The Focus Group
An entry in the Danse Macabre contest11 total reviews
Comment from mortman
This was great - well written and fluid prose that held my attention. Boy, that was some lolly! It might be a bit over the top to think old people could be so ruthlessly murdered just because they don't eat the product, but overall, it was well executed. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2024
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This was great - well written and fluid prose that held my attention. Boy, that was some lolly! It might be a bit over the top to think old people could be so ruthlessly murdered just because they don't eat the product, but overall, it was well executed. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2024
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Thank you! Yes, it is over the top. Truly macabre. :)
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This certainly fits the title of the contest. I don't think I've ever read a story where someone was asked to test a product and the lolly terminated them. What a creative idea.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2024
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This certainly fits the title of the contest. I don't think I've ever read a story where someone was asked to test a product and the lolly terminated them. What a creative idea.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2024
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Thank you! :) I think she would have survived if she'd been a potential costumer.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Wow! You really took me on a quick, unsuspecting roller coaster ride. Your imaginative story has a delightful beginning and flows into the description of a pleasant day for a group of seniors. I became suspicious when you said interviews were conducted individually. Like Phyllis, I made excuses for noticeably odd things like spots on the floor. I surely wish I knew why the company was killing people. But that's another story. This was totally intriguing. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2024
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Wow! You really took me on a quick, unsuspecting roller coaster ride. Your imaginative story has a delightful beginning and flows into the description of a pleasant day for a group of seniors. I became suspicious when you said interviews were conducted individually. Like Phyllis, I made excuses for noticeably odd things like spots on the floor. I surely wish I knew why the company was killing people. But that's another story. This was totally intriguing. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much! :)
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written. I liked the surprise ending... except for the words spoken by the interviewer. He left me a bit confused as to whether he killed all the respondents, or only those who didn't buy his product.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Well written. I liked the surprise ending... except for the words spoken by the interviewer. He left me a bit confused as to whether he killed all the respondents, or only those who didn't buy his product.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much. I think he only killed the ones who wouldn't be customers in the future. :)
Comment from Judith Ann
Wow, this took me by surprise. It is a well written piece that I enjoyed reading. I would like to know more but I guess that is the way of this type of macabre story, and the sign of a good piece of writing. And Focus Group was a perfect title. Thoroughly enjoyed this.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Wow, this took me by surprise. It is a well written piece that I enjoyed reading. I would like to know more but I guess that is the way of this type of macabre story, and the sign of a good piece of writing. And Focus Group was a perfect title. Thoroughly enjoyed this.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much for your generous feedback and six stars! :)
Comment from Wendy G
Well, that certainly met the requirements of the contest! Very macabre indeed! Remind me not to join any focus groups, or submit to any questionaires - and I must NEVER accept lollies from a stranger!! Just look at all my exclamation marks. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Well, that certainly met the requirements of the contest! Very macabre indeed! Remind me not to join any focus groups, or submit to any questionaires - and I must NEVER accept lollies from a stranger!! Just look at all my exclamation marks. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 02-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Thanks so much for your generous six stars, Wendy! :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you have something here but it needs a bit more development in terms of the denouement and reasoning.
On the whole this is engaging and pretty well written up until the last section. It needs more thought.
I noticed that when you have proceeding dialogue you put the punctuation outside of the speech marks before the tag but in other dialogue you have it inside. It ould be better to keep this consistent and have it all inside the mars.
"I see, said the gentleman, making another note. - need closing speech marks after see.
handed her a soft, pliable sweet. / he smiled as she swallowed the lolly. - here you use both sweet and lolly for the same thing, there're not. Best keep it the same for consistency.
Her hands clutched convulsively- these two descriptors don't really work together. Clutched means to grasp tightly so convulsing isn't really applicable.
If you don't consume our products, we'll consume you," he muttered to himself. - this doesn't fully work. Phyllis did consume their product and they consumed her anyway. i think this needs a bit more thought and working out.
The sense isn't there either with this denouement. It's not like they're a threat by eating other folks products so why kill them?
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Hi there,
I think you have something here but it needs a bit more development in terms of the denouement and reasoning.
On the whole this is engaging and pretty well written up until the last section. It needs more thought.
I noticed that when you have proceeding dialogue you put the punctuation outside of the speech marks before the tag but in other dialogue you have it inside. It ould be better to keep this consistent and have it all inside the mars.
"I see, said the gentleman, making another note. - need closing speech marks after see.
handed her a soft, pliable sweet. / he smiled as she swallowed the lolly. - here you use both sweet and lolly for the same thing, there're not. Best keep it the same for consistency.
Her hands clutched convulsively- these two descriptors don't really work together. Clutched means to grasp tightly so convulsing isn't really applicable.
If you don't consume our products, we'll consume you," he muttered to himself. - this doesn't fully work. Phyllis did consume their product and they consumed her anyway. i think this needs a bit more thought and working out.
The sense isn't there either with this denouement. It's not like they're a threat by eating other folks products so why kill them?
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Thank you.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
That was a scary one, I prefer on-line interviews:) "Once they had finished, the interviewer resumed his seat. "If you don't consume our products, we'll consume you," he muttered to himself. " Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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That was a scary one, I prefer on-line interviews:) "Once they had finished, the interviewer resumed his seat. "If you don't consume our products, we'll consume you," he muttered to himself. " Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much! Yes, the contest required a degree of horror, so I complied. I don't usually write this way, so it was a good challenge for me. Thank you so much for the generous six stars! :)
Comment from Sabrina H.
What an interesting story with a twist. I don't think I'll ever view a focus group the same. Really love your story, very well written.
This is the only error I saw. ("I see, said the gentleman, making another note.) Needs quotation mark before the word said. Everything else looks great.
Keep writing:)
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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What an interesting story with a twist. I don't think I'll ever view a focus group the same. Really love your story, very well written.
This is the only error I saw. ("I see, said the gentleman, making another note.) Needs quotation mark before the word said. Everything else looks great.
Keep writing:)
Comment Written 02-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Ah - great - thanks so much for the pick-up! :)
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Several examples of foreshadowing of a an ensuing cautionary tale: "Phyllis wasn't sure of their actual job title, but they wore identical uniforms that reminded her of her first and only plane ride." & "Phyllis thought focus groups were conducted differently, but this company must be intent on obtaining individual answers to their questions." &
"They've used a raspberry-coloured detergent, she thought, because there's some traces of red on the surface. How strange." How great. Entertaining.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Several examples of foreshadowing of a an ensuing cautionary tale: "Phyllis wasn't sure of their actual job title, but they wore identical uniforms that reminded her of her first and only plane ride." & "Phyllis thought focus groups were conducted differently, but this company must be intent on obtaining individual answers to their questions." &
"They've used a raspberry-coloured detergent, she thought, because there's some traces of red on the surface. How strange." How great. Entertaining.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2024
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Thank you so much for picking up on these! :)
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I watch a lot of tv...lol
Clever for including the clues.
