Savannah Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Chapter 2, part I"Can a fallen confederate soldier encourage love?
68 total reviews
Comment from donaldww
Great start to chapter 2. Ms. Paula's niece has come to live in her deceased Aunt's house. I take it the the two guys are part of the gardening staff? She must be good looking and has money too. I like the two male characters, and even though they're from the South, I appreciate that you don't go overboard with dialect.
I expect at some point there will be a tie in to the civil war sequence from Ch. 1.
I noticed this tiny thing:
My associate, Billy Joe, and I, will help tote your bags. [no comma after 'I'. Billy Joe is an aside.]
Excellent!
Now I'm off to read the follow on.
DW
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2012
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Great start to chapter 2. Ms. Paula's niece has come to live in her deceased Aunt's house. I take it the the two guys are part of the gardening staff? She must be good looking and has money too. I like the two male characters, and even though they're from the South, I appreciate that you don't go overboard with dialect.
I expect at some point there will be a tie in to the civil war sequence from Ch. 1.
I noticed this tiny thing:
My associate, Billy Joe, and I, will help tote your bags. [no comma after 'I'. Billy Joe is an aside.]
Excellent!
Now I'm off to read the follow on.
DW
Comment Written 10-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from the_tronic_orb
This is a really great dipiction of the south and I would like to read more of your piece to get a real feel for the house and specifically the city. To me, it seems you can use the southern twang a bit more with the characters who use it. Just a thought.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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This is a really great dipiction of the south and I would like to read more of your piece to get a real feel for the house and specifically the city. To me, it seems you can use the southern twang a bit more with the characters who use it. Just a thought.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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I have been told by two reviewers that I should stop using it so much because it's irritating. I will take a look see. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sloegin
You got your message across and finished with a good hook. Early on you established the "Yankee-southern" situation. After a few more lines of it, it got monotonous. You can cut out most and still get your message across.
I'm sure your readers are more interested in ghosts than, Y'alls.
Keep writing.
sloegin
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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You got your message across and finished with a good hook. Early on you established the "Yankee-southern" situation. After a few more lines of it, it got monotonous. You can cut out most and still get your message across.
I'm sure your readers are more interested in ghosts than, Y'alls.
Keep writing.
sloegin
Comment Written 10-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Interesting review. I will take a look.
Comment from rama devi
Very good chapter, dear B. Even though i did not get a chance to read previous chapters, I felt drawn in to the scene and started to know the characters. you do a good job of enhancing characterization through dialog style and subject. Good dialog, as usual, with just enough narrative and action tags to make the scene vivid in the reader's eye but not slow down the swift pace and easy-reading this offers.
The only tiny suggestion is to consider not having Two POVs in cone chapter. Perhaps this is written in Omniscient POV? It was not a big stumble, and having the **** helps the reader to know the POV is shifting. However, it makes a slight choppiness in terms of shift of flavor. Might be a good thing--I have to read more to really know.
Otherwise, this seems a great chapter. i did not notice spag nits or any other issues.
Bravo
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Very good chapter, dear B. Even though i did not get a chance to read previous chapters, I felt drawn in to the scene and started to know the characters. you do a good job of enhancing characterization through dialog style and subject. Good dialog, as usual, with just enough narrative and action tags to make the scene vivid in the reader's eye but not slow down the swift pace and easy-reading this offers.
The only tiny suggestion is to consider not having Two POVs in cone chapter. Perhaps this is written in Omniscient POV? It was not a big stumble, and having the **** helps the reader to know the POV is shifting. However, it makes a slight choppiness in terms of shift of flavor. Might be a good thing--I have to read more to really know.
Otherwise, this seems a great chapter. i did not notice spag nits or any other issues.
