Fear on the Bayou
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Heartburn"Two weeks in New Orleans for R&R
19 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
Great action throughout this chapter, Gayle. You are definitely bringing this down to a spectacular ending! I love how the dogs bring down Darius. And with his body being taken off by an alligator, Louise will be able to make up some kind of story. Well done!
Hugs, Bev
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
  |
Great action throughout this chapter, Gayle. You are definitely bringing this down to a spectacular ending! I love how the dogs bring down Darius. And with his body being taken off by an alligator, Louise will be able to make up some kind of story. Well done!
Hugs, Bev
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
Hey Bev, that one was so much fun to write. Love the dog action. I thought the alligator was a good touch, too. Ate the evidence as it were!
Thanks so much for the great comments and stars,
Hugs,
Gayle
-
Yes, that was quite satisfying -- oops, you know what I mean. :0) Bev
Comment from shelley kaye
hope the alligator doesn't get a hairball with all the fur LOL!
good chapter! the transformation and fight kinda went a little fast - maybe try and describe the scene more?
also, how did lenny get a pic of it? does their balcony overlook the the whole area? and how come they didn't notice the dogs go?
just a few questions that arose as i was reading lol
oh, awesome picture! you should totally use that pic for the bookcover - i'm sure your hubby could work wonders with it!!
thanx for sharing! :)
oh, the title would be cool for the book to: "a dog's heartburn" (or something like that ;-)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
|
hope the alligator doesn't get a hairball with all the fur LOL!
good chapter! the transformation and fight kinda went a little fast - maybe try and describe the scene more?
also, how did lenny get a pic of it? does their balcony overlook the the whole area? and how come they didn't notice the dogs go?
just a few questions that arose as i was reading lol
oh, awesome picture! you should totally use that pic for the bookcover - i'm sure your hubby could work wonders with it!!
thanx for sharing! :)
oh, the title would be cool for the book to: "a dog's heartburn" (or something like that ;-)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
You rascal, hairball! LOL!
Okay, I wanted to go fast there rather than have some bite by bite scene. No doubt I'll expand it a bit, but one reviewer earlier said that one of the things about the way I described the transition and the fight made it quick and clean and kept the action going. Second time around, I'll do both, lol.
I love that photo, too, but I have to get one with a spiked collar!
Thanks so much for the great review, my friend. You're the best!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from nor84
Why try the door surreptiously? He's with another man, it's daylight, The word implies something done by clandestine or stealthy means and it doesn't seem they're sneaking, just checking the door to see if it's locked.
She could simply have shrugged her shoulders >>> don't need 'her shoulders.'
We have a problem, mon Dieu!>>> Did you mean "Mon Dieu! We have a problem. We must speak..." It just seems as an odd placement for the exclammation, unless she's calling her cousin her god."
And the other one, he's a retired LA homicide detective, so he has all kinds of cop connections, even here in N'Orlins! >>>too long for an exclammation.
Terry arrived last, puffing with exertion. She took one look at Darius and shuddered. "Oh, God, oh no."
[what she says should be separated from the paragraph that tells what Lenny did.
Lenny grabbed her and turned her away from the carnage on the ground(.) (H)e blessed the dark that cloaked what would be a horrendous scene tomorrow at daybreak.>>>I suggest splitting that sentence something like that to get rid of two 'ands' in it.
I'm surprised you killed off the bad guy so soon, sis.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
|
Why try the door surreptiously? He's with another man, it's daylight, The word implies something done by clandestine or stealthy means and it doesn't seem they're sneaking, just checking the door to see if it's locked.
She could simply have shrugged her shoulders >>> don't need 'her shoulders.'
We have a problem, mon Dieu!>>> Did you mean "Mon Dieu! We have a problem. We must speak..." It just seems as an odd placement for the exclammation, unless she's calling her cousin her god."
And the other one, he's a retired LA homicide detective, so he has all kinds of cop connections, even here in N'Orlins! >>>too long for an exclammation.
Terry arrived last, puffing with exertion. She took one look at Darius and shuddered. "Oh, God, oh no."
[what she says should be separated from the paragraph that tells what Lenny did.
Lenny grabbed her and turned her away from the carnage on the ground(.) (H)e blessed the dark that cloaked what would be a horrendous scene tomorrow at daybreak.>>>I suggest splitting that sentence something like that to get rid of two 'ands' in it.
