Long Haul
A haunted man trying to run away from his life10 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a great exercise in setting tone and mood for a piece. the hopelessness and forlornness really through. Folk these days just seem to thin it they use the tropes, the piece works but it's so much more than that.
The opening paragraph gives a real feeling of motionless and static-ness alongside desolation and loneliness but it's undercut by the single line third paragraph. Gave me a kind of 'Duel' feeling (Spielberg's first).
"Say Bob," he says to me, "How's about you and me catching a Royals game this weekend?" - the dialogue after the tag here should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off by end punctuation, only commas at the end of the first dialogue and after tag.
"You don't have to keep going on about my friends," I said, "They're my friends." - same thing here and in other places later on.
Be careful with your speech tag tenses, they vary between present and past tenses in places.
before it hit the water somewher in the darkness - somewhere.
Good stuff
G
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Hi there,
This is a great exercise in setting tone and mood for a piece. the hopelessness and forlornness really through. Folk these days just seem to thin it they use the tropes, the piece works but it's so much more than that.
The opening paragraph gives a real feeling of motionless and static-ness alongside desolation and loneliness but it's undercut by the single line third paragraph. Gave me a kind of 'Duel' feeling (Spielberg's first).
"Say Bob," he says to me, "How's about you and me catching a Royals game this weekend?" - the dialogue after the tag here should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off by end punctuation, only commas at the end of the first dialogue and after tag.
"You don't have to keep going on about my friends," I said, "They're my friends." - same thing here and in other places later on.
Be careful with your speech tag tenses, they vary between present and past tenses in places.
before it hit the water somewher in the darkness - somewhere.
Good stuff
G
Comment Written 05-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Ah, at last you have reviewed one of my pieces! At least it is one of my better pieces...And I am flattered that you thought this one was so interesting and 'good stuff'. You are one of the serious writers here, and therefore someone whose opinion means a lot to me. This piece is one of these dream like pieces in this collection, so past and present seem to blend in and out of each other as the truck driver tries to escape from the broken relationships that keep haunting him in the present. I will take a look at some of the spags and try to edit at some point. But I am glad you found this so evocative in getting across this sense of isolation and someone struggling to make sense of his life. on another note; my first novel is out, published by Westbow Press, it is called Grace Through Faith, Surviving History in God's Hands and it is a novel about World War 1 and 2. If you are interested it's on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Ebook only $4! estory
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Estory,
Wow, this was a great story. I suppose life could be compared to a truck driver and all his memories. This story is deep and gives the reader a lot to think about.
Well done
Cecilia
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Estory,
Wow, this was a great story. I suppose life could be compared to a truck driver and all his memories. This story is deep and gives the reader a lot to think about.
Well done
Cecilia
Comment Written 02-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks for the excellent review and your encouraging words of support for this story. I like to make people think. This is a story of someone whose life has been made up of damaged relationships, and in the end he discovers that it is these relationships that make life worth while and give his own life their meaning and purpose. estory
Comment from lyenochka
This is a story that gets one reflecting deeply. You used the metaphor of the life of a long haul truck driver. But he is haunted by mistakes of his past. I liked how the highway becomes an extension to heaven as you make it clear that the road is life itself. Great reflection on how - perhaps how not to live life!
another unexlored skyline. (unexpored)
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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This is a story that gets one reflecting deeply. You used the metaphor of the life of a long haul truck driver. But he is haunted by mistakes of his past. I liked how the highway becomes an extension to heaven as you make it clear that the road is life itself. Great reflection on how - perhaps how not to live life!
another unexlored skyline. (unexpored)
Comment Written 02-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks so much for this excellent review and your thoughtful insights into this story. You pretty much got what I was trying to say here, that relationships make life worth living, they give one a sense of purpose and meaning in their own life. I am flattered that you found the writing so evocative that it worked up those emotions. estory
Comment from Iza Deleanu
This story captivated me from the beginning as it seems like a recap of a life that seems to happen on fast forward and lose yourself in the process: "Friends come and go," my dad said. "You only have one dad. And you only have so much time with him, you know? There's only so many fishing trips, so many ballgames, so many birthdays and Christmases. One of these days I could have a stroke. A heart attack." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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This story captivated me from the beginning as it seems like a recap of a life that seems to happen on fast forward and lose yourself in the process: "Friends come and go," my dad said. "You only have one dad. And you only have so much time with him, you know? There's only so many fishing trips, so many ballgames, so many birthdays and Christmases. One of these days I could have a stroke. A heart attack." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your perspective on the story. No review could be better than having someone say that a story captivated them from the beginning. Thanks for all the continued support of my work. estory
Comment from patcelaw
This is very well written your sentence and structure your paragraphing and your punctuation is all very well done therefore it becomes a very good piece to listen to. May you have a wonderful day and may God bless you? I cannot imagine the loneliness of a long haul truck driver, but you've seemed to express it pretty well. Patricia.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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This is very well written your sentence and structure your paragraphing and your punctuation is all very well done therefore it becomes a very good piece to listen to. May you have a wonderful day and may God bless you? I cannot imagine the loneliness of a long haul truck driver, but you've seemed to express it pretty well. Patricia.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your comments that praised my writing so much. Well, after 50 years I hope I have made progress on that front. This is a story of a man whose damaged relationships finally lead him to the conclusion that it is these very relationships that make his life worth living. It is probably one of my best stories so far. estory
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I really enjoy reading your prose. It's full of dream sequences, memories of the past and people who showed like ghosts. The ending was very dark. The talking about no "disappointed people" in Bob's life and then his imagination of his death made this story sound very dark to me. I didn't see anyone whom Bob could make happy or who could make Bob happy. It's still a very well written story. Every details seemed real to me even though I don't do drive-through or go to ball games.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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I really enjoy reading your prose. It's full of dream sequences, memories of the past and people who showed like ghosts. The ending was very dark. The talking about no "disappointed people" in Bob's life and then his imagination of his death made this story sound very dark to me. I didn't see anyone whom Bob could make happy or who could make Bob happy. It's still a very well written story. Every details seemed real to me even though I don't do drive-through or go to ball games.
