Blind Trust
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Lainie"A woman is stalked by a fan
17 total reviews
Comment from rwilliam
"The quivering voice began to climb and then settled." Love the way you described this!
"I need to hire some kind of live-in security or bodyguard to watch out for Cathy now that I'm staying at Hank's so much. I feel guilty about leaving her alone so much, but it's either that or I forget a personal life of my own. Makes me feel so bad."
This is a PERSONAL observation and opinion okay, but when reading this two words jumped out at me. The word"so " and the phrase "so much".
For example, you have" I'm staying at Hanks so much." and then, "I feel guilty about leaving her alone so much".
The flow would work better to have "so much" in one of the two places and change it up in the other. Then the repetitiveness isn't there. Just a thought.
Here is just an idea of what I am thinking,please feel free to ignore it!:-)
"I need to hire some kind of live-in security or bodyguard to watch out for Cathy now that I am staying at Hank's so much. I feel guilty about leaving her alone, but it's either that or I forget a personal life of my own. Makes me feel terrible."
What do YOU think?
"Lainie pushed her plate away, lips quivering, eyes glazed with tears." I love the "eyes glazed with tears". Excellent!
A personal note, not having read ALL that you have written in this book. One thing I am learning in school is to be very careful about repeating things.
For example once you have laid the ground work for what Ella looks like it doesn't need to be repeated. Your reader will have that in place as they read. They build the character in their mind as you give it. Don't insult them with telling them her looks again. These are things I am learning so just thought I'd pass them a long. :-)
Doing great! Look forward to reading more!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
  |
"The quivering voice began to climb and then settled." Love the way you described this!
"I need to hire some kind of live-in security or bodyguard to watch out for Cathy now that I'm staying at Hank's so much. I feel guilty about leaving her alone so much, but it's either that or I forget a personal life of my own. Makes me feel so bad."
This is a PERSONAL observation and opinion okay, but when reading this two words jumped out at me. The word"so " and the phrase "so much".
For example, you have" I'm staying at Hanks so much." and then, "I feel guilty about leaving her alone so much".
The flow would work better to have "so much" in one of the two places and change it up in the other. Then the repetitiveness isn't there. Just a thought.
Here is just an idea of what I am thinking,please feel free to ignore it!:-)
"I need to hire some kind of live-in security or bodyguard to watch out for Cathy now that I am staying at Hank's so much. I feel guilty about leaving her alone, but it's either that or I forget a personal life of my own. Makes me feel terrible."
What do YOU think?
"Lainie pushed her plate away, lips quivering, eyes glazed with tears." I love the "eyes glazed with tears". Excellent!
A personal note, not having read ALL that you have written in this book. One thing I am learning in school is to be very careful about repeating things.
For example once you have laid the ground work for what Ella looks like it doesn't need to be repeated. Your reader will have that in place as they read. They build the character in their mind as you give it. Don't insult them with telling them her looks again. These are things I am learning so just thought I'd pass them a long. :-)
Doing great! Look forward to reading more!
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hi William,
I agree 100% with that 'so much' thingy. I like how you did it much better and will adjust. Also agree with the repeating. It's one of those things I need to watch! Thanks for catching that!
Thanks again for the great reviews and for reading along!
Gayle
Comment from Sasha
Having not read about the characters in previous posts I personally feel it is necessary to repeat some scenes. However, if your intent is to eventually publish as a single book, you may choose to use the Author's Notes to bring the new reader up to date with clarifying relationships and places previously described. This is an interesting and well written chapter and definitely makes me want to read more.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
Having not read about the characters in previous posts I personally feel it is necessary to repeat some scenes. However, if your intent is to eventually publish as a single book, you may choose to use the Author's Notes to bring the new reader up to date with clarifying relationships and places previously described. This is an interesting and well written chapter and definitely makes me want to read more.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hi Sasha,
Thanks for the great review and your input. This is the fifth book in the series, and the reader might know Ella, Terry, Lenny and Jim ... and the dogs, of course, but the stories all contain new characters as well. I don't mind throwing in descriptions from time to time, although I have a habit of making them shrug or nod or smile, oh, or my fave, chuckle too much.