I'm surprised you killed off the bad guy so soon, sis.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
Hey Norma,
I guess being surreptitious just comes naturally to Lenny, sneaky dude that he is. You're right, no shoulders! Reminds me of Nighthawk's admonitions ...what else do you shrug, lol. Will fix, and actually, the one with the 'cop connections' I don't like it so much. Same with the long sentence. Will rework in second edit.
Now, you know me. I couldn't let Darius turn Ella into a werewolf and besides, this is pretty typical of my 'story within a story' presentation. Remember Dennis?
Thanks so much for the eagle eye, Sis, will be back at 'cha with a new chapter. Actually, part two of this one!
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Holy dog breath Batman, that wolf will never howl again, but quick, grab that overgrown handbag, he's going to dine on the evidence! Sorry, I had to write that, not sure why. All silliness aside, this was excellent. I don't even know where to begin. You packed so much action into this chapter, none of which was predictable. Possibly there were hints in previous chapters that I haven't read yet, but for me it was a total surprise. Never saw it coming and I was completely riveted to my chair. When I finished reading it I sat for a minute to absorb all that had happened, then read it a second time. I like how you handled Darius' transformation into the wolf. It was fast and took the reader by surprise. It wasn't drawn out with blow-by-blow descriptions. That would have stalled the action for sure but I strongly suspect you know that! I especially enjoyed how Amy had her nose straight up and smelled 'something' but you didn't give anything away, you just made it obvious Amy was clearly agitated. You handled the interaction of Amy and Tony working together against the wolf/Darius very well. They were co-dependent on each other's moves and the way you wrote their actions painted a splendid movie in my mind. Nice job.
When this chapter started out Lenny and Jim already seemed suspicious of Darius; (semicolons!) however, I thought the previous chapter ended with the trio (and Amy) just wanting to talk to Darius to see if he saw Ella or perhaps knew something else that might be helpful. I reread the last chapter and didn't see where Darius became a person of interest. Take this with a grain of salt because I lost Amy in the last chapter and she was on the deck of the golf cart!
You have hooked me and it will be interesting to learn how the guys find Ella now that Darius is alligator lunch meat. I enjoyed reading this chapter and all its surprises. Excellent.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
 |
Holy dog breath Batman, that wolf will never howl again, but quick, grab that overgrown handbag, he's going to dine on the evidence! Sorry, I had to write that, not sure why. All silliness aside, this was excellent. I don't even know where to begin. You packed so much action into this chapter, none of which was predictable. Possibly there were hints in previous chapters that I haven't read yet, but for me it was a total surprise. Never saw it coming and I was completely riveted to my chair. When I finished reading it I sat for a minute to absorb all that had happened, then read it a second time. I like how you handled Darius' transformation into the wolf. It was fast and took the reader by surprise. It wasn't drawn out with blow-by-blow descriptions. That would have stalled the action for sure but I strongly suspect you know that! I especially enjoyed how Amy had her nose straight up and smelled 'something' but you didn't give anything away, you just made it obvious Amy was clearly agitated. You handled the interaction of Amy and Tony working together against the wolf/Darius very well. They were co-dependent on each other's moves and the way you wrote their actions painted a splendid movie in my mind. Nice job.
When this chapter started out Lenny and Jim already seemed suspicious of Darius; (semicolons!) however, I thought the previous chapter ended with the trio (and Amy) just wanting to talk to Darius to see if he saw Ella or perhaps knew something else that might be helpful. I reread the last chapter and didn't see where Darius became a person of interest. Take this with a grain of salt because I lost Amy in the last chapter and she was on the deck of the golf cart!
You have hooked me and it will be interesting to learn how the guys find Ella now that Darius is alligator lunch meat. I enjoyed reading this chapter and all its surprises. Excellent.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
LMAO! How funny, holy dog breath! Here's another one to print out for a rainy day! You are a treasure.
Well, we readers all know the story, but Jim, Lenny and Terry, they're just going on what they know. They didn't have any real reason to suspect Darius except for Amy's strange reaction to him. That and the possibility that Ella might have gone back to the shop to buy something, although they all admit that's pretty thin. Actually, they're stumped.
Same with Louise. I mean, they're vacationing at this plantation, total strangers all around. Why would they think Louise would lie? In their guts they know this didn't happen the way she says, but short of calling her a liar, what can they do? And always, the why? Why did Ella leave? So, they go sleuthing on their own.
I hope to have the second half of this chapter polished up and ready to go by tomorrow. This is the one thing bad about FS! We can only submit two chapters, max, per day. And I'm having a hard time keeping up with even one chapter! Yikes!
Thanks so much for the absolutely fabulous review.
