Taking in a Stray
Short Story-Horror Story18 total reviews
Comment from Rasmine
Good story! Beware of sensual strangers? I love the descriptions. The way you put your words together makes me want to continue reading. :)
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Good story! Beware of sensual strangers? I love the descriptions. The way you put your words together makes me want to continue reading. :)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
Comment from damommy
Wow! Where do I begin? You had me hooked with the creepy description of the castle. She should have run then, but, oh, yeah, she had come in his car. Dumb.
She wanted something different from her husband, and I'd say she got it. I'm glad I read this after I went to sleep, or I'd have had all the lights on.
Good and scary. I enjoy a good scare. 8-)
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Wow! Where do I begin? You had me hooked with the creepy description of the castle. She should have run then, but, oh, yeah, she had come in his car. Dumb.
She wanted something different from her husband, and I'd say she got it. I'm glad I read this after I went to sleep, or I'd have had all the lights on.
Good and scary. I enjoy a good scare. 8-)
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Wow! This contest entry had me on the edge of my seat as I read. WOW! This entered her soul. I wish you the very best of luck with the contest.
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Wow! This contest entry had me on the edge of my seat as I read. WOW! This entered her soul. I wish you the very best of luck with the contest.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Mikey,
Nice job with the horror story about the horny woman and the devil. It was nice of Gloria to help you with the story. I wish you the best in the contest.
Gypsy
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Hello, Mikey,
Nice job with the horror story about the horny woman and the devil. It was nice of Gloria to help you with the story. I wish you the best in the contest.
Gypsy
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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HAAAAAAHAHAHA! I swear I'm this close to changing the title. "The Horny Woman and the Devil". I love that! Glad you liked this. I can't really do scary, so I TRY and go for creepy or weird. I'd never tried this until I ran into Mr. Kuch, so I blame him.
mikey :))
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
Good scene setting and description in the opening paragraph.
Where ever she ran - Wherever.
draped with yards of dusty, red velvet drapery - might want to avid the draped / drapery repetition.
After a few moments she heard something ancient - this is atmospheric but what does it mean - something ancient. Followed by a sound she'd never heard in her life. the description doesn't entirely hold up.
A sense of pressurized steam and billows opening - bellows?
A billows or some such thing." - bellows?
This is in bondage with the medieval. Modern if your from the Dark Ages, if suppose. - this is a little awkwardly phrased. - if you're from. Maybe I suppose.
Yes, it's becomming - becoming.
Don't let the modern look fool you. / The coach is mid-Victorian and original. I'm somewhat of a collector of rare things - a little at odds with the other description.
The coach is mid-Victorian - couch?
I want a real man and this is certainly that. - perhaps he is certainly that here?
though it were a porthole - maybe portal here?
Excellent descriptions in places and the use of the limited POV of Renata is very well realised.
Good detailing of the character and backstory in the section where the beige door is opened.
those are people down thier moaning. - there.
Why wait.- possibly a question mark in here.
It smells like somethings happened - something's.
I'm sure everythings fine - everything's.
You'll see everything once we get down there". - the full stop / period should be inside the speech marks here.
The journey down the stair case - staircase.
What in hell have I been thinking. - question mark?
This is this crazy bastards - bastard's.
Why would I give myself to this stranger?"
- delete the speech marks from the end as this is internal thought.
There are moments of brilliance in this piece. Some of the description is sublime and the character of Renata unfolds nicely. The premise itself is also very good and well thought out.
Technically there bits & pieces to look at, especially as this is a competition piece.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Hi Mikey,
Good scene setting and description in the opening paragraph.
Where ever she ran - Wherever.
draped with yards of dusty, red velvet drapery - might want to avid the draped / drapery repetition.
After a few moments she heard something ancient - this is atmospheric but what does it mean - something ancient. Followed by a sound she'd never heard in her life. the description doesn't entirely hold up.
A sense of pressurized steam and billows opening - bellows?
A billows or some such thing." - bellows?
This is in bondage with the medieval. Modern if your from the Dark Ages, if suppose. - this is a little awkwardly phrased. - if you're from. Maybe I suppose.
Yes, it's becomming - becoming.
