Blind Trust
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Cathy"A woman is stalked by a fan
26 total reviews
Comment from lola29
You are a very talented and prolic writer. This was a very enjoyable read, and I had a sense of overwhelming pity for Cathy. You write with such elegant passion.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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You are a very talented and prolic writer. This was a very enjoyable read, and I had a sense of overwhelming pity for Cathy. You write with such elegant passion.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Well, hello, Lola, so nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for stopping by and giving my story a read. I appreciate your comments ... they're uplifting. Thank you.
Gayle
Comment from William Walz
Hey, stranger. You've got a great opening to a new novel, one that grabs the reader's interest from the get-go. The two characters are well-drawn, and Cathy's heartache about her missing companion is instantly a cause for concern with which we totally sympathize. The dialog is quite believable and convincing. If I may let me suggest a few things for you to consider...
On a general note, I think I would like to know just a little bit more about the relationship between Cathy and Lainie. Nothing you have to reveal in great detail, but I am a little confused about the extent of their connection. I may be way off base, but I get the feeling of some kind of romantic entanglement between the two. No? I know all of that will come later, but a few more hints might make this a little clearer. In re-reading I also have another impression that they might be sisters..(Remember the one on our block when we were kids?) Okay, a third time and I finally realize they have different last names. Childhood friends, right?
More specifically, and just a few things for you to think about...
the pointed, mobile ears...the "mobile" didn't sound quite right to me...how about...the pointed, curious ears...
so scared I don't know what to do...so scared I won't know what to do...
It's just that I can't believe in this dog the way I do Suzi." I think I might say...the way I did Suzi...changing the "do" to "did" puts Suzi in the past and makes Cathy's
concern a little more troubling...
Her voice ended in a groan. "Oh, God!"...I think I would delete all off this...just my opinion...
The doctors told her there would be several months of rehabilitation...how about...The doctors told her she would need several months of rehabilitation...
she could resume anything like a normal life,...anything resembling a normal life,...
techniques promised rapid recovery...rapid recovery from blindness?...how about...a slow but steady recovery...
along with Cathy, low, grumbling sighs mixed with high chirps...along with Cathy in low, grumbling sighs...don't know about the "high chirps"...
fear so deep and profound it immobilized her,...I might change "immobilized" to "paralyzed"..just me...
pounding her fists on the table, stamping her feet, at one point tearing her hair...I would definitely get rid of the "stamping her feet"...seems a bit too childlike...
It was the blackest time in her life;...just an idea...These were, quite literally, the blackest days in her life...
It took Cathy almost a year to come out the other end of that dark tunnel...Almost a year had passed before Cathy was able to come out the other end of that dark tunnel...
Mornings, except for the most inclement weather...this sentence is a little awkward...how about...Mornings, except for when it rained, ...or something similar...
When they passed her favorite restaurant, Touch of Italy, hints of tomato sauce, thyme and garlic danced on the wind before giving way to the sea breeze...wonderful sentence, very evocative...
Although the accident had robbed Cathy of her sight...another great descriptive passage...
protection from outside intruders...just...protection from intruders...
Very enjoyable, Gayle, and you do realize that anything I suggest are just suggestions only, and to be taken with that proverbial grain of salt. Now, on to chapter two.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hey, stranger. You've got a great opening to a new novel, one that grabs the reader's interest from the get-go. The two characters are well-drawn, and Cathy's heartache about her missing companion is instantly a cause for concern with which we totally sympathize. The dialog is quite believable and convincing. If I may let me suggest a few things for you to consider...
On a general note, I think I would like to know just a little bit more about the relationship between Cathy and Lainie. Nothing you have to reveal in great detail, but I am a little confused about the extent of their connection. I may be way off base, but I get the feeling of some kind of romantic entanglement between the two. No? I know all of that will come later, but a few more hints might make this a little clearer. In re-reading I also have another impression that they might be sisters..(Remember the one on our block when we were kids?) Okay, a third time and I finally realize they have different last names. Childhood friends, right?
