DARK NIGHT AND DARK DAY
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Dark Night & Day, Chapter 6"Romance of a new Alaskan
11 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I wonder if Henry only proposed to Marj to look respectable and not have his secret out in the open. It's silly to do that. He might love them both, Eddie as well as her, but he aught to know that really wouldn't work, not with someone like Marj. Another excellent chapter! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2023
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I wonder if Henry only proposed to Marj to look respectable and not have his secret out in the open. It's silly to do that. He might love them both, Eddie as well as her, but he aught to know that really wouldn't work, not with someone like Marj. Another excellent chapter! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 01-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2023
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Glad you called this chapter excellent. I'll working on Chapter 8 next. Hope I get out of confusion. Many thanks!
Comment from MissMerri
I was going to wait until I got to my computer to review but I never seem to get there so I'm doing this on my iPhone which means you have to endure the assortment of strange marks that replace apostrophes and quotes. I see you had that same problem with the word fiancé. As I will as well. You can fix that in your post if you remove the word and retype it directly into the space while in advanced editor. I will fix my review when I am at the computer eventually. The only other suggestion I have is to exchange one word in this line.. All nurses watched (looked) at him with adoring eyes, and so did she. I think that is what you meant to say. I love how you develop your characters and was so impressed with what an unselfish and caring person Margie is, even in the midst of her own suffering. She reminds me of my own dear friend, Marie. This is a fascinating story and I look forward to reading more. Keep going.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2023
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I was going to wait until I got to my computer to review but I never seem to get there so I'm doing this on my iPhone which means you have to endure the assortment of strange marks that replace apostrophes and quotes. I see you had that same problem with the word fiancé. As I will as well. You can fix that in your post if you remove the word and retype it directly into the space while in advanced editor. I will fix my review when I am at the computer eventually. The only other suggestion I have is to exchange one word in this line.. All nurses watched (looked) at him with adoring eyes, and so did she. I think that is what you meant to say. I love how you develop your characters and was so impressed with what an unselfish and caring person Margie is, even in the midst of her own suffering. She reminds me of my own dear friend, Marie. This is a fascinating story and I look forward to reading more. Keep going.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2023
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Thanks for spending time on this and I'll be sure to follow your suggestion. Now that I got IRS and 2 other projects finally done, I'll spend some time on this, that is until we leave camping. LOVE reading this from you!
Comment from irishauthorme
Good chapter. Lots of good detail, and I see your writing is taking on a new depth. You are reaching and finding the emotions that influence your character's decisions, and those decisions affect the directions their lives take.
You are also successfully dealing with a difficult situation, in the homosexuality and bisexuality of Eddy and henry. You wisely have your protagonist steering away from the volatile threesome.
Good work!
irish
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2023
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Good chapter. Lots of good detail, and I see your writing is taking on a new depth. You are reaching and finding the emotions that influence your character's decisions, and those decisions affect the directions their lives take.
You are also successfully dealing with a difficult situation, in the homosexuality and bisexuality of Eddy and henry. You wisely have your protagonist steering away from the volatile threesome.
Good work!
irish
Comment Written 13-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2023
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Thanks a million for spending time reading this chapter! Sweet of you to drift a few minutes from your projects.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have a very good story going here and you have set it in an interesting place, but you need to cut and trim out unnecessary words. e.g. she snapped at the large . . . You could say . . . she snapped photos of . . . You use the words at, also have, had, has too much and they distance the reader from your story, which is really quite good. When you write a line, simplify. e.g A smile fell across her face. . . Smiles don't fall; that makes a frown. Why not just say She smiled as she thought about . . . Actually, looking back at some of my early writing, I wrote a lot like you do. Are you reading a lot of other writers on here? Some are very good; some not so much. Best wishes for a great year of writing.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2023
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You have a very good story going here and you have set it in an interesting place, but you need to cut and trim out unnecessary words. e.g. she snapped at the large . . . You could say . . . she snapped photos of . . . You use the words at, also have, had, has too much and they distance the reader from your story, which is really quite good. When you write a line, simplify. e.g A smile fell across her face. . . Smiles don't fall; that makes a frown. Why not just say She smiled as she thought about . . . Actually, looking back at some of my early writing, I wrote a lot like you do. Are you reading a lot of other writers on here? Some are very good; some not so much. Best wishes for a great year of writing.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2023
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Many thanks for taking time to carefully read this piece. I very much appreciate all your comments. I really do need them!
Comment from forestport12
Looks like you did a good job enough to want a reader of romance to hunger for more. Very intriguing plot with her moving away from shock of being engaged to someone has another bent. Interestingly, my life story and wife's story includes a similar situation in the future. Strong plot.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2023
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Looks like you did a good job enough to want a reader of romance to hunger for more. Very intriguing plot with her moving away from shock of being engaged to someone has another bent. Interestingly, my life story and wife's story includes a similar situation in the future. Strong plot.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2023
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Thanks for reviewing, Cal. I look forward to your next piece. Winter in snow makes a good time to sit and type. Good luck with getting yours done.