Bravo
Love,
rd
Comment Written 10-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and I will take another look at the POV,
Comment from kashmayank
well thought and well written piece.The floww was there so found it very pleasurable to read although in my opinion was a bit long .Then also nice job
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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well thought and well written piece.The floww was there so found it very pleasurable to read although in my opinion was a bit long .Then also nice job
Comment Written 10-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, nice chapter introducing the characters. I'm thinking of the relation to the earlier chapters. See some suggestions:
Paige was raised in Boston and inherited an antebellum house.
I wonder what type of house is that?
[He] wiped his hand on his blue jeans, then shook hers. "Cash Wilkins. - since the last guy who spoke was Redman, [He] there automatically refers to him. Suggest use 'Cash'.
"My associate, Billy Joe and I'll help tote your bags." He motioned for his friend to help. - the dialogue sounds like he's just introducing his friend, and not stating that his friend will help too. how about these two:
"My associate, Billy Joe, and I, will help tote your bags."
"Here's my associate, Billy Joe. We'll help tote your bags."
Billy Joe laughed. "I guess the Georgia July sun doesn't work [to] well with black leather seats." - too
Cash smiled as [he watched her] jog into the house. - at times no need to state 'he watched'. You use the phrase a few times already. If we're with him, we know he's watching. Simply:
Cash smiled as she jogged into the house.
Paige [titled] her head. "Groceries." - tilted
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Hi Barb, nice chapter introducing the characters. I'm thinking of the relation to the earlier chapters. See some suggestions:
Paige was raised in Boston and inherited an antebellum house.
I wonder what type of house is that?
[He] wiped his hand on his blue jeans, then shook hers. "Cash Wilkins. - since the last guy who spoke was Redman, [He] there automatically refers to him. Suggest use 'Cash'.
"My associate, Billy Joe and I'll help tote your bags." He motioned for his friend to help. - the dialogue sounds like he's just introducing his friend, and not stating that his friend will help too. how about these two:
"My associate, Billy Joe, and I, will help tote your bags."
"Here's my associate, Billy Joe. We'll help tote your bags."
Billy Joe laughed. "I guess the Georgia July sun doesn't work [to] well with black leather seats." - too
Cash smiled as [he watched her] jog into the house. - at times no need to state 'he watched'. You use the phrase a few times already. If we're with him, we know he's watching. Simply:
Cash smiled as she jogged into the house.
Paige [titled] her head. "Groceries." - tilted
Comment Written 09-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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In this post I've stated that Cash is a specialist at Greek Revival architecture and was hired to remodel the house. I was hoping that was enough. Do I need to say more. I will correct those areas. Thank you for your kind review.
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barb, the question was just for my personal knowledge. i have no idea what an antebellum house is. haven't heard of the word. you know i'm in a different part of the world, so i got curious. so it's Greek's type of house?
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sorry, I misunderstood the question. In the US an antebellum house is any house that came before our Civil War. This one happens to be Greek Revival.
Comment from Taffspride
This is such a well written piece which just flowed.
I did notice a couple of punctuation errors.
Why don't you two come in and I'll get some ice for your tonic and you can eat some Heroes?" [This is a run on sentence, add a comma needed after tonic].
"We'd better get back to work or we'll be late for supper." [same thing, comma after work].
I'd better call the police [needs period after police].
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Iechyd da
Taffspride
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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This is such a well written piece which just flowed.
I did notice a couple of punctuation errors.
Why don't you two come in and I'll get some ice for your tonic and you can eat some Heroes?" [This is a run on sentence, add a comma needed after tonic].
"We'd better get back to work or we'll be late for supper." [same thing, comma after work].
I'd better call the police [needs period after police].
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Iechyd da
Taffspride
Comment Written 09-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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I will check those areas. Thank you for your eagle eye.
Comment from Adri7enne
Ah, you've got a new novel underway, uh? Sounds good.
Do the yankees really call all carbonated drinks "tonic"? Sort of confusing!
So Po Boys are the southern version of hero sandwiches. It's an education. LOL!
Well done, Barb. I'll keep an eye open for more.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Ah, you've got a new novel underway, uh? Sounds good.
