Battle-Born
rebirth of the Western!15 total reviews
Comment from NomaFaith
I love the description of the back ground. You can almost see and smell his surroundings. He seems to be a man haunted by his past. He has a bitterness about him. As he glances up at his house you can almost feel his happiness and his dread. Hope you add to this one. I would like to read more of it. Great job.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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I love the description of the back ground. You can almost see and smell his surroundings. He seems to be a man haunted by his past. He has a bitterness about him. As he glances up at his house you can almost feel his happiness and his dread. Hope you add to this one. I would like to read more of it. Great job.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Indeed, Sean Benteen is haunted by his past. Much of the story will be a flashback to how & why he deserted. I am delighted you would like to read more. Thank you for your kind review. RodG
Comment from Jawa78
Hi RodG,
A great first page, it sets the scene beautifully and one immediately gets the sense of the era, the civil war, and the Mississippi river boat.
I did notice a couple of things that I would have written differently, but I am a bit old fashioned and my style may be outdated:
In the first few lines 'but glanced away' might have been better as 'but they glanced away'
The word 'unbiddened'might have been better as 'unbidded'
Anyway, a good entry, well written. Good luck!
jawa78
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Hi RodG,
A great first page, it sets the scene beautifully and one immediately gets the sense of the era, the civil war, and the Mississippi river boat.
I did notice a couple of things that I would have written differently, but I am a bit old fashioned and my style may be outdated:
In the first few lines 'but glanced away' might have been better as 'but they glanced away'
The word 'unbiddened'might have been better as 'unbidded'
Anyway, a good entry, well written. Good luck!
jawa78
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Hi Jawa78. Thank you so much for taking the time to read "Battle-Born" and for your tips. I am delighted you liked this opening scene. As for STYLE, it's always a matter of taste. As I told my students for 40 years, there are no hard, fast rules. I didn't win the contest, but I had fun. RodG
Comment from dreamin'
Good Story. Your images created a good sense of place. I didn't realize until the end, that you provided no names.
That I didn't miss them was very telling. For me, it means you did your job. Leaving us with more questions than were answered, allows the reader to make it what we want.
Good luck with the contest.
Debbie
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Good Story. Your images created a good sense of place. I didn't realize until the end, that you provided no names.
That I didn't miss them was very telling. For me, it means you did your job. Leaving us with more questions than were answered, allows the reader to make it what we want.
Good luck with the contest.
Debbie
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Glad you enjoyed these introductory pages, Debbie. Right after it's mentioned the stranger is a deserter, his name--Sean Benteen--is given. Thank you for sharing and your best wishes.
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I stand corrected, and am embarrassed. I don't usually miss something like a NAME! I guess I was just so into the mood of it all, it didn't register. I apologize for my inattentiveness. Is that even a word?
Comment from Twilightspire
An excellent and descriptive beginning. You jump right in, characterizing the protagonist and setting the tone for the story to come. This works well as a start because I really wanted to see what would happen to this man now that he returned home a despised deserter.
Wonderful work and good luck in the contest.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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An excellent and descriptive beginning. You jump right in, characterizing the protagonist and setting the tone for the story to come. This works well as a start because I really wanted to see what would happen to this man now that he returned home a despised deserter.
Wonderful work and good luck in the contest.
-T.J.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Thank you, T.J. I am delighted this short section captured your interest. I truly appreciate your support.
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
This is a period in history in which I can become completely engrossed. I found, as I read the first pages of this model novel, that I very rapidly began to feel that way. You have my vote. :-) Carolyn
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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This is a period in history in which I can become completely engrossed. I found, as I read the first pages of this model novel, that I very rapidly began to feel that way. You have my vote. :-) Carolyn
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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I am delighted I got you "engrossed" in just the first few pages. I agree that this was a fascinating time in American history both in the East and the West.
