Picture Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 169 "Perched"Photograph Inspired Poems
17 total reviews
Comment from Capricorn30
An attractive bird--soft shade of blue;
A day in the life of this bird is well-expressed in your poetry;
Good visual imagery, coupled with nice alliteration make for an intriguing read.
Excellent!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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An attractive bird--soft shade of blue;
A day in the life of this bird is well-expressed in your poetry;
Good visual imagery, coupled with nice alliteration make for an intriguing read.
Excellent!
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Preston McWhorter
Hi, Treischel,
"Perched" is an excellent nature poem with good figurative language and imagery, meter and rhyme. (water's murky swell)
"so pensive on a tangled branch"
Preston
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Hi, Treischel,
"Perched" is an excellent nature poem with good figurative language and imagery, meter and rhyme. (water's murky swell)
"so pensive on a tangled branch"
Preston
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thank you again Preston.
Comment from adewpearl
I love that you're passing on your photography skills to your grandson :-)
strong rhymes
I also like the shortened line at the end of each sestet
warped wood, wide wings - nice alliteration
beautiful descriptive detail :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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I love that you're passing on your photography skills to your grandson :-)
strong rhymes
I also like the shortened line at the end of each sestet
warped wood, wide wings - nice alliteration
beautiful descriptive detail :-) Brooke
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thank you Brooke. Its a lot of fun to hang out with the little guy.
Comment from Petriesan
they are great birds to watch. One time in the BVI, we watched pelicans diving for food. that was fun too.
you do a great job of describing these wonderful animals
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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they are great birds to watch. One time in the BVI, we watched pelicans diving for food. that was fun too.
you do a great job of describing these wonderful animals
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thank you very much Petriesan.
Comment from Raphael Montonaro
I must reveal that I like this! Its form and subject matter was outstanding. Very sensual and revealing....Good job keep writing this was a nice poem.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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I must reveal that I like this! Its form and subject matter was outstanding. Very sensual and revealing....Good job keep writing this was a nice poem.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thank you Raphael
Comment from The Death
Hi, T.
What a nice way to describe an observation. I like the simplicity of your words, which excellently complement the lovely photo.
The opening verse sets the scene very well:
So pensive on a tangled perch,
A great bird does a furtive search
Along the flowing river banks,
A twisted shoreline at its flanks,
Majestically on narrow planks
Of wood.
'Majestically' has 5 syllables, giving you 9 syllables in that line. You can replace 'narrow' by 'thin/slim', if you wish. It will keep the meter going on, too.
Good use of R,N consonance and A,P alliteration.
Nice development of the atmosphere around the bird:
Alert to opportunities
Available among the trees,
Or in the water's murky swell,
A Great Blue Herron sits a spell
Before its restless quirks compel
Its flight.
Excellent use of R,S consonance, A,I assonance and alliteration of A,S.
Beautiful capture of its movement:
Then, with a mighty spread of wings,
From warped wood roost it quickly springs,
Excellent use of W alliteration and R consonance, too.
To dip and soar above the river,
It has 9 syllables. You can get adjust it.
For example:
To dip and soar 'cross the river
I have observed mixed meter here--though mostly consistent.
Loved the personal response:
On wings it flaps and quivers.
Through me, the sight sent small shivers
Of joy.
Nice use of S alliteration and consonance. Strong rhyming adds fluidity to your words. Nicely done!
Regards,
Anupam
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Hi, T.
What a nice way to describe an observation. I like the simplicity of your words, which excellently complement the lovely photo.
The opening verse sets the scene very well:
So pensive on a tangled perch,
A great bird does a furtive search
Along the flowing river banks,
A twisted shoreline at its flanks,
Majestically on narrow planks
Of wood.
'Majestically' has 5 syllables, giving you 9 syllables in that line. You can replace 'narrow' by 'thin/slim', if you wish. It will keep the meter going on, too.
Good use of R,N consonance and A,P alliteration.
Nice development of the atmosphere around the bird:
Alert to opportunities
Available among the trees,
Or in the water's murky swell,
A Great Blue Herron sits a spell
Before its restless quirks compel
Its flight.
Excellent use of R,S consonance, A,I assonance and alliteration of A,S.
Beautiful capture of its movement:
Then, with a mighty spread of wings,
From warped wood roost it quickly springs,
Excellent use of W alliteration and R consonance, too.
To dip and soar above the river,
It has 9 syllables. You can get adjust it.
For example:
To dip and soar 'cross the river
I have observed mixed meter here--though mostly consistent.
Loved the personal response:
On wings it flaps and quivers.
Through me, the sight sent small shivers
Of joy.
Nice use of S alliteration and consonance. Strong rhyming adds fluidity to your words. Nicely done!
Regards,
Anupam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
-
Thank you Anupam, I appreciate you detailed review and comments. I made some adjustments accordingly.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
So pensive on a tangled perch, Love the intro
A great bird does a furtive search
Along the flowing river banks,
A twisted shoreline, MUDDY flanks,
LINED WITH MANY narrow planks
Of wood.
Or in the water's murky swell, Great line
A Great Blue Herron sits a spell HERON
Before INTRUDERS' quirks compel
Its flight.
Then, with mighty spread of wings,
From MAPLE roost it quickly springs,
To dip and soar above the STREAM,
On wings it flaps AS IN A DREAM
Through me, the sight A RAPTUROUS JOY
Loved the piece. Yesterday, across the street from my house, a blue heron perched on a neighbour's roof that overlooked a gold fish pond.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
|
So pensive on a tangled perch, Love the intro
A great bird does a furtive search
Along the flowing river banks,
A twisted shoreline, MUDDY flanks,
LINED WITH MANY narrow planks
Of wood.
Or in the water's murky swell, Great line
A Great Blue Herron sits a spell HERON
Before INTRUDERS' quirks compel
Its flight.
Then, with mighty spread of wings,
From MAPLE roost it quickly springs,
To dip and soar above the STREAM,
On wings it flaps AS IN A DREAM
Through me, the sight A RAPTUROUS JOY
Loved the piece. Yesterday, across the street from my house, a blue heron perched on a neighbour's roof that overlooked a gold fish pond.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thank you Stephen fir your suggestions, but I think I'll keep it as it is.
