the colony.
All in all, this is an enjoyable read. Good work. Nice synergy.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I know about shanghaied, but the tour guide never got the real message. It made for a better story. I enjoyed your review.
Comment from nora arjuna
hi barb, i happened to check a couple of reviews and looks like someone has mentioned a few things for you to edit. other than that, i enjoyed some of the historical details. you just need to describe some through your characters' eyes.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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hi barb, i happened to check a couple of reviews and looks like someone has mentioned a few things for you to edit. other than that, i enjoyed some of the historical details. you just need to describe some through your characters' eyes.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jonesy
The dialogue is excellent and the historical elements really added something. That's touchy because "educating" readers in fiction can be tough, but the author pulled if off well.
There are some SPAG issues below, but also a couple things I wanted to discuss as well.
The first is I had a hard time picturing the scene because there's no description of setting, no details that help the reader put themselves in the story. A good example is:
"The tour group then entered the Colonial Park Cemetery. "
And yet there's nothing describing the cemetery or the surroundings. When those details aren't there, it's much harder for the reader to picture the scene. Wouldn't take much, just some details to assist the reader.
The second thing is almost every dialogue tag is along the lines of:
whispered Paige.
Cash sighed
Paige giggled
Cash chuckled
A man in his twenties chuckled.
In fact, I don't see one "He said" or "She said" here at all. The problem is not only is there almost no variation with all these "signed" or "chuckled" and so on, but there's a danger readers can become distracted by them. There's a good reason why going with a "She said" much of the time is the accepted norm. It allows the reader to focus on the dialogue and move on to the next sentence without spending mental energy on "chuckled" and what not.
***behind the Pirates' House***
"House" isn't a proper noun in this context so shouldn't be capped
***get a man so drunk he would've passed out***
"would've" doesn't fit here because the sentence is saying the man "did" pass out because he was so drunk. Easy change to " ... he'd pass out ... "
***Historical section of Savannah.***
Because "section" is used, the implication is this isn't really a name of a certain part of the city, so question if "Historical" should be capped. If it is, then "section" should be capped as well because that would be part of the name
***befriended General Oglethorpe and the colonists. ***
Missing ending quote
***original carriage house; which contains***
What follows the semi-colon isn't a complete thought so a comma is needed (or no punctuation would work too)
*****
Cash called after her,
Why the break? Cash calling after Paige means there's no interruption in time or context because he's reacting to her hurrying off
***They are acting.Cash started to walk***
Missing spaces after period
***As the couple slowly faded away***
"slowly" isn't needed because "faded" already says that
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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The dialogue is excellent and the historical elements really added something. That's touchy because "educating" readers in fiction can be tough, but the author pulled if off well.
There are some SPAG issues below, but also a couple things I wanted to discuss as well.
The first is I had a hard time picturing the scene because there's no description of setting, no details that help the reader put themselves in the story. A good example is:
"The tour group then entered the Colonial Park Cemetery. "
And yet there's nothing describing the cemetery or the surroundings. When those details aren't there, it's much harder for the reader to picture the scene. Wouldn't take much, just some details to assist the reader.
The second thing is almost every dialogue tag is along the lines of:
whispered Paige.
Cash sighed
Paige giggled
Cash chuckled
A man in his twenties chuckled.
In fact, I don't see one "He said" or "She said" here at all. The problem is not only is there almost no variation with all these "signed" or "chuckled" and so on, but there's a danger readers can become distracted by them. There's a good reason why going with a "She said" much of the time is the accepted norm. It allows the reader to focus on the dialogue and move on to the next sentence without spending mental energy on "chuckled" and what not.
***behind the Pirates' House***
"House" isn't a proper noun in this context so shouldn't be capped
***get a man so drunk he would've passed out***
"would've" doesn't fit here because the sentence is saying the man "did" pass out because he was so drunk. Easy change to " ... he'd pass out ... "
***Historical section of Savannah.***
Because "section" is used, the implication is this isn't really a name of a certain part of the city, so question if "Historical" should be capped. If it is, then "section" should be capped as well because that would be part of the name
***befriended General Oglethorpe and the colonists. ***
Missing ending quote
***original carriage house; which contains***
What follows the semi-colon isn't a complete thought so a comma is needed (or no punctuation would work too)
*****
Cash called after her,
Why the break? Cash calling after Paige means there's no interruption in time or context because he's reacting to her hurrying off
***They are acting.Cash started to walk***
Missing spaces after period
***As the couple slowly faded away***
"slowly" isn't needed because "faded" already says that
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I have made most of the corrections you have suggested. The others I am working on. Thank you for your help.
Comment from Sneb
Nicely packed chapter, interesting even, with no siderails at miles sight. You are writing fit a certain kind of color that matches greatly to the storyline and the theme. The choice of words tells about your own unique style.
Well done, and keep it up!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Nicely packed chapter, interesting even, with no siderails at miles sight. You are writing fit a certain kind of color that matches greatly to the storyline and the theme. The choice of words tells about your own unique style.
Well done, and keep it up!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thank you for the the kind review.
Comment from Crystal Carey
Aww I really like the ghosts at the end. This chapter leaves you wondering what the next will bring(as any good story does) I can't wait to see the rest!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Aww I really like the ghosts at the end. This chapter leaves you wondering what the next will bring(as any good story does) I can't wait to see the rest!
Comment Written 12-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from EMB
Ha! What is it about people and ghosts and taking the concept lightly and about all DOUBTING YOUR OWN EYES? I mean, really. Hasn't the "eyes playing tricks on me" a tired cliche by now? (And how did that ever take hold anyway?) Still, I digress. For what I can see, this is a good chapter, though heavy on the documentary talk for my taste. But that's only because I'm no fan of anything remotely historical fiction. Also, this seems an odd way to stop a chapter, but they may just be your style.
Anyway, a highly professional piece of work.
Something to note:
...General Oglethorpe and the colonists.(Did Evan say ALL of this? There's no end quotation marks in this paragraph.)
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Ha! What is it about people and ghosts and taking the concept lightly and about all DOUBTING YOUR OWN EYES? I mean, really. Hasn't the "eyes playing tricks on me" a tired cliche by now? (And how did that ever take hold anyway?) Still, I digress. For what I can see, this is a good chapter, though heavy on the documentary talk for my taste. But that's only because I'm no fan of anything remotely historical fiction. Also, this seems an odd way to stop a chapter, but they may just be your style.
Anyway, a highly professional piece of work.
Something to note:
...General Oglethorpe and the colonists.(Did Evan say ALL of this? There's no end quotation marks in this paragraph.)
Comment Written 12-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I must have missed and ending quotation. I will check it out. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mastery
" and experience the things that go bump in Savannah's night" LOL...I Like this, Barb.)
How ya doing? This story has got a lot of character juice in it, and it tends to keep your chapter very much alive. You also have a lot of actual facts that propel the writing. Outstanding...Bob
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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" and experience the things that go bump in Savannah's night" LOL...I Like this, Barb.)
How ya doing? This story has got a lot of character juice in it, and it tends to keep your chapter very much alive. You also have a lot of actual facts that propel the writing. Outstanding...Bob
Comment Written 12-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