More specifically, and just a few things for you to think about...
the pointed, mobile ears...the "mobile" didn't sound quite right to me...how about...the pointed, curious ears...
so scared I don't know what to do...so scared I won't know what to do...
It's just that I can't believe in this dog the way I do Suzi." I think I might say...the way I did Suzi...changing the "do" to "did" puts Suzi in the past and makes Cathy's
concern a little more troubling...
Her voice ended in a groan. "Oh, God!"...I think I would delete all off this...just my opinion...
The doctors told her there would be several months of rehabilitation...how about...The doctors told her she would need several months of rehabilitation...
she could resume anything like a normal life,...anything resembling a normal life,...
techniques promised rapid recovery...rapid recovery from blindness?...how about...a slow but steady recovery...
along with Cathy, low, grumbling sighs mixed with high chirps...along with Cathy in low, grumbling sighs...don't know about the "high chirps"...
fear so deep and profound it immobilized her,...I might change "immobilized" to "paralyzed"..just me...
pounding her fists on the table, stamping her feet, at one point tearing her hair...I would definitely get rid of the "stamping her feet"...seems a bit too childlike...
It was the blackest time in her life;...just an idea...These were, quite literally, the blackest days in her life...
It took Cathy almost a year to come out the other end of that dark tunnel...Almost a year had passed before Cathy was able to come out the other end of that dark tunnel...
Mornings, except for the most inclement weather...this sentence is a little awkward...how about...Mornings, except for when it rained, ...or something similar...
When they passed her favorite restaurant, Touch of Italy, hints of tomato sauce, thyme and garlic danced on the wind before giving way to the sea breeze...wonderful sentence, very evocative...
Although the accident had robbed Cathy of her sight...another great descriptive passage...
protection from outside intruders...just...protection from intruders...
Very enjoyable, Gayle, and you do realize that anything I suggest are just suggestions only, and to be taken with that proverbial grain of salt. Now, on to chapter two.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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CRASH! That's me, falling over in a faint! BILL! Happy New Year, buddy. Long time no see.
Well, I'm gonna have to give you a thumb for this review. THIS is the kind of review we all crave! You raise several good points, which will be addressed for sure, and great ideas as well!
Oh, Bill, it's so good to be back. And say, remember the old A Team? Well, check out the site and see what's happening now! LOL! I'm a busy little bee.
Thanks again, here's a thumb,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Readywriter52
Cathy has lost her sight because of an accident. After months of rehabilitation and Suzi she finally has enough confidence to live again, but that was taken from her when Suzi was kidnapped.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Cathy has lost her sight because of an accident. After months of rehabilitation and Suzi she finally has enough confidence to live again, but that was taken from her when Suzi was kidnapped.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hi Readywriter,
Thanks so much for stopping by and giving my story a read. I'm thrilled that you like it and hope to see you again soon.
Best,
Gayle
Comment from ZeBestBlonde1
showtimebook,
hello to you. Well, I think you've created an EXCELLENT title for your story-perfectly matches.
Your leading lady is strong and insightful-she may need to get stronger and braver-so you can writer her getting out more, conquering her fears, the world and adding twists and turns to you plot. Still...I liked this story and it kept my interest.
I'm a little new here so I'm not sure what you meant in your author notes about Evil Eddie?
I enjoyed reading this first chapter of your novel!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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showtimebook,
hello to you. Well, I think you've created an EXCELLENT title for your story-perfectly matches.
Your leading lady is strong and insightful-she may need to get stronger and braver-so you can writer her getting out more, conquering her fears, the world and adding twists and turns to you plot. Still...I liked this story and it kept my interest.
I'm a little new here so I'm not sure what you meant in your author notes about Evil Eddie?
I enjoyed reading this first chapter of your novel!
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Aha! Another blonde! Greetings, my name is Gayle, so nice to meet you.
Thank you for the great review and the encouraging words. Music to my ears!
Okay, EE, aka Evil Eddie is the advanced FS editor. He hates my computer and most everyone elses, and will infest your work with errant ???'s, the odd capITALs in the middle of words, really strange stuff. Ergo, I do not play with Evil Eddie!
Hope to see you again, m'dear,
Gayle
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Gayle...lol you are funny. Like how you write and I look forward to reading more-and do NOT let the 'blonde' bit fool ya! I am a SMART blonde-pretty quick-witted which either comes in handy, or NOT-lol
You have GREAT reads-keep it up BLONDE
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Ha! I make blonde jokes about myself all the time ... lulls them into a false sense of security! ;)
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lol that's soo funny-oh trust me...I just give them a look that says, Don't even go there, but I have a really funny blonde joke I'll send ya-it's cute
Comment from bookishfabler
I have to say I was a bit confused on who exactly Suzi wasuntil way in the middle of the chapter-
Scared the crap outa me every (I'm not totally sure, but is it outta?)
Evil Eddie- move up a line)
One thing- the second alf of the chapter seems to be filling in background. What if you kept the info and little by little let the reader in through out the book, through dialogue or thoughts?
I'm gladd to see you again. I hope to be more active also. I hope.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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I have to say I was a bit confused on who exactly Suzi wasuntil way in the middle of the chapter-
Scared the crap outa me every (I'm not totally sure, but is it outta?)
Evil Eddie- move up a line)
One thing- the second alf of the chapter seems to be filling in background. What if you kept the info and little by little let the reader in through out the book, through dialogue or thoughts?
I'm gladd to see you again. I hope to be more active also. I hope.
hugs
book
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Well, from one 'book' to another (I love to say that!!) Happy New Year!
Okay, I wasn't clear on Suzi, huh? I presented this a little differently, kind of rolling from present to past and back to the present again. Hmmm, I'm not pulling this off? I'll go back and see if I can tweak it better.
Now ... outa, outta. Heidi, I'm not sure, tell ya the truth. I'll have to give Sissy a buzz. She knows all that kind of stuff, lol!
Good to be back and I can't wait to see what you've got going.
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from fictionwriter
A wonderful beginning to this book. You pulled me right in and made me feel for Cathy, and wonder what in the world happend to Suzi. Can't wait to read more. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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A wonderful beginning to this book. You pulled me right in and made me feel for Cathy, and wonder what in the world happend to Suzi. Can't wait to read more. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2010
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Hi Fictionwriter, I'm Gayle. Nice ta meet'cha, as one of my characters would say!
Thanks for the review and the great comments. I really appreciate your input. Thank you,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
It is great having you back, Gayle. I love the high quality of your writing and the way you develop your stories, pulling the reader in. Very well written.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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It is great having you back, Gayle. I love the high quality of your writing and the way you develop your stories, pulling the reader in. Very well written.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Hey Charlie, it's sure good to be back! I took the year off, had so much to do. Glad you're still here as well.
I can imagine why this one will appeal to you and look forward to hearing anything you might have to say regarding authenticity and presentation. Wishing you the best New Year,
Hugs,
Gayle
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The bonding of a visual imparied with a seeing eye dog is something to behold. Looking for to our talk. I should be home by 9:30 AZ time.
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
It is good to see you back, and even better to catch a novel of yours at the beginning. And of course, your human characters are real dog people. This novel has promise.
I have several suggestions:
"The doctors told her there would be several months of rehabilitation required before she could resume anything like a normal life,..." I don't generally like sentences with "there is/are/would be." I'd write, "The doctors told her that several months of rehabilitation would be required before she could resume anything like a normal life,..."
"Errands run, they would return to the condo,..." The paragraph this sentence starts is not properly spaced from the one before.
"The sprawling condo, located behind locked security gates, afforded Cathy the (a hard line break here should come out)
exact amount of freedom she could handle and no more."
Dave
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Gayle,
It is good to see you back, and even better to catch a novel of yours at the beginning. And of course, your human characters are real dog people. This novel has promise.
