Blind Trust
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Control Issues"A woman is stalked by a fan
16 total reviews
Comment from RenieReader
Dang this new thang with clearing out my messages before I can get them read. This is one marvelous chapter. I'm right there on the scene, experiencing everything from the characters perspective. I've got a very baaaaad feeling about Norman being 'out.'
The driver hollered, "Great wheels!" while (omit==>the) [an]other girl(s) elbowed her, laughing. (I got this mental image of all these elbows flying at the driver. :D)
The light changed[.] (and) [t==>The Porsche and (the) BMW charged down the street to the next traffic light.
(A lot of 'nodding' going on here)
Ella turned to Cathy, nodding several times.
She nodded at the simple silk dress hanging on the closet door
Ella glanced at the clock on the wall and nodded at Terry.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2010
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Dang this new thang with clearing out my messages before I can get them read. This is one marvelous chapter. I'm right there on the scene, experiencing everything from the characters perspective. I've got a very baaaaad feeling about Norman being 'out.'
The driver hollered, "Great wheels!" while (omit==>the) [an]other girl(s) elbowed her, laughing. (I got this mental image of all these elbows flying at the driver. :D)
The light changed[.] (and) [t==>The Porsche and (the) BMW charged down the street to the next traffic light.
(A lot of 'nodding' going on here)
Ella turned to Cathy, nodding several times.
She nodded at the simple silk dress hanging on the closet door
Ella glanced at the clock on the wall and nodded at Terry.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 14-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2010
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Hey you! Back from the land of wherever, I see. Hope you're feeling up to snuff and ready to go. Yeah, it's hard to stop the nodding, isn't it. I'll make a note, for sure and make adjustments. This chapter, Amazing Grace, and the next two are paramount for the reader.
So glad you're better, my friend!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from ZigzagMLT
The ending was scary, in the sense of here we go again!
I loved the transformation that you hinted at while the characters were getting dressed, and then unveiled through the eyes of Nathan. Nicely done. Though it would have been good to hear or see what Rudy thought of the outcome. Perhaps there's room for a bit of that there.
Loved the beginning, and the description of the two restaurant owners taking notes - very authentic.
Thanks!
Zigzagmlt
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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The ending was scary, in the sense of here we go again!
I loved the transformation that you hinted at while the characters were getting dressed, and then unveiled through the eyes of Nathan. Nicely done. Though it would have been good to hear or see what Rudy thought of the outcome. Perhaps there's room for a bit of that there.
Loved the beginning, and the description of the two restaurant owners taking notes - very authentic.
Thanks!
Zigzagmlt
Comment Written 28-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2010
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Hi Zig!
Good to see you again. Hope you had a agreat weekend. There's another chapter out that goes a bit more into how Rudy feels. Thanks so much for the great review and kind words.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Thanks! I will be on the lookout! Z
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle:
Not going to let it ruin my diet
I just want to say hi after so
long without seeing you -- I'll
just have to read this without
reviewing the bulk of it, I
suppose. So good to see you again.
PM me your email address again so
I can email you pics of my grand-
daughter. love, jan
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2010
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Gayle:
Not going to let it ruin my diet
I just want to say hi after so
long without seeing you -- I'll
just have to read this without
reviewing the bulk of it, I
suppose. So good to see you again.
PM me your email address again so
I can email you pics of my grand-
daughter. love, jan
Comment Written 23-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2010
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Well, hi Jan! How are you doing? It's been ages. The pm is on the way. I can't wait to see your little darling!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from patmedium
WELL... I am SSSOOO relieved. I felt sure you'd have her at the 'do' without Rudy. Now I'm not worried because he's there! Silly of me, eh? Because you're bound to make something blooming scary happen in the next chapter! Pat.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2010
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WELL... I am SSSOOO relieved. I felt sure you'd have her at the 'do' without Rudy. Now I'm not worried because he's there! Silly of me, eh? Because you're bound to make something blooming scary happen in the next chapter! Pat.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2010
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Hey Pat!
