Willing Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Willing Hearts Chapter 2"Solve a crime and fall in love at the same time?
35 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
If Sami wanted to fit in with the working girls she appeared to look raunchy enough for them not to know at a glance she was incognito.
"the john's hit on her" should be the johns. Dressed as Sami is that scenario is likely to transpire.
Don't believe turning the john on was Sami's intention or idea of a good time.
There are just some parts of the word "no" many people simply do not comprehend the meaning of. One would think they do, but they do not.
"didn't want to be burden" should be didn't want to be a burden.
So true, to survive on the streets one definitely keeps their eyes, ears, and mouth shut. Doing these little actions may help keep one out of a body bag a short while longer.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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If Sami wanted to fit in with the working girls she appeared to look raunchy enough for them not to know at a glance she was incognito.
"the john's hit on her" should be the johns. Dressed as Sami is that scenario is likely to transpire.
Don't believe turning the john on was Sami's intention or idea of a good time.
There are just some parts of the word "no" many people simply do not comprehend the meaning of. One would think they do, but they do not.
"didn't want to be burden" should be didn't want to be a burden.
So true, to survive on the streets one definitely keeps their eyes, ears, and mouth shut. Doing these little actions may help keep one out of a body bag a short while longer.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2024
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Thank you for going back and reading this post when there's no money attached. I appreciate it and the catches. I've made the corrects.
Comment from SimianSavant
First time really reading one of your stories, and I jumped in at your most recent chapter, but am now starting back from the beginning for some context. A good story in the works. Currently feels a little dialogue heavy and linear in places. Eg person says let's do this, then they do it, and the consequence is immediate. A bit more of a TV show cut and switch between parallel scenes happening, and off-camera delays, might help build suspense. I do not have a lot of experience with this sort of writing, as I rarely write stories over 2000 words, so might be worth getting the opinions of others.
Some minor edit suggestions:
"Your girlfriend?"
"Yes."
Maybe mention the guy releases her arm as Noah confronts him?
Jose added, "You may be the first guy a woman thought was nice and handsome but left because she didn't want to be burden." <= a burden
Sami found a piece of paper and wrote. Noah, I can't take any more of your time. I'll be more careful. I appreciate your help. Thank you again. Sami. <= maybe put the text of the note in italics
How does Sami know that a group of women are prostitutes? More physical description might be good.
Thanks for an intriguing read. I will be visiting an anti-trafficking effort abroad in a few months.
Harambe (for President)
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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First time really reading one of your stories, and I jumped in at your most recent chapter, but am now starting back from the beginning for some context. A good story in the works. Currently feels a little dialogue heavy and linear in places. Eg person says let's do this, then they do it, and the consequence is immediate. A bit more of a TV show cut and switch between parallel scenes happening, and off-camera delays, might help build suspense. I do not have a lot of experience with this sort of writing, as I rarely write stories over 2000 words, so might be worth getting the opinions of others.
Some minor edit suggestions:
"Your girlfriend?"
"Yes."
Maybe mention the guy releases her arm as Noah confronts him?
Jose added, "You may be the first guy a woman thought was nice and handsome but left because she didn't want to be burden." <= a burden
Sami found a piece of paper and wrote. Noah, I can't take any more of your time. I'll be more careful. I appreciate your help. Thank you again. Sami. <= maybe put the text of the note in italics
How does Sami know that a group of women are prostitutes? More physical description might be good.
Thanks for an intriguing read. I will be visiting an anti-trafficking effort abroad in a few months.
Harambe (for President)
Comment Written 28-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the corrections. I'll get on this.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
She must have some kind of a shield of protection around her. "Let's hope it's not so much the john's hit on her.""As pretty as she is, I'm surprised they haven't already." We were worried. Why does this not surprise me? "When he left, Sami found a piece of paper and wrote. Noah, I can't take any more of your time." So true: One of the women faced her. "To survive out here, you keep your eyes, ears, and mouth shut." The ending is a little sketchy she may be followed. This is so well done. Excellent, I have to give it an A+
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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She must have some kind of a shield of protection around her. "Let's hope it's not so much the john's hit on her.""As pretty as she is, I'm surprised they haven't already." We were worried. Why does this not surprise me? "When he left, Sami found a piece of paper and wrote. Noah, I can't take any more of your time." So true: One of the women faced her. "To survive out here, you keep your eyes, ears, and mouth shut." The ending is a little sketchy she may be followed. This is so well done. Excellent, I have to give it an A+
Comment Written 23-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2024
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Thank you for going back and reading this post. I appreciate you.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Sami is really playing with fire, Barbara, I was holding my breath all the while I was reading the parts she was on the street. She doesn't have a clue about street life, I don't either, only to know not to go there!