Comment from mfowler
This is an excellent first pager. It is a western by genre, but a piece of human drama worthy of any war time situation. You've captured the mood of the times, the excellent setting on the boat, and the emotional tightness of the deserter as he fears danger all around. I really liked the passages where the horses actions were described especially: The hooves of his horse cracked their surfaces as he plunged on toward the white-pillared house now more distinct. You are clearly an accomplished writer of this genre, and your page feels like the whole dang thing is just about to erupt.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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This is an excellent first pager. It is a western by genre, but a piece of human drama worthy of any war time situation. You've captured the mood of the times, the excellent setting on the boat, and the emotional tightness of the deserter as he fears danger all around. I really liked the passages where the horses actions were described especially: The hooves of his horse cracked their surfaces as he plunged on toward the white-pillared house now more distinct. You are clearly an accomplished writer of this genre, and your page feels like the whole dang thing is just about to erupt.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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I am delighted this short section captured your interest. I am also flattered that you enjoyed my narrative technique.
Comment from Charley489
Very good - I think you did a good job setting a dark tone and getting the reader interested in knowing more of this story. I think that is needed in the first few words - get the reader interested.
One suggestion would be to modify it by taking just a few words out that could make it more powerful - consider changing this.
Many of these former friends and neighbors would indeed have "spat upon" him--and worse--if they knew what he had become.
The man was a deserter!
Into this:
Many of these former friends and neighbors would indeed have "spat upon" him or worse, if they knew what he had become; a deserter!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Very good - I think you did a good job setting a dark tone and getting the reader interested in knowing more of this story. I think that is needed in the first few words - get the reader interested.
One suggestion would be to modify it by taking just a few words out that could make it more powerful - consider changing this.
Many of these former friends and neighbors would indeed have "spat upon" him--and worse--if they knew what he had become.
The man was a deserter!
Into this:
Many of these former friends and neighbors would indeed have "spat upon" him or worse, if they knew what he had become; a deserter!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Hi Charley. I am pleased you liked the dark tone of this intro and I truly appreciate your suggestions regarding style. Thank you.
Comment from Dean Kuch
I really enjoy a good western, whether it be written media or movies, both old & new. This story is no exception, and its descriptive narrative and vivid use of adjectives made for a delightful first page to any novel. The only problem I see with this contest is that so often, the stories go unfinished, and in this case, that would be a shame.
Well done, and excellent entry for the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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I really enjoy a good western, whether it be written media or movies, both old & new. This story is no exception, and its descriptive narrative and vivid use of adjectives made for a delightful first page to any novel. The only problem I see with this contest is that so often, the stories go unfinished, and in this case, that would be a shame.
Well done, and excellent entry for the contest.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Hi Dean. It's great to discover another aficionado of the genre. I love working on this book and it won't go unfinished (perhaps unposted, however). Thanks for the encouragement.
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It was my pleasure.
Comment from Barbara Anne
Wow, this is so descriptive. I have just finished reading a published novel which was loose and bare, the author went out of her way to avoid any real depth of description of the environment or the feelings of the characters. So few people put the reader on the scene or convey the feelings of the players, we can go to the movies but if we want detail we must read the story. You have supplied that detail, I felt as though I was watching the steam boat pull away and I could see the rutted road and the building in the distance. The perception of a desperate and emotional man was also evident. Well done and good luck!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Wow, this is so descriptive. I have just finished reading a published novel which was loose and bare, the author went out of her way to avoid any real depth of description of the environment or the feelings of the characters. So few people put the reader on the scene or convey the feelings of the players, we can go to the movies but if we want detail we must read the story. You have supplied that detail, I felt as though I was watching the steam boat pull away and I could see the rutted road and the building in the distance. The perception of a desperate and emotional man was also evident. Well done and good luck!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Barbara Anne, I am thrilled with your reaction to my short chapter. I definitely agree with you about the need for descriptive detail in historical fiction. Thank you for sharing this and for your wonderful rating.
Comment from Ben Colder
Little rough start at first with langue but it tapered to a page turner. Lots happened in 1863 and you bring the reader with interest. Shalom
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Little rough start at first with langue but it tapered to a page turner. Lots happened in 1863 and you bring the reader with interest. Shalom
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Ben. Glad you enjoyed the read.