Roles of a Father

The roles of a father are numerous. One that recently came to me was a frank discussion, with my son Justin, about-okay quietly now-maaaaasturbation.
Oh, I know this may evoke the same queasiness that comes with, say, handling worms. Yet, it was this unsettling feeling which helped me speak openly and honestly to my son who was entering puberty.
One evening Justin called me into his room, shut the door, turned to me, and said, "Dad I've been doing it in the bathroom and at school and I don't like it at all." Knowing my response was important for Justin having a positive self-esteem towards his sexuality, I made sure to be supportive and not judgmental.
I knew right away what "It" was, and my immature ego wanted to say: "Are you crazy? A no cost way to nirvana feels great!", Instead I replied, "By the look on your face I can see this is important to you. Why do you feel this way?". A long silence followed which I took as a no comment.
During this brief quiet time I reflected on Justin's past issues with sex. He was sexually molested by his cousin a few years back when he was 8. My concern now was that this abuse had sent mixed signals regarding sex and his body. Is he associating his sexual urges with past abuse? Again, I wanted to avoid being judgmental, so I just made sure to be supportive in Justin's journey into the unknown.
In making sure the topic was okay to discuss, I replaced "It" with the real thing.
Breaking the silence, I told him how pleased I was that he came to me with his concerns about-okay here we go again-masturbation. Doesn't feel so bad now after saying it a few times. "It's a natural bodily function and a sign that you're getting older."
"Yeah, but I'm using the bathroom at home to do things I feel guilty about."
Once again, I responded that masturbation was a 100% okay thing to do.
"This is a way for your body to relieve sexual urges that occur as a result of changes in your body's chemistry. As long as you're not hurting anyone, or yourself, it's perfectly fine."
With his head looking at the floor, Justin replied "I'm hurting myself emotionally."
I decided to bring up his sexual abuse as I felt it was playing some part in this issue.
"Does this have anything to do with the past abuse by John (not his real name)?
Justin shook his head, "No, I don't think of that anymore. I just feel weird is all."
I was relieved to hear the past abuse wasn't in the picture and acknowledged how this time in his life can feel weird and confusing and I was glad we were talking about it.
"I'm very proud of you for being so open and honest with me. Just remember this is a normal stage of development that all children experience at your age."
"Even girls?"
Who said anything about girls? This was definitely from left field.
I could have gotten Mom involved but chose the safe route. "Yes, even girls."
Then another zinger. "Do you do it too.? And grandpa?"
"Well We're both human just like you and while I can't speak for grandpa, I believe he masturbated as well." I got a BIG EWWWWWWWW in my head talking about grandpa and the "M" word. Talk about feeling queasy and handling worms!
After this hot potato I decided to change the focus.
In terms of constantly feeling the "Urge", I said," you can do "it" as many times as you want and tolerate. It's your body and you can decide. Just remember the golden rule: "Always make sure the door is locked behind you. And since we only have one bathroom, try and pick your times when it's not too busy."
With that, Justin said he was tired of talking and wanted to go play outside. The pun was intended as he gave me a smile and hug begore he left.
I never talked to my dad about sex education. All the info I got came from movies, friends, and the Playboy magazines he had stashed in his dresser drawer. The nervousness I felt at the beginning of our conversation started to wain once the words started flowing. I'm not thumping my chest and saying, WOOOO-WHOOOOO look at me!" (Well maybe a little). I just want to let others know that the old saying, "Honesty is the beast Policy" still holds true.
Getting a natural boost for being a dad was great too. I like being able to help my son deal with sensitive topics and how he came to me to chat about one of them. Still, I can't seem to get those slimy worms off my hands!