Flash Fiction Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Blood and Other Ties"a selection of my best flash fiction
30 total reviews
Comment from Judian James
Hey there. I don't know how I missed this one, but when I read the announcement, I wanted to have a look at what you had submitted. Congratulations on your award. It feels good doesn't it? This is excellent and a good piece for your mini-book. "The finger resumed its journey down the length of the flap. "If I am a true Carter, it will prove what a bastard he was. If not, then I guess I'm the bastard"
excellent
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
  |
Hey there. I don't know how I missed this one, but when I read the announcement, I wanted to have a look at what you had submitted. Congratulations on your award. It feels good doesn't it? This is excellent and a good piece for your mini-book. "The finger resumed its journey down the length of the flap. "If I am a true Carter, it will prove what a bastard he was. If not, then I guess I'm the bastard"
excellent
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
-
Thank you so much, Jude. Yes, it feels great. It only took 4 tries :) I'm glad you enjoyed this one--is one of my personal faves.
-
Oooh, ouch. I heard it could be difficult. So another congrats for persevering!!
Comment from lerkun
aww ripped off.. gimme that paper here red, he left it there to be read, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
very well done but left me deeply unsatisfied. so there's the result their decision..
grrr ;-p
funny isn't it.. he's fictional
b well
lerk
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
|
aww ripped off.. gimme that paper here red, he left it there to be read, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
very well done but left me deeply unsatisfied. so there's the result their decision..
grrr ;-p
funny isn't it.. he's fictional
b well
lerk
Comment Written 22-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2009
-
Thank you, lerk, and sorry about the dissatisfaction. The point is, the results don't matter--he's one of the family regardless.
-
yes I know that so why should knowing the result then make a difference.. they could still leave together... ;-p
-
I'm guessing you're not trying to have a serious discussion
Comment from suneagle
An interesting story, red. I liked the concept for this flash fiction contest. However, in my opinion, the latter section was awkward. I've noted a number of specific observations and suggestions that you may like to consider.
Mary's steps faltered and she nearly dropped the flowers. (An adverb in the first sentence? Methinks we've been through this before. lol. Why not a strong verb instead? For example: Mary's steps faltered and she juggled the flowers.)
Michael had left the day after the funeral, one year ago, and nobody had seen or heard from him since. (I see you're using past perfect tense. However, I believe the first instance of "had" is unnecessary:
Michael left the day after the funeral, one year ago, and nobody had seen or heard from him since.)
Until now. (I suggest that's redundant and could be deleted, particularly if you name Michael in the next speech tag.)
"Hard to believe he's been gone a year," he murmured without turning his head. (Two things here. First, as mentioned above, I suggest using Michael's name instead of the pronoun. Second, I believe the words "his head" are assumed. Hence, you could write:
"Hard to believe he's been gone a year," Michael murmured without turning.)
"I don't," he said. "Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself." (The speech tag is unnecessary. There are only two people conversing:
"I don't. Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself.")
"Around." His lips barely moved. (Another adverb. Why not a verb like 'mumble' or 'mutter' that are typically said through tight lips? For example: "Around," he mumbled.)
He finally looked at her. (The adverb "finally" is unnecessary. If he hadn't looked at her until then, he was obviously 'finally' doing so. Simply write: He looked at her.)
He went on like she hadn't spoken. (That sentence points directly to the dialogue which follows. I suggest a colon instead of the period: He went on like she hadn't spoken: )
His monologue continued. (His monologue continued:)
Her hands caught his, wrinkling the paper before he could read a word. (I found the paragraphing a bit distracting here. I suggest moving this sentence up to paragraph with the previous sentence.)
The words were blurred, by rain or tears, he didn't know, but it didn't matter. They stood up together. Taking a deep breath, he nodded and her brilliant smile sealed his decision. (Ah, this is part of the problem near the end of the story, red. In these sentences you jump POV from Mary to Michael.)
***
I trust I've been helpful. PM if you have any questions or comments about this review.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2009
 |
An interesting story, red. I liked the concept for this flash fiction contest. However, in my opinion, the latter section was awkward. I've noted a number of specific observations and suggestions that you may like to consider.
Mary's steps faltered and she nearly dropped the flowers. (An adverb in the first sentence? Methinks we've been through this before. lol. Why not a strong verb instead? For example: Mary's steps faltered and she juggled the flowers.)
Michael had left the day after the funeral, one year ago, and nobody had seen or heard from him since. (I see you're using past perfect tense. However, I believe the first instance of "had" is unnecessary:
Michael left the day after the funeral, one year ago, and nobody had seen or heard from him since.)
Until now. (I suggest that's redundant and could be deleted, particularly if you name Michael in the next speech tag.)
"Hard to believe he's been gone a year," he murmured without turning his head. (Two things here. First, as mentioned above, I suggest using Michael's name instead of the pronoun. Second, I believe the words "his head" are assumed. Hence, you could write:
"Hard to believe he's been gone a year," Michael murmured without turning.)
"I don't," he said. "Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself." (The speech tag is unnecessary. There are only two people conversing:
"I don't. Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself.")
"Around." His lips barely moved. (Another adverb. Why not a verb like 'mumble' or 'mutter' that are typically said through tight lips? For example: "Around," he mumbled.)
He finally looked at her. (The adverb "finally" is unnecessary. If he hadn't looked at her until then, he was obviously 'finally' doing so. Simply write: He looked at her.)
He went on like she hadn't spoken. (That sentence points directly to the dialogue which follows. I suggest a colon instead of the period: He went on like she hadn't spoken: )
His monologue continued. (His monologue continued:)
Her hands caught his, wrinkling the paper before he could read a word. (I found the paragraphing a bit distracting here. I suggest moving this sentence up to paragraph with the previous sentence.)
