The West
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Comanche Territory"One man's journey west.
24 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Tom
I enjoyed the story in this chapter very much, but IMHO you need to bring us through the battle. I had to read between the lines to see that it was a massacre. You only described the deaths of Maurice and Tom. But what about the trail boss? Travis and Joab? Some of the other men? What did the Comanches look like... war paint and attire? their horses? Did they grab Sarah? I have to assume they did, prying her away from her father's grim remains. I don't mean to be too critical, Tom, but I just think you need to give us more of the battle, perhaps from Sarah's point of view.
I know many women were taken captive back in the days of wagon trains/settlers. Did you see the movie, "Dances With Wolves"? There was a little girl taken prisoner there. And in "Little Big Man", there were women who were taken captive. All the men were usually killed. John Wayne starred in a movie, "The Searchers", where he was trying to find a friend's daughter. He knew it would be too late to rescue her once she had been with the tribe for such a long time. The women adapted, or died.
There was a wicked massacre in the 1970 movie, "Soldier Blue", starring Candace Bergen and Peter Strauss. But massacres occurred on both sides.
https://youtu.be/jjjAHAmY-DU
Other than that, the only thing I noticed was a few instances of sentence fragments. For example,
"As he died, he looked at his beautiful, young daughter. So full of life, but now filled with tears and terror. What was to become of his dear, sweet daughter?"
I suggest,
( As he died, he looked at his beautiful, young daughter... so full of life, but now filled with tears and terror. What was to become of her?)
What really surprises me is that there weren't more guards with the wagon train. The trail boss and Travis & Joab wouldn't be enough, going into hostile territory. I wonder how many settlers lost their lives during this period? Obviously, they weren't prepared. Sarah was looking forward to seeing Indians. But her excitement turned to horror soon enough.
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2018
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Hi Tom
I enjoyed the story in this chapter very much, but IMHO you need to bring us through the battle. I had to read between the lines to see that it was a massacre. You only described the deaths of Maurice and Tom. But what about the trail boss? Travis and Joab? Some of the other men? What did the Comanches look like... war paint and attire? their horses? Did they grab Sarah? I have to assume they did, prying her away from her father's grim remains. I don't mean to be too critical, Tom, but I just think you need to give us more of the battle, perhaps from Sarah's point of view.
I know many women were taken captive back in the days of wagon trains/settlers. Did you see the movie, "Dances With Wolves"? There was a little girl taken prisoner there. And in "Little Big Man", there were women who were taken captive. All the men were usually killed. John Wayne starred in a movie, "The Searchers", where he was trying to find a friend's daughter. He knew it would be too late to rescue her once she had been with the tribe for such a long time. The women adapted, or died.
There was a wicked massacre in the 1970 movie, "Soldier Blue", starring Candace Bergen and Peter Strauss. But massacres occurred on both sides.
https://youtu.be/jjjAHAmY-DU
Other than that, the only thing I noticed was a few instances of sentence fragments. For example,
"As he died, he looked at his beautiful, young daughter. So full of life, but now filled with tears and terror. What was to become of his dear, sweet daughter?"
I suggest,
( As he died, he looked at his beautiful, young daughter... so full of life, but now filled with tears and terror. What was to become of her?)
What really surprises me is that there weren't more guards with the wagon train. The trail boss and Travis & Joab wouldn't be enough, going into hostile territory. I wonder how many settlers lost their lives during this period? Obviously, they weren't prepared. Sarah was looking forward to seeing Indians. But her excitement turned to horror soon enough.
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 12-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2018
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You may be right about the battle, but I didn't want to linger on the bloodshed. I'm trying to avoid a shoot em up western and write more of a character study.
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I know what you mean, Tom, but I just think a bit more would help readers appreciate the abduction of Sarah more. Her world is going to drastically change now. And she's mourning her father's and fiance's deaths. I like the story line though. Stick with it, pardner!
Comment from MelB
"I hope that it's as easy as that." - Suggest deleting one of the 'that', but your call.
Lots of action in this chapter. I figured they were headed for trouble.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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"I hope that it's as easy as that." - Suggest deleting one of the 'that', but your call.
Lots of action in this chapter. I figured they were headed for trouble.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2018
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Thanks for the suggestion.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, no! You built up such a pretty and hopeful picture for Tom and Sarah and it's gone just like that! I was thinking Sarah sounded like an airhead with her excitement to see a Native American without any clue about how angry they were.
Liked this sentence:
"At night, the immigrant Americans listened to the drums of the original Americans."
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Oh, no! You built up such a pretty and hopeful picture for Tom and Sarah and it's gone just like that! I was thinking Sarah sounded like an airhead with her excitement to see a Native American without any clue about how angry they were.
Liked this sentence:
"At night, the immigrant Americans listened to the drums of the original Americans."