Don't let the modern look fool you. / The coach is mid-Victorian and original. I'm somewhat of a collector of rare things - a little at odds with the other description.
The coach is mid-Victorian - couch?
I want a real man and this is certainly that. - perhaps he is certainly that here?
though it were a porthole - maybe portal here?
Excellent descriptions in places and the use of the limited POV of Renata is very well realised.
Good detailing of the character and backstory in the section where the beige door is opened.
those are people down thier moaning. - there.
Why wait.- possibly a question mark in here.
It smells like somethings happened - something's.
I'm sure everythings fine - everything's.
You'll see everything once we get down there". - the full stop / period should be inside the speech marks here.
The journey down the stair case - staircase.
What in hell have I been thinking. - question mark?
This is this crazy bastards - bastard's.
Why would I give myself to this stranger?"
- delete the speech marks from the end as this is internal thought.
There are moments of brilliance in this piece. Some of the description is sublime and the character of Renata unfolds nicely. The premise itself is also very good and well thought out.
Technically there bits & pieces to look at, especially as this is a competition piece.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Wow. What a great detailed review. I made almost all of those changes. Most of these, no one noticed. Much thanks. I'd reached a point in editing where I couldn't see anything anymore.
Good points and I did make a couple changes. It's improved. One of the few things I've written that I like myself. Thanks a million. mikey
Comment from ciliverde
Wow, Mikey, this is fantastic! It verges on the fantastic, surreal, yet her feelings and disorientation are very believable. Shades of Dorian Grey as the handsome man is at last revealed as a grotesque, foul-breathed old creature.
There are several typos that I'm sure people will mention...
Modern if your (you're) from the Dark Ages, if(I) suppose
becomming (becoming)
Renata offered what she hoped to be a fetching smile - Lol, every time I try that I look like I have indigestion or something.
guarentee (guarantee)
"It is made in secret with an ingredient no one in the family will indulge" - I was very curious as to what that secret ingredient was...blood or some other bodily fluid perhaps?
I'd swear those are people down thier(there) moaning.
In the end, she thinks better of the plan but she foils herself and goes back. Never to be seen again, I am sure. Well done!!! Excellent, and extremely creepy horror story! Shades of Poe here, as well as Wilde. You might win this contest!! Carol
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Wow, Mikey, this is fantastic! It verges on the fantastic, surreal, yet her feelings and disorientation are very believable. Shades of Dorian Grey as the handsome man is at last revealed as a grotesque, foul-breathed old creature.
There are several typos that I'm sure people will mention...
Modern if your (you're) from the Dark Ages, if(I) suppose
becomming (becoming)
Renata offered what she hoped to be a fetching smile - Lol, every time I try that I look like I have indigestion or something.
guarentee (guarantee)
"It is made in secret with an ingredient no one in the family will indulge" - I was very curious as to what that secret ingredient was...blood or some other bodily fluid perhaps?
I'd swear those are people down thier(there) moaning.
In the end, she thinks better of the plan but she foils herself and goes back. Never to be seen again, I am sure. Well done!!! Excellent, and extremely creepy horror story! Shades of Poe here, as well as Wilde. You might win this contest!! Carol
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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I've decided that this is the only review I'm paying attention to and I mean out of every review I've received, not just on this piece. HAHAHA! I fixed the typos, a couple no one caught, so good eyes. Ahh, you caught the secret ingredient bit. Yes, meant to lead you to think something creepy like that. LOL
I doubt I'll win, but a comparison to Poe or Wilde will do just fine for a victory. Thanks so very much. I have a fetching smile now and I'm going to go try it out. :)) mikey
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It's SUCH a good story - I think you should win. I haven't seen the other entries, but who cares? Mikey wins :))
Comment from ioana.u
Interesting choice for a horror story, to concentrate on the sensations and less on disturbing images. As I have noticed, you enjoy writing about weird and creepy stuff, but it's usually more of a psychological aspect rather than physical monsters. But in this case it worked great. It was kind of strange to use cheese as bait for his victims, not to mention the invitation to the boiler room... not exactly the usual prelude. But the atmosphere was perfect and her descent into decadence was very expressive. And once trapped by her own choice, bam! Lucien reveals his true face.
