Memoir
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "A Lawnchair on Mars"True story
40 total reviews
Comment from RodG
I am thinking this is half of the 95-Page letter you wrote. There is so much here about YOU & DESRT STORM, but perhaps too much for a single reading. Still, I learned much about that war, the locale, how a single soldier spent much of his time, and the life story of dung beetles. Your opening paragraph is superb as it makes us SEE that Desrt. I also like how you intersperse military jargon. I really do want to thank you for sharing YOUR STORY, Bill. Good luck in the contest. Rod
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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I am thinking this is half of the 95-Page letter you wrote. There is so much here about YOU & DESRT STORM, but perhaps too much for a single reading. Still, I learned much about that war, the locale, how a single soldier spent much of his time, and the life story of dung beetles. Your opening paragraph is superb as it makes us SEE that Desrt. I also like how you intersperse military jargon. I really do want to thank you for sharing YOUR STORY, Bill. Good luck in the contest. Rod
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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I appreciate your giving this a look, Rod. I know it?s a bit long for Fanstory readers, but I couldn?t bring myself to pare off any more. This contest was six years ago; I?m standing up some older work in preparation for an anthology. Thanks for the excellent review. Bill
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You are very welcome. Giving old material another look years later Is a great idea as it gives you a good idea of how far you have come as a writer AND sometimes motivates you to try something new. Good luck with the anthology. Rod
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow, Bill -- this is awesomely written! :) :) Your language is so very well fitted to the situation (not that such would be a problem for you!!), but the fact is that not everyone I know that speaks that "language" could put together such a captivating and, even though the mood is what it is, entertaining piece! :) :) Your use of the dung beetle as a common thread ... just great! :) :)
Oh, and my favorite quote EVER: "Warriors need to know how to kill and be comfortable."
Thank you for sharing (did the wife enjoy the tome?)!
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Wow, Bill -- this is awesomely written! :) :) Your language is so very well fitted to the situation (not that such would be a problem for you!!), but the fact is that not everyone I know that speaks that "language" could put together such a captivating and, even though the mood is what it is, entertaining piece! :) :) Your use of the dung beetle as a common thread ... just great! :) :)
Oh, and my favorite quote EVER: "Warriors need to know how to kill and be comfortable."
Thank you for sharing (did the wife enjoy the tome?)!
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Y, for the terrific review. The quote derives from what my regimental operations chief told me about field duty. He noted that you don?t have to plan to be miserable, that comes naturally. You have to plan to be comfortable.
My wife says she cried through the letter and has it in a box with our other deployment mailings. Before Kuwait was Beirut. After Desert Storm was Somalia and Haiti. Lots of letters.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very interesting and well worded non-fiction you have penned for the contest. As I read it I felt like I was right there also. You used great descriptive words and those words were full of great imagery. Thank you for sharing! blessings Teri
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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This is a very interesting and well worded non-fiction you have penned for the contest. As I read it I felt like I was right there also. You used great descriptive words and those words were full of great imagery. Thank you for sharing! blessings Teri
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Teri.
Comment from adewpearl
Great, mood-creating description of setting
Lonesome Dove, a western - Western
you set the stage well
whoever read that last letter, would know - I would drop the comma
love the humor in what Uncle Sam sold to King Fahd LOL
You have a most engaging narrative style
Brooke
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Great, mood-creating description of setting
Lonesome Dove, a western - Western
you set the stage well
whoever read that last letter, would know - I would drop the comma
love the humor in what Uncle Sam sold to King Fahd LOL
You have a most engaging narrative style
Brooke
Comment Written 10-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Brooke,
Thank you for your instructive and complimentary review. Bill
Comment from kellymarino
Absolutely breathtaking! As to WHY I say that, I don't even know where to begin: It might have been in that 2nd paragraph, where you mentioned Lonesome Dove (my all-time favorite novel) and the endless desert--the llano, as it was called.
The letter to your wife struck a nerve...my dad is a Korean War Veteran, and my hubby is a Navy Veteran (whose ship patrolled the Persian Gulf just prior to the 1st Gulf War)...so I know a thing or two about letters written to a man's loved ones back home.