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks. I've had a lot of readers tell me that was their favorite line and one who didn't like it.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Oh my goodness! I didn't see this coming. It seemed like such a peaceful story from the Old West. I was already naming Sarah and Tom's kids. I think she was, too.
Looks like she's got a different life ahead of her than was planned. I guess it happened a lot in those days. Still, didn't expect it.
So much for the romance. lol
Take care,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Oh my goodness! I didn't see this coming. It seemed like such a peaceful story from the Old West. I was already naming Sarah and Tom's kids. I think she was, too.
Looks like she's got a different life ahead of her than was planned. I guess it happened a lot in those days. Still, didn't expect it.
So much for the romance. lol
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks for reading. Sorry for the abrupt turn of events.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I have to admit I didn't see this coming. I figured there might be some bumps in the road and a few setbacks. But never were those setbacks going to be bumps on the head until dead with stones. I once had a girlfriend who was Indian. Well, actually, she was half Indian... and have Italian. So I figured out she was an A-Wop-a-hoe. Great job! :-)
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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I have to admit I didn't see this coming. I figured there might be some bumps in the road and a few setbacks. But never were those setbacks going to be bumps on the head until dead with stones. I once had a girlfriend who was Indian. Well, actually, she was half Indian... and have Italian. So I figured out she was an A-Wop-a-hoe. Great job! :-)
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Funny. Carol is 1/4 Indian. I sleep with one eye open.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Another good chapter. It puts some perspective on the last one that I read.
Well written, well described. The characters are clear.
Well done, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Sharon
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Another good chapter. It puts some perspective on the last one that I read.
Well written, well described. The characters are clear.
Well done, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Sharon
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks for reading. In the next chapter, we see what Srah's life with Comanche is like.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Thomas. I like the "Vikings" comparison. I think it is true enough particularly with the Comanches.
Immigrant Americans listening to drums from original Americans is a cool contrast.
Really has a textural feel to it and the imagined sound.
You have a way of getting the message across as in that slaughter scene without resorting to language that doesn't enhance. Your writing style is more matter of fact and I like that it is blunt as to tell the story accurately.
Nice work in this chapter T.
xx d
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Hi Thomas. I like the "Vikings" comparison. I think it is true enough particularly with the Comanches.
Immigrant Americans listening to drums from original Americans is a cool contrast.
Really has a textural feel to it and the imagined sound.
You have a way of getting the message across as in that slaughter scene without resorting to language that doesn't enhance. Your writing style is more matter of fact and I like that it is blunt as to tell the story accurately.
Nice work in this chapter T.
xx d
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks for the kind words. I can always count on you for a good review.
Comment from judiverse
What a tragic turn of events. The wagon master and scouts knew there was danger, but the Indians seemed to know how to launch a surprise attack, taking the travelers unawares. Tragic for Sarah. Losing both her father and the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with have such an impact. Wonder how she will cope going forward. Certainly she's changed her thinking about the Indians. You might have had even more reaction from Sarah about the deaths of Maurice and Tom. Some kind of inner dialogue, maybe. It's quite a story, but you can flesh it out a bit more. Many white women and children were taken captive by Indians. judi
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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What a tragic turn of events. The wagon master and scouts knew there was danger, but the Indians seemed to know how to launch a surprise attack, taking the travelers unawares. Tragic for Sarah. Losing both her father and the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with have such an impact. Wonder how she will cope going forward. Certainly she's changed her thinking about the Indians. You might have had even more reaction from Sarah about the deaths of Maurice and Tom. Some kind of inner dialogue, maybe. It's quite a story, but you can flesh it out a bit more. Many white women and children were taken captive by Indians. judi
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks for reading. Things will be difficult for Sarah to say the least. Thanks for the generous six.
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You're very welcome. Sarah wanted Indians, now she's got them. judi
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have a feeling Sarah will be able to see the Native Americans up close and personal and it probably won't be good for a white female. I can't wait for more. You did a good job writing this.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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I have a feeling Sarah will be able to see the Native Americans up close and personal and it probably won't be good for a white female. I can't wait for more. You did a good job writing this.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me.
Comment from apky
How sad for Sarah. Now I'm glad it's a story, but I have a feeling
this sort of thing actually happened. Hard for me to judge, but I
find myself asking what I'd do if some totally alien group of
people came to take my land and I knew not what they'd do
to me and my own family.
This was adventurous and exciting, full of action and emotions.
Great read, great storxy
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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How sad for Sarah. Now I'm glad it's a story, but I have a feeling
this sort of thing actually happened. Hard for me to judge, but I
find myself asking what I'd do if some totally alien group of
people came to take my land and I knew not what they'd do
to me and my own family.
This was adventurous and exciting, full of action and emotions.
Great read, great storxy
Comment Written 07-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2018
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Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me. You can't really blame the Indians.