Never fear, I'm working on making this really scary. Glad you liked this one. Your comments and kind words of encouragement mean so much. Thank you!
Hugs,
Gayle
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xxx
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle!
Glad to see another chapter up! That Norman just doesn't quit, does he. We'll see how Nathan makes out...
Again, really nice job with the dialogue, especially with Rudy, about going to the party/dinner. Made me laugh, and as usual, you've made me hungry, and it's only 8:30 in the morning!!!!
Only a few things to check out. First, consider an extra line space or page break when you transition from the men to the women getting ready for the party. It was a bit of an abrupt change. Reread and see if you see what I mean.
Here we go:
filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's. Long hair flowing and toothy smiles (no comma, no apostrophe needed: 'filled with gorgeous twenty-somethings'.)
A little Beemer sat in the right lane, filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's. Long hair flowing and toothy smiles wide, they raised their thumbs at the car and waited. The driver hollered, "Great wheels!" while the other girls elbowed her, laughing. (okay, I got stuck here. I first thought the girls raised their thumbs at the guys in the Porche, but then realized that it might be the Jag? Maybe specify? Your call. See if anyone else dings you on this.)
This is the most useless, good for nothing little car."
(good-for-nothing?)
But I don't have a tux, guys; sorry (I don't think you need a semicolon here, Gayle. It's debatable, and the reason why I think you might want to go with a dash, or even a comma is that you have quite a few semicolons in this chapter. Watch overuse.)
Lenny grinned, lips quirked at the corners
(if his lips are quirked at the corners, isn't that grinning? consider just 'Lenny's lips quirked at the corners')
and requests for another round of drinks sometime soon and perhaps a light snack would be nice; nothing too filling.
(This is phrased awkwardly, Gayle. Maybe turn this into dialogue, or specify who made the request for a light snack. The 'would be nice, nothing to filling' sounds like dialogue, not narrative. Also, watch that ellipsis!)
Senior prom in college?" (Ooh, I don't know about 'senior prom in college'. I don't think they do that - at least I've never heard of it. Maybe senior prom in high school?)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hey Gayle!
Glad to see another chapter up! That Norman just doesn't quit, does he. We'll see how Nathan makes out...
Again, really nice job with the dialogue, especially with Rudy, about going to the party/dinner. Made me laugh, and as usual, you've made me hungry, and it's only 8:30 in the morning!!!!
Only a few things to check out. First, consider an extra line space or page break when you transition from the men to the women getting ready for the party. It was a bit of an abrupt change. Reread and see if you see what I mean.
Here we go:
filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's. Long hair flowing and toothy smiles (no comma, no apostrophe needed: 'filled with gorgeous twenty-somethings'.)
A little Beemer sat in the right lane, filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's. Long hair flowing and toothy smiles wide, they raised their thumbs at the car and waited. The driver hollered, "Great wheels!" while the other girls elbowed her, laughing. (okay, I got stuck here. I first thought the girls raised their thumbs at the guys in the Porche, but then realized that it might be the Jag? Maybe specify? Your call. See if anyone else dings you on this.)
This is the most useless, good for nothing little car."
(good-for-nothing?)
But I don't have a tux, guys; sorry (I don't think you need a semicolon here, Gayle. It's debatable, and the reason why I think you might want to go with a dash, or even a comma is that you have quite a few semicolons in this chapter. Watch overuse.)
Lenny grinned, lips quirked at the corners
(if his lips are quirked at the corners, isn't that grinning? consider just 'Lenny's lips quirked at the corners')
and requests for another round of drinks sometime soon and perhaps a light snack would be nice; nothing too filling.
(This is phrased awkwardly, Gayle. Maybe turn this into dialogue, or specify who made the request for a light snack. The 'would be nice, nothing to filling' sounds like dialogue, not narrative. Also, watch that ellipsis!)
Senior prom in college?" (Ooh, I don't know about 'senior prom in college'. I don't think they do that - at least I've never heard of it. Maybe senior prom in high school?)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hey Sis,
Good to see you, as always, and remember Neural Splyce? He's baaackk! Just got a review from him. You remember him, right?
