Flash Fiction Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Blood and Other Ties"a selection of my best flash fiction
30 total reviews
Comment from Belinda
What a story, what an ending. So you leave it up to us, readers, to decide whether Michael is a true Carter or not? Then I will choose that he is. Although the most important thing is, realtionship between him, Mary, and the other siblings is the most important of all. Life goes on, after all. Intersting!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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What a story, what an ending. So you leave it up to us, readers, to decide whether Michael is a true Carter or not? Then I will choose that he is. Although the most important thing is, realtionship between him, Mary, and the other siblings is the most important of all. Life goes on, after all. Intersting!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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thank you, Belinda, you got the point--whether he's a true Carter or not isn't important
Comment from Lani2
This story grabbed my attention right from the beginning and held my interest until the end. It was kind of like an Alfred Hitchcock story...it left me wondering and drawing my own conclusion. I see nothing to change. It is good writing. Lani2
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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This story grabbed my attention right from the beginning and held my interest until the end. It was kind of like an Alfred Hitchcock story...it left me wondering and drawing my own conclusion. I see nothing to change. It is good writing. Lani2
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you so very much, Lani. I'm honored by your wonderful review.
Comment from Jnetgame
This is a truely exceptional flash fiction entry. I was involved in the characters from beginning to end. Nothing to change. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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This is a truely exceptional flash fiction entry. I was involved in the characters from beginning to end. Nothing to change. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you so much, Jnet. I appreciate your generous rating and words of encouragment.
Comment from Amicus
This is an excellent flash fiction piece, redrider6612. I read from beginning to ending thoroughly engaged and without distraction. The prose flows smoothly, the dialogue advances the plot and is credible, and the ending is satisfying although the resolution of the mystery of Michael's eye color is left to the reader's imagination.
Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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This is an excellent flash fiction piece, redrider6612. I read from beginning to ending thoroughly engaged and without distraction. The prose flows smoothly, the dialogue advances the plot and is credible, and the ending is satisfying although the resolution of the mystery of Michael's eye color is left to the reader's imagination.
Good job.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you very much, Amicus, so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from LauraKatherine
I enjoyed this story, Red. What a sad state of affairs: Dad distrusts Mom's fidelity, Dad treats son like a bastard without even knowing the truth, and Michael suffers the consequences. I love Mary's impassioned plea: "It won't change anything that happened . . . she never cheated on Dad . . . come home. I could feel her horror that Michael got a DNA test done, Michael's reluctance to know, and their mutual pain.
Couple of suggestions to strengthen the already strong story:
Mary wanted him to stop. (Telling and I thought it slowed down the pace. Obviously there's not any wiggle room in a flash fiction story, so maybe just cut the sentence. It's pretty clear from her words that she wants him to stop his story.)
Mary's tears spilled and she swallowed . . . Starting at this sentence, I noticed several sentences that had a similar structure, i.e., a short sentence, and, another sentence. Maybe try to vary this a bit. I liked the last sentence of the paragraph because of the "tears soaked her hair" detail, but thought it could be stronger. Not quite sure how, though.
In the same paragraph, I thought that some of the adjectives were unnecessary. The green eyes part worked well, as it underscored Michael's words about recessive genes and his doubtful parentage. Maybe cut "lower" and "shattered"?
Some really wonderful lines.
His face was a stranger's mask, devoid of warmth and laughter. wonderful description)
The finger resumed its journey down the length of the flap. (I like this. Adds suspense and tension: what will he find? Will he actually read it?)
The words were blurred, by rain or tears, he didn't know, but it didn't matter. (Excellent! I like to think that their tears blurred the words; the tears represent their love, which renders the DNA results null. What does it matter if Michael had a different dad? The past is in the past; their father can't treat him harshly anymore. The people who love him don't care about the results; they care about him.)
bastard--"
(quotation mark got mixed on which direction to face! Evil Eddie at work, no doubt.)
I'm going with 4 stars because of the parts I mentioned above, but let me say that this is a really good story. It's enjoyable and touching. The characters are sympathetic, and I felt their pain. You've done well to convey so much through so few words. Good luck in the contest. Laura
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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I enjoyed this story, Red. What a sad state of affairs: Dad distrusts Mom's fidelity, Dad treats son like a bastard without even knowing the truth, and Michael suffers the consequences. I love Mary's impassioned plea: "It won't change anything that happened . . . she never cheated on Dad . . . come home. I could feel her horror that Michael got a DNA test done, Michael's reluctance to know, and their mutual pain.