Hugs,
Gayle
-
I'm making a point to finish reading all the previous chapters (still have a few to go) before you post the next one. Glad you thought the Batman thing was funny.
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
Flawlessly paced, meticulously edited piece of work here. Clean as a whistle, without an ounce of fat!
Loved the dogs' heroic valor, and especially the tidy alligator meat ending. All's well that ends well with a gator's belly full! Well done.
cheers
js
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
|
Flawlessly paced, meticulously edited piece of work here. Clean as a whistle, without an ounce of fat!
Loved the dogs' heroic valor, and especially the tidy alligator meat ending. All's well that ends well with a gator's belly full! Well done.
cheers
js
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
Hello my friend! You liked that one, huh? I had a ball, absolutely. I rank this one as one of my favorites to write. I'm going to try to find my two all-time faves out of two previous books to send to you.
Oh, how're you doing with Dennis? I'll have to explain the opening scene to you a little better. I normally don't write purple, lol.
Talk soon, Jon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
A feral wolf would be a little more than an even match for two dogs. However, The wolf went for amy's throat which was protected by a studded color. You handle the action, very well. Good job.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
|
A feral wolf would be a little more than an even match for two dogs. However, The wolf went for amy's throat which was protected by a studded color. You handle the action, very well. Good job.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
Hey Charlie, and I agree, a wolf would be a match for one dog alone, but considering their training and the fact that they're so big, I think the two of them brought him down fair and square. I think in the book I'm going to expand that part a bit. I want to show that Amy is pissed at him, not only because he took Ella, but he kept her!
Hey, my friend, always so good to see you!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
You're welcome Gayle. Good idead. Charlie
Comment from Penworthy
The action would work in a movie, but you are writing a novel and your words and actions don't terrify. Merely stringing a series of happenings together does not constitute a frightening adventure. I don't feel any terror. Making the chill and fear palpable should be your aim.
For the most part, your story is a clean write, but it lacks pizzazz.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
 |
The action would work in a movie, but you are writing a novel and your words and actions don't terrify. Merely stringing a series of happenings together does not constitute a frightening adventure. I don't feel any terror. Making the chill and fear palpable should be your aim.
For the most part, your story is a clean write, but it lacks pizzazz.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
Ah, and with you being in New Orleans, your input would have been so valuable! Sorry this one didn't do it for you, but we're already over 40K words into the novel, so it's understandable you were a bit lost.
Thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Misrael
Yes that was a real horror and thriller but I have read worse. I take it that there will be more in the future? I am just glad that you didn't use any foul language as I feel as though it detracts from the story. Good read and good job. Keep on writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
|
Yes that was a real horror and thriller but I have read worse. I take it that there will be more in the future? I am just glad that you didn't use any foul language as I feel as though it detracts from the story. Good read and good job. Keep on writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
His Mis, been a long time. It's Gayle here, as I see you're reading with blinders. I've gone a long way in perfecting the strength of my word choices, thereby eliminating, for the most part, the need for serious language. I will confess that in times of extreme emotion, it does creep in, but I'm glad you felt I could project the fright and fear without burning your ears.
Thank you very much and I hope to see you again soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle:
No body, no crime, correct? Of course, what exactly would
they charge Amy & Tony with? I suppose Lenny and Jim could
be charged with having dangerous dogs in their possession
but too many people have seen them both (Amy & Tony, that
is) on their best behavior for that.
Darius wanted to walk on the wild side, now he will get
to live forever in the innards of something fairly wild -
a humongous, powerful, hungry, bull alligator. Gives a whole new meaning to going undercover, doesn't it? Of course, the guys and Terry still do not know where Ella is.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
|
Gayle:
No body, no crime, correct? Of course, what exactly would
they charge Amy & Tony with? I suppose Lenny and Jim could
be charged with having dangerous dogs in their possession
but too many people have seen them both (Amy & Tony, that
is) on their best behavior for that.
Darius wanted to walk on the wild side, now he will get
to live forever in the innards of something fairly wild -
a humongous, powerful, hungry, bull alligator. Gives a whole new meaning to going undercover, doesn't it? Of course, the guys and Terry still do not know where Ella is.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
-
LOL, Jan, you've got that right. No body, no crime. We just have to see how this all shakes out. Louise is horrified and she's probably royally pissed, but she's got a vested interest in staying quiet.
With Amy already in the 'three strikes' position, Jim and Lenny don't want to mention her involvement to the cops, so the truth is hard to find here ... or more to the point, in the next chapter.
Thanks so much for the lovely stars, my friend!
Hugs,
Gayle