Nice story!
Ioana
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Interesting choice for a horror story, to concentrate on the sensations and less on disturbing images. As I have noticed, you enjoy writing about weird and creepy stuff, but it's usually more of a psychological aspect rather than physical monsters. But in this case it worked great. It was kind of strange to use cheese as bait for his victims, not to mention the invitation to the boiler room... not exactly the usual prelude. But the atmosphere was perfect and her descent into decadence was very expressive. And once trapped by her own choice, bam! Lucien reveals his true face.
Nice story!
Ioana
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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I've found that I just don't seem to be able to do scary. LOL
So, creepy and weird is about all I can attempt. I'm pleased in this case I seem to have hit the mark. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
referrence (reference)
becomming (becoming)
no one in the family will indulge, (divulge)
staircase is one word
A very creepy story, mikey. Sounds like he was as old as his mansion. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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referrence (reference)
becomming (becoming)
no one in the family will indulge, (divulge)
staircase is one word
A very creepy story, mikey. Sounds like he was as old as his mansion. Best wishes in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Debbie
So pleased you enjoyed. I made those corrections, good catches!!
mikey
Comment from Dawn Munro
First, re: plot -if the flowers are glowing in the dark, her unease makes sense...which possibly detracts a little from the suspense you are trying to build...do you need those flowers in there? In fact, I think you could cut some of the narrative down a fair bit. For example, description - while it's good to 'anchor' a scene, it's not the same as describing what the scene looks like...'she tipped her head to look at Lucian'...is anchoring.
"wherever" - one word
"...she heard something ancient..." - you know I have to call you on this one, TB, even though you explain in the next paragraph. It's a simple fix - just don't have her be so sure when you present the action = example -"Why it sounded ancient, she couldn't say, but a sound echoed from the bowels of the mansion--a sound she'd never heard before in her life."
Overall, I liked it, but I do think it's just a bit wordy - sometimes as difficult as it is we have to be ruthless in editing extraneous description, narrative and/or dialogue. If it doesn't have punch, it doesn't belong, and being concise forces the writer to write with impact.
(Of course it's quite possible to be TOO word-efficient, and end up with a clarity problem, so if you decide to revise, don't be too brutal. It is good!)
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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First, re: plot -if the flowers are glowing in the dark, her unease makes sense...which possibly detracts a little from the suspense you are trying to build...do you need those flowers in there? In fact, I think you could cut some of the narrative down a fair bit. For example, description - while it's good to 'anchor' a scene, it's not the same as describing what the scene looks like...'she tipped her head to look at Lucian'...is anchoring.
"wherever" - one word
"...she heard something ancient..." - you know I have to call you on this one, TB, even though you explain in the next paragraph. It's a simple fix - just don't have her be so sure when you present the action = example -"Why it sounded ancient, she couldn't say, but a sound echoed from the bowels of the mansion--a sound she'd never heard before in her life."
Overall, I liked it, but I do think it's just a bit wordy - sometimes as difficult as it is we have to be ruthless in editing extraneous description, narrative and/or dialogue. If it doesn't have punch, it doesn't belong, and being concise forces the writer to write with impact.
(Of course it's quite possible to be TOO word-efficient, and end up with a clarity problem, so if you decide to revise, don't be too brutal. It is good!)
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2016
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It was rather sparse to begin with, too sparse. It could be too much the other way now. I can be a LOT more wordy than this though. LOL I used to be about double this. I'll think about trimming it perhaps. We'll see how it does. It's about the only piece of prose I've written that I actually like. HAhAHA!
Great input. Much appreciated. mikey :))
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Hey, YOU know - it's just MY opinion - who says it's right? I wish you nothing but success, Teddy (*grin*), so hear what others have to say about it. Let me know if you want me to read it again.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Great story. When my wife reads this she will have nightmares. Some times when she reads Steven King before she goes to bed she calls out for me in the middle of the night. I guess that makes me her Van Helsing.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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Great story. When my wife reads this she will have nightmares. Some times when she reads Steven King before she goes to bed she calls out for me in the middle of the night. I guess that makes me her Van Helsing.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
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That sounds like it works out well. LOL
Glad you liked this. Thanks a bunch, mikey