Excellent.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks for the exceptional review, once again. As I said in the notes, I wanted these dream like sequences to stay within the 'Dreams' theme of this collection. I am glad that method seems to have worked in conveying the theme and emotional spirit of this story. Thanks again for all your support. estory
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed how you shared Bob's inner turmoil. The way you describe the truck stops and the encounter with Gary adds so much to the story - it makes everything feel alive. I loved how you built up the tension between Bob and Gary. The ending was so powerful. You really nailed the feeling of being lost and wanting to escape. Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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I really enjoyed how you shared Bob's inner turmoil. The way you describe the truck stops and the encounter with Gary adds so much to the story - it makes everything feel alive. I loved how you built up the tension between Bob and Gary. The ending was so powerful. You really nailed the feeling of being lost and wanting to escape. Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks for the excellent review and your wonderful comments; I am glad you found the writing so evocative and effective in getting across the emotions of this story. To have a powerful ending tops it off. estory
Comment from Tim Margetts
This piece is quietly devastating. It captures the emotional geography of loneliness with remarkable fidelity-the long roads, the static landscapes, the small-town stops that all feel like déjà vu.
The voice is grounded and intimate, inviting us inside Bob's internal drift without ever becoming maudlin. Each encounter-the father in the passenger seat, Jen at the drive-thru, the old friend full of blame-is beautifully paced and reveals another facet of Bob's guilt, detachment, or helplessness.
The recurring motif-"so I just keep on driving"-works like a refrain, reinforcing his inertia while making his introspection feel cinematic.
The writing is immersive and filled with sensory authenticity: the fast food windows, the truck stop bar, the weight of silence on an empty highway. It's full of small heartbreaks that accumulate into something heavy and true.
That said, at 3,300 words, it could be split to help each emotional beat land more clearly. I'd suggest a break after the Jen scene-right before the shift to night driving and deeper existential reflection.
The first half focuses on personal, relational ghosts; the second moves into the metaphysical, with a surreal crescendo that ends on a haunting note of unmoored identity.
Still, this stands as a poignant, lived-in meditation on loss, disconnection, and the roads we take to avoid ourselves. Bleak, truthful, and quietly brilliant.
Tim
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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This piece is quietly devastating. It captures the emotional geography of loneliness with remarkable fidelity-the long roads, the static landscapes, the small-town stops that all feel like déjà vu.
The voice is grounded and intimate, inviting us inside Bob's internal drift without ever becoming maudlin. Each encounter-the father in the passenger seat, Jen at the drive-thru, the old friend full of blame-is beautifully paced and reveals another facet of Bob's guilt, detachment, or helplessness.
The recurring motif-"so I just keep on driving"-works like a refrain, reinforcing his inertia while making his introspection feel cinematic.
The writing is immersive and filled with sensory authenticity: the fast food windows, the truck stop bar, the weight of silence on an empty highway. It's full of small heartbreaks that accumulate into something heavy and true.
That said, at 3,300 words, it could be split to help each emotional beat land more clearly. I'd suggest a break after the Jen scene-right before the shift to night driving and deeper existential reflection.
The first half focuses on personal, relational ghosts; the second moves into the metaphysical, with a surreal crescendo that ends on a haunting note of unmoored identity.
Still, this stands as a poignant, lived-in meditation on loss, disconnection, and the roads we take to avoid ourselves. Bleak, truthful, and quietly brilliant.
Tim
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Wow. This is maybe the best review I have ever gotten. You have completely, and corrected analyzed this story and that means I am getting somewhere as a writer if the story was that powerful. All the conventions I used here seem to have worked to create the effect I wanted to create, to relay the theme I wanted to get across; that relationships are the meaning and purpose of our lives here, and without good ones, we are haunted and driven to despair. As for the length of the piece and breaking it up...I know here on Fanstory people prefer shorter pieces to make them easier to review and get member dollars quickly...most of them, anyway. But to break up the story means breaking the rhythm and interrupting the flow. The story is not really all that long. Something like Death in Venice is long. Take a look at some of my other pieces if you want, in my port. I have several collections of short stories in there. My next piece will also be quirky and interesting I think; it will be posted soon as An Imagined Affair. estory
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is one of those posts that causes the reader, at least, this reader to pause and think about their lives, and make adjustments. Thank you for sharing this wonderful post and message with us.
like Texas for example, without so much as a sign of civilization. (very true in West Texas)
The next morning I'm on the road again. I'm in between here and there. (The following morning)
t's my old friend Gary, whom I haven't seen since high (friend,)
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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This is one of those posts that causes the reader, at least, this reader to pause and think about their lives, and make adjustments. Thank you for sharing this wonderful post and message with us.
like Texas for example, without so much as a sign of civilization. (very true in West Texas)
The next morning I'm on the road again. I'm in between here and there. (The following morning)
t's my old friend Gary, whom I haven't seen since high (friend,)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your wonderful words of support for this piece. I like to make people think, and the results have been very encouraging estory
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written story about what could or should have been. You used great descriptive words and great dialogue with each person the driver ran into that he knew from the past. Great job! Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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This is a very well written story about what could or should have been. You used great descriptive words and great dialogue with each person the driver ran into that he knew from the past. Great job! Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 01-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2025
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Thanks for this great review validating the composition of this piece. Thanks for all the support. estory