Do the yankees really call all carbonated drinks "tonic"? Sort of confusing!
So Po Boys are the southern version of hero sandwiches. It's an education. LOL!
Well done, Barb. I'll keep an eye open for more.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Tonic - Only in Massachusetts!!!! Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Meena Jawahrani
I like the way this story seems to be developing and would love to read what happens next.
Aunt Paula seems to present in her absence and it intrigues me to know more about her.
The flow nudges you to keep reading.
Good luck with next chapters
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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I like the way this story seems to be developing and would love to read what happens next.
Aunt Paula seems to present in her absence and it intrigues me to know more about her.
The flow nudges you to keep reading.
Good luck with next chapters
Comment Written 09-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
This is an excellent introduction to Paige and Cash. It is easy to get a feel for the differences between the rich Bostonian girl and the southern men, Cash and Billy Joe.
I felt the wealth of the old south, personified by the huge antebellum mansion surrounded by a cusped arched fence. I've seen many examples in New Orleans, Natchez and Savannah.
The Jaguar convertible was a nice touch, but I felt that Alan Redman's black Lincoln was too much. I would downplay both him and his expensive town car. The first name mentioned in this important chapter should be either Paige Swanson or Cash Wilkins, because the story will be largle about them.
I suggest that you simplify the first three paragraphs to pu all the importance on the main characters and Paige's obvious wealth and attractive looks.
I liked the following exchange...,
"Can a Yankee woman wear Daisy Dukes?" Billy Joe grinned.
"She is." Cash wiped the sweat from his forehead. Her ponytail and her cute little butt swish the same direction at the same time. He watched her open the car door.
....however, I was jarred by the idea that Paige was wearing such 'short shorts'. I think the fact that she was wearing shorts should have been mentioned already. Then the reference to 'Daisy Dukes, would have evoked in immediate image of the main female 'eye candy' from 'The Dukes of Hazzard.'
Most of this chapter flowed well and started good character development. I just think you can tighten the story significantly. Opening chapters need to be very tight and limited to the most important details of characters, setting and action. Too many characters, too much setting detail or unnecessary action, can slow the story and confuse readers.
I do like the story and see the possibilities for a good romance. I really wanted to give you six stars, but I see a need for a more powerful opening.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Hi Barbara:)
This is an excellent introduction to Paige and Cash. It is easy to get a feel for the differences between the rich Bostonian girl and the southern men, Cash and Billy Joe.
I felt the wealth of the old south, personified by the huge antebellum mansion surrounded by a cusped arched fence. I've seen many examples in New Orleans, Natchez and Savannah.
The Jaguar convertible was a nice touch, but I felt that Alan Redman's black Lincoln was too much. I would downplay both him and his expensive town car. The first name mentioned in this important chapter should be either Paige Swanson or Cash Wilkins, because the story will be largle about them.
I suggest that you simplify the first three paragraphs to pu all the importance on the main characters and Paige's obvious wealth and attractive looks.
I liked the following exchange...,
"Can a Yankee woman wear Daisy Dukes?" Billy Joe grinned.
"She is." Cash wiped the sweat from his forehead. Her ponytail and her cute little butt swish the same direction at the same time. He watched her open the car door.
....however, I was jarred by the idea that Paige was wearing such 'short shorts'. I think the fact that she was wearing shorts should have been mentioned already. Then the reference to 'Daisy Dukes, would have evoked in immediate image of the main female 'eye candy' from 'The Dukes of Hazzard.'
Most of this chapter flowed well and started good character development. I just think you can tighten the story significantly. Opening chapters need to be very tight and limited to the most important details of characters, setting and action. Too many characters, too much setting detail or unnecessary action, can slow the story and confuse readers.
I do like the story and see the possibilities for a good romance. I really wanted to give you six stars, but I see a need for a more powerful opening.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 09-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2012
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Thank you for your review and I will look at those areas.