Well, I got all the changes except where the girls ask for another round of drinks...in the ms that's done in italics and it looks like dialogue. Changed it to just 'Senior prom' without designating hs or college.
Great review, my friend. Thanks for the help.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from joelh605
Nathan pulled himself together, heart beating raggedly in his chest. He felt a tingle along his upper arms, drew a deep breath and waited to see what came next.
You go, Gayle - that's a huge line! And of course, leads us right past the final sentence and roaring into the next chapter. Brava!!
Joel
=-=-=
A little Beemer sat in the right lane, filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's.
The comma after gorgeous may reflect my mood - I really want to pause at that point ;-) but Mr. Grammar says get it outta there. No need to separate an adjective from its subject.
As always, Ella and Terry studied every morsel served. Small hand-written menus rolled up like scrolls and meant to be a keepsake for the ladies, described the meal to com
Comma after "menus" because from there up to the next comma is an appositive, i.e. a phrase that modifies / amplifies what came before it, and they only live inside punctutation quarantine.
He used every technique Donnie and Dr. Pritchard taught him to maintain control and dominate the alters, most specifically, Norman.
The comma before "Norman" gets in the way.
With a grimace, she shook her head. "Couscous, little gravel-like nuggets.
Whaaaa - couscous is a rice dish. Why make it sound like grape-nuts?
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Nathan pulled himself together, heart beating raggedly in his chest. He felt a tingle along his upper arms, drew a deep breath and waited to see what came next.
You go, Gayle - that's a huge line! And of course, leads us right past the final sentence and roaring into the next chapter. Brava!!
Joel
=-=-=
A little Beemer sat in the right lane, filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's.
The comma after gorgeous may reflect my mood - I really want to pause at that point ;-) but Mr. Grammar says get it outta there. No need to separate an adjective from its subject.
As always, Ella and Terry studied every morsel served. Small hand-written menus rolled up like scrolls and meant to be a keepsake for the ladies, described the meal to com
Comma after "menus" because from there up to the next comma is an appositive, i.e. a phrase that modifies / amplifies what came before it, and they only live inside punctutation quarantine.
He used every technique Donnie and Dr. Pritchard taught him to maintain control and dominate the alters, most specifically, Norman.
The comma before "Norman" gets in the way.
With a grimace, she shook her head. "Couscous, little gravel-like nuggets.
Whaaaa - couscous is a rice dish. Why make it sound like grape-nuts?
Comment Written 23-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hey Joel,
I think the only time I've ever had couscous, they reminded me of grits!
I'll fix the commas, nasty little buggers! Thanks so much for the great review and comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sasha
I apologize for taking so long to review this. I have been literally running in circles all day but not that life is back to normal I can finally sit down and read this with a clear head. This is a great chapter. You built the tension of Nathan/Norman running into Rudy and Cathy very well. I especially like the ride down the elevator and Nathan's merging with Norman. But I must also mention you do a marvelous job describing the food. You really made my mouth water and all I have in the frige is tuna fish and tortillas. I look forward to the next chapter now that Norman is in control.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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I apologize for taking so long to review this. I have been literally running in circles all day but not that life is back to normal I can finally sit down and read this with a clear head. This is a great chapter. You built the tension of Nathan/Norman running into Rudy and Cathy very well. I especially like the ride down the elevator and Nathan's merging with Norman. But I must also mention you do a marvelous job describing the food. You really made my mouth water and all I have in the frige is tuna fish and tortillas. I look forward to the next chapter now that Norman is in control.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hi Sasha,
I should be a food critic, so I've been told. Glad you liked this one. I'm hoping to make the ending really scary. I'm working hard on it. Won't be long now!
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from NeuralSplyce
Hi showtime,
Sorry I didn't get here until the end. Looks perfect as ever. A couple suggestions from an amateur:
Two young men sat in a black Porsche, the engine idling, alternately grinning at the Jag and offering a subtle challenge as they waited for the light to change.
