Flash Fiction Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Finding Forgiveness"a selection of my best flash fiction
26 total reviews
Comment from zlp22
Very good story on who we need to forgive. The story was very interesting and I liked the ending. The daughter seemed not to care if her mother lived or died. It is not easy to forgive if your life turned out bad.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Very good story on who we need to forgive. The story was very interesting and I liked the ending. The daughter seemed not to care if her mother lived or died. It is not easy to forgive if your life turned out bad.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2009
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Thank you, zip
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very interesting. I feel story for the daughter, or the daughter she raised.
The fact that you'll be able to sleep (You don't need the that.)
The weakness had returned (The weakness returned.)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2009
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Very interesting. I feel story for the daughter, or the daughter she raised.
The fact that you'll be able to sleep (You don't need the that.)
The weakness had returned (The weakness returned.)
Comment Written 03-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2009
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Thank you, Barbara, for the review and the nits.
Comment from colinlinder
I really enjoyed reading this short piece. So many things in our lives that we can't forgive, I can empathize with the daughter easily
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2009
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I really enjoyed reading this short piece. So many things in our lives that we can't forgive, I can empathize with the daughter easily
Comment Written 03-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2009
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Thank you. So glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from *erin*
Touching story about faith. I liked it. It was a different take on mother and daughter relationships. I'm glad Katie managed to forgive her in the end. No errors that I could find. Good job.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2009
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Touching story about faith. I liked it. It was a different take on mother and daughter relationships. I'm glad Katie managed to forgive her in the end. No errors that I could find. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2009
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thank you, erin
Comment from LauraKatherine
Red,
I thought this was a pretty strong story.
I particularly liked the dialogue: realistic, character-revealing and not sugar coated. The fact that Katie doesn't really forgive her "mother" at the end is realistic, too. All too often in overtly Christian stories, there's some sort of happy ending and lots of churchy talk (which I can't stand!); Katie would be crying over her mother and forgiving her at the last moment, that sort of thing.
It wouldn't be realistic, though: forgiveness is difficult after abuse, some people never resolve and reconcile before they die, and people can continue to hate a dead person. (I've seen the first two with my father and his father. It's tragic.) So great job on being realistic about the difficulties of finding forgiveness.
I also really liked how we never know exactly what happened on that night 30-odd years ago, nor do we know what abuses Katie had to endure from the narrator. (I would have liked a few more hints throughout the story, but that's just me.)
Her tone was brittle, stabbing me with every hard word (great metaphor, and it accurately reflects Katie's brutal tone.)
Couple of things to consider:
I'd like to see some of the descriptions of body language/tone fleshed out a bit.
For example:
Cold crept up my fingers and toes. . . . Blessed numbness followed the iciness (I liked this metaphor and description, and I would have liked to see it expanded upon, perhaps in the last paragraph. It's got great potential, as it shows both death's chill and the effect Katie's chilling response to her mother has on the dying woman.)
Her expression plainly said she was short on patience.
(what in her expression tells her mother that? Maybe describe it a bit more? There were a couple other places like this where the narrator is telling me things that I would have liked to have "seen.")
I did like how Katie uses things like getting mom a drink of water, talking about lunch, smoothing the sheets, etc., to avoid the topic. That told me a lot about Katie's desire to skirt the issue and not deal with it.
I'm going with four stars because I think there are some parts that could be expanded upon to show-and-not-tell. (You've got some wiggle room, thankfully, as the story's a little over 800 words and the contest allows up to 1500.)
I also would have liked a few hints as to the nature of the abuses and the backstory; not enough to spoil the twist at the end, but just a few tidbits here and there. The dialogue is really good and forgiveness is a subject that most people can identify with. (And those that claim they don't identify with it are lying!) Good luck in the contest. Laura
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2009
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Red,
I thought this was a pretty strong story.
I particularly liked the dialogue: realistic, character-revealing and not sugar coated. The fact that Katie doesn't really forgive her "mother" at the end is realistic, too. All too often in overtly Christian stories, there's some sort of happy ending and lots of churchy talk (which I can't stand!); Katie would be crying over her mother and forgiving her at the last moment, that sort of thing.
It wouldn't be realistic, though: forgiveness is difficult after abuse, some people never resolve and reconcile before they die, and people can continue to hate a dead person. (I've seen the first two with my father and his father. It's tragic.) So great job on being realistic about the difficulties of finding forgiveness.