Couple of suggestions to strengthen the already strong story:
Mary wanted him to stop. (Telling and I thought it slowed down the pace. Obviously there's not any wiggle room in a flash fiction story, so maybe just cut the sentence. It's pretty clear from her words that she wants him to stop his story.)
Mary's tears spilled and she swallowed . . . Starting at this sentence, I noticed several sentences that had a similar structure, i.e., a short sentence, and, another sentence. Maybe try to vary this a bit. I liked the last sentence of the paragraph because of the "tears soaked her hair" detail, but thought it could be stronger. Not quite sure how, though.
In the same paragraph, I thought that some of the adjectives were unnecessary. The green eyes part worked well, as it underscored Michael's words about recessive genes and his doubtful parentage. Maybe cut "lower" and "shattered"?
Some really wonderful lines.
His face was a stranger's mask, devoid of warmth and laughter. wonderful description)
The finger resumed its journey down the length of the flap. (I like this. Adds suspense and tension: what will he find? Will he actually read it?)
The words were blurred, by rain or tears, he didn't know, but it didn't matter. (Excellent! I like to think that their tears blurred the words; the tears represent their love, which renders the DNA results null. What does it matter if Michael had a different dad? The past is in the past; their father can't treat him harshly anymore. The people who love him don't care about the results; they care about him.)
bastard--"
(quotation mark got mixed on which direction to face! Evil Eddie at work, no doubt.)
I'm going with 4 stars because of the parts I mentioned above, but let me say that this is a really good story. It's enjoyable and touching. The characters are sympathetic, and I felt their pain. You've done well to convey so much through so few words. Good luck in the contest. Laura
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you so much, Laura! Wow, I'm so grateful to you for this detailed review. You're the best!
Comment from Begin Again
Redrider
What an emotional and powerful story. I enjoyed reading every word of it and was pulled right into the story as if I was standing nect to both of them, hoping for the best.
Marvelous...simply marvelous.
Carol
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Redrider
What an emotional and powerful story. I enjoyed reading every word of it and was pulled right into the story as if I was standing nect to both of them, hoping for the best.
Marvelous...simply marvelous.
Carol
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you so much, Carol. Your review made my day!
Comment from perunest
You left the reader dying to know
the answer - well done! In this
short piece you've conveyed the
dynamics of a family, the character
of its members, and given a hopeful
outcome. I enjoyed this very much -
good luck in the contest! Carolyn
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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You left the reader dying to know
the answer - well done! In this
short piece you've conveyed the
dynamics of a family, the character
of its members, and given a hopeful
outcome. I enjoyed this very much -
good luck in the contest! Carolyn
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Carolyn. So glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Sally Carter
I don't know much about flash finction, but I do know this was an utterly enthralling read, with not a wasted word. You used the dialogue to tell the reader so much about the characters, both living and dead, and the relationships between them. I wondered if Dad had been unkind to Michael because he had unwittingly been the cause of his mother's death. Or perhaps Dad felt bad because he believed himself responsible for the pregnancy? There are so many possibilities here, on so many levels. I'm glad he didn't see the result. As your story says, both parents are now deceased, time to move on. Great reading. Thank you. Sally
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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I don't know much about flash finction, but I do know this was an utterly enthralling read, with not a wasted word. You used the dialogue to tell the reader so much about the characters, both living and dead, and the relationships between them. I wondered if Dad had been unkind to Michael because he had unwittingly been the cause of his mother's death. Or perhaps Dad felt bad because he believed himself responsible for the pregnancy? There are so many possibilities here, on so many levels. I'm glad he didn't see the result. As your story says, both parents are now deceased, time to move on. Great reading. Thank you. Sally
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Thank you for an excellent, thoughtful review, Sally. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from percival86jack
Touching, tender and at the same time a riveting. I can only imagine what Michael was feeling... wanting to know but afraid to know. You had me right to the end redrider6612. Well written!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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Touching, tender and at the same time a riveting. I can only imagine what Michael was feeling... wanting to know but afraid to know. You had me right to the end redrider6612. Well written!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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thank you, percival, I appreciate the kind review
Comment from second thought
We have been robbed! How could you place so much emotionalism in one area and leave us to our own thoughts. I propose a proposel to change the rules so we can know what the DNA said. Well,since that won't happen you can let me know in your reply. Well done.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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We have been robbed! How could you place so much emotionalism in one area and leave us to our own thoughts. I propose a proposel to change the rules so we can know what the DNA said. Well,since that won't happen you can let me know in your reply. Well done.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2009
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That's what makes flash fiction so great--so much is inferred and left to the reader to imagine. The DNA results are immaterial. The point is, family is what matters. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