The words were blurred, by rain or tears, he didn't know, but it didn't matter. They stood up together. Taking a deep breath, he nodded and her brilliant smile sealed his decision. (Ah, this is part of the problem near the end of the story, red. In these sentences you jump POV from Mary to Michael.)
***
I trust I've been helpful. PM if you have any questions or comments about this review.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2009
-
Thank you so much! All excellent points, as usual. I appreciate the time you took to give me a detailed review. I will work on fixing all of those spots. Dang adverbs! lol
Comment from rama devi
This is very well written, Red. Lots of good descriptions, visual and kinesthetic, which bring the scene alive. the character development is excellent for flash. Dialog is well written and true to life. The only nit i have is that you never let us know the test results, but I suppose it is also a flash device to leave the readers hanging and let them decide for themselves?
I saw no spags!
Best of luck.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
|
This is very well written, Red. Lots of good descriptions, visual and kinesthetic, which bring the scene alive. the character development is excellent for flash. Dialog is well written and true to life. The only nit i have is that you never let us know the test results, but I suppose it is also a flash device to leave the readers hanging and let them decide for themselves?
I saw no spags!
Best of luck.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
-
Thank you, rd. The point is the results are unimportant. Michael is one of the family regardless. I'm glad you enjoyed the story so much, and I appreciated the kind review.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes I enjoyed your story it is very well written with the feeling coming through well with the characters a very creative contest entry well done regards Fuller
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
|
Yes I enjoyed your story it is very well written with the feeling coming through well with the characters a very creative contest entry well done regards Fuller
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
-
Thank you, Fuller. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Shirley B
Very good flash fiction. I liked the way you did not tell the reader the answer to the question. Even though I was wondering. It made the reader want to know more. But in the end it doesn't matter. Very good writing. You did an excellent job. Shirley
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
|
Very good flash fiction. I liked the way you did not tell the reader the answer to the question. Even though I was wondering. It made the reader want to know more. But in the end it doesn't matter. Very good writing. You did an excellent job. Shirley
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
-
Thank you, Shirley. I'm so glad you understood that the results didn't matter.
Comment from legless
hi red
just one typo that i can spot; where, -" lands up on the next line.
would, 'dad's gravesite,' be better just as,'dad's grave.'?
it's a good idea in chapters to leave the reader hanging but i'm not sure whether in a short story you need to give your audience some resolution. personal choice i suppose and it's your story.
this is very well crafted; it has a nice flow and the characters are well constructed.
'Her hands caught his, wrinkling the paper before he could read a word. Mary's tears spilled as he looked at her. His green eyes shimmered and his lower lip trembled. With a cry, she grabbed him close. His shoulders shook and he clutched her tight as his tears soaked her hair.'
too many he's hers,his' etc maybe in this sentence.
a really good read, thanks
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
|
hi red
just one typo that i can spot; where, -" lands up on the next line.
would, 'dad's gravesite,' be better just as,'dad's grave.'?
it's a good idea in chapters to leave the reader hanging but i'm not sure whether in a short story you need to give your audience some resolution. personal choice i suppose and it's your story.
this is very well crafted; it has a nice flow and the characters are well constructed.
'Her hands caught his, wrinkling the paper before he could read a word. Mary's tears spilled as he looked at her. His green eyes shimmered and his lower lip trembled. With a cry, she grabbed him close. His shoulders shook and he clutched her tight as his tears soaked her hair.'
too many he's hers,his' etc maybe in this sentence.
a really good read, thanks
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
-
Thank you, legless. I appreciate the thorough, detailed, honest review. Dunno what to do about the he/her/his problem. Can't find a way to reword to eliminate some of them. As for resolution, I'm assuming you mean the fact that the DNA results aren't revealed (I'm not sure because lack of punctuation in that part of your review leaves a couple ways to construe). In flash fiction, a lot is left to the reader's imagination. The point of the story is that the DNA results don't matter--he's one of the family, regardless.
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
This is very well conceived ... and very well written too. You had me with them, right there in the graveyard. I held my breath as he opened the envelope ... and I STILL don't know! Neither do they, but WOW what great writing.
Warm wishes
Kat
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
|
This is very well conceived ... and very well written too. You had me with them, right there in the graveyard. I held my breath as he opened the envelope ... and I STILL don't know! Neither do they, but WOW what great writing.
Warm wishes
Kat
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
-
Thank you very much, Kat. I worked very hard to achieve that suspense, so I'm glad it came out right.
Comment from D. Longo
Yeah! Excellent flash fiction! Grabbed me, held me, tossed me around a bit, and let me go - all in a flash. Superb description, superb tension and resolution. Love the way this author treated the conclusion: showing without telling.
Bravo!
D.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2009
|
Yeah! Excellent flash fiction! Grabbed me, held me, tossed me around a bit, and let me go - all in a flash. Superb description, superb tension and resolution. Love the way this author treated the conclusion: showing without telling.
Bravo!
D.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2009
-
Thank you for the enthusiastic review. I took the flash fiction course and recommend it to anyone who wants to improve their writing.
Comment from empire76
No no no ... I want to know ... rewind ... pleeeeaaassseee
Good one. Very nicely done. The competition line fits perfectly into your story. I enjoyed reading it
E
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2009
|
No no no ... I want to know ... rewind ... pleeeeaaassseee
Good one. Very nicely done. The competition line fits perfectly into your story. I enjoyed reading it
E
Comment Written 11-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2009
-
thank you very much, empi, glad you liked it