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I'm trying to be choosy enough in my true story to put interesting things in. That's always a tough call. I'm wanting to get to the aspect of it as a love story between my wife and I. Love stories well told are always the best ones.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I do like this story. I doubt Marjorie and Roger are going to be able to avoid each other for much longer. LOL
Julie then offered to pick her up in the next morning for a Sunday service. (following morning)
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2023
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I do like this story. I doubt Marjorie and Roger are going to be able to avoid each other for much longer. LOL
Julie then offered to pick her up in the next morning for a Sunday service. (following morning)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2023
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Many thanks for taking time to read this chapter and for catching my overlooked wording. Definitely, 'next' should be replaced with 'folowing'
Comment from Shirley McLain
Forgiveness is a wonderful feeling, and if you're a child of God, so necessary. It seems the program has a problem with fiance. I believe if you correct it, it will remain changed to letters. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2023
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Forgiveness is a wonderful feeling, and if you're a child of God, so necessary. It seems the program has a problem with fiance. I believe if you correct it, it will remain changed to letters. Have a wonderful day. Shirley
Comment Written 07-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2023
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Thanks for taking time to read this. I've tried a couple of times to fix fiancé but it keeps coming back. I'll try again.
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You might ask the people at FanStory. They might know a way.
Comment from Marty Skye
An enjoyable read, but the flow needs a bit of work. I suggest reading your writing out loud, or better yet, have someone else read it out to you, and you might catch the few areas that need smoothing out. I've pointed out a few things. Hope it helps.
Driving away from the ice pond, Marjorie's thoughts - her thoughts didn't do the driving. "As Marjorie drove away from the ice pond, her thoughts..." Just a suggestion. Makes more sense.
Here too: In the apartment, wondering thoughts continued to center on a man she had known... Suggest 'her' before 'wondering'.
I can't imagine talking to Henry.? This isn't a question.
Once addressed and stamped, she hurried - sounds like she was addressed and stamped. Suggest 'With the letter addressed and stamped..."
"Leo got his dogs ready for the 500-mile Quest race?"
"He sure is," she answered - Shouldn't this read 'He sure has," ?
Thank you for sharing your work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2023
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An enjoyable read, but the flow needs a bit of work. I suggest reading your writing out loud, or better yet, have someone else read it out to you, and you might catch the few areas that need smoothing out. I've pointed out a few things. Hope it helps.
Driving away from the ice pond, Marjorie's thoughts - her thoughts didn't do the driving. "As Marjorie drove away from the ice pond, her thoughts..." Just a suggestion. Makes more sense.
Here too: In the apartment, wondering thoughts continued to center on a man she had known... Suggest 'her' before 'wondering'.
I can't imagine talking to Henry.? This isn't a question.
Once addressed and stamped, she hurried - sounds like she was addressed and stamped. Suggest 'With the letter addressed and stamped..."
"Leo got his dogs ready for the 500-mile Quest race?"
"He sure is," she answered - Shouldn't this read 'He sure has," ?
Thank you for sharing your work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2023
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Thanks you for reading this. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from lyenochka
Your topic is a challenging one and I'm glad that Julie has such sound advice and even invited Marjorie to church. Hopefully, she will find healing and peace of mind. I know of one threesome marriage and I just can't imagine how that works.
Suggestions:
"After betrayal by her fianc�© Henry," and "forgive your ex-fianc�??�?�©."(the aigu accent got garbled. I use the Advanced Editor's Special Character icon for this.)
Be our friends." (friend)
I can't imagine talking to Henry.?" (either period or question mark)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2023
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Your topic is a challenging one and I'm glad that Julie has such sound advice and even invited Marjorie to church. Hopefully, she will find healing and peace of mind. I know of one threesome marriage and I just can't imagine how that works.
Suggestions:
"After betrayal by her fianc�© Henry," and "forgive your ex-fianc�??�?�©."(the aigu accent got garbled. I use the Advanced Editor's Special Character icon for this.)
Be our friends." (friend)
I can't imagine talking to Henry.?" (either period or question mark)
Comment Written 06-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2023
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A big thanks for reading this. I'll check the errors. You are always really good help, Helen. Hugs!
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Intriguing story, Marie. Romances are more complicated now!
Comment from prettybluebirds
The word (at) is unnecessary between watched and him. You also have several computer glitches throughout the story. They are easy to remove in editing. In the last paragraph, he sure (does) would sound better than (is). It is an interesting story. A little editing will make it perfect.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2023
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The word (at) is unnecessary between watched and him. You also have several computer glitches throughout the story. They are easy to remove in editing. In the last paragraph, he sure (does) would sound better than (is). It is an interesting story. A little editing will make it perfect.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2023
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2023
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Many thanks for your suggestions. Every reread pots out wording to change. I'll reread again! Thanks again.