I have several suggestions:
"The doctors told her there would be several months of rehabilitation required before she could resume anything like a normal life,..." I don't generally like sentences with "there is/are/would be." I'd write, "The doctors told her that several months of rehabilitation would be required before she could resume anything like a normal life,..."
"Errands run, they would return to the condo,..." The paragraph this sentence starts is not properly spaced from the one before.
"The sprawling condo, located behind locked security gates, afforded Cathy the (a hard line break here should come out)
exact amount of freedom she could handle and no more."
Dave
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Hey Dave, for Pete's sake, dude, how's it going? So nice to see so many old faces emerge from the past. :) I took a good bit of time off last year and kinda lost touch. I'm sayin', a kiss on both cheeks and be a good boy and share with your Summergirl!
Whee! I'm so glad to be back. Okay, I really like your ideas about "the doctors.." You know I hate that passive stuff, glad you caught that.
As for EE, I will go in and straighten him out, slidey dude.
Wow, I'm off to your port to see what you've been up to lately!
Hugs and Happy New Year,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Hooray! It's so great to see you writing your YA stories with the mystery and added problems of being blind. You handle all this so beautifully. I'm already hooked and rarin' for more, girlfriend.
(I think this needs to be adjusted to make it clear the parking spot is for Lainie and not Cathy. Capish?)
Here, they were at least guaranteed (a garage parking space,) a safe secure home and for Lainie, [a garage parking space, and a short commute to work.]
(There are some spacing problems too. Don't know if it's Evil Eddy or what.)
Touch of Italy, hints of tomato sauce, thyme and garlic danced on the wind before giving way to the sea breeze.(Right here==>)
Errands run, they would return to the condo,
afforded Cathy the (and here==>)
exact amount of freedom she could handle and no more.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Hooray! It's so great to see you writing your YA stories with the mystery and added problems of being blind. You handle all this so beautifully. I'm already hooked and rarin' for more, girlfriend.
(I think this needs to be adjusted to make it clear the parking spot is for Lainie and not Cathy. Capish?)
Here, they were at least guaranteed (a garage parking space,) a safe secure home and for Lainie, [a garage parking space, and a short commute to work.]
(There are some spacing problems too. Don't know if it's Evil Eddy or what.)
Touch of Italy, hints of tomato sauce, thyme and garlic danced on the wind before giving way to the sea breeze.(Right here==>)
Errands run, they would return to the condo,
afforded Cathy the (and here==>)
exact amount of freedom she could handle and no more.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Hey Renie! Happy New Year!
Great catches, and yes, I'll clarify on the parking spot! LOL, you remind me of my dear Doris! Was my participle dangling? ROFLMAO!
Oh, it's so good to be back! I'm glad you liked this one. I'll check out the formatting genius and see if the little bugger did a number on me. Earlier we had "fac?de" and several other glitches so who knows what he's up to!
I'll have to sic Reginald on him!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sasha
This is very interesting. Your descriptions are excellent and provide strong visual imagery for the reader. You mention the accident that caused her to go blind, but don't tell the reader anything about what happened leaving them to wonder. Are you going to do this in a later chapter? Also, I like how you refer to her and Suzi as 'the girls' but you might consider a brief description of introduction of this expression prior to its first use. Very nice work and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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This is very interesting. Your descriptions are excellent and provide strong visual imagery for the reader. You mention the accident that caused her to go blind, but don't tell the reader anything about what happened leaving them to wonder. Are you going to do this in a later chapter? Also, I like how you refer to her and Suzi as 'the girls' but you might consider a brief description of introduction of this expression prior to its first use. Very nice work and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2010
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Hey Sasha! Happy New Year.
Oh, these are the kinds of reviews I treasure. I love the questions raised and will definitely consider how I will make 'the girls' Suzi and Cathy for this one. I have a tendancy to do that with my characters, especially long-time ones! You'll hear me refer to Ella and Terry, Ella and Amy, and on occasion, Amy and Cricket as the girls. Hmmm, sounds like I need a score card!
Oh, so good to be back again and to see you're still here, too!
Hugs,
Gayle