I also really liked how we never know exactly what happened on that night 30-odd years ago, nor do we know what abuses Katie had to endure from the narrator. (I would have liked a few more hints throughout the story, but that's just me.)
Her tone was brittle, stabbing me with every hard word (great metaphor, and it accurately reflects Katie's brutal tone.)
Couple of things to consider:
I'd like to see some of the descriptions of body language/tone fleshed out a bit.
For example:
Cold crept up my fingers and toes. . . . Blessed numbness followed the iciness (I liked this metaphor and description, and I would have liked to see it expanded upon, perhaps in the last paragraph. It's got great potential, as it shows both death's chill and the effect Katie's chilling response to her mother has on the dying woman.)
Her expression plainly said she was short on patience.
(what in her expression tells her mother that? Maybe describe it a bit more? There were a couple other places like this where the narrator is telling me things that I would have liked to have "seen.")
I did like how Katie uses things like getting mom a drink of water, talking about lunch, smoothing the sheets, etc., to avoid the topic. That told me a lot about Katie's desire to skirt the issue and not deal with it.
I'm going with four stars because I think there are some parts that could be expanded upon to show-and-not-tell. (You've got some wiggle room, thankfully, as the story's a little over 800 words and the contest allows up to 1500.)
I also would have liked a few hints as to the nature of the abuses and the backstory; not enough to spoil the twist at the end, but just a few tidbits here and there. The dialogue is really good and forgiveness is a subject that most people can identify with. (And those that claim they don't identify with it are lying!) Good luck in the contest. Laura
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2009
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Wow, LK, thank you so much for the thorough review. You made some great observations and suggestions. I'm going to sit down with your points tomorrow and see what I can do to improve it. (Maybe after I do, you could read it again? Please?) Unfortunately, the contest voting is complete and the piece only got one vote. :( It's ok, I really enjoyed writing this story, which had been knocking around in my head and came out pretty quick once the prompt came out. I really appreciate the excellent review.
Comment from MaureenC
Red, this is just lovely. How right you are about forgiveness. You certainly carried the suspense right to the last line.
Not one thing I could suggest changing.
Love and hugs
Maureen
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2009
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Red, this is just lovely. How right you are about forgiveness. You certainly carried the suspense right to the last line.
Not one thing I could suggest changing.
Love and hugs
Maureen
Comment Written 02-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Maureen. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Zaphod
Great job with this. You really captured the relatioship between the mother and daughter well. I thought the conversation flowed perfectly.
I didn't see anything on my read.
All the best in the contest.
Z
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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Great job with this. You really captured the relatioship between the mother and daughter well. I thought the conversation flowed perfectly.
I didn't see anything on my read.
All the best in the contest.
Z
Comment Written 01-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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Thank you very much, Z-man. I appreciate the great review.
Comment from Carol D Parker
This is a thought-provoking story. It's right on the mark about forgiving someone before they go, or it will haunt you the rest of your life. It's written very well. Great imagery. I think it's fine, Good luck
Delora
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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This is a thought-provoking story. It's right on the mark about forgiving someone before they go, or it will haunt you the rest of your life. It's written very well. Great imagery. I think it's fine, Good luck
Delora
Comment Written 01-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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Thank you, Delora. I really appreciate the warm review.
Comment from patwannabe
redrider, I'm giving you a six. This is absolutely marvelous. I love it. What a beautiful story. Your ending was perfect and a very pleasant surprise. That made the whole story. No SPAG, or if there was, I was too involved in the story. Thank you, pat
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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redrider, I'm giving you a six. This is absolutely marvelous. I love it. What a beautiful story. Your ending was perfect and a very pleasant surprise. That made the whole story. No SPAG, or if there was, I was too involved in the story. Thank you, pat
Comment Written 01-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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Wow, thank you so much, pat! Your wonderful review and generous rating made my day.
Comment from bc1yax
my how beautfull but so tearfull - a mother dying, but not the real mother of her daugther - it happens in this world - you have a very good short story with all the needed parts - excellent -
bc1yax
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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my how beautfull but so tearfull - a mother dying, but not the real mother of her daugther - it happens in this world - you have a very good short story with all the needed parts - excellent -
bc1yax
Comment Written 01-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2009
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Thank you, bc. So glad you enjoyed it.