My interest intensified when you said, "We are in a world of shit." That was probably the most riveting part of Stanley Kubrick's incomparable masterpiece, "Full Metal Jacket," when Private Pyle said that to The Joke Master in the bathroom just before he blew Gunnery Sergeant Hartman away. All WAR is a world of SHIT, but sometimes, neither can be avoided, and it is Marines like you who run headlong into the fire to keep that world of shit away from us civilians.
Your candid, yet oh-so-necessary observations of dung beetles and their activities was bold and truthful. Not many people can pull that one off, but you did it beautifully!
"Sand, like an unsleeping artist, grain by grain, would reclaim the auburn earth," is positively SUBLIME. As was the canvas and the "painting" you spoke of.
I would tip my hat to you, sir, if I had one; however, I will stand up, cheer, and say, humbly, Happy Veterans Day (it's tomorrow), and THANK YOU for writing such a powerful piece and for serving this nation :)
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Absolutely breathtaking! As to WHY I say that, I don't even know where to begin: It might have been in that 2nd paragraph, where you mentioned Lonesome Dove (my all-time favorite novel) and the endless desert--the llano, as it was called.
The letter to your wife struck a nerve...my dad is a Korean War Veteran, and my hubby is a Navy Veteran (whose ship patrolled the Persian Gulf just prior to the 1st Gulf War)...so I know a thing or two about letters written to a man's loved ones back home.
My interest intensified when you said, "We are in a world of shit." That was probably the most riveting part of Stanley Kubrick's incomparable masterpiece, "Full Metal Jacket," when Private Pyle said that to The Joke Master in the bathroom just before he blew Gunnery Sergeant Hartman away. All WAR is a world of SHIT, but sometimes, neither can be avoided, and it is Marines like you who run headlong into the fire to keep that world of shit away from us civilians.
Your candid, yet oh-so-necessary observations of dung beetles and their activities was bold and truthful. Not many people can pull that one off, but you did it beautifully!
"Sand, like an unsleeping artist, grain by grain, would reclaim the auburn earth," is positively SUBLIME. As was the canvas and the "painting" you spoke of.
I would tip my hat to you, sir, if I had one; however, I will stand up, cheer, and say, humbly, Happy Veterans Day (it's tomorrow), and THANK YOU for writing such a powerful piece and for serving this nation :)
Comment Written 10-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Kelly,
I am humbled by your indepth and flattering review of this story. I am sorry that you have been subjected to the destruction of the hurricane. Your strength and courage are meant for these times. Thank you. Bill
Comment from Selina Stambi
I was fascinated by your firsthand account - it puts a human face to news clips and Time Magazine articles. Thank you, Bill. I love 'the cinnamon sea' - there were many sparkling glimmers of poetry in your prose
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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I was fascinated by your firsthand account - it puts a human face to news clips and Time Magazine articles. Thank you, Bill. I love 'the cinnamon sea' - there were many sparkling glimmers of poetry in your prose
Comment Written 10-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Thank you for your flattering and generous review. Bill
Comment from THEHISTORYMAKER
Thought this a very interesting read. Perhaps one day, some one, will turn it into a film. It must be hard for men to still be with their women, so far away. I know I would miss mine terribly. Keep up the excellent work.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Thought this a very interesting read. Perhaps one day, some one, will turn it into a film. It must be hard for men to still be with their women, so far away. I know I would miss mine terribly. Keep up the excellent work.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2012
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Thank you for your kind and encoraging review. Bill
Comment from THE FREAK
My saying is... people can write a story, but to write a story well require and author. You my friend are an author, great story, lawn chair on mars, good ambiance to it, I noticed. But there is a flow condition, rather a stop - start bow boat affect. For example...
I left that desert. It became a story in my mind that I seldom tell. The time I spent in the middle of that cinnamon sea improved me. I learned more about value, and I learned a lot more about perspective. I shared my life with a woman who was 12,000 miles away, in a way that I might never have dared.
My helpful arm would like ask you for additional criticism... Try this
I left the desert for it became a part of me, circling within my limited mind, begging to be announced about the events that took place, a story worthwhile heard so many times; for the time spent basking shoulder deep amongst the cinnamon sea water, improve every essence, including mind - body and soul. The archived wisdom I gained for my love, my epicentre of meaning and hope is valued a million billionth greater than love ever could scale; perspective hit me for I once shared a life with a goddess, graceful, elegant and deranged for my heart sleeps with a worried soul 12,000 miles away. To question why I did this... within my mind is still unknown.