I think the team will have to let Sami know who and what they are soon, the way Sami is going on means they are watching her, rather than what they are supposed to be doind. Mind you, I'm sure they are just as interested in what she's learning. Another great chapter, Barb, and so different to the other one you are posting. Well done!! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Sami is really playing with fire, Barbara, I was holding my breath all the while I was reading the parts she was on the street. She doesn't have a clue about street life, I don't either, only to know not to go there!
I think the team will have to let Sami know who and what they are soon, the way Sami is going on means they are watching her, rather than what they are supposed to be doind. Mind you, I'm sure they are just as interested in what she's learning. Another great chapter, Barb, and so different to the other one you are posting. Well done!! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Yes, they think she knows more than she thinks she does. She doesn't and just gets herself into more trouble. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Navada
This is a really interesting premise. I admire a high school teacher for putting herself on the line to try to save girls and women being treated in this way. I actually teach human trafficking later in the year in a Year 11 Religious Education class and we explore some of the impacts of operations like these.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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This is a really interesting premise. I admire a high school teacher for putting herself on the line to try to save girls and women being treated in this way. I actually teach human trafficking later in the year in a Year 11 Religious Education class and we explore some of the impacts of operations like these.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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I'm glad they're teaching it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I liked the first chapter and really liked this one as well. Sami is out of her league trying to make those girls talk, but the fact that they told her about their pimp arriving saved her. They may break down after a few more visits, but it is certainly a scary situation. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
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I liked the first chapter and really liked this one as well. Sami is out of her league trying to make those girls talk, but the fact that they told her about their pimp arriving saved her. They may break down after a few more visits, but it is certainly a scary situation. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
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Yes, Sami is way out of her league. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Barbara,
Sami appears to be somewhat naive about the real world. If someone is brazen enough to steal young girls right off the street in broad daylight, they are some dangerous characters, probably better left to the pros. Nonetheless, I appreciate her desire to help. Like so many people in this country, we're frustrated by the apparent lack of concern by people who are supposed to be upholding the law. Often, I believe there is a hardness that has developed by seeing so much crime. I enjoyed this gal.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
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Hello Barbara,
Sami appears to be somewhat naive about the real world. If someone is brazen enough to steal young girls right off the street in broad daylight, they are some dangerous characters, probably better left to the pros. Nonetheless, I appreciate her desire to help. Like so many people in this country, we're frustrated by the apparent lack of concern by people who are supposed to be upholding the law. Often, I believe there is a hardness that has developed by seeing so much crime. I enjoyed this gal.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
Comment Written 03-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the kind review. It was 10 at night the girls were taken.
Comment from Julie Fudge Smith1
Good tension in the story which kept me reading. I hadn't read chapter 1, but I was able to figure out the people before I read the character descriptions. I think that if you can jump in, figure out the basic plot, and want more, then the writing is spot on.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Good tension in the story which kept me reading. I hadn't read chapter 1, but I was able to figure out the people before I read the character descriptions. I think that if you can jump in, figure out the basic plot, and want more, then the writing is spot on.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
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You are most welcome.
If you have a moment, I would appreciate it if you could read my First Chapter contest entry, "The Boy Who Danced For The Moon" I would be very interested in your thoughts on it.
Thank you.
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I read and enjoyed reading. Good luck with the contest.
Comment from Paul McFarland
This story has great potential, Barb. It will be interesting to see how you develop this Homeland Security team. Looking forward to the rest of this novel.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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This story has great potential, Barb. It will be interesting to see how you develop this Homeland Security team. Looking forward to the rest of this novel.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the encouragement
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I read this a couple of times. Structurally, it's fine. I bit heavy on the dialogue, and repetitive on a few things like: How beautiful and attractive, and a looker, and so on about Myra. (it's too excessive. Like your other female leads. Like she's the only beautiful a man has ever seen in town). That's not realistic. Even fiction must still be plausible.