A little Beemer sat in the right lane, filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's. Long hair flowing and toothy smiles wide,(; or so says Word) they raised their thumbs at the car and waited. The driver hollered, "Great wheels!" while the other girls elbowed her, laughing.
The light changed and both cars charged down the street to the next traffic light.
(If you broke these paragraphs into smaller sentences, you could build up tension and increase the pace of the action. Display the impatience of youth and speed of fast cars.)
Lenny snorted under his breath and Jim waved goodbye as the girls sped off, attention now focused on the guys in the Porsche.
(This could be interpreted two ways. Who is focused on guys in the Porsche, Lenny & Jim or the girls?)
You have a lot of scene changes in this chapter. Isn't there like a law of no more than 3?
Just wondering if you need to spend so much time on the dinner menu. Is it germaine to the plot? It's 80% of that scene.
( * * * ) <- scene change here?
The battle raged on as Nathan tried to moderate his impulses.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hi showtime,
Sorry I didn't get here until the end. Looks perfect as ever. A couple suggestions from an amateur:
Two young men sat in a black Porsche, the engine idling, alternately grinning at the Jag and offering a subtle challenge as they waited for the light to change.
A little Beemer sat in the right lane, filled with gorgeous, twenty-something's. Long hair flowing and toothy smiles wide,(; or so says Word) they raised their thumbs at the car and waited. The driver hollered, "Great wheels!" while the other girls elbowed her, laughing.
The light changed and both cars charged down the street to the next traffic light.
(If you broke these paragraphs into smaller sentences, you could build up tension and increase the pace of the action. Display the impatience of youth and speed of fast cars.)
Lenny snorted under his breath and Jim waved goodbye as the girls sped off, attention now focused on the guys in the Porsche.
(This could be interpreted two ways. Who is focused on guys in the Porsche, Lenny & Jim or the girls?)
You have a lot of scene changes in this chapter. Isn't there like a law of no more than 3?
Just wondering if you need to spend so much time on the dinner menu. Is it germaine to the plot? It's 80% of that scene.
( * * * ) <- scene change here?
The battle raged on as Nathan tried to moderate his impulses.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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CRASH! Show hits the floor! Good grief, Mike, right? It's been ages. Seriously! I figured the gypsies got you. So good to see you back again.
Great ideas, will implement. Now, Terry and Ella own a restaurant up in Hollywood, and they're always comparing food and presentation.
Well, again, it's soo good to see you again. Don't be a stranger, okay?
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hi Gayle,
I'm hoping to make time for a few hours every week on FanStory. I need to brush up on my atrophied writing skills.
Comment from Readywriter52
Nathan is on a photo job. He spots Cathy and wonders if he should approach her. There is a conflict between Nathan and Norman. Nathan loses. Now Norman vows never to go back in again. I see danger for Cathy and Rudy.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Nathan is on a photo job. He spots Cathy and wonders if he should approach her. There is a conflict between Nathan and Norman. Nathan loses. Now Norman vows never to go back in again. I see danger for Cathy and Rudy.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hi Ready,
Yeah, I'm hoping I can make this really scary. Cross your fingers!
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
So Norman came back. We'll see what comes of this. And yes, the food reads delicious. I like the way some people treat this event professionally, Nathan with his camera, and Ella and Terry taking notes on the food.
I have just one suggestion:
"We [We'd] better drop a gear here. I'll get dressed first,..." "We'd" is a contraction of "We had," and is often used in conversation.
Dave
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Gayle,
So Norman came back. We'll see what comes of this. And yes, the food reads delicious. I like the way some people treat this event professionally, Nathan with his camera, and Ella and Terry taking notes on the food.
I have just one suggestion:
"We [We'd] better drop a gear here. I'll get dressed first,..." "We'd" is a contraction of "We had," and is often used in conversation.
Dave
Comment Written 22-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2010
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Hey Dave,
Great eye. Actually, I'd thought to make it 'we'd' but I had several contractions nearby, so I passed. I will get in there and make fix!
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