Thanks for the read and the great comments. Hope to see you again soon,
Gayle
Comment from adewpearl
Your characters raise all the questions I had - what is the point of stealing a seeing eye dog? You build suspense well by rejecting the first reasons one comes up with and also with mention of those hang up phone calls that led up to the dognapping. Excellent dialogue that really sounds like a conversation in which they ponder the mystery and also talk about the best friend/caretaker's guilt over wanting a life of her own. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
Your characters raise all the questions I had - what is the point of stealing a seeing eye dog? You build suspense well by rejecting the first reasons one comes up with and also with mention of those hang up phone calls that led up to the dognapping. Excellent dialogue that really sounds like a conversation in which they ponder the mystery and also talk about the best friend/caretaker's guilt over wanting a life of her own. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hi Brooke,
Thank you for the super review. I especially appreciate your thoroughness and the comments are very encouraging.
Grins,
Gayle
Comment from FredCollingwood
I didn't notice any repetition.
I didn't notice any repetition.
What I noticed is that your writing is great. I particularly like the dialog. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
I didn't notice any repetition.
I didn't notice any repetition.
What I noticed is that your writing is great. I particularly like the dialog. Well done.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hey Fred! Happy New Year and contragulations on winning the #1 FS Novelist for the year. Great job!
Thanks for stopping by and giving me a read. I appreciate the comments and fine rating.
Gayle
-
Thank you for the congrats. I appreciate it.
Comment from c_lucas
You are doing an excellent job of building your chapters. You are going to have to describe the surroundings. There is no way you can get out of repeition. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
You are doing an excellent job of building your chapters. You are going to have to describe the surroundings. There is no way you can get out of repeition. This is very well written.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hey Charlie,
I figured as much. Actually, the next chapter does a lot of that. I love these characters, so it feels good to describe them again!
Thanks for the great review!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment from Korton
Another excellent chapter here, Gayle. The story is progressing nicely, each chapter giving a little bit more information that adds complexity. As far as your question in the author's noted; I am a big fan of Clive Cussler, Vince and David Baldacci. Although all of their books are stand alone, they still find it necessary to reitnroduce the characters in each book. Sometimes, they will add an additional nuance or personality trait. I think it is absolutely necessary to do this in order to keep readers unfamiliar with previous works interested. Very well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
|
Another excellent chapter here, Gayle. The story is progressing nicely, each chapter giving a little bit more information that adds complexity. As far as your question in the author's noted; I am a big fan of Clive Cussler, Vince and David Baldacci. Although all of their books are stand alone, they still find it necessary to reitnroduce the characters in each book. Sometimes, they will add an additional nuance or personality trait. I think it is absolutely necessary to do this in order to keep readers unfamiliar with previous works interested. Very well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hey Frank,
Thanks for the great review and your comments. I wanted to do it, and as you'll see in the next chapter, I couldn't resist. Glad we agree on that one. I love my girls and want all the characters to be clear to new and old reader alike!
Thanks a bunch!
Gayle
Comment from ZigzagMLT
Very well done. Though, without having read the other chapters, I would say that if this is a stand-alone book in a series that it is always best to add a bit more detail so as not to alienate new readers. The more familiar ones will take it in and move on. Or, perhaps, it will add insight or remind them of something that they had momentarily forgotten.
There were some words that will need another look in there. Every day should be separated. And a couple of the sentences had lots of commas. They might do better with periods.
All in all, it's a great story. Intrigue, conflict, some interesting characters.
Thanks for sharing.
Zigzagmlt
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
 |
Very well done. Though, without having read the other chapters, I would say that if this is a stand-alone book in a series that it is always best to add a bit more detail so as not to alienate new readers. The more familiar ones will take it in and move on. Or, perhaps, it will add insight or remind them of something that they had momentarily forgotten.
There were some words that will need another look in there. Every day should be separated. And a couple of the sentences had lots of commas. They might do better with periods.
All in all, it's a great story. Intrigue, conflict, some interesting characters.
Thanks for sharing.
Zigzagmlt
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
-
Hi Zig,
Thanks for stopping by and for the comments. I'm glad you agree, as you'll see in the next chapter. I appreciate your input. I hate commas, so I'll have to go in there and slice and dice! Thanks,
Gayle