I mean no disrespect, and I know you dislike criticism, but I only tell you, because I respect your talent and so much of FanStory's current culture is to NOT tell the truth, give only praise and encouragement.
You have good editing. But I think you still have a black and white issue. By that I mean, your main characters are usually saints and sinners. The saints are usually the females and sinners the males, unless they are the white-knights who drop everything to save the female protagonist.
Like when the random bad guy grabbed Myra and ignored everything she said. I thought his name was Ronnie for a second. It was the same character.
Now before you say, 'You don't like my work.' I do, I just think it could be so much better. As is, the suspension of disbelief needed is cavernous. No normal woman would do what Myra is doing (and no weapon/gun).
The dialogue is very stiff and seems a bit dated. I can't remember ever hearing a guy today say a woman is: a looker. And federal agents would never do what these people are doing, ever. Police are not great, but they absolutely would investigate that many women kidnapped right off the street. You are jumping the shark.
Again, I'm speaking honestly so you can improve and because so very few on this site will. They will give praise and a six, while expecting the same in return.
Last thing: If you want. I will skip reviewing this novel. I don't want to be a bother. Just let me know.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Hmm, I read this a couple of times. Structurally, it's fine. I bit heavy on the dialogue, and repetitive on a few things like: How beautiful and attractive, and a looker, and so on about Myra. (it's too excessive. Like your other female leads. Like she's the only beautiful a man has ever seen in town). That's not realistic. Even fiction must still be plausible.
I mean no disrespect, and I know you dislike criticism, but I only tell you, because I respect your talent and so much of FanStory's current culture is to NOT tell the truth, give only praise and encouragement.
You have good editing. But I think you still have a black and white issue. By that I mean, your main characters are usually saints and sinners. The saints are usually the females and sinners the males, unless they are the white-knights who drop everything to save the female protagonist.
Like when the random bad guy grabbed Myra and ignored everything she said. I thought his name was Ronnie for a second. It was the same character.
Now before you say, 'You don't like my work.' I do, I just think it could be so much better. As is, the suspension of disbelief needed is cavernous. No normal woman would do what Myra is doing (and no weapon/gun).
The dialogue is very stiff and seems a bit dated. I can't remember ever hearing a guy today say a woman is: a looker. And federal agents would never do what these people are doing, ever. Police are not great, but they absolutely would investigate that many women kidnapped right off the street. You are jumping the shark.
Again, I'm speaking honestly so you can improve and because so very few on this site will. They will give praise and a six, while expecting the same in return.
Last thing: If you want. I will skip reviewing this novel. I don't want to be a bother. Just let me know.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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How beautiful and attractive, and a looker, and so on about Myra (Myra isn't the main character, Sami is) Thank you for the kind review. I do understand your point and I disagree with you. We each have a right to our opinion. Another reviewer agreed with you, but at least got the MC names correct. I will see what my publisher and editors say. I do appreciate your reviews. The police in today's world, would ignore Sami because she has no real evidence. I know this personally.
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Sorry Sami.
But really, even if she was told, "A Mexican cartel took the girls."
What could she do? She can't even protect herself from one guy on the street. This makes her actions seem odd.
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She can't do anything about the missing girls and it's not a Mexican Cartel who took them. It's somebody else. Sami feels guilty and all of this is because of guilt. There's no way she can solve the problem, only get herself into trouble. Noah continues to work the case because he feels she knows something. She doesn't. I honestly do value your reviews. I may not agree, but that doesn't stop me from appreciating them and I do think about what you've said. I am hurt by your comment 'I know you dislike criticism'. It's not true. I evaluate every comment and, you'll be surprised by this but pray about it and discuss them with one of my editors, then decide if I agree or not. I have actually read your comments to her. My editor is not a 'yes' person either. I discuss things with her while I'm writing and no, she's not an old lady she's about your age. Just so you know, I was taking notes, doing research, and doing an outline at the hospital in Austin, Texas with my youngest son. He needed surgery.
He's 30, while be 31 in March. As I was discussing the plot with him, at the time he told me it would never work, but he also told me 'Under Siege on the Rockin' A' wouldn't work. It's one of my best sellers. I'm willing to try this novel. If my publisher says 'no way', then I'm come to you and apologize. I promise.