This is my helpful arm my friend, you can use it as a template, bin it, use it, completely up to you for I know the meaning of your worrying tale. I think it is a great story, well worthy of five stars hands down, great job. Keep it up!
THE FREAK
Don't forget to vote
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2012
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My saying is... people can write a story, but to write a story well require and author. You my friend are an author, great story, lawn chair on mars, good ambiance to it, I noticed. But there is a flow condition, rather a stop - start bow boat affect. For example...
I left that desert. It became a story in my mind that I seldom tell. The time I spent in the middle of that cinnamon sea improved me. I learned more about value, and I learned a lot more about perspective. I shared my life with a woman who was 12,000 miles away, in a way that I might never have dared.
My helpful arm would like ask you for additional criticism... Try this
I left the desert for it became a part of me, circling within my limited mind, begging to be announced about the events that took place, a story worthwhile heard so many times; for the time spent basking shoulder deep amongst the cinnamon sea water, improve every essence, including mind - body and soul. The archived wisdom I gained for my love, my epicentre of meaning and hope is valued a million billionth greater than love ever could scale; perspective hit me for I once shared a life with a goddess, graceful, elegant and deranged for my heart sleeps with a worried soul 12,000 miles away. To question why I did this... within my mind is still unknown.
This is my helpful arm my friend, you can use it as a template, bin it, use it, completely up to you for I know the meaning of your worrying tale. I think it is a great story, well worthy of five stars hands down, great job. Keep it up!
THE FREAK
Don't forget to vote
Comment Written 07-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2012
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Thank you for your kind and encouraging review. Bill
Comment from Taurean Monkey
What a great line:
There was that perverted, sadistic, formula crap for a while, but you had to be between shock treatments to read that garbage. A serial letter writer, huh? I can relate to that :-)
Would you say it fitted into my sea bag, as opposed to it fit?
I love the dung beetle world of shit analogy to describe the hell the troops found themselves in.
Interesting how you depersonalised 'the body':
The bags of parts, parts waiting to be pulled from the bag and put into a bag with the rest of its body.
I shouldn't laugh at 'Fagdad'now GO WAIT but I did.
What's a POAG?
Somebody crapped on your artwork?! The military sense of humour, eh?
This is superb. The writing and humour contained within it is excellent, Bill. A warts and all account of day to day life when on a tour of duty, from a human perspective (as opposed to media reporting on events or fly on the wall documentaries). I love 'cinnamon sea'. You really do possess the gift of storytelling. Although it's non-fiction, you allow the reader to laugh, even though you're dealing with the harshest tests that man can face. Thank you for the read. TM
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2012
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What a great line:
There was that perverted, sadistic, formula crap for a while, but you had to be between shock treatments to read that garbage. A serial letter writer, huh? I can relate to that :-)
Would you say it fitted into my sea bag, as opposed to it fit?
I love the dung beetle world of shit analogy to describe the hell the troops found themselves in.
Interesting how you depersonalised 'the body':
The bags of parts, parts waiting to be pulled from the bag and put into a bag with the rest of its body.
I shouldn't laugh at 'Fagdad'now GO WAIT but I did.
What's a POAG?
Somebody crapped on your artwork?! The military sense of humour, eh?
This is superb. The writing and humour contained within it is excellent, Bill. A warts and all account of day to day life when on a tour of duty, from a human perspective (as opposed to media reporting on events or fly on the wall documentaries). I love 'cinnamon sea'. You really do possess the gift of storytelling. Although it's non-fiction, you allow the reader to laugh, even though you're dealing with the harshest tests that man can face. Thank you for the read. TM
Comment Written 27-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2012
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TM, Thank you for reading and taking the time to review this piece. Thank you you also for the high marks at which you assessed it. The verb 'fit' is an irregular verb and doesn't add an 'ed' in the past tense. The word 'poag' is a term for an office clerk. Thanks again for your kind words. Bill
Comment from Gargantuan2
Very descriptive prose, and I think you do well with it. I liked the write and hope there is more to come. Maybe something about your first days back. Until then :)
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2012
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Very descriptive prose, and I think you do well with it. I liked the write and hope there is more to come. Maybe something about your first days back. Until then :)
Comment Written 25-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your kind and thoughtful review. Bill